A lesson I learned this morning about inlaws and getting things off your chest

Ok.

This may be a confusing post,but I will try my best to be as concise as possible.

As you know I posted a couple of days ago that DH was sick this past weekend (minor flu symptons). Well as you know I was crazed at work on friday, so I call my inlaws home. They NEVER answer their phones, they are always screeening their calls. So I leave a message for his 18 year old brother the only one who would be home at that time to give me a call. When he does I proceed to tell him that I felt uncomfortable leaving this on the machine as not to worry you or your parents, but your brother is a little sick, would you mind stopping by my place and checking on him? I should be home in a few hours, but before then I would feel better if someone checked on him. He said cool and all was well.

Fastforward to Sunday- my MIL calls and I tell her that hubby is better now. She is in shock because she did not know. She claims his brother never told her.

Ok. Last night DH tells me that his parents (rather his dad)think I intentionally did not tell them that hubby was sick and I told his brother not to tell them , which was so not true.

My FIL does not like me. I know it, never called him on it, but he is trying to sway my MIL into thinking that I kept this valuable information from him. DH claims that he told them both that it was a simple miscommunication, but who knows what they are thinking.

I just called the house, of course no answer, but I REALLY want to talk to my FIL to set him straight- something I should have done a LONG time ago.

Thougts!!!!!

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Posted by nrvbrd

Ok.

This may be a confusing post,but I will try my best to be as concise as possible.

As you know I posted a couple of days ago that DH was sick this past weekend (minor flu symptons). Well as you know I was crazed at work on friday, so I call my inlaws home. They NEVER answer their phones, they are always screeening their calls. So I leave a message for his 18 year old brother the only one who would be home at that time to give me a call. When he does I proceed to tell him that I felt uncomfortable leaving this on the machine as not to worry you or your parents, but your brother is a little sick, would you mind stopping by my place and checking on him? I should be home in a few hours, but before then I would feel better if someone checked on him. He said cool and all was well.

Fastforward to Sunday- my MIL calls and I tell her that hubby is better now. She is in shock because she did not know. She claims his brother never told her.

Ok. Last night DH tells me that his parents (rather his dad)think I intentionally did not tell them that hubby was sick and I told his brother not to tell them , which was so not true.

My FIL does not like me. I know it, never called him on it, but he is trying to sway my MIL into thinking that I kept this valuable information from him. DH claims that he told them both that it was a simple miscommunication, but who knows what they are thinking.

I just called the house, of course no answer, but I REALLY want to talk to my FIL to set him straight- something I should have done a LONG time ago.

Thougts!!!!!

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I would DEF set his ass straight.. I have IL's like that.. or should I say MIL like that and I have learned that it's better to set the record straight, otherwise, they will walk all over you..

Honestly, I think this is something you should leave up to your hubby! If your FIL does not like you, you talking to him could quite possibly push the stake in a little further. Instead, I think you should talk to your husband and fully open up about the issue and see where he can talk to his or you both go together and talk to his family.

I am VERY familiar with inlaw issues b/c that was a HUGE problem for us until earlier this year, when my hubby had his entire family come over to our place and we all had a discussion. Since then, things are slowly settling in and I don't feel uncomfortable like I used to. When it comes to my family I deal with whatever issues there are, and when it comes to his family I let him deal with it. You really don't want to build on the resentment, but resolved and he understands his family, so IMHO, I think you should let him initiate the talking.

Hope I helped!

Ok. Last night DH tells me that his parents (rather his dad)think I intentionally did not tell them that hubby was sick and I told his brother not to tell them , which was so not true.

Why would someone do this? Def set him straight, maybe go over on the weekend and have a chat!

Your BIL obviously took the 'I don't want to worry your parents' thing too far.

And it's not like DH had the plague, he was a little sick. We all get sick sometimes and not call everyone under the sun with this 'valuable information'.

The issue with your FIL is seperate.

Why doesn't he like you? Did your DH ever discuss it with him? How is DH's relationship with his father? How do you think your FIL would react to being confronted?

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Posted by TrayLu47

Honestly, I think this is something you should leave up to your hubby! If your FIL does not like you, you talking to him could quite possibly push the stake in a little further. Instead, I think you should talk to your husband and fully open up about the issue and see where he can talk to his or you both go together and talk to his family.

I am VERY familiar with inlaw issues b/c that was a HUGE problem for us until earlier this year, when my hubby had his entire family come over to our place and we all had a discussion. Since then, things are slowly settling in and I don't feel uncomfortable like I used to. When it comes to my family I deal with whatever issues there are, and when it comes to his family I let him deal with it. You really don't want to build on the resentment, but resolved and he understands his family, so IMHO, I think you should let him initiate the talking.

Hope I helped!

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Tracy, I would agree with you, but this discussion with my FIL is a long time coming.I do not intend to be nasty, but to get my point across. Dh did tell them it was not my fault, but I am not satisfied that they know it.

My FIL barely speaks to me other than the obligatory hello, so things cannot get anymore tense than it already is.

I have been apart of this family for so many years and it hurts that they think this way of me. I bent over backwards this weekend taking care of hubby , making sure all of his needs were met (neglecting my own in the process) to hear this. Ok maybe I should I have followed up and called the parents, but I was so damn busy this weekend attending to my hubby, I am so mad.

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Posted by ChristineC68

Why doesn't he like you? Did your DH ever discuss it with him? How is DH's relationship with his father? How do you think your FIL would react to being confronted?

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FIL has reason not to like me, about 8 years ago DH and I got into an argumemt and I slapped him across the face- HARD. He told his dad and ever since then his dad has treated me different. I know it was a bad thing, but his dad has NOT gotten over it .

