Before the ring....

Okay so lets discuss something...On the engaging ideas board girls are talking about how they were pressuring FH/DH for the ring and girls shouldnt do this it only makes guys take longer.....

Personally (I was gonna write this but didnt want to sound mean) I disagree...I never pressured DH, we were young when we got engaged and I guess I didnt get to the point where I felt...'why isnt he proposing' BUT I feel like if I did and he 'made me wait years' as some girls said I would really be pissed

My view is...if you love someone you give them what will make them happy, if that is a proposal you do it....I mean maybe Im in the minority but I feel like a guy saying 'If you keep pressuring me I'll wait longer' is like ***! If DH ever said this I'd be like 'oh yeah......' I dunno....

I kind of think it's bad advice to sit and wait...what if your wasting your time and he DOESN'T want what you want?

Thoughts.....

I was in a similar situation from you-we were so young when you got engaged. We got engaged in college but I never intended to get married until we were both finished with school. I was thinking a lot right before we got engaged. I felt a little bit like we were kinda in limbo. I was really relieved and so happy when he proposed.

My best friend actually just got engaged. She's been waiting for years I feel like. It's something they would actually fight about a lot because they had been dating for 4 years and she wanted to know that it was coming. It was really hard because she was so worried that she was going to be like 'it's about time' when he asked her. I told her that the second it happens you won't remember any of that and that's what happened. She said it was so weird how none of that even mattered.

I understand girls getting frustrated by a man who won't commit, but I think it's wrong to 'pressure' him into it. If he's only proposing to make you happy, the marriage is doomed to fail. When DH proposed to me, we had only been dating about a year, so I was in no way feeling like 'Marry me already!!' but because we were in a long distance relationship and the separation was so hard, I DID ask him Where our relationship was going. I needed to know if he had real intentions for our future. Otherwise all that we were going thru was such a waste of my time if it was never meant to go anywhere. When I asked him that, it was about 4 months before he actually proposed.

I don't think a man would necessarily wait LONGER just because he's feeling pressured, but i do feel as though it might turn him off completely from the idea - especially if the two are already living together, as though they ARE married. Then why deal with the hassle of a wedding? That's at least what I hear from some guys around here. It's just not as important to some men as it is to women.

BUT it can work the other way. When DH told his best buddy that he was going to ask my hand in marriage, his friend's girlfriend (the one he'd been dating for 8 years and living with for 5) got sooo upset and began to give him sooo much crap about why HE hasn't thought to propose when DH & I have only been dating a year . Finally they compromised.. He buys her a ring, and she buys him a new big screen tv Their wedding is in October.

So really, it depends on the guy. It can go either way. But personally I feel that girls are foolish who try to pressure their men into marrying them. If he wants to marry you, he'll ask. Simple as that. Hope that at least SOMEWHAT answers your question. lol.

i feel like maybe im not completely understanding you were saying are you saying that if he makes you wait then he isnt giving you what you want and that girls shouldnt sit and wait?

DH and I were together 7 1/2 years before getting engaged. we had a 2 year engagement and now we are married 6 months and will be together 10 years this month.

Everyone has a reason for waiting. and Yes i was very anxious to get engaged and begin our lives together and yes i would talk to him about this all the time... and he kept waiting... but there were reasons for waiting.. just because he keeps you waiting for the ring, doesnt mean that he doesnt want what you want and that you shouldnt wait for him.

DH and I started dating when we were 19, we were in the beginning of college and DH was going for his doctorate. Dh also wanted to make sure he had the money to purchase me a ring and that he would have a secure job and would be able to take care of US. yes i still really wanted to get engaged... but I understood and waited because I love him and because I knew he would do everything he could for me. I also really thank DH for making us wait because we grew up, we saved, we realized that being married do each other was what we really wanted. We didnt just jump into it.

Now.. i dont like the idea either of a guy SAYING that he will make you wait if you keep pressuring me... thats a joke. I also do believe that there is a point where it can be ridiculous and you have to really look at your relationship and ask yourself if you are wasting your time.

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Posted by jgl




Now.. i dont like the idea either of a guy SAYING that he will make you wait if you keep pressuring me... thats a joke. I also do believe that there is a point where it can be ridiculous and you have to really look at your relationship and ask yourself if you are wasting your time.

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I think this is the part I was getting at. What I meant was every girl knows their relationship...you knew why the engagement wasn't coming..he was in school, wanted a secure job...these are level headed reasons for waiting. I guess what I meant was if you are both in the place where you are set and secure and he is making those comments I would be annoyed....I was kind of just thinking out loud.....

I get what youre saying, after i read your last post. I think you mean IF the couple have been together a long time, maybe even more so if they are not very young, both have secured jobs and there are no financial reasons not to, THEN if the guy still doesnt seem like he has any intention to ask anytime soon, the girl should think about what she wants. In a situation like that i can understand having a conversation about it, not pressuring though but both talking about it to see where both their heads are at and if they have the same goals.

