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What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

marymoon Posted:

What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

What do you think of when you see

Black Tie

Black Tie Optional

Formal Reception

Nothing at all saying if it's formal or not

on an invitation? What do you expect the affair to be like/include? And what is the difference in your mind between them?


ETA: want to know what sort of amenities you expect. Do you expect it to be a really expensive place? Like how much per head at lest? Do you expect a really big coctail hour? Do you expect many courses? Do you expect a band? Do you expect certain things about the flowers, favors, etc? THANKS
Tjay Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

When I read an invite that says Black Tie and/or Formal I think a gown or a dress to the floor and for my DH, a tux. Unfortunately, he does not own a tux so I would have him rent one, or wear a dark suit. I would also assume that the wedding is at night on a Friday or Saturday. I would think that it would be a VERY elegant affair. BUT, my luck, I would still get people in cocktail dresses. LOL.
becks23 Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Black Tie - I think a very elegant, formal affair..all tuxes and gowns. Definitely Saturday night.

Black Tie optional - I think pretty formal...that half to most people will be in tuxes; women will be in both gowns and cocktail dresses. Friday or Saturday night.

Formal Reception - Because most of the weddings I've been to have been some variation of Black Tie, when I see Formal Reception, I actually think less formal b/c it's not black tie. Everyone in suits though. Afternoon or evening.

If it says nothing, I think same thing as Formal reception.

With NY weddings, I kind of just assume a certain level of formality....

ETA: Just read your other thread - I definitely assume band with any type of black tie (preferred, optional, etc) affair.
Tjay Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Oops...should of COMPLETELY read your post, or read it more clearly. Formal reception I think is universal in NY, or atleast LI. Almost always, suits and dresses. I have been to weddings in halls in PA and people wore jeans. Just like the other post said, there is definitely a level of formality on LI.

ellengrisal Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

i've been to a few black tie weddings on LI and NYC and two in Florida. honestly, the only difference i noticed was that all of the men were in tuxes. other than that, everything else was the same!

ssdbk Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

formal to me means 'not casual.' A suit, a tux, a nice dress of any length. It does not necesarily mean 'black tie.'

Black tie optional--a little dressier. I don't like this b/c to me, black tie is really always optional whether the invite says it or not.

I would never make any assumption about the place, the price per person, etc. if it was black tie or black tie optional. I've seen it done at many types of places and I've seen it not done at many types of places.

I have heard of people giving LESS for a gift if the wedding is black tie (or optional). If they have to rent a tux, it is an expense that they do not have at other people's weddings. Some people can only budget so much for each wedding.
AJsMommy122 Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Posted by ssdbk

I have heard of people giving LESS for a gift if the wedding is black tie (or optional). If they have to rent a tux, it is an expense that they do not have at other people's weddings. Some people can only budget so much for each wedding.



I somewhat agree with this. I would give the same amount of $$ no matte what type of event it is ( to me its really who the wedding is for) but I might put a little less seeing as how I would probably have to go buy a gown and fh would have to rent tux. My fh would probably beg me to rsvp no b/c he wouldnt want to rent a tux if hes not in a bridal party!
I would definitly expect really nice big full centerpieces and a band. I mean if you expect people to go all out getting ready and dressed up the reception should be really formal as well.

I think black tie optional is MUCH better. Give your guests the option.

I personally didnt put anything. People see where the wedding is and that its in the evening.. I am not worried about how my guests will dress at all. People on LI generally know the drill lol
Unless you have alot of oot'ers that are from upstate or in the south where they may need to be told that its a formal affair.
Goldi1021 Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

I still do not understand why it is such an imposition on a man to have a 'staple' such as a tuxedo in his wardrobe. They do NOT cost an arm and a leg and once you've worn it twice, it has paid for itself. Do women rent dresses? Um NO!!!

As I've said before on other posts, women often have (or are at least expected to have) at least 2-3 ensembles that she can wear to any formal affair at a moments notice. If more than one family member or friend is having a function with similar guest lists, then this woman is forced to rotate her choice of clothing because heaven forbid she be seen in the same dress twice! Whereas a tuxedo looks the same each time and noone cares.

Hence, it is MUCH more expensive to be a female guest at a wedding. Cocktail dresses ARE acceptable at a formal function. I have two cocktail dresses and two gowns as well as coordinating hosiery, shoes and other accessories.

Again, I have to say that you cannot assume that men (or some women for that matter) will know from the wording on an invitation, the proper attire to wear. This is my opinion.
marymoon Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Most adult men I know actually own tuxedos, but that's just me.

I don't assume black tie is always optional because I don't want to overdress, you know? You really can't assume that. I really would love for people to wear their tuedos if they have them or black suit. I don't expect anyone to go out and buy anything, which is why I think 'black tie optional ' is good.

If you see 'black tie optional' do you assume that you don't have to wear black tie, or do you feel pressured to dress up?

Do you think when people see 'formal reception', they think they CAN wear the gown and tuxedo?

For me it's always EASIER to wear the gown because other tsuff goes out of style, but I have afew gowns I've been wearing for years. FH can wear his tux, life is so easy!

Now I am totally confused and I don't know what to do!
Moosey911 Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Posted by marymoon

What do you think of when you see

Black Tie

Black Tie Optional

Formal Reception

Nothing at all saying if it's formal or not

on an invitation? What do you expect the affair to be like/include? And what is the difference in your mind between them?


ETA: want to know what sort of amenities you expect. Do you expect it to be a really expensive place? Like how much per head at lest? Do you expect a really big coctail hour? Do you expect many courses? Do you expect a band? Do you expect certain things about the flowers, favors, etc? THANKS



Black Tie--Normally, I think 'Ooh Ooh Ooh.....I get to go shopping for another $250 gown!!! Woo-hoo!!! More money to spend!!!' And I get to buy more shoes!!! ----of course this used to be a fun experience BEFORE we had our own wedding to pay for....now I think--'OK, which gown do I have to bring to the dry-cleaner' and 'When is the last time FH cleaned his tux?'

