And other Breadwinner Brides? Money questions...

I make significantly more money than my DH -- which brings up 2 issues:

#1) Now that we're married we've got to work out all the details re: how much to contribute to household expenses. How are you guys dealing with it? I'd like to do some kind of pro-rata thing so that each of us keeps a percentage of our salary... What is working for you?

#2) Have any of you guys talked to your DHs about them acting as the stay-at-home-Dad?

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Oh I could see this thread becoming ugly.... I am not the 'breadwinner bride' anymore but I hope that I can discuss with you anyhow... (For three years I worked while he was in school, now since he finished law school he makes more.)

1) I don't believe in 'my money' and 'his money'. Our marriage is a total partnership, so all money goes into one bank account which we both have total access to. I don't think that one partner should be entitled to more because they make more. Spliting like that seems to be an attempt to make a divorce more convenient... not the way to start a marriage...

2) I think that stay-at-home dads are a great idea, and should always be considered as a possibility. However, I don't think that it should be decided based purely on income. Day care would be better for a child then a bitter parent of either gender!

Thats my humble opinion.

Well it hasn't always been this way but right now I am. DH has always been up until this summer when he decided to go in with some guys to start up a new company. It has never mattered to us who was the larger breadwinner - everything is ours and for us. We have joint bank accounts. The only thing separate is our credit cards - which get paid out of the joint checking account. We never considered allocating money by who earned what.

Just in my honest opinion, I would hate it if my DH told me he was keeping part of his salary for himself and vice versa. I'd feel like he didn't trust me or something. At this point, I make significantly more money than my DH (who is also currently working out of our house) and I would never ever consider not sharing it! We are a team in everything, including money.

I am also intending to be a stay at home Mom (only 7 months away! ) no matter what my husband's job situation is at that point. Hopefully the business takes off and we won't have to struggle too much. But my DH also wants it that way, so we will work together to make sure it happens.

I can understand you wanting to have a piece of your salary just for you, but I've never been a fan of keeping things separate. I shop all the time and never once has my DH asked me to 'justify' or limit a purchase - no matter how silly -- and I do the same for his shopping habits. It's just a matter of working out what works best for both of you.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this, it's just our way of doing things and my personal opinion - it works for us!

Right now I am the sole breadwinner (hopefully not for long) and will most likely be the larger financial contributor for a long time to come. We have seperate credit cards but a joint savings account.

We have discussed the possibility of John being a SAHD and he is all for it. Hopefully that will be a real issue for us very soon. Its working out very well for a friend of mine. She tells me that she loves being home with her son but know she would miss her career. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Wow, I'm amazed at the number of breadwinner brides! Go women! I too am the breadwinner making about twice as much as my husband.

We absolutely share in every expense equally. Both of our salaries go into the same accounts and we pay bills out of it. We have never even discussed splitting it on a percentage basis.

As for my husband being a SAHD, I am all for it (but for being jealous--wish I could) but I don't think he wants to give up his work. Fortunately he can work from home quite a bit and will play a major role in our child-rearing (which is now only 6 months away!)

I too am the major breadwinner right now. Hubby works on commission and it's been a rough ride gettting re-established in a new territory since we moved back to LI.

We pool everything into common checking and savings and pay all bills from there. We have seperate credit cards only because we've just held on to what we had before we were married, although he's talked about putting my name on one or two of his for convenience (like getting the Discover card rebates)

One thing we do regarding 'fun' money or indulgent spending... since we're on a very tight budget right now, we each take a set amount each week for pocket money. It helps us keep track of the loose spending - lunch here, a few beers there and the stuff you just want but don't need, so we don't keep pulling from the ATM. It also eliminates any guilt feelings of buying a magazine or knitting yarns (me), or beers and books (him) - it's money to do what we want - not earmarked for bills and home improvements. He's more comfortable knowing that he's not taking away from our needs so this works for us.

I am also the higher wage earner right now but probably won't be for long.

We share everything- Credit cards, bank accounts, etc. We have done that since we got engaged and it enabled us to save our money faster and buy a house.

We're not really ready for children but in our limited discussions, my DH is OK with the idea of being a part-time stay at home dad.

One possibility would be for him to work three days and maybe some time on weekends. He also has better hours than me so he would be home first on days he worked.

We really haven't discussed this at length but I think it's an option.

I guess only time will tell but I have to say I'm happy he is looking at a higher paying position since right now it wouldn't be an option for me to stay home for any length.

Hope this helps.

Thanks so much for your responses! Honestly -- I didn't mean to start anything negative or ugly!! I truely want to get everyone's feedback & perspective -- I didn't mean to make any judgments.

