A better wife?

A better wife?

I am writing under a different name because a few people that I know come on the site regularly. I am just really feeling like a bad wife right now and am not sure how to change myself. I love my husband a lot, as he does me, but constantly feel bad about myself. I gained 15 pounds after we got married and no longer have the energy to work out any more (even though I know that it makes me feel good and have more energy. Also, I commute in to the city for work (have a good job and make a good salary) and enjoy cooking, but never feel like cooking or cleaning when I get home. My husband does his share (errands, grocery shopping, etc.) and I feel like I am not carrying my weight in this marriage. I feel like people often have the opposite problems with their husbands not doing enough. I am not sure what I expect you guys to say, just looking for some perspective. I know I want to change and feel like I don’t have the energy to – if that makes any sense?

Re: A better wife?

Re: A better wife?

Yes -- he thinks that exercising would help because he knows that it gives me more energy and makes me feel better about myself. But, I don't think that he realizes that I am frustrated with myself because I want to change, but can't.

Re: A better wife?

You may be depressed. Any thoughts of seeing a doc about it? It's more common than you think.

Re: A better wife?

I agree that it could also be depression.

But, I also have another thought. It's very important for you both to establish your identity as a couple. What I mean by that is:

Just because you are 'the wife' doesn't necessarily mean that your responsibilities will include 'shopping, cooking, cleaning'

Maybe your DH would prefer to do those things while you may prefer to 'take out the garbage, mow the lawn, etc.'

My DH and I have learned that we really don't fit into the 'traditional' husband and wife roles.

He loves cooking. I take care of maintaining our cars.

He does laundry. I move things around the house...

Re: A better wife?

Re: A better wife?

Don't beat yourself up! I'm sure your DH thinks you are good wife, even if you haven't been working out or cleaning lately. That's not what makes a 'good wife'- what makes a good wife is loving and supporting your husband- and I'm sure you are not lacking there. It takes time to get adjusted to the role of 'wife' and to get adjusted to being married. For a while I was cleaning like a maniac and going crazy with decorating because I wanted everyone to see what a good wife I was and how I kept a nice home- in the end I was tired and cranky and I had to step back and see it was more inportant to have fun with DH at least part of the weekend than have the perfectly clean house. If you feel depressed definitely seek help and ask your DH for encouragement about how you are doing what really matters, making him feel loved....hope this helps a little.....

Re: A better wife?

Than you -- I appreciate your responses.

Re: A better wife?

Don't get too worked up over the 'title' of wife. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to cook and clean when you come home from work. If you like to cook you can cook nice meals on the weekend- and nothing crazy during the week. It might help if you try not to think of all of the things you HAVE to do. You might just be tired because you are overwhelmed at how much you think has to be done. First try getting back into working out- because that is for you and might make you feel better.

Re: A better wife?

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Posted by Blu-ize

You may be depressed. Any thoughts of seeing a doc about it? It's more common than you think.

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I think it's depression also making you not want to do much. I would try to talk to someone if are willing to.

Re: A better wife?

Wow!!! I could have written part of this post myself. I, too, have been feeling very down, have put on a lot of weight, and lack energy. I know in my case, I have been going through a lot of personal issues (totally unrelated to my husband, our marriage is the only good thing.). Luckily, he has been very supportive. As another poster stated, it is good to try taking a series of baby steps. Has anything in your life been troubling you a bit: family, job related, etc....? These 'smaller' issues can effect you more than you may think. Also, even though marriage is a wonderful thing, it can be stressful even if you do not see it directly. I know in my instance, the stress of eventually getting a house and having children has been getting to me knowing that are salary's are insufficient right now. This is okay for us, but I think a lot of times when you step into a 'role' (such as husband and wife), we expect way too much of ourselves overnight. These things really take awhile. Being that it sounds like you are a little depressed, it may be a good thing to talk to someone anyway. Also, remember to try and take some time to do something for yourself each day (as small as it may be). This can help you greatly and boost your moral.

Best of luck to you!!!

Re: A better wife?

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been working almost 300 hours a month since our wedding. I also make a very good salary but, I guess, that is the extent of my contribution. I don't cook ever and rarely clean. Either he cooks, we eat out or we get take out. We've had a cleaning lady come to clean our one bedroom apartment! I've also gained some weight because of my eating schedule (eating late at night) and never having time to exercise. Honestly, I feel like a bad wife but, at the same time - its just not possible to do all those things and work. I think its very hard to compare yourself to people who don't have jobs or have easier hours - you CANNOT do everything and shouldn't feel bad for not being able to.

That said, I don't plan on staying at this job forever and, am leaving in the near future to pursue a less intensive and more rewarding career. I always tell my husband that when I stop working so much - I will be the wife he deserves.

In all honesty though, my husband completely understands because he works long hours too. He knows its not possible to do everything so, my point is, you should relax and realize there are many different ways of being a good wife and, not all of them involve cooking and cleaning

Re: A better wife?

If you are really concearned, or just want to make sure you start out on the right foot, I'd recommend a good marriage councelor!
My husband and I started couples counceling about 6 months before the wedding...so we'd be starting off on the right foot. Everyone has unresolved stuff floating around in their subconscious and/or lives that can interfere with a good marriage.

I am a huge advocate of therapy (in whatever form that works for you) ...
if your foot hurts you see an MD...
if your relationships hurt, you see a social worker!
Just a suggestion

Re: A better wife?

Re: A better wife?

I agree with all the advice that you have been given.
I just felt compelled to tell you not to be so HARD on yourself. take it day by day and try to motivate yourself a little here and there. The weather is finally getting nicer- you can go for a short walk. ( thats what I want to do- I gained a about 10-15 as well)

I totally agree with Sonicstef about maybe getting a little help with the cleaning. You could always just get someone 1 or 2x a month to do the heavy stuff.

It does sound like your depressed- don't be ashamed to seek help. I think most people go throught this in thier lives.

Definetly ease up on yourself :)


Good luck