BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

Please bear with me, because I know it sounds ludicrous, but I am going to have a major problem very shortly.

As most of you know, my family cat passed away last Winter. DH was severely, SEVERELY allergic to him. He has still not fully recovered, even though he is no longer exposed to cats, because the years of prolonged exposure must have caused scarring in his nasal passages. He is still on medication, which isn't a steroid, but I'm sure can't be good to be on for so long, and I'm very worried about repercussions that it might have on him long term, and for when we decide to start TTC.

Well, it's been 15 months since Angel passed, and my family has decided to get another kitten. They were thinking about it around the one year anniversary, and DH made it abundantly clear that if they got another cat, that he would not be able to go to their house for holidays. In the past, he dealt with it, because we had the cat before we had him so to speak, but now he feels that if my family gets a cat 'on purpose', knowing he is so allergic, that it's out of spite and a slap in his face. He also does not want me to visit them, to bring the allergens home on me.

I visited today after work, and you can imagine my shock when I walked in to my old bedroom and found a kitty bed and a scratching post. They were going to get a cat today, but the right one didn't pick them yet. They're going to North Shore tomorrow, and most likely will be coming home with a male orange tabby, which they're going to name Monty

I don't know what to do. Part of me is angry and upset with them for 'replacing' Angel, showing a blatant disrespect to DH...but the other part of me knows that it's unreasonable for us to expect that they should have to suffer not having a pet because of DH.

I haven't told him yet. I don't know when I should. I know it will cause major, major problems. Over a silly cat, of all things. I guess I'm just scared. I don't want the conflict, but when he inevitably tells me that I'm not 'allowed' to see my family anymore or that we can't go over for holidays....I don't know what's going to happen. All over a fugging cat.

hmm that is a rough situation...
in one part i wouldnt only be upset cuz they are replacing the cat, but knowing how badly allergic to cat DH is, its like they are not concerned with the fact that you guys will not be able to visit..

did you tell your family about not being able to come around if they get the cat? maybe if they knew how badly the situation is they will reconsider...

but at the same time im sure the loss of the cat was hard on them and not that they are replacing the cat, but it might be like filling a void...make things more the way they use to be when the old cat was around...

i would say maybe talk to them again before they bring the cat home..maybe theere is a chance they can change their minds or at least hold off a bit.

Im so sorry Ali

I know it must be really hard to feel like they are replacing your Angel... but they are probably missing the company of having a cat around so they decided to get another one.

Your DH has been suffering with his allergies for a while and when I get my allergies, it REALLY bothers me. But, you cant really have a say on what your parents have in their house. They are cat people, so they probably missed not having Angel around....so they wanted to get another cat. I know when my DH's dog passed away, for a while they didnt want to feel like they were 'replacing' the dog... but, they are dog people so they eventually wanted to get another dog months later.

Im sorry this is going to cause drama with your DH I hope he understands that its nothing against him at all...its just that your family really loves having cats around.

Does DH go over there a lot or only for holidays?

I understand that your DH is allergic to cats but he cannot expect your family to live their lives trying to accommodate him if he does not live in their house. Severe allergies are terrible- unfortunately my mom is allergic to everything but would never expect any of her family to change the way they choose to live to suit her. As for long term effects of allergy meds I do not think you have anything to worry about but you can look up the data sheet for the meds on the manufacture's website. You are in a bad situation but if you change your clothes and shower after visiting your family there should be no problem with allergens. Allergy shots are always an option- They really helped me with environmental allergen. Sorry you are going through this...

I think your parents did the right thing if they wanted a cat then they should have one.
I am allergic to cats but would never say that I can't visit my IL because of one. My IL have a cat and I suffer for a few hours to have dinner there. Im not sleeping there so I figure a few hours will be ok.

IMO I think your DH should **** it up. He can't control your parents and I think it is rude for him to even say they can't get a cat.

This is definitely not an ideal situation at all, and I'm sorry you're going through this since it does seem like you're exactly in the middle of it all.

