Am I not family oriented?-you make the call

Hi. I just got in to a disagreement with a longtime male friend of mine concerning closeness with family.

Background info on me- I am not very close to my mom- she did not raise me, my deceased grandmother and my aunts one of whom I currently live with helped raise me. I am very close to them. There is no hatred toward my mom but we are not as close as some of you are to your mom's.

Point of my story- my friend's GF lives in the apartment of her family's house. He is always complaining that her mom and brother have no respect for her privacy. He vents to me all the time as I can relate because FH had the same living conditions. He then goes on to say that she leaves the door to her apt open so that she could go upstairs to see her mom 10 times a day. I said well that is the problem maybe she should cut back on going upstairs so often.

He then says that it is perfectly acceptable behavior and that I am NOT close with my family so I do not understand.

I was so MAD- just because I crave privacy at times and WOULD NOT want to see my family 10 x a day does not make me any less close to my family.

If you lived in a 2 fam house with your family how would you handle the visiting?

Thanks for letting me vent!!!!

I would keep the door closed so that everyone would have their own privacy.I'm sure my husband would want his privacy as well as my mom if we lived in the same house.
I think he was out of line on that one.
I am very family oriented but there's nothing wrong with knocking.

Hm, I probably would not live with my parents...

But if I was unemployed, etc. and my parents let me stay in their house, then I would be willing to give up some privacy and then it would turn into similar situation as when children are younger...

But I am a firm believer that living with either set of parents is not emotionally healthy.

It is only natural for parents/children to want to keep contact with each other, and living in the same quarters makes it much easier. But when a child is ready for a family of his/her own, these ways don't work in their best interest.

Thanks.

He thought I was wrong by suggesting that she keep the door to her apt closed and not go upstairs to her mom's house all the time then maybe her mom would pull back as well.

As much as I love my family I do now want to see them all the time and it would annoy me if they were constantly coming into my apt.

Nrv: Im in a similiar situation as you when it comes to mothers and I have made VERY SIMILIAR suggestion to a friend that is constantly *****ing about her mother and got a VERY SIMILIAR answer.

My point is - most people think that just because you are not like they are, then there is something lacking/wrong with you. It never occurs to them that perhaps you were not as lucky as they are in having as good of a relationship with certain family members due to no fault of your own. People who make comments about not being 'family orientated' are just insensitive idiots! They can not possibility fathom a lifestyle different than their own so they label you.

That was perfect Stef. You mirrored my thoughts.

Everyone's family structure is different. I know people who have the so called perfect family - Both parents still together yada yada, but they do not have the strong bonds that I have with my aunts/uncles/cousins etc.

Thank you so much!!!!

I moved away from home about 10 years ago, and I constantly get 'I could never live that far away from my mom/family. We're way too close'. Which ticks me off without fail! Since when does your geographic location indicate your relationship with your family It was/is very hard for me to be so far away from my family.

I chalk it up to them trying to justify or validate their own choices in their lives.

People can be so narrow minded and insentitive, sometimes.

I know many people who are super close to their parents and would keep the door open BUT I also know people who wouldn't, no matter how close they are.
The problem here lies in the fact that someone is venting about a problem, but doesn't want any solutions to the problem. Next time he brings it up, say 'We do not agree on the solution to this problem so I would rather not hear about it' or something like that.

You are NOT wrong and it doesn't mean you don't love family. You just have a different point of view and that should be respected.

Oh, And I think when people say 'I could never live that far away from my mom/family. We're way too close'. ' It is NOT putting you down jeng. It is more about their themselves. I say that all the time. That does NOT mean that people who move away don't love or need their families. It is more about my ability to live on my own (totally on my own) than it is about love.

I will agree to disagree, but just because a person does not want to be around their family 24-7 and does not allow them to intrude on their personal space does NOT mean they are not close to them.

This is what I had a problem with him saying.

I'm EXTREMELY close to my father but I still would never live with my parents, nor would I want to see them more than once a week.

And if I ever had the misfortune of having to move back in with mom and dad, much as I love them, I would CERTAINLY keep the door closed.

That guys comment was completely ridiculous.
It has nothing to do with being close or not close.
It's being INDEPENDANT and an ADULT.

My friends ex husband used to call his mother 4-5 TIMES a day. I think that's completely bizarre.

Thanks Susan.

I actually had another talk with him about it. We just agreed to disagree.

He still sees nothing wrong with her going back and forth to her parents house SEVERAL times a day, and keeping her door open to encourage her mom's intrusiveness, yet he complains about it.

nrvbrd:

Since he doesn't like your solution, then perhaps you're no longer obligated to hear his complaints.

I agree with alina.
Tell him to complain to someone who HE believes is more family oriented so that maybe he'll hear what he wants to hear.