1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Original post by Sonicstef

Jan 06, 2003 09:22 AM

It seems like everyone on this board talks about having children right after they are married or hopes to. Nothing at all wrong with that...Im just wondering if there are any newlyweds here who definitely do NOT want children are are not sure?

ChristineC68 Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:12 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I get so angry when some guy says 'I'm babysitting tonight'. You dont babysit your own kids. You are supposed to take care of them.

One of my friends was concerned about her husband's level of participation with a child. So she started giving examples of what things will change - like time for housework. He said we'll get a housekeeper. She said ok - go get one. So he had to interview them and supervise them because they don't want anyone in the house while they are not there. She wanted him to know that just because he made a decsion, it doesn't mean his responsibility ended.

shamma Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:14 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Can the church say AMEN!!! Christine I agree 100%

ChristineC68 Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:16 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

LOL Shamma

jeng Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:20 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

My Dh go back and forth on the 'when' of it all, but we know for sure that we want to have children. But it is a personal decision, and none of anyones business.
Despite that, we also get asked all the time, and I found a response that works well for us.....

' I'm still way to selfish for kids right now.'

There really is no way to respond, so it ends the inquiry right there!

shamma Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:21 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

that is one of my many fears, the responsibility will be all in my hands.

I would love to hear from some of the mothers on here, about how much of the responsibility do their hubbies share in when it comes to the rearing of children???

yabbobay Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:23 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Stef...i was thinking about the same thing...

Dh's cousin (5 years younger than us) just had a baby...and now eveyone asks us...I said not for 5 years...and someone had the nerve to say, 'but you'll be so old!'

I couldn't believe it...My father was 40 when he had me and he was more active than most fathers (physically ran around with us and took us on roller coasters...etc)

My MIL chased me around the house the night after our wedding...telling me I should go make babies...

I told her I want to see every continent before I have kids...she says she'll watch the kids

Shamma...i agree with you...I'm a little selfish...I like buying myself things...I like taking vacations...

A puppy is hard enough for me right now...

dkga1026 Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:26 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

i agree that this is a very personal decision and i applaud all the couples out there who are aware enough of themselves to admit that they are not 'ready' to have children....it's sad to say, but there are too many people out there who just should not be parenting...

as for me and dh, we aren't really planning this yet, but i will say that if i knew i would be able to get preganant right away, i would wait until my early - mid 30's to begin trying...we may start sooner only because you never know how long it will take to happen and i can't deal with that kind of stress

michele31 Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:29 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

While I want children very badly, I also respect couples who make the best decisions for themselves and do not give into the pressure to have children. This decision should be between 2 people, and not an entire family. The grandparents and others want a baby to play with and dress-up (understandably) but you and your DH are the ones whose lives will change forever. As anyone considered the 'no of your business' reply to these rude questions? I never ask someone 'when are you having a baby'. I have a close friend who cannot get pregnant and that question hurts her when asked. People do not know why someone is does not have a baby and it is NO ONE's business either.
And I agree about the 'I am babysitting' comment that some dad's make. You are a PARENT, not hired help. That always make me mad. Why is caring for your child a chore?
Stef you are not alone. There is an entire thread on WC about women who do not want to have child.

VickiC Posted: Jan 06, 2003 11:59 AM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

We too have no clue yet if we want children. We both like the lifesytle that we have right now, and we're not ready to give that up. We'd like to have a house first, and travel al little more before we even think of children. All I know is that I can't even imagine having children at the moment.

Sometimes I get those pangs, and I think it's because there are 2 new babies in the family and a few of my friends are either pregnant or trying, so I am around it a lot. Overall though, I know we are just not ready for it.

Cira Posted: Jan 06, 2003 12:05 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Rob WILL help out, that's not even a question in our house. But I know it will mostly be me. He's good though, he helps me with everything from the cooking to the cleaning.

yabbobay Posted: Jan 06, 2003 12:36 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I have a friend who is due next week...I'm not sure if I want to go through what she is going through right now...

at least just not yet

shamma Posted: Jan 06, 2003 12:51 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Ladies what are some of your fears:

My fears are:

Weight gain that will never go away
Never having the funds to do as we wish
Not having the freedom to get up and go like you used to
Missing quiet time alone and with my hubby
Spontaneity
Rude kids/no disicipline whatsoever

JustJodi Posted: Jan 06, 2003 12:55 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I have a 6 year old and now that I just married his father ( 6 years late) I have been ttc every month.
I want so bad to have more children that I have become extremely depressed and am probably hurting myself instead of helping myself.
But thats not the case and thats ok becuase he does what he has to do to make a good living for us.