Long story short, my brother & his wife keep their money totally seperate and have a pre-nup --> my sister & her husband keep their money completely together and have no pre-nup. Both marriages have produced 2 kids each and each pair had their ups & downs so it's not like either have been 'preparing for divorce' or anything... Honestly, I was interested in the different options out there & I honetly wanted to see what works best for other brides.

My DH makes less than 25% of what I make -- and I'm well-positioned to see my salary increase, while his will probably remain static unless he goes for a career change. I'm 32 and bought my first home on my own before we were married. I have always had my own money & spent it as I chose without asking anyone first --> so this marriage thing is a big adjustment. So far, all the extra money has gone to the wedding -- but now that that's over, it's decision time. The fact that my DH hates spending money, and I love to doesn't help.

And before you ask --> we don't have a pre-nup and my/our credit cards all have a zero balance.

I know men are almost socially conditioned to 'support the family' -- but this is all new to me! Plus my family put a lot of pressure on me to get a pre-nup before we married, which I wasn't comfortable with.

The money stuff also raises some uncomfortable issues for my DH too. I actually had a friend who dated a guy who broke up with her when he found out she made more money than him! To me that sounds like something out of a Victorian novel - not a modern day reality!! But those 'macho' issues still exist. He takes the 'sugar moma' comments in stride, but I know they can also sting a little. My DH is a guy who always 'did for himself' and he would love to be in a position where he could give me the option of staying home with a baby. He's a sweetheart and does all he can to support me & contributes to our home. That's why I addressed the post to women breadwinners --> I wanted to hear from other women who are dealing with the same social issues together with their husbands.

Honestly, I was surprised to hear that so many of you split everything evenly. In my experience, that hasn't been the rule with many of my friends and family members -- so maybe I had an unfair bias.

I'd definitely like to get more people's input / insight. I'd appreciate any opinions one way or the other.

Thanks!

I am also the breadwinner bride in our household. It is not an issue for us. When we marry on 11/2 we will begin to move our money into a joint account instead of maintaining individual accounts. I do not have a problem with couples that keep some of their 'own' money though. People very often like to spend what they want when they want and use that 'own' money for those reasons. It also helps when you want to buy a gift for your husband- so he doesn't see the statement.

I plan on either staying home or working P/T when little ones come along. Scott loves his job and would not want to leave his job.

I'm also the breadwinner in the family. I make at least double what my husband does.

We have joint accounts in everything, and we pay the bills from there. We have no 'my money, your money' thing going on.

When or if we have children, it's a real possibility that he would be the primary caregiver. He freelances and so his hours are much more flexible. Besides, his job right now has a daycare center there that we could always bring the baby to if needed.

Another breadwinner bride, and in a position where my salary will continue to increase at a much quicker pace than his. FH is not at all bothered by it. And we have discussed the possibility of him being a SAHD. He is not sure if he wants to, and to be honest, even though I make more I wouldn't pressure him based on that becuase I personally DO NOT want to be a SAHM and if my salary were less than 25% of what it is, that wouldn't change anything. I agree with whoever said that a child is better of in daycare than at home with a parent (mom or dad) who resents being there and wants to work.

My FH likes to spend and I like to save. I take care of the money. We each have a checking account, we having a savings account and a CD for the wedding. After we got engaged we put my name on his checking account so that I could transfer money to my account to pay bills/save. Really all of the money is ours. But his spending habits make me a little crazy and we have arranged it so that he has money to play with that I don't concern myself with. Thus his spending habits don't make me crazy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving yourself an allowance, so to speak, out of your salary to retain some independence. I don't think you should say 'I get to spend $1,000 each week and you ge to spend $10 becuase I make more than you.' And I don't think you should buy something big without discussig it with your DH, like my FH did when he bought a car right before we got engaged without telling me. 'What did you do with your day off? I bought a car.' This takes us back to his spending habits making me crazy!

In my case, even though I make more, I spend less becuase I would rather put money towards buying a house than buying a pair of shoes. So I am not sure if this helps you. But it does make for an interesting situation. Especially the comments we get about our jobs/incomes.

My husband make more that me...not much though...bu all of our money goes into one acct...and from there, we each get an allowance, which pays for our lunches and anything that we want. All the bills, commuting costs, gast, dinners out, and birthday/christmas gifts come out of joint salries. I do the bills but I discuss with my husband every penny that is in the account. We decide together what to do with any extra $$ that is in the acct. Our main goal is to pay off everything that we have bought for the house...including the 46inch TV before January. Then we can go and get out bedroom furniture.
When I was work in LI...I cut my allowance in half because I did not need that much, but now that I am back in the city, I get more each week.