Black Tie Optional--See above....to us, 'optional' means 'Whip out the tux'

Formal Reception-- Dark Suit, maybe, the tux---depends on the time of day and which day. Friday or Sat. evening is different than a Sat or Sun afternoon. I would have on a cocktail dress for an afternoon wedding.

Nothing at all-- Suit and cocktail dress (depends on the place and time of day)....Vanderbilt or Waldorf at night= Gown or REALLY dressy cocktail dress, Park or Beach = cocktail dress and nice suit.


I really don't have too many 'expectations' b/c our wedding is going to be very different from most affairs (a beach ceremony but more formal affair inside) and I think many people are going 'different' these days.

But, here is my stereotypical answer

1) Black Tie= Waldorf on a Saturday evening= over $200/head, top NYC 10 piece band, huge cocktail hour with all top-shelf open bar, wedding planner, $8000 in flowers, String quartet for ceremony, top notch award-winning photographer, and a meal to die for.

2) Black Tie Optional= The Carlton, Vanderbilt, Bourne, etc...on a Saturday evening= approx. $200/head, a great band, nice cocktail hour with a variety of food and top-shelf open bar, day-of wedding coordinator, $3-$8K in flowers, strings of some sort for ceremony (harp, quartet, etc..), great photographer, and a meal to die for.

3) Formal Reception= Any Saturday evening affair in any location.

Favors--really have no 'stereotypes'

Flowers--I always picture those huge tall flowers at the 'expensive' places, but Land's End seems to be considered 'pricey' on these boards, yet, we're having VERY simple low centerpieces.....so it's all in the tastes of the bride and groom, I suppose.

Band--Gotta go with what you love--if you want a black tie affair with a DJ--I say Go For It---it's YOUR DAY.......and who's to decide what kind of music you have at YOUR wedding!!!

Think I covered it all--again, this is all JMO--some of which is just stereotypes...but the first half is how we would dress and respond to invites worded in those particular ways.


LuckyMe Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

I would think very formal affair(tuxes and gowns)for a black tie or black tie optional.

ssdbk Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

I put a new post on the board about this topic. My FH and I have given it more thought and we have changed our tune on this issue. We now think we will do 'black tie' optional.

So here I am feeling silly for arguing the opposite point of view (just a few posts up)!!!!
june262004 Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Well I think here in NY no one dresses casual to a wedding. When I get an invite that says Black tie I get kinda annoyed. Every man I know (including DH) does NOT Own a tuxedo. I think its kinda rude to expect a man to go out and RENT a tuxedo plus give you a gift. When I see Formal invitation I also must admit I get kinda annoyed (not as bad as black tie though) cause I think what they thought I was dumb and I didn't know I needed to dress up to go to the wedding.


ETA: This is my own opinion.
AJsMommy122 Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Posted by june262004

Well I think here in NY no one dresses casual to a wedding. When I get an invite that says Black tie I get kinda annoyed. Every man I know (including DH) does NOT Own a tuxedo. I think its kinda rude to expect a man to go out and RENT a tuxedo plus give you a gift. When I see Formal invitation I also must admit I get kinda annoyed (not as bad as black tie though) cause I think what they thought I was dumb and I didn't know I needed to dress up to go to the wedding.


ETA: This is my own opinion.


I definitly agree and sorry but no man I know owns a tux. When hes in a bridal party he rents one. No point in buying one and then having to purchase matching vests and ties everytime hes gunna be in a bp.
MegLehner Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

I would def expect a lot! Most of all I would expect that the per head cost would be more than the 250 cost for a new gown for me and 150 cost for my DH to rent a tux.

eogara Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Honestly, I usually wear the same thing to both. A wedding is a formal event to me, unless otherwise specified. The only difference is I may make sure that my dress is longer for a 'black tie' event.

CJStein Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Regardless of the dress code on the invite, I usually get dressed up where I can fit in at a black tie or non-black tie wedding. Maybe for daytime weddings I tone it down a bit, but not much, and I've been to many formal daytime weddings and everyone was dressed the same as a nighttime wedding. As far as expectations, I have only been to 2 black tie weddings in my life and they were definitely over the top in terms of place, food, band/dj. But, if i were invited to a less over the top wedding and the dress code included black tie of any event, I don't know what I'd expect or that it would bother me.

Black Tie-men in tuxes, girls in cocktail length or longer gowns

Black Tie Optional-same as above, except men can wear dark suits.

Formal reception-same as above for women, men in suits

dpli Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

Honestly, if I saw black tie, and you weren't someone extremely close to me, I might not attend. Unlike some of the other posters, most of the adult men I know do not own tuxes, nor do I have gowns in my closet for formal occasions. I wear jeans to work everyday, so I would definitely have to go out and buy something, and my DH would have to rent a tux. If I had to deal with all of this added expense and you were not a close friend or relative, I might skip it and just send you the gift.

Not meant to offend at all, just being honest.....

ETA: Just to clarify, I do have things I feel would be appropriate to wear to a wedding that said 'formal' or 'black tie optional' but not for a black tie event - I would not want to embarrass myself or disrespect the host and show up dressed inappropriately. Not sure if I am expressing this clearly and afraid to offend people after some of the other drama on here today
marc_rai Posted:

Re: What do you expect when an invitation says black tie or black tie optional?

I'm thinking about putting formal reception on my invite. In general, would people be upset if they see this? On our STD, we said 'Formal Invitations to Follow' and still alot of relatives said, 'oh I got your invite'.

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