I dont think there is anything wrong with not having children..I dream about that lifestyle too but I also know that since I am 32 and know most woman start having trouble TTC around now.. that time is not on my side. ( I would love 2 more)

Bill is the bread bearer in the family and is a MD and works CRAZY hours ( not easy being a doctors wife) so I take care of my son with regards to his daily activities. It is hard sometimes and wish that my husband could just come home ONE night at 6pm JUST so I can have some time to myself.

I definilty think that you must mentally be ready for parenthood. It is not for everyone..
And it makes me so mad when I read about these parents that hurt or kill there children and then someone like me who wants them so badly and is having trouble having them...
I will always feel blessed for the one god gave me already though..

Just make sure it is what you want or dont want and never let anyone try to second guess yourself.
Let them worry about there own lives

JustJodi Posted: Jan 06, 2003 12:58 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

BTW shamma.. EVERYONE worries about the same thing.. somehow things always just work out and you get by..
You talk about going to the gym all the time.. a couple months of sit ups and the tummy is pretty much gone.. ;-)

dgtlsunshine Posted: Jan 06, 2003 12:59 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

My fears are
can't afford childcare
no more me time
no more dates with hubby
childbirth itself scares me as well

ChristineC68 Posted: Jan 06, 2003 01:03 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

My fears are-

Would we be able to raise a good responsible person?

Am I capabale of teaching someone how to talk, read, have good manners?

Do I have the patience to handle a child having a tempertantrum in the middle of a store?

Would I resent not being able to pick up and go whenever I/we want?

Sonicstef Posted: Jan 06, 2003 01:03 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I think the biggest obstacle to having children for us (and many people) is that both of us MUST work to live a lifestyle we would be happy with.

So aside from the 'do I really want to do this?' fear, there is:

a) who will watch him/her when we are at work?
b) how will I be both a good mother and have a sucessful career at the same time?
c) where is there time to do all that and have time to be a normal person?

I think if we all lived 50 years ago and our husbands were the sole provders, our choices would be a lot easier and the burdens on our shoulders would be a lot less.

Stef28 Posted: Jan 06, 2003 01:06 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

While personally my DH and I are TTC right now and want to have kids I don't think there is anything wrong with saying 'I don't want children'. I think it takes more guts to say that and be happy with your life then to just have children and not be the responsible parent you should be and be unhappy with your decisions.

It's your life and no one else's -- so the choice to have children or not is your very own. I too am amazed at everyone asking about when are we having kids with no regard to what kinds of problems or issues lie beneath the question. My MIL and husband's aunt are so funny about it. They are not overbearing but they always talk about it and when we see them they do little fertility jokes 'like fertility dance around the bed' in a joking manner.

I wanted to wait awhile before having kids originally but then the beginning of 2001 it hit us that it felt right. We've been together over 6 years -- 1 year married and over 3 years living together. We felt like we wanted to do it now. So we started last month.

But I do think about it a lot -- now that we are trying and it could be a reality soon -- how our lives will change and am I ready and am I too selfish.

You can never really be prepared -- but like Shamma said -- I don't believe God gives us more than we can handle. You figure it out as you go.

shamma Posted: Jan 06, 2003 01:07 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Jodi, that's what everyone says, but when will I find the time to go to the gym, what about my shopping excursions Oh my I am afraid of the birth too Neva

NIHA Posted: Jan 06, 2003 01:12 PM

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

This a very interesting post, and I just want to share that even though I am pg and very happy about it (it was planned), I have many of the same fear/concerns that all of you do. They are:

constant worrying about a lifetime of financial restraints, since neither DH or I chose a career that pays a lot

how will i manage a career and raising kids?

will DH help out enough?

will i ever get to do what i want again and continue to have some freedom?

what if i just can't handle being a parent and stick the kids in front of the tv too much?

how will I ever stop worrying about what can happen to my kids

One of my biggest fears stems from my parents divorce and my mother not being able to continue to raise us full time b/c of her own issues. She moved out when I was 13 and my sister was 16. What if I follow in her footsteps and can't handle it?

This is all very serious stuff to me, and although I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it, I usually lean more towards thinking that DH and I just need to take one day at a time, and look at what the most important things in life are, the rest will fall into place the way they are meant to be.