I guess my thinking comes from when I was growing up. My mom always did the bills, (she didnt work until I was older) but all of my dad;s salary went to pay bills and such.

In this day, its hard for people to live on one salary but couples should put thier $$ together rather than 'contributing' a certain amount. I think it helps when you are trying for a common goal.

Lisa

Patrick's salary from his 2 jobs is more than double what I make at my 1 job. All money goes into joint accounts, from which all bills and things are paid. I am a horrible saver and a big time spender, so we agreed that all purchases made by me need to be cleared by him first. This has worked so well at cutting down my impulse spending. He rarely vetos my purchases, because speaking to him before buying makes me think before I whip out the credit cards, and I change my mind about frivolous spending before I even discuss it with him. This system probably wouldn't work with everyone, but for us, it's great! I still get the things I really want/need, AND we save a little more money each month.

Wow, I cannot believe how many of us are the 'breadwinner brides'!!! I'm impressed.

I, like a few others, am the sole breadwinner. My husband is still in school, and I have been supporting the two of us for the past two years (ever since we got engaged). We have always had joint EVERYTHING...bank accounts, credit cards, you name it. Someday, when he finally graduates (Dec. 2003) and becomes a Chiropractor, he will be making WAY more money than I could ever make as a teacher (one can hope, right?) so I figure that it all evens out eventually. When we have this baby in 6 months, I will unfortunately have to return to work, however I plan on being a SAHM as soon as he gets a secure job...early 2004 I guess.

JennRenee, Mike and I have a similar set-up...all of our money (he does work p/t as a lifeguard at his school) goes into a joint account and we pay all of our bills from there. Then, whenever I want to make a purchase, I clear it with him first...not because he makes me, but because I feel that even though I make the money, it's still OURS and I wouldn't feel right just spending it. You are right about it helping to cut down on impulse spending!!! :)

I must admit though, that once in a while I get a little bit annoyed when he 'wastes' our money on something stupid...then I start to feel like it's MY money, I'm the one working so hard for it, yet he is the one playing golf and whatnot while I sit home and try to figure out how to save save save. Whoa, hope I don't sound too b*itchy there!!! Just needed to get that out I guess!!

Okay, I'm not techincally the breadwinner. DH makes more than me. However he is out on workmans comp so I am working to pay for fanily health ins & Dental and to make up the difference in lost salary. With DH being out of work and having a 3 month old DH is a SAHD. He is actually going from a f/t to p/t SAHD. It has made all the difference in the relationship he has with our son.

We do however have seperate accounts. We have a joint checking and savings. We both keep a personal checking . Now I know DH hardly ever uses his.(he's soo cheap, refuses to buy things for himself) I use mine all the time. I hate the idea of ever having to ask him or check with him about buying anything. I pay a pre-determined amount towards the bills and savings acct. The rest is mine to do with as I see fit. It works perfect for us. We have no money tension at all. We have bills, mind you but no quarrels over paying them. It the best system for us.

My husband and I are pretty much on equal turf right now ... I make a higher base but he gets a nice bonus (which I do not)! If counted, he brings home a little more - but we honestly do not look at that. Everything is 'ours' - including the credit cards. My DH is a saver, while I USE to be a spender - so he did inherit all my debt, including my student loans, and car payment!
For us .... our money is ours. But I don't know how I would think about it, if it was just me carrying the load, especially at the start. Hypothetically, if it were me, I probably, would couple our money, the way we do now. But I can only speak for myself and how I feel about my DH. He keeps me in line and he is VERY good with the bill paying and saving. And he will be making more money than me in the long run.
Turn it around though, if it were your DH making 75% more than you, how would he situate the money thing. Usually for guys, they don't care -- at least the ones I know, what they make go to their wife and kids.

Good luck to you -- I know it's a tough call and could potentially hurt feelings.

I'm not married yet but my FI makes more than I do. I would like to go to at least part-time after we have kids but I have HUGE student loan bills so I don't think that will be a possibility. I think on LI its hard to have a one-income family unless one person has a great salary (and mine is LOUSY!!!). I wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on my FI to try to support a wife and kids even though his salary is pretty decent. But then you have to figure is it worth it for me to try to work FT and put the kids in daycare with what child-care costs on LI.
I think I need a new job!!! I like what I do but the pay really s***s!!!

my DH made double me...but unfortunately he was laid off...and now I am the sole breadwinner (with his unemployment)

we pool everything...it doesn't matter who put the money in the account...but at this point (since we are on 'austerity' lol) we haven't been making big purchases...i think all big purchases need to be cleared...