Guest List Question/Dilemma/Stress - Sorry - its long

Ok so I am having nightmares over this and I would love to hear other people's opinions.

My parents divorced 15 years ago. My mother has like NO family coming to my wedding becuase... well, she has no family. She has 'disowned' the only ones that are still alive,except for 1 cousin, who is coming with his wife. I have no aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins on my mom's side. Never have.

My dad is giving a lot of $$ towards the wedding. Basically, the money he's giving can cover the food if our guest list stays where its at. FH & I are paying everything else (band, flowers, photog, etc) My mom is giving some $ towards my gown.

NOW, my father has a big family. But this is MY family. This is who we spent every holiday with, grew up with, etc. So naturally, they are invited. About 30 of them (my cousins, aunts, uncles)

So I thought I'd do the right thing and asked my mom if she wanted to invite any of her friends, you know, for comfort. WELL... my mother has decided that since my father 'GETS' to invite 30 people & (my family btw) that SHE'LL NEED 3 TABLES. And she is NOT BACKING DOWN. She sees NOTHING wrong with this. And she is saying since she's 'paying' for the gown (hardly), that she's entitled.

Meanwhile, I do not know ANY of these people. NONE. She says they are friends from her Divorce Support Group and her Red Hat Society Friends. IS SHE F*CKING KIDDING ME???? Complete strangers... 30 of them?? I was thinking maybe 5 or 10 friends. BUT 30??? And from her Divorce Support Group? Do I really need 30 strangers at my wedding shooting my father & his wife nasty looks and wearing their stupid red hats & purple dresses???

If I have her 30 friends, it'll cost me $6000. That means NO HONEYMOON FOR ME & FH. Her 30 friends are not in the budget. My FH says there is nothing to think about, that we just tell her no.

What do I do? Do I tell her she has to pay for her guests? Do I simply tell her no? Or do I just let her have her friends even though I HATE THE IDEA of meeting people for the first time at my wedding?

If she gets her way, she will have more people there than my FH's entire family. She'll have more friends there than ME. And FH. She's only doing it to be difficult and to burn my father's a$$. But its making me lie awake at night & cry.

Please help

Tell her that the additional 3 tables that she wants is costing you your honeymoon and that you need her to help pay for it.
-or-
You can always say there's an uneven number of guests for bride side v. groom's side and that you need to lower your numbers.
-but I think the best way is to compromise and say' I'm giving you 1 table for your friends as thank you gesture for the gown but realisticlly I cannot afford all 3 tables without it costing my honeymoon'

good luck

Explain to her that this whole situation is like beyond difficult and this is the most important day of your life and you want the most important people there. I don't think you're overreacting, 30 people, is a lot to add especially if you don't know them and they are just friends. Odds are, not all would come, but you never know. I agree that since they are from the divorce support group that it might be awkward for your dad and his family.

Have you mentioned to her that you only had one table set aside for her? Or that your dad is contributing a significant amount? Maybe she has no idea exactly how much extra this would be.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

omg that is BAD and shes your mother...kindly talk to her...and tell her dad is contributing everything that X$ amount, he will not give me anymore, so if u want to invite 30 guests more that means me and FH will pay and we will not have a honeymoon...do you want us to have a honeymoon or not?

i feel so bad update us

ohh no no no! Id tell her that theres no way 30ppl that you have no idea who can be invited! Say I have no issue w/ 10 ppl but thats your limit. Tell her if she is that heart set on it the next 20 then they are on her! Do you think if you offer this as an option she wont come? or wont pay for the dress? 6k for strangers is just nuts i cant see you allowing this..and for her not to back down? Well thats just insane! Maybe she feels that your dads $ will cover this cost and not realize that its you and FH pockets really??
wow im sorry!! let us know what happends!

All you really need to say is that you simply cannot afford it...and in reality you are telling the truth. Do it nicely, but do not backdown..it is more important that you have a honeymoon with the man you are spending the rest of you life with then having 30 people at your wedding who you are never going to see again. I know it is 'mom' but don't back down, this has less to do with you then it does resentment that your father is having so many people.....GOOD LUCK

I would tell my mother absolutely not. I am not meeting people for the first time at my wedding. It is not a 'divorce group' gathering - it is a WEDDING. same with the red hat society.....

I couldn't do it. I would tell my mother absolutely not and i would find the way to get my own dress so she couldn't hold it over my head.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

as hard as it might be...i'd stick to your guns with your mom and let her know that 30 ppl on her side just isn't possible. you're wedding is not some sort of pissing contest between her ex-husband and her. IMHO she is still quite bitter about the divorce and is using your wedding as a battleground

don't let her bully you---cause i sense that if you tell her you won't allow her to have 30 ppl.....that she'll pull a 'well if i don't get what i want, then maybe i won't go!'

try and remind your mom that those 30 ppl are YOUR guests too, cause they are YOUR family by blood. if she doesn't see it that way, well then she will have to deal!

I agree.

It's not a party for her - that was something I had to explain to my FFIL. He wanted to invite a bunch of people from work because it was a party...

Best of Luck!

I would tell her that your father is paying for his guests and she will have to do the same. I definetly wouldn't allow her to bring 30 people that you don't even know.

Tell her NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

That is NOT okay by any stretch!

Tell her 30pp is way too much and give her an exact number of additional people she can invite, be that 5 or 10 or whatever you had in mind.

Explain to her that (1) you cannot afford it and aren't willing to lose your honeymoon over it, and (2) it's inappropriate for there to be THIRTY people at your wedding that neither you or your FH know at all.

I'd be firm about it. That's ridiculous.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Thank you everyone for your support. I am so upset over this. The wedding isn't until June & I am already crying over this. My STUPID sister was dumb enough to give in & let my mother have 3 tables at her wedding, so she keeps saying 'That's what I had at Beth's wedding!'

OH AND my father wanted to invite his 2nd cousins, (who I don't really know) and my MOTHER threw a FIT and said no, that I was not to have strangers at my wedding and that they wouldn't know me if I saw them on the street & they don't belong at my wedding, etc. So I had to tell my dad no to FOUR PEOPLE & he was pissed at me for a week b/c she is having 30 strangers. She told me 'you'll have to lie & tell your father you know my friends. Just pretend at the wedding.' I told her I wasn't comfortable & what's good for th goose is good for the gander. She just keeps saying 'that's what I had at Beth's wedding & that is what I'm having & that's FINAL!'

FH thinks I should wait until invitiations are ready to go out but I don't know. Shouldn't I do it now so she can stop verbally inviting people?

Its going to be a HUGE fight, no matter when I do it. My father keeps telling me to grow a set of b@lls & tell her no. FH says the same. My sister says 'but she has no family - she has no one!' Um, I'm family. I'll be there.

NO ONE ever tells my mother now, that's the real problem. I'm petrified of her.

PS - I am having a baby 11 weeks before the wedding, so this added stress is very unwelcome! As if I don't have enough problems!