DH is VERY close to his dad, he has told his dad to lighten up. but his dad will not budge.
He is very cold to me. I am used to it now.

I am not confrontational so I will not confront him, but I want him to hear from own mouth what really happened.

I know you wouldn't come at him harshly, but what I'm saying is that only your hubby can really change his family's mind about you. You said our dh told his father 8 years ago when he slapped you and the father has been distant ever since. Does your hubby tell your family most of the things that go on in your relationship??? Him telling his family things like that can only lead to them resenting you more!

Say you clear this up with his father and then your husband tells them another incident that occurs in the future where you two fight again, then what??? You can't keep going back and clearing the path on behalf of your husband, only he can keep your reputation with them clean! This is a really tricky situation and I know how upsetting it can be, but you have to be really strategic and think about the best way to go about it. I have learned that these things can haunt us later on. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your fil, but I think you should allow your dh to first approach him and then you can jump in and state your case.

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Posted by TrayLu47

I know you wouldn't come at him harshly, but what I'm saying is that only your hubby can really change his family's mind about you. You said our dh told his father 8 years ago when he slapped you and the father has been distant ever since. Does your hubby tell your family most of the things that go on in your relationship??? Him telling his family things like that can only lead to them resenting you more!

Say you clear this up with his father and then your husband tells them another incident that occurs in the future where you two fight again, then what??? You can't keep going back and clearing the path on behalf of your husband, only he can keep your reputation with them clean! This is a really tricky situation and I know how upsetting it can be, but you have to be really strategic and think about the best way to go about it. I have learned that these things can haunt us later on. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your fil, but I think you should allow your dh to first approach him and then you can jump in and state your case.

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Tracy what we learned over the years is to keep people out of our relationship, however his dad still holds on to this. You have said some insightful things.

jpsgirl:
I was worried about DH so that is why I asked his brother to check on him. When I left him on friday he did not look to good, so to ease my mind I thought having his brother go over there would be ok, now I know.

I don't know you but I would have to imagine that your DH must have really done something wrong to have you smack him like that! HIs father should take that into consideration and let it go. Time has obviously been good to you both as a couple and he needs to back off. Its an insult to his son to treat you poorly.

Good Luck

I would say leave it alone, b/c you only have to live to please your husband, you know in your heart what you did. Your FIL is going to hold on to whatever he is holding on to, no matter if you save the world. He seems to have a made up mind and so be it. Everyone will not love you. As long as he respects you, that is all you can ask for. Leave it alone Kysha, it might be more trouble than its worth.

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Posted by shamma

I would say leave it alone, b/c you only have to live to please your husband, you know in your heart what you did. Your FIL is going to hold on to whatever he is holding on to, no matter if you save the world. He seems to have a made up mind and so be it. Everyone will not love you. As long as he respects you, that is all you can ask for. Leave it alone Kysha, it might be more trouble than its worth.

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I see your point as well.

Must be a sign, because I did try and call and the machine comes on. As I said they never answer their phone

he does sound like he is being petty...i know I don't call DH's mom when he is sick...nor does he call mine...

but I would not confront...i think it would just elevate the situation...

I have similar situations with inlaws too. Although since the wedding they have been fine. It seems sometimes some things I did or they think I did, they took it the wrong way, just like in your situation. I TOTALLY understand how frustrated you feel.

I agree with some of the other posts, that bringing this all up may make it worse. Been there, done that. It is better to leave it be for now ( I know how hard that is). I know with my inlaws, it would never do any good at all to confront, just the kind of people they are.

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Posted by Cindy

I have similar situations with inlaws too. Although since the wedding they have been fine. It seems sometimes some things I did or they think I did, they took it the wrong way, just like in your situation. I TOTALLY understand how frustrated you feel.

I agree with some of the other posts, that bringing this all up may make it worse. Been there, done that. It is better to leave it be for now ( I know how hard that is). I know with my inlaws, it would never do any good at all to confront, just the kind of people they are.

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Thank you Cindy.

I feel silly for posting this. I am so over this now. Let them think what they want.

I know the truth.

NRVBRD - back to you!
Dont feel silly for posting it. I totally understand the feelings.

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Posted by shamma

I would say leave it alone, b/c you only have to live to please your husband, you know in your heart what you did. Your FIL is going to hold on to whatever he is holding on to, no matter if you save the world. He seems to have a made up mind and so be it. Everyone will not love you. As long as he respects you, that is all you can ask for. Leave it alone Kysha, it might be more trouble than its worth.

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x

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Posted by Latina511

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Posted by shamma

I would say leave it alone, b/c you only have to live to please your husband, you know in your heart what you did. Your FIL is going to hold on to whatever he is holding on to, no matter if you save the world. He seems to have a made up mind and so be it. Everyone will not love you. As long as he respects you, that is all you can ask for. Leave it alone Kysha, it might be more trouble than its worth.

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Shamma thanks for these words. I know there were for Kysha but I needed this advice also since I am going to similar situation. I am dying to say something to my IL's but am holding back for DH.

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Yes, let's thank Shamma and ALL of the wise women on here. You know what in time my FIL will realize how he is.

Here's a thought - if the parents are so concerned about their son, maybe they should call him more often? If they did, then they would know! It is not your obligation to inform them of every little thing. I mean, yeah, if you DH was in the hospital (heaven forbid) or something serious, and you didn't tell them, I'd see their point. But something like this is not life threatening and I think it's unreasonable for them to react this way.

That being said, I agree in that a discussion may make it worse between you and your in-laws, given their unreasonableness. (At least, they seem unreasonable to me) You DH should keep working on them, but I think you should just keep being 'normal' with them.