Advice---I had an affair....

Please don't judge me...if you are going to just skip the post and move on. It's long...

I need advice. I have been with DH for 11 yrs....married for almost 2.

Our issues go way back, during 11 years he had 1 affair and a possible other 2 that I was never able to substantiate. I forgave him because I was so in love with him. He has been a good husband until we stopped communicating. He put his dreams to the side to help me follow mine. When I married him I was so in love, but with time my feelings turned to loneliness.

He has a lot of anger because of unresolved issues with his mother's death that permeate our relationship and he is unhappy with his career...something that causes a million arguments.

My career has taken me away from the home for a while, after I finished school I began working and coming home late. DH got used to this and too comfortable and got so secure that he would not feel the need to make me feel wanted. In the last year we went out to dinner 1 time and he stopped doing all the romantic things he used to. He became one with his Play Station to the extent that I would stand naked in front of him and he would tell me not now because I was interrupting his game.

It all broke down this past thanksgiving when he left me at my mothers after dinner (we usually just sleep at her house). I got so tired of feeling alone I began to resent him.

Walk in the new man. I met him at work...I used to see him all the time...we dont work in the same office...but have to see each other a minimum of 3 times per week for hours at a time. He would follow me, stare and make it blatantly obvious he was interested...he knew I was married and after a month or so of following me asked me to lunch. He was so attractive and charming I made the mistake of going to lunch. From the moment I sat across from him I knew I was hooked. He said all the right things, listened to me, even advised me to work my marriage out (before we got involved). He made me feel so pretty and wanted...we have the same career and life goals.

The affair progressed to the point he told me he loved me and I loved him. However, recently we argued a lot, because he would ask me to make up my mind and move on from DH. He said I know we cant and should not be together right away because you will have issues of your own to resolve but you need to find happiness...whether with him or me...but just make a decision. For 2 and half months I couldn't. I felt like I needed to give DH a chance and spoke to him about our issues and that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore...but he flipped on me...began treating me like ****...when he came to his senses he tried to make it up to me...but I picked fights and could not seem to even give him a chance.

Eventually the new guy told me he loved me and I told him I did as well. He would say you can't love 2 people at the same time...and I don't feel I do. I feel I am in love with him...but love DH...not sure if it makes sense.

This guy gives me a feeling I've never had in 11 years, with him its the true love making experience...we have a lot in common...yet are different...our differences keep driving us apart.... he has a son, I don't have children. He has issues with the son's mother and issues with guarding his heart and how he sometimes reacts to me in guarding his heart (ie during an argument he said 'F what I said before'--referring to telling me he loved me).

Move forward to now...this past week DH found out about my affair...he was devastated but asked me to give us another chance and come back home (I'd left to my mom's house for a week in search of some solitude to think). When I told the new guy my husband found out...knew his name...where he worked and how he looked he flipped and blamed it all on me. Said I had not been careful enough..eventually he got calmed and said that this was an issue only I could handle...that he had to step back but if I needed him he was a call away. I felt abandoned by him....I needed him to help me pick up the pieces of the puzzle he helped me destroy....I wasnt looking for him to come mediate my marriage...but to simply ask what he could do for me? Ask if i needed anything from him.

I went back home and DH and I talked...I told him I'd come back for the weekend and even found counseling starting tomorrow....

Now I am starting marriage counseling with DH but I can't even bring myself not to speak to the other guy. I saw him at work and we kissed...I spoke to him 4 times between yesterday and today.... I love him....I really feel like I do...but I need advice as to what to do next....

DH is a mess and I don't want to hurt him even more...he did not sleep or eat for 2 days...i remember the feeling because when he did it to me I felt devastated (yet I still went on and inflicted the same pain).

I have only known this guy for 2.5 months and I don't want to make the decision to leave DH for the other guy and have it blow up in my face (find out he's not who I think he is...or worst find out I belong with DH and its too late)....on the other hand...I dont want to loose the other guy and realize that DH and I have hurt each other so much that even if we try it cant be fixed.

the other guy wants me to attempt to fix my marriage...he says if it works then we got a great friendship out of this...if it doesnt then I can move on and I know where I can find him...he's always said he did not want me to leave DH for him because he did not want that guilt on him (yet he had an affair with me) and did not want that guilt to damage what could be our relationship.

I know I was selfish, I know I broke our vows>>>so please don't judge me....all I need is some advice from people who have no stake in my life and can see things from the outside.

Thanks

Although I'm not really one to give advice, I'll try.

First and foremost, I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how hurt your feelings were and that you had an affair. Tell him if you are sorry, tell him that you aren't even sure whether or not you want to work on your marriage and just be honest. He might be upset or mad as all hell but while you're allowed your feelings for what he did, he's allowed feelings for what you did. Give it some time to settle and see where you go from there.

If you decide you'd like to work on your marriage, I'd definitely see a counselor to help you two work through everything.

Good luck with whatever happens.

Thanks! The discussion already happened, I agreed to come back and see how this weekend goes....to do the things we used to when our relationship worked (dinner...movie..etc) and even start counseling tomorrow....