I agree with some of the previous posters who say that it isn't fair to order your parents not to get another cat. It has nothing to do with replacing your Angel -- there is a serious void at the loss of a family pet and almost all families usually choose to take in another pet within a few months of the loss to help with their sadness and to feel happiness again. It's never the same, but it's a new relationship with a pet. My father and step-mom lost their beloved cat after only 6 years a few months ago and they are still so sad and lonely. They resolved not to get another cat for personal reasons, but all their friends said they'd want to.

If your DH has such a severe allergy, he probably is still feeling the effects from other sources, such as coworkers with pets or even people on his commute. It sounds like he really needs to see an allergist who can address the problem directly. Shots are a great idea because they actually lessen allergies over time. Especially if you believe this is going to make a difference when you're ready to TTC. It isn't healthy to just live with an allergy as bad as his --- allergies only get worse as one ages. Prolonged exposure to a source of the allergies could actually help them get better over time (they say children pre-disposed to allergies to pets can often overcome those allergies by being exposed as a child!).

I know your DH isn't the most open-minded person (I still remember his baby names list) but when it comes to his health, he should try to consider all possibilities. Cutting himself off from your family is not practical and will only cause distension. I hope he'll consider looking at the big picture.

hmm this is a toughie but im going to have to side with ur parents..i dont think they r 'replacing'angel,and i know how hard it must be to get a new cat but i just think the wanted a new pet

as for dh..yes it ***** for him but u guys dont love there with them and if they want a cat then they should get one..if that means dh does not go over on holidays then ur parenst should understand..but maybe they could work something out..like putting the cats away and vaccumming really good or something

i would look at it like this..if roles were reversed asnd ur dh really wanted a dog but ur mom was allergic..would he still get the dog?

This is a tough one. I can sympathize with DH because I am highly allergic to cats. That being said, my own mother has one. I take an allergy pill before I go over there and s*uck it up for a couple of hours. Is it fun - NOPE! But she got the cat after I moved out - I can't tell her what she can have in her house any more than she can tell me what I can have in my house.

I don't sleep over there and I make sure to wash my hands constantly. It helps.

I guess what upsets me even more is that they really do not care that he won't come over any more, and that I'll have to limit my time coming over as well. My family is very defiant and antagonistic, so they are seeing this almost as a challenge. I've spoken to them many, many times about it, and their answer, when they're being really vicious, is that they'll stab DH in the heart with a syringe filled with cat juice to see what happens, and when they're just being difficult, that they simply don't care.

I know that I can't control them getting a new cat...and the truth is, I'm a little curious to see Monty. They said that it's not fair that DH's family can have a dog and they can't have a cat, and I say that their dog is hypoallergenic, but I'm sure it's not 100% perfect. Dog is second on his list, then dust.

I just don't know when I should tell him. I'm not going to say anything until they definitely have the cat, but it's not going to be a fun discussion. The problem with cat allergens is that it's not the fur that causes it, it's a protein in their saliva. When they lick themselves to wash, the protein is released, and then when the saliva evaporates it becomes a gas in the air...so washing and showering really doesn't cut it. Helps but not a fail safe.

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Posted by MrsCM

Okay, I get that you've sometimes described DH as fussy but I am TOTALLY with him on this. I think it was really inconsiderate of your family to do this without caring how it would impact not only him but you. Since the damage has already been done and I doubt they'd be willing to get rid of it, maybe you could go over to visit without him and just make sure that you shower and change your clothes before coming home.

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ITA

While I totally understand everyone else's posts about your DH not being in charge of your parents and if they want a cat they should get it, it does seem to me like a total slap in his face. This is your husband! This isn't just some random boyfriend and it's like 'oh well he will get over it'. In my opinion, your parents should have considered their SON IN LAW being totally sickly and allergic in their decision. And I dunno maybe they did and just didn't care in which case then they totally cannot get mad that DH doesn't want to go there anymore. JMO for you Ali

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Posted by coldasice217

when they're being really vicious, is that they'll stab DH in the heart with a syringe filled with cat juice to see what happens, and when they're just being difficult, that they simply don't care.

