Can I really write this?

For those who don't know the background, my mother is demanding that her 30 friends who I don't know be invited to my wedding.

I would talk to her in person, but I only see her 2x a year, at best. I'm in Boston & she's in NY. And she has a bad temper so if I try this on the phone, she;s bound to hamg up on me. So I thought I'd write her a letter like this...

BOMBS AWAY!!!
___________________________
Hi Mom,
Things are moving along with the wedding planning. I am going wedding dress shopping again this weekend at the outlet I told you about. Hopefully I will find something soon and be done with it. I am trying to get as many wedding related matters over with so I can concentrate on this pregnancy. Sometimes wedding planning is a welcome distraction, sometimes its added stress.

Speaking of stress, this wedding is turning out to cost MUCH more than Rob & I ever anticipated. The actual cost per person right now stands at $_____. With Dad’s donation, we barely cover the food.

You had said your gift would be my gown. We haven’t talked about it much so I am assuming that this is still the case. If something has come up and you’re not comfortable with this anymore (I know Beth is looking for money), let me know.

Rob and I are paying for the band, the ceremony musicians, the photographer, flowers, the priest, the invitations & postage, hair & makeup, his attire, our wedding rings, transportation, favors, bridal party gifts, tips, hotel accommodations for the wedding weekend, and our honeymoon. PHEW!

I have no idea where this money is coming from and with a new baby on the way & buying a new house; money is very tight for us right now. We are doing everything in our power to keep costs down.

One of the most obvious places we can save money is by making cuts to non-essential things and people from the wedding day. All the pretty little extras I wanted at my wedding are gone. We actually might cut favors as well, as it is a big expense & no one ever cares about them anyway.

Next issue is the guest list. We obviously can’t cut family. It’s really important for Rob & I to have people close to us there to share this big day. I know you feel strongly about having your friends there but we just don’t have the money for you to have 30 people. As you said yourself, my wedding is not the place for me to be meeting people for the first time. It’s a very special day for us. So as thank you gift for the gown, I will set aside one table for your friends. We simply don’t have the money for any more than that.

I know that this is not what you want, but please understand that we are all making sacrifices to make this day happen.

Love,
Caroline and Rob

Ugg Good luck with this! But IMO if you're paying it's your choice! I cut people off my FMIL's list w/o telling her. I asked my FH who they were, he didn't know-so off they went. We're paying.

You (mom) want them to come, you (mom) pay!

Yesterday my mom mentioned someone she forgot and offered to pay for her to eat, etc. If I'd invite her. So I said ok!
Best of luck with this. You know your mom best, so I can't tell you what to write. But, I think this is nice and to the point!

I think that's a nice letter. You put it much nicer than I would have.

it states your concerns in a graceful manner

great job! not nasty, and kept it simple and graceful.

good thing you mentioned that you want it to be family you are close too---cause in the end the family from your father's guest list, is YOUR family too.

be prepared for the MAJOR backlash she will give you. (no matter how nice this letter is--it will happen!)

sobbing... you guys are so nice. THANK YOU!!!

(Pregnancy hormones kicking in)

---

Posted by xcalystax

I think that's a nice letter. You put it much nicer than I would have.

---

I totally agree. You were honest, direct, and very pleasant. I, on the other hand, would probably be a total b*tch and would need you ladies to revise it for me.

Please keep us posted and best of luck!

Very well said. You're handling this very well.

Let us know how it goes! I think it's fine to send the letter!

i think your letter is really good. one thing i woudl think about in advance is whether or not you would be willing to add people if she covered the cost. If you are willing - then you might consider adding a line that says that.

I also might take the line out about mtg them for the first time that day. If you were cutting them for that reason (just didn't want them there), I'd leave it in... But, if it is cost (and esp. if you'd add them if she covered the pp charge) then I'd take it out. JMO

Again -- your letter was really good!! Good luck!

perfect!

you build your case VERY well. i esp. like the little touches of humor (phew!) and how you always make a point to thank her or offer words of understanding. it's light hearted yet to the point, informative yet still friendly. i think it's perfect.

gluck!

