1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I dont think anyone is saying that having lots of money is whats its all about just that having enough is important. Of course all the other factors like love, value, etc are even more important. But you cant discount $$ from the equation. Those who didnt have much growing up and still had a wonderful childhood - you are very lucky! Most children who do 'without' (and I dont mean without luxury, I mean without the things that we all take for granted) do not have such wonderful memories.

I certainly dont think a child needs to have a fully funded colleget education/wedding/car/whatever. Im saying that a child needs more love.

My best friend had her daughter at 18, and got married at the same time. She finished high school, went to community college and took classes. She was VERY LUCKY to have a man that loved her and that she loved since the 6th grade. He had a good job and she was able to stay home and care for their child. She also had a son, by choice, a few years after. So I know first hand her struggles, accomplishments and sacrifices that are made when you are a young mother. People still tell her 'But you are SOOO young to have a 14 year old daughter' Even though things can work out for the best, she would never want her daughter to have a child so young. She wants her to grow-up on her own schedule, go to college, be independant, and then get married and have children.
I think financial stablity is something to consider when having TTC. Of course, things happen everyday and we all have to roll with the punches and make the best of all situations BUT if you are making a decision to TTC you should have some idea of the financial impact on your lives, as well as the emotional impacts. Life is about change. Whether you have a child by chose, by 'accident' or none at all life still changes. So whatever your decision or situation there is no cyrstal ball. We just have to do the best we can.

You know what's funny about this thread? It starts off addressing one topic (anyone NOT ready for parenthood?) and becomes something else altogether (the definition of a good or bad parent).

I find michele31's point about family interesting...that you don't need a child to be considered a family. I guess that's true, but it makes me wonder why she wrote in my Christmas card this year 'Enjoy your first holiday as a family...'

Personally, I don't think that ANYONE should feel guilty or bad about wanting to travel and do their own thing before they decide if they want a child. It is a personal decision whether you want to commit to parenthood now, later on in life or not at all. There's no right and wrong, but, I do believe that it takes just as much strength and courage to make any choice - not one more than the other.

And Stef, you're right about one thing...you could do ANYTHING...be a millionaire or sacrifice everything you have to raise a child and that will NOT make you a good parent. But, I didn't think we were addressing being a good vs. bad parent, just some of what parenting involves and how to determine when and if you are ready.

Which brings me to my last and final point...this point was raised on Oprah yesterday (regarding fatherhood) and it makes a lot of sense.

There is NO HANDBOOK for parenting, and everyone will have different priorities, different values and differing viewpoints on what is right for a child. And it's not right for us to sit in judgement about how someone else chooses to parent. By the same token, you shouldn't let the bratty kid you see in public make your decision about whether or not to have your own child.

The only thing we can do is try our best, and like DeniseMang pointed out, sometimes you learn life lessons together with your child. It's not an exact science and a lot about parenting is learned as you go. What works for one child might not work for another and you have to adapt.

That is why I stressed my view that there is no such thing as an exact 'magical' moment that will make anyone feel ready to embark on this journey.
Some people feel they owe their children everything and give their children everything, others teach their children that they have to earn everything in life. Which one is right? That, like everything else we discuss here, depends entirely upon your experience and perspective.

Thanks for the good debate on this topic! It sure did raise a lot of valid and useful viewpoints!

I feel that Scott and I are a family, with or without children, although I hope to have a child.
Claud- the Christmas card was written specifically to you and Jeff (and Paul, of course). While I do not normally address a husband and wife as a 'family' in a Christmas card I still think they are.

bumping for KMCWED

Thanks Shamma! Wow!! Guess I'm not alone at all!!

KarenM

Well, if anyone is still reading this, I just posted this http://www.liweddings.com/chat/topic.aspx?ID=797621&P=1