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This made me stand by my previous post. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Ali

It's definitely a tough situation. While I understand his reluctance to go into a house with a cat on a daily basis, I don't think it's realistic for him to expect you not to go their and to outright refuse to go on holidays.

Just out of curiosity, do you have any friends who have cats? What does he do when he visits them or sees them outside their home?

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Posted by AugustBridein09

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Posted by coldasice217

when they're being really vicious, is that they'll stab DH in the heart with a syringe filled with cat juice to see what happens, and when they're just being difficult, that they simply don't care.

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This made me stand by my previous post. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Ali

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well this changes everything...are they doing it to be spiteful or do they want a cat?

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Posted by meg922

It's definitely a tough situation. While I understand his reluctance to go into a house with a cat on a daily basis, I don't think it's realistic for him to expect you not to go their and to outright refuse to go on holidays.

Just out of curiosity, do you have any friends who have cats? What does he do when he visits them or sees them outside their home?

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We don't have any friends who have cats, but his coworker has a ton of cats, and I think a lot of his residual allergies are just from being in the same tiny space with him all day. When they had to go between buildings a few times he would ride in his car to get there, and then he would have really bad flare ups that would last for days. He's stopped driving in his car so it's ok now.

It's not like he even sees my parents that often. We've only decided to spend Thanksgiving, Xmas Eve, and Catholic Easter only in years Greek doesn't fall on the same day, and MAYBE a birthday or summer bbq here and there. Like, if he sees them now 5-6 times a year that will be a lot. So to flat out refuse is ridiculous, it's not like when he was in my house 2 times a week for 4 years straight being exposed. But I'm definitely between a rock and a hard place and it blows!

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Posted by gina409

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Posted by AugustBridein09

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Posted by coldasice217

when they're being really vicious, is that they'll stab DH in the heart with a syringe filled with cat juice to see what happens, and when they're just being difficult, that they simply don't care.

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This made me stand by my previous post. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Ali

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well this changes everything...are they doing it to be spiteful or do they want a cat?

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It's really hard to discern...I think that they DO want a cat, but that they have a lot of resentment for DH daring to think that he can dictate that decision, and feel that why should they not be allowed to have a pet when his family can. They like to yank my chain to work me up by saying extreme things like that, and it obviously works because I get very upset.

They're just very weird sometimes and it's messed me up and given me my own eff you I'll do what I want entitled attitude, and it's so hard to go through life with a chip on your shoulder, and I'm really trying to work through that but it's really hard when you're just a product of that mindset growing up

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Posted by alli3131

I think your parents did the right thing if they wanted a cat then they should have one.
I am allergic to cats but would never say that I can't visit my IL because of one. My IL have a cat and I suffer for a few hours to have dinner there. Im not sleeping there so I figure a few hours will be ok.

IMO I think your DH should **** it up. He can't control your parents and I think it is rude for him to even say they can't get a cat.

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ITA with this and I absolutely think it is ridiculous for him to say that you cannot go over to your parents house.

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Posted by coldasice217

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Posted by gina409

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Posted by AugustBridein09

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Posted by coldasice217

when they're being really vicious, is that they'll stab DH in the heart with a syringe filled with cat juice to see what happens, and when they're just being difficult, that they simply don't care.

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This made me stand by my previous post. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Ali

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well this changes everything...are they doing it to be spiteful or do they want a cat?

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It's really hard to discern...I think that they DO want a cat, but that they have a lot of resentment for DH daring to think that he can dictate that decision, and feel that why should they not be allowed to have a pet when his family can. They like to yank my chain to work me up by saying extreme things like that, and it obviously works because I get very upset.

They're just very weird sometimes and it's messed me up and given me my own eff you I'll do what I want entitled attitude, and it's so hard to go through life with a chip on your shoulder, and I'm really trying to work through that but it's really hard when you're just a product of that mindset growing up

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I have to agree with your parents on their resentment for DH thinking they can dictate what goes on in their home.

I do think your parents might be extreme in their choice of words but I would feel the same way if I were them....

You and DH have your own 'home' now and your parents do not have to ask permission