My fear is that I can't bring myself to cut off the other guy. I try and I can't. He called me this morning to see how I was holding up and I ran to the phone with excitement and when he told me he missed me I told him me too....

I just can't figure out what to do. I was actually thinking of being completely alone...although I know in practice it won't work. The other guy and I have attempted to give each other space countless of times but it never works.

ok here is my advice! WHen you are unhappy in a realionship its easy to stray to the first person who gives you the attention you are looking for.
DH is prob soo confused and hurt right now! i dont think seeing this other guy is going to help the situatton! Im a true believer that marriage is a life long commitement. so i truely believe you should concentrate on working on your marriage! going to counceling is prob the best things you can do! not only will it help with your current situation, but it will go into detail with what went wrong in the begining! the issues you had with DH that caused you to look for someone else. You dont really know this other guy that well and in my opionion he knew you were married and didnt care, there is just something about that the i dont like! its only been going on for a little while...the begining is always the best, but you already have some issue and i dont see that ending well imo! Just like you feel like you love this guy, you at once point felt the same way with DH thats why you fell in love with him and thats why you married him! You cant get back the love you have for DH if you still have this guy always lingering in the background! If you are going to comit to you marriage than you owe it to DH 100%


sorry im sure you are hurting to in this whole thing! you wanna do whats best for you and you dont wanna hurt anyone else in the process! you need to seriously think about what you want, and figure that out before you make the decision to leave your husband or to end it with the new guy.

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Posted by MrsCM

Although I'm not really one to give advice, I'll try.

First and foremost, I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how hurt your feelings were and that you had an affair. Tell him if you are sorry, tell him that you aren't even sure whether or not you want to work on your marriage and just be honest. He might be upset or mad as all hell but while you're allowed your feelings for what he did, he's allowed feelings for what you did. Give it some time to settle and see where you go from there.

If you decide you'd like to work on your marriage, I'd definitely see a counselor to help you two work through everything.

Good luck with whatever happens.

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i agree. you need to be 100% honest with him. if you guys decide to move on from here you have to start with that. if there is any way that you can rebuild your relationship you have to be open with one another. also, remember that this isn't something you can 'fix' in a short amount of time. if you do decide to try to make it work with DH its going to take a lot of effort from the both of you. good luck.

Well I agree that you can not work on your rel with DH while the other guy is in the picture.

I think you're more on the money when you say you need to be alone for a little bit to figure out what you want. . I think that you can go to counseling with DH but maybe should try not to process outside of that until you both have time to think about what you want and need. . and for BOTH of you that is beyond just saying you are in or out but what are the things that you both need to make it work. . and what you honestly think you can give and not. .

and to leave DH or not - you should be ready to do this (or not) if the other guy is in the picture or not. .

and finally YOU DO DESERVE to feel loved, and respected and treated well and you shouldnt need to feel like you are a failure if you leave but just sounds like you need a little more clarity.

I know 1 person who had an affair and is now married to the guy but I know that is the exception. .

I know someone else who had one and is not but it woke her up to the fact that she was not happy with how she was being treated. . the affair guy turned out to be a jerk but she's now with a fabulous guy..

not saying that this is usually what happens but know you are the one in charge of this part of your life!!!!

The new guy is VERY appealing bc hes giving you everything you hubby has not in a long time... Its soooo easy to get caught up in that and for that i completely understand how this could happen to you... But you must realize that the new guy knows how fragile your mind is right now and how easily it can be shaped... He's totally using that on you IMO

You know your hubby for 11 years... Thats huge... I just made 9 myself and know just how hard it is to keep things alive... It actually takes WORK... I swear I think I use more brain power to work on my own marriage than I do for work During my wedding ceremony, I used a reading that contained the line 'Marriages dont fail, people fail...' And this is something I always think back to in times of turmoil... Its US who chose to make it work or to let it fail... Think back to your wedding day, and all that you promised to one another, and your emotions on that day and let that be your guide...

Im really sorry you are going through this. Fortunately you have found a method to try and work out the issues between you and DH. There might be lots of resentment due to the infidelities in your relationship. First I think you need to start by 'shaking' the new man away.. Temptation is a BIT$%... You need to focus on your marriage IF you think there is any hope. If you need space for you.. Take the space! But keep it real with yourself. I wish you all the best! Keep us posted!

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Posted by MrsDtoBe09

I'm going to sound very judgemental about this but I have to tell you what I really think. You are not truly trying to work on your marriage if you're still kissing this other man and saying you're in love with him. It sounds like your marriage isn't going to work. You expected the person you had an affair with to help you pick up the pieces because he helped you mess them up? Come on, that's ridiculous. That's like me asking the ice cream that made me fat to come to the gym with me. Just my honest opinion, maybe not a popular one though.

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I responded on the BHB board...

but I want to add that I TOTALLY AGREE with EVERYTHING Ang said..... expecting this new guy to be there to 'pick up the pieces' is absurd. He has no ties to your husband and it's not his job to pick up the pieces. You did this to yourself and your marriage (and your husband did what he did to you and your marriage as well). This guy is just going to be a MAJOR road block for your marriage unless you let him go.... or let go of your marriage.