I think it sounds great! It's well written and so not agressive at all. Good luck!

i think that is good, but maybe you want to compromise instead of cutting out all 30 friends. maybe limit it to 10, that is what we did.

we had our parents have a table each of friends.

that made both sides happy

HTH!

---

Posted by angnick

i think that is good, but maybe you want to compromise instead of cutting out all 30 friends. maybe limit it to 10, that is what we did.

we had our parents have a table each of friends.

that made both sides happy

HTH!

---

I think she did just this -- look toward the end of the letter, she said she'd set aside one table for her friends.

---

Posted by carolinebr

For those who don't know the background, my mother is demanding that her 30 friends who I don't know be invited to my wedding.

I would talk to her in person, but I only see her 2x a year, at best. I'm in Boston & she's in NY. And she has a bad temper so if I try this on the phone, she;s bound to hamg up on me. So I thought I'd write her a letter like this...

BOMBS AWAY!!!
___________________________
Hi Mom,
Things are moving along with the wedding planning. I am going wedding dress shopping again this weekend at the outlet I told you about. Hopefully I will find something soon and be done with it. I am trying to get as many wedding related matters over with so I can concentrate on this pregnancy. Sometimes wedding planning is a welcome distraction, sometimes its added stress.

Speaking of stress, this wedding is turning out to cost MUCH more than Rob & I ever anticipated. The actual cost per person right now stands at $_____. With Dad’s donation, we barely cover the food.

You had said your gift would be my gown. We haven’t talked about it much so I am assuming that this is still the case. If something has come up and you’re not comfortable with this anymore (I know Beth is looking for money), let me know.

Rob and I are paying for the band, the ceremony musicians, the photographer, flowers, the priest, the invitations & postage, hair & makeup, his attire, our wedding rings, transportation, favors, bridal party gifts, tips, hotel accommodations for the wedding weekend, and our honeymoon. PHEW!

I have no idea where this money is coming from and with a new baby on the way & buying a new house; money is very tight for us right now. We are doing everything in our power to keep costs down.

One of the most obvious places we can save money is by making cuts to non-essential things and people from the wedding day. All the pretty little extras I wanted at my wedding are gone. We actually might cut favors as well, as it is a big expense & no one ever cares about them anyway.

Next issue is the guest list. We obviously can’t cut family. It’s really important for Rob & I to have people close to us there to share this big day. I know you feel strongly about having your friends there but we just don’t have the money for you to have 30 people. As you said yourself, my wedding is not the place for me to be meeting people for the first time. It’s a very special day for us. So as thank you gift for the gown, I will set aside one table for your friends. We simply don’t have the money for any more than that.

I know that this is not what you want, but please understand that we are all making sacrifices to make this day happen.

Love,
Caroline and Rob

---

I THINK THAT IT IS BEAUTIFULLY STATED!!

GOOD LUCK HON

Q

I think this letter is well written and should in no way offens her. I don't know your mom but if I received this letter, I would not be upset or take it personal. YOu stated everything well and politely.

Good luck and keep us up to date!!

---

Posted by Kara and Todd

---

Posted by angnick

i think that is good, but maybe you want to compromise instead of cutting out all 30 friends. maybe limit it to 10, that is what we did.

we had our parents have a table each of friends.

that made both sides happy

HTH!

---

I think she did just this -- look toward the end of the letter, she said she'd set aside one table for her friends.

---

u are right, thanks... i missed that part!!!

Thanks again everyone...

If she wants to pay for them to come, I guess they can come. But I'm not sponsoring a fricking Red Hat party in the middle of my wedding. No way, no how.

Its a little bit of both: I don't know these people, therefore I don't want them AND I don't want to pay for them.

She threw a FIT when my dad tried to invite 4 people that are actually his cousins. She flipped out saying how these people wouldn't know me if they passed me on the street & they don't belong there & how i shouldn't be introduced to people at my wedding unless they are FH's family. So I told my dad NO. And he's paying for a big chunk!

She told me to fake it at my wedding & pretend I knew her friend so my dad won't catch on. (They're divorced.)
Also her 30 friends are all from her divorce support group & the Red Hat Society. She even wanted her priest from her Divorce Group to marry us. Um, can you say inappropriate???