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Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

usuk2004 Posted:

Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Someone said recently that once you've made it past the two year mark, your chances of getting divorced decrease. But I keep hearing about people getting divorced after 4 years or 15 or even 20 years!

Do you ever wonder if you're marriage will last forever? I love my husband and I really, with all my heart, do hope we're together forever, but it worries me to hear about people 'growing apart'...what do you all think?
KerrC Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Since my DH and I did not know each other very long before getting married, I was concernced about it. However, now that we are married and are having a great time together, I rarely if ever worry about the big 'D'.

I wouldn't worry, it sounds like you have a solid relationship, don't concern yourself with 'what ifs'.
BMD'sPeanut Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Posted by usuk2004

but it worries me to hear about people 'growing apart'...what do you all think?


I think this is where the COMMITMENT you made to one another comes in.
(Putting aside abuse or things of that nature, I feel that you're pretty much -for lack of a better word-stuck!)
nov04LIbride Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I definitely worry about it. My parents divorced after 35 years...My father got a job as President of a corporation, and it really changed his personality. We know what we are like now, but there is no way to predict how experiences in the next 50 years will change us, or make us grow apart. It's a leap of faith, and I just hope for the best.

ETA: I don't take divorce lightly, but if there was ever a period where I really felt like I was just a happier and better person alone as opposed to in the marriage, I would consider divorce as an option. Feeling stuck is an awful thing--I wouldn't wish that on anyone--and I wouldn't want DH to be with me just because he felt he had to be because of vows. I want him to always WANT to be with me...
xjulietx Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I started off worrying because at the time I got married, I knew 4 people who were either separated or considering splitting up and they had only been married a few years and I had gone to all of the weddings.

Well, I expressed my fears to my best friend/matron of honor, who has been married for 5 years and has had her fair share of struggles (both her and her husband lost loved ones around the same time and she suffered anxiety attacks). My friend told me not to worry about divorce and just love and support each other.

She told me that she thought she loved her husband the most she ever could on their wedding day, but five years later, she loves him SO much more and has seen how truly wonderful and strong he is.

So I decided to keep this in mind and keep thinking that this marriage can grow into something beautiful if we love each other.

Geez, I'm an idealist
TwoBugs Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

This isn't something I ever think about, b/c if I did, why would I have bothered to get married?

BUT...DH's parents divorced two years ago, after 25+ years of marriage, and his only expression of emotion was a shrug and 'I don't really know what that's about'. So I am a little concerned that he doesn't see divorce as a big deal.
tourist Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I see that my parents have changed, but are still together & relatively happy.

I don't think there is such a thing as a 'a marriage ending'. It is not a seperate entity from the two of you with a mind of its own.

Marriages ARE ended, by people unable or unwilling to adjust, or who made a msitake in the first place.
TracyInQueens Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

On the one hand, it's not something I think about cosciously. But I make sure, every day, to take time to really talk with my husband, even if it's about mundane things. Little things add up. We always used to kiss each other good-night when we were about to go to sleep, and I noticed that we didn't do it as often, so now I make sure to do that every night, even though it's small. I really think those tiny day-to-day intimacies are an important part of staying connected to your husband.

KathleenG Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Call me naive but I never really worry about it. DH is more than my husband, he is my best friend and soul mate. I never had someone in my life that was so important. I have thought about the whole 'growing apart' issue. I understand it but have never worried about it. I, too, am stuck. But in a good way.
nov04LIbride Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Posted by tourist
Marriages ARE ended, by people unable or unwilling to adjust, or who made a msitake in the first place.


That's true, but as much as we think we have total and utter control over the situation, we don't. There is another party here. Even if you can swear up and down never to change, or to put up with anything the marriage throws at you, we just don't know now what life will throw at you. One of my good friend's parents lost a child to cancer before she was born. The doctors told them that over 80% of parents who lose children to cancer get divorced--being together just reminds them too much of the sadness. The doctor suggested they have another baby immediately, which they did. My point is, you just don't know what hardships you may endure and how you both will treat them as they come. It's easy to say we will make every decision together and communicate about everything, but as a realist probably at least 20% of the newlyweds on here won't be married to the same person in 10 years. And that is generous compared to national averages. I would hope no one now would say, 'I know I'll be divorced in 5, 10 years.' But, it will happen to some of us.
tourist Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Posted by nov04LIbride

Posted by tourist
Marriages ARE ended, by people unable or unwilling to adjust, or who made a msitake in the first place.


That's true, but as much as we think we have total and utter control over the situation, we don't. There is another party here. Even if you can swear up and down never to change, or to put up with anything the marriage throws at you, we just don't know now what life will throw at you. One of my good friend's parents lost a child to cancer before she was born. The doctors told them that over 80% of parents who lose children to cancer get divorced--being together just reminds them too much of the sadness. .


I think that situation fall into the 'unable to adjust' category. Not they theye were not well intentioned, but something so devasting happened, that not everyone can cope with & stay married. But accordingto that Dr, 20% are able to do it, so it is not given that if x happens you will get divorced.

