BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

Original post by coldasice217

May 18, 2010 08:41 PM

Please bear with me, because I know it sounds ludicrous, but I am going to have a major problem very shortly.

As most of you know, my family cat passed away last Winter. DH was severely, SEVERELY allergic to him. He has still not fully recovered, even though he is no longer exposed to cats, because the years of prolonged exposure must have caused scarring in his nasal passages. He is still on medication, which isn't a steroid, but I'm sure can't be good to be on for so long, and I'm very worried about repercussions that it might have on him long term, and for when we decide to start TTC.

Well, it's been 15 months since Angel passed, and my family has decided to get another kitten. They were thinking about it around the one year anniversary, and DH made it abundantly clear that if they got another cat, that he would not be able to go to their house for holidays. In the past, he dealt with it, because we had the cat before we had him so to speak, but now he feels that if my family gets a cat 'on purpose', knowing he is so allergic, that it's out of spite and a slap in his face. He also does not want me to visit them, to bring the allergens home on me.

I visited today after work, and you can imagine my shock when I walked in to my old bedroom and found a kitty bed and a scratching post. They were going to get a cat today, but the right one didn't pick them yet. They're going to North Shore tomorrow, and most likely will be coming home with a male orange tabby, which they're going to name Monty

I don't know what to do. Part of me is angry and upset with them for 'replacing' Angel, showing a blatant disrespect to DH...but the other part of me knows that it's unreasonable for us to expect that they should have to suffer not having a pet because of DH.

I haven't told him yet. I don't know when I should. I know it will cause major, major problems. Over a silly cat, of all things. I guess I'm just scared. I don't want the conflict, but when he inevitably tells me that I'm not 'allowed' to see my family anymore or that we can't go over for holidays....I don't know what's going to happen. All over a fugging cat.

gina409 Posted: May 19, 2010 01:08 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

switch the roles for a sec...if t was you and dh'sparents got a cat would u say to him..we cant go over there?or would u say well ur parents cant get a cat?

coldasice217 Posted: May 19, 2010 01:11 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

Posted by gina409

switch the roles for a sec...if t was you and dh'sparents got a cat would u say to him..we cant go over there?or would u say well ur parents cant get a cat?

I really don't believe that I would...but I also have no idea the true level of suffering he goes through during his attacks. I am miserable with a cold, and can't imagine feeling that way 365 days a year. But I really can't see myself ever forbidding DH from going to his parents or refusing to spend 3 hours there.

gina409 Posted: May 19, 2010 01:17 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

Posted by coldasice217

Posted by gina409

switch the roles for a sec...if t was you and dh'sparents got a cat would u say to him..we cant go over there?or would u say well ur parents cant get a cat?

I really don't believe that I would...but I also have no idea the true level of suffering he goes through during his attacks. I am miserable with a cold, and can't imagine feeling that way 365 days a year. But I really can't see myself ever forbidding DH from going to his parents or refusing to spend 3 hours there.

so i say..u say to dh..im sorry that u r going to get sick..it must be bad for u etc etc but these r my parenst and i will go see them and i understand if u dont come and u should say to ur parenst..its ur home i understand u got a new cat but u have to understand why dh cant come over

GT143EA Posted: May 19, 2010 01:21 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

Posted by gina409

hmm this is a toughie but im going to have to side with ur parents..i dont think they r 'replacing'angel,and i know how hard it must be to get a new cat but i just think the wanted a new pet

as for dh..yes it ***** for him but u guys dont love there with them and if they want a cat then they should get one..if that means dh does not go over on holidays then ur parenst should understand..but maybe they could work something out..like putting the cats away and vaccumming really good or something

i would look at it like this..if roles were reversed asnd ur dh really wanted a dog but ur mom was allergic..would he still get the dog?

ITA!

coldasice217 Posted: May 19, 2010 01:25 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

Posted by gina409

Posted by coldasice217

Posted by gina409

switch the roles for a sec...if t was you and dh'sparents got a cat would u say to him..we cant go over there?or would u say well ur parents cant get a cat?

I really don't believe that I would...but I also have no idea the true level of suffering he goes through during his attacks. I am miserable with a cold, and can't imagine feeling that way 365 days a year. But I really can't see myself ever forbidding DH from going to his parents or refusing to spend 3 hours there.

so i say..u say to dh..im sorry that u r going to get sick..it must be bad for u etc etc but these r my parenst and i will go see them and i understand if u dont come and u should say to ur parenst..its ur home i understand u got a new cat but u have to understand why dh cant come over

Thanks...I know this is the only diplomatic way to handle it. I just feel sad that I'll have to live my life in 10-15 year increments. And I know if I forbid him to see his family ever, he wouldn't listen to me either. Silly cat. My sister is trying to text me pictures right now but it's not working, so I think they actually picked him up now.

I do miss cuddling a cat, but I don't want to feel guilty about doing it either. One of the biggest things I hate about myself for the last year of Angel's life, when the allergies seemed to get their worst, is that I tried not to touch him as much for DH's sake, and I regret that all the time that I wasn't more affectionate to him in his final days

jme78 Posted: May 19, 2010 01:41 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

I am very, very allergic to cats.

My FILs have 2, and I am very uncomfortable when I am there, but I take some medicine and s**k it up for my husband. They live in CT and I have spent the night there (they do keep one room entirely cat-free, for my sake), but its still not pleasant.

Your DH should just s**k it up as well. Its just a few hours on holidays, and summertime, perhaps you can do the celebrating outside.