Honestly... at this point... I'm not sure you should be with either guy. Can this new guy really trust you? I mean he is with you while you are married.... I think one would be compelled to think 'well if I was the other guy and now I'm the main guy... what's to stop her from having another guy on the side'. Relationships that start off with this sort of turmoil and dishonestly usually don't end well.
Can you trust your husband? can he trust you? No matter who you choose you will certainly have a battle ahead of you... so you NEED to make sure you are going into it with your whole heart focused on ONE guy because there's a lot stacked up against you with either guy you choose.

If you want to make your marriage work... you should tell this guy that and ask him to not call you anymore. Change your number if you have to and delete his. Also I'd start looking for a new job. But again... that's IF you want your marriage to work..... from what I'm reading... I don't sense that you do.

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Posted by KerriJohnS

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Posted by MrsDtoBe09

I'm going to sound very judgemental about this but I have to tell you what I really think. You are not truly trying to work on your marriage if you're still kissing this other man and saying you're in love with him. It sounds like your marriage isn't going to work. You expected the person you had an affair with to help you pick up the pieces because he helped you mess them up? Come on, that's ridiculous. That's like me asking the ice cream that made me fat to come to the gym with me. Just my honest opinion, maybe not a popular one though.

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I responded on the BHB board...

but I want to add that I TOTALLY AGREE..... expecting this new guy to be there to 'pick up the pieces' is absurd. He has no ties to your husband and it's not his job to pick up the pieces. You did this to yourself and your marriage (and your husband did what he did to you and your marriage as well). This guy is just going to be a MAJOR road block for your marriage unless you let him go.... or let go of your marriage.

Honestly... at this point... I'm not sure you should be with either guy. Can this new guy really trust you? I mean he is with you while you are married.... I think one would be compelled to think 'well if I was the other guy and now I'm the main guy... what's to stop her from having another guy on the side'. Relationships that start off with this sort of turmoil and dishonestly usually don't end well.
Can you trust your husband? can he trust you? No matter who you choose you will certainly have a battle ahead of you... so you NEED to make sure you are going into it with your whole heart focused on ONE guy because there's a lot stacked up against you with either guy you choose.

If you want to make your marriage work... you should tell this guy that and ask him to not call you anymore. Change your number if you have to and delete his. Also I'd start looking for a new job. But again... that's IF you want your marriage to work..... from what I'm reading... I don't sense that you do.

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I have to agree with both ladies here. My sister had an affiar and is now married to the man she had an affair with. She didnt want to work on her first marriage. It would never have worked. Take some time for you to figure out what you want. BUT stop the affair. Its not fair to your husband and family. It was devastating for our family to go through..please take a step back and decide what you want before you continue with this.

wow..ok im no expert but here is my take

you first need to decide what you want

you flat out cant have both...working on your marriage whie kissing the other guy s not fair..to anyone

i dont know you or your hubby or this guy.but i question him cause how do u make a move on someone who you were trying to help repair the mariage?

i understand the hurt on both parts but someone has to be let go..if even both of them so u can have the time to figure out what you want

im sure the new guy is fun and things are great now but 11 years is a long time and make sure you are ready to give that all up before you start with this new guy

im not saying because you are married you should stay with the hubby..sometmes marriages dont work out..but you need to decide what to do

its not fair to go to counseing with ur hubby then kiss the other guy

i hope you can decide whats best for all of you and everybody can get out as best they can

good luck to you

I have to agree with the ladies who think you don't really want to be with your DH....in my opinion....you know how bad it feels to be cheated on and I just can't imagine going out and doing the same thing to him...maybe you never got over his cheating on you and deep down you felt it was ok to cheat on him....either way expecting the new guy to hold your hand through this is ridik.
I think you need to be honest with yourself and really reevaluate whether or not you want to be with DH....it just sounds like you don't want to be lonely....but it sounds like the person that needs to be worked on is you. You should cut ties with both men and figure out what you want, what makes you happy, because you don't sound like you are secure with yourself. Sometimes you need to be alone for an extended period of time to grow and be you and figure out what you want.
Even if you realize you don't want to be with DH jumping into a new relationship with your lover is not good..... its like those serial daters who always need a man to feel complete...it just is not healthy

All of the ladies have really given you some amazing advice.

In addition to all the great points that our girls gave you, I think you need to let go of the past and move forward. Think of today as starting over with your husband. The other guy needs to get out of the picture until you sort it all out.

You need to have a clear head and not jump to any decisions so soon.

Good luck

I think to need space and time for yourself away from both men. You were feeling neglected by your husband and found someone to fill the void but is it the man you are in love with or the attention? The only person that is responsible for your happiness is YOU...not the men you are involved with or any man you may meet in the future. If you love your husband and want to try to move forward you may want to consider individual therapy in conjunction with your marriage counseling.
It is very easy to forget about the anger and hurt you felt toward your husband just a few short months ago now that he is hurt and you feel guilty.
Take time to figure out what you really want. If you plan on working through thing with your husband you are going to have to end all contact with your lover. He is not your friend and he never was...a friend would not have put you in the position he did even if you wanted it. Good Luck! In the end it is most important that you are true to yourself and do what is best for you even if it is difficult.