But with this its so hard to say bc there are so many scenarios so really on an individual basis. Sometimes its like you said, they are still in school or one of them is and in this case if he doesnt want to I can understand him. Yes ppl get married while one is in school or both but everybody is different and some would rather finish with it before they get married and spend so much time planning a wedding, we all know how time consuming it can get. Some want to have money saved beforehand before even popping the question. Hate to say it but i think guys think about this more than alot of ladies. Some ladies will focus more on just getting married already and will just figure out finances for it after he pops the question. Now many of us on here can say this is what we did, not like i had money saved for my wedding ahead of time, it all came after the proposal. But some guys are different and they worry about these things more and some guys would just prefer to be very financially secure and have money saved before planning for a wedding, i didnt do it this way but hey its a smart decision lol.

I dont know but in general i am against pressuring someone to marry you. However, I dont think there is anything wrong with talking about it with your bf/gf, seeing if you both feel that one day you want to marry eachother and other aspects about your future together. I dont think a guy would say to a girl either that if she keeps asking he'll take longer, i think its something he'll think but keep that thought to himself.

To go with your scenario, i think maybe a girl should think about where their relationship is heading if lets say they have been together for a very long time, there was no real reason to wait AND when bringing up the idea of marriage he never wants to talk about it, says hes not sure if he wants to marry you or ever get married. If the guy seems like its just not something he wants anytime in the near future but its what she wants then the scenario can be different and they have to figure out if they are on the same bath and view the relationship the same. If this is the case, i think its best they work out any issues instead of pressuring him.

i dont know thought its probably a hard situation when youre together a very long time and waiting for it i guess. I mean i had an ex that i was with for a very long time, but i never thought about when is he going to propose or even really thought about it lol. I guess cause even though we were together for long i felt i was still young and i didnt want to get married anytime soon at that time. I never looked through wedding things or even paid attention to e-rings or any of that lol. Then with DH i didnt have this situation either bc we didnt have a long relationship before he proposed so i never wondered when he would do it lol. BUT i know someone who is going through something like this, and i know it must be hard and feel for her but thats bc i know their whole story and what she goes through

honestly I really think it depends on the situation and the people. I don't think you should NAG to get engaged...I always say the same thing to the girls that do this & haven't been with their man very long...'Why would want to marry someone that u have to beg to marry you???'. and besides that, I just think both individuals need to be on the same page..it's something to TALK about - not fight about. Aside from having children, it's the biggest choice, and biggest commitment you are probably ever going to make in your life and it's for a lifetime(or atleast it should be). I knew i didn't want to be engaged before my man was ready too...i wanted him to WANT to be engaged..i wanted us both to KNOW we wanted it...especially with guys that are nervous over this - it's not that they don't love you, it's just that it's forever & they don't want to screw it up...and to add to that pressure adds to more pressure. When u nag, now not only do they have the anxiousness of proposing, but they have the anxiety of pleasing you, your terms, etc. It's their thing..let them do it I have one friend that was OBSESSED with getting engaged with every boyfriend she ever had...it was incredibly annoying and if i were her b/f i would've ran for the hills(like most did) lol.

Now that being said, I have another friend who was patiently with someone for 9years..mind u they met when she was fairly young, but 9years none-the-less. once she finished school, he was well into his 30's & their 9 was turning into 10, she basically said 'look...i want to get married, and you apparently want to get married. so i'm booking a hall - & if we're not engaged by the end of summer - i'm starting a new life'...She didn't plague him for the 9years they were dating..they didn't live together at all..she was just saying after all that time, she wasn't wasting another 10. extreme? maybe - but THIS i honestly understood. lol.

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Posted by jtgarsik

honestly I really think it depends on the situation and the people. I don't think you should NAG to get engaged...I always say the same thing to the girls that do this & haven't been with their man very long...'Why would want to marry someone that u have to beg to marry you???'. and besides that, I just think both individuals need to be on the same page..it's something to TALK about - not fight about. Aside from having children, it's the biggest choice, and biggest commitment you are probably ever going to make in your life and it's for a lifetime(or atleast it should be). I knew i didn't want to be engaged before my man was ready too...i wanted him to WANT to be engaged..i wanted us both to KNOW we wanted it...especially with guys that are nervous over this - it's not that they don't love you, it's just that it's forever & they don't want to screw it up...and to add to that pressure adds to more pressure. When u nag, now not only do they have the anxiousness of proposing, but they have the anxiety of pleasing you, your terms, etc. It's their thing..let them do it I have one friend that was OBSESSED with getting engaged with every boyfriend she ever had...it was incredibly annoying and if i were her b/f i would've ran for the hills(like most did) lol.

Now that being said, I have another friend who was patiently with someone for 9years..mind u they met when she was fairly young, but 9years none-the-less. once she finished school, he was well into his 30's & their 9 was turning into 10, she basically said 'look...i want to get married, and you apparently want to get married. so i'm booking a hall - & if we're not engaged by the end of summer - i'm starting a new life'...She didn't plague him for the 9years they