Marriage is a lot about compromise, and from the same situation, its more important for my husband to spend time with his family than it is for me to feel 100% awesome all the time.

coldasice217 Posted: May 19, 2010 03:44 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem

Well....they got it. Not the one they were going to, turned out that one was bat shiz crazy, but this one 'picked' them.

They're thinking of naming him Apolo (as in Ohno haha, on account of the soul patch), and they are swearing up and down it's Angel's soul because as soon as he came in to the house, instead of freaking out like a new pet might do, sauntered in like he knew where everything was, and immediately went in to all Angel's old spots, like going back home. Weird.

I guess DH is going to find out now that my sis posted it all over FB!

alli3131 Posted: May 19, 2010 03:49 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

I love the name appollo for him.....hes adorable.

I think your DH needs to be an adult and realize he will have to be uncomfortable for a few days out of the year. Its your family and he should be able to do that for you.

GL!!!

Summertimegal424 Posted: May 19, 2010 04:12 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

OMG sooo adorable!

nraboni Posted: May 19, 2010 04:14 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

awww.....sooo cute!!

gina409 Posted: May 19, 2010 04:36 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

soooooo cute and i loooooove the name

ikcin98 Posted: May 19, 2010 04:51 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

My ILs recently got a dog and my DH is highly allergic. We have a hypoallergenic dog and he's 100% fine with our dog. We tried and tried to convince them to get a hypoallergenic dog, but his mom had to have a lab. It doesn't sound like he's as allergic as your DH, but he does have a bad reaction that can last for a few days when we go over. It makes it very difficult for us to visit them and he did view it as a slap in the face. My other big thing, and one you have to think of too, what if our kids are allergic too?? I thinik they might think differently then because I will never bring my child into the house if he/she is allergic. It's a tough situation. GL

allegracristina Posted: May 19, 2010 05:51 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

Omggggg sooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, every single ginger tabby (all male by genetics) I've ever met are all bat shiz!!!! We had one!!!

LOVE THIS LITTLE GUY THOUGH!!!

LadyDuda81509 Posted: May 19, 2010 05:54 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

awww poor DH, but umm that cat is aaaadoorraaableee!!

MrsCM Posted: May 19, 2010 06:00 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

I already spoke my two cents but I just feel like DH became part of your family and if it's THAT severe they should care about his well being. It's not as if he demanded that they get rid of the former cat. I don't get it.

KerriJohnS Posted: May 19, 2010 06:55 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

EEEk!!

Cute cat!! I'm such a cat person.

technically my cats are supposed to be hypoallergenic... but they aren't for all people. So even getting a hypoallergenic animal might not necessarily work.

The ONLY solution I can think of at this point is... baths! for the cat. Is it possible to get the cat groomed (bath groomed) before DH comes over. I mean it's not that many times a year. My cats get groomed all the time because they are long haired and white! so they NEED it!!! You mentioned that part of the problem was saliva so giving them a bath would eliminate at least SOME of the allergen.

I also have to say I agree with your parents to an extent. Though I don't think teasing and taunting you about it is very mature of them. I can TOTALLY see why your parents were upset about him trying to dictate what they do and buy in their home. NO ONE would appreciate that.
Actually quick story on the same topic.... I wanted to go swimming with dolphins on my HM. John's mom thought it was too expensive .... so as a joke she bought me this huge blow up dolphin and gave it to John. She said... this is the closest you and Kerri will get to a dolphin (something like that). It was more as a joke and somewhat funny. But guess what I did!! Even moreso then before! I swam with those dolphins!!!! it's your typical story of deny, restrict, or forbid someone to do something... and they will do it for sure!!!

I do understand him being allergic and not wanting to go there due to that... but I'm curious about these BBQ's. Are they outdoors? If so, what's the problem with that?
I don't see why he can't take a pill and **** it up for a few hours 5 times a year. And I also agree that it's ridiculous that he 'forbid' you to go there. That's just pushing it way too far. If he is so upset over it then let him sit home when you go to your parents house.

I think you are really in the middle of a set of extremists! DH on one end of the spectrum and your parents on the other.

Sorry for all the stress this must cause you.

Also, he dealt with your cat being there and still went to your house anyway for all those years. So as severe as his allergy of cats might be... it can't be THAT bad if he was able to be around it for that long. I believe he can be around the cat for a few hours a few times a year.

This seems a lot more like a control issue to me.

chicky724 Posted: May 19, 2010 10:15 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

Awww he is SO cute! And I love the Apollo name!

dazies1011 Posted: May 19, 2010 10:26 PM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

Posted by gina409

Posted by coldasice217

Posted by gina409

so i say..u say to dh..im sorry that u r going to get sick..it must be bad for u etc etc but these r my parenst and i will go see them and i understand if u dont come and u should say to ur parenst..its ur home i understand u got a new cat but u have to understand why dh cant come over
ITA

coldasice217 Posted: May 20, 2010 09:43 AM

Re: BAH I have a problem- Update with Pics

His name might be Loki now (after the Norse god of mischief), because he's so playful...or Figaro because he looks like the cat in Pinnochio. Or they might decide on Apolo after all, or even Bailey (he was born on St. Patrick's day )

I told DH last night, very nonchalantly. When he comes home from work the first thing he does is go on the computer to check FB and his message boards, so I just said 'Before you see it plastered all over FB, my parents got a cat.' He said 'I guess they don't want me coming over there then.' But he said it with a smile so he didn't seem too upset. I just told him that he goes over there now maybe 4-5 times a year if that and it wouldn't be that bad, and got a we'll see response. Bah. Went better than I expected, so we'll see what happens when we go there.