I think some people see it that way & do not actively try & stay together. I do understand that not all situations are fixable.


usuk2004 Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Posted by TracyInQueens

On the one hand, it's not something I think about cosciously. But I make sure, every day, to take time to really talk with my husband, even if it's about mundane things. Little things add up. We always used to kiss each other good-night when we were about to go to sleep, and I noticed that we didn't do it as often, so now I make sure to do that every night, even though it's small. I really think those tiny day-to-day intimacies are an important part of staying connected to your husband.


I guess this is what I might be concerned about. Since Sunday, I've gone to bed on my own twice because DH was up watching TV or playing Play Station. It's not like it happens all the time, it just made me think about it - you know, the little things like going to bed together and eating dinner together without the TV on (which we do pretty much all the time now) mean a lot. I don't want us to be 5 years on and thinking you know I don't really have anything in common with this person anymore because we haven't talked to each other since we've gotten married.

But, then again, last night we were invited over to a friends for dinner on Saturday night and DH doesn't want to go because he says we haven't spent a Saturday night on our own together in a few weeks.

I think our living situation also weighs on my mind a bit. We've always said that we'll split our time between living in England and America, but now that I'm here, I'm not sure how much time I want to spend here in the future. We've talked about moving back to NY in 2 years or so, but I don't want to have to come back after that. I just worry about how it's all going to work out.
nov04LIbride Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I hear ya Farah. DH and I always said we would want to have kids eventually, and then last week after seeing particularly bratty kids at the mall, DH said he might like our lifestyle better without kids. Honestly, if he told me 100% that he would never want to have kids, I would probably leave. I don't want kids now, but I know I will one day, and changing his mind about that is a huge deal. I think it was just seeing such ill-behaved kids, so I hold out hope. Moving is the same thing--it's a huge deal to think of only being in the US 1/2 your life from now on. That is a huge compromise. It puts more pressure on the marriage since you are away from your family and friends support system in the U.S...

brideinapril Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

This isn't something I even give a thought to,
I went into this marriage knowing that this was a commitment to spend the rest of my life with this person - good times and bad times, I don't see divorce as an option. There are other ways to work things out - I married him for a reason - because he is wonderful - the man I waited all my life for, the man I have dreamed about since I was a little girl - with all those things in mind, I keep reminding myself of the reasons I married him, when we go through bad times, and everyone does, I don't care how solid your relationship is, we all have spats.
But if you take divorce out of the option category, than your stuck with working things out.
nov04LIbride Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

Hypothetically though, for those who say divorce is not an option, would you leave if he cheated? If he became verbally or physically abusive to you or your children? If he had a severe alcohol/drug/gambling problem and refused to get help? I know it is hard to imagine the men we married in these scenarios, but you hear about it happening all the time. To me saying divorce is never an option is just inviting women to stay in possibly abusive and hurtful relationships, thinking there is no way out. Don't get me wrong, I definitely do not think divorce should be taken lightly a la Britney and Nikki Hilton...
brideinapril Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I'm of the opinion that there has to be some sort of sign that this person is an abusive person, they don't just 'become' abusive. Its there already. This is obviously my opinion and not fact.
However if your in an abusive relationship, that is different, I'm not closed minded - I can only speak of my relationship. My Dh doesn't have an abusive bone in his body.
I don't like to think about the 'what ifs' because to me thats thinking negative and I went into my marriage thinking positively.
Kathy116 Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

It's definately something I've thought about a lot, because of the way I grew up.

My parents are still married after 29 years...however, they should've been divorced!!!!
They fought every day of my life, I was in the middle of so many arguments...it was horrible for me to see that. I remember as early as 4 years old watching my parents fight...and I'm 28...I still watch it, hear it, live it. Thank god I'm not in that house anymore. I love my parents, but the essentially lead separate lives, but live together under the same roof.

I was so scared of marriage, I never want to be in a situation like that...staying together because of 'vows' regardless of how horrible things get. There is a point, when it's destorying the kids and yourself that you must get out. My DH and I talked about this a lot before we got married, and ironically I made him swear that we would not just stay in a marriage if things got that bad.
sophie78 Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I probably would think about it a lot if we never lived together before we were married. But since we did, I already know the relationhip and DH well, that there are no surprises. However, since DH is a divorce lawyer, divorce in the general sense is a frequent topic. But I am not concerned about us.

But that is not to say that I am stupid enough to think I am immune to divorce. I think it is possible, just not something I am concerning myself with.
wood2be Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I do worry, A LOT. DH says, 'If we made it through the planning, we can make it through anything'. He's definately go a point
kpny622 Posted:

Re: Anyone ever wonder how long their marriage will last?

I have to leave the possibility that over time, things change, people change. Of course when you get married everything is wonderful and blissful and perfect - otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married. But then, all you can do is work at it to keep it that way and hope for the best. Right now, I don't ever see my getting divorced.

But I have a friend who was obsessively against divorce and 100% sure that would never happen to her - all through the wedding planning she said she just 'knew' they would never get divorced and that she wouldn't ever consider it. Now, it's many years later and she often says 'if he did this, I'd leave' or 'if this happened, we'd just get divorced,' like it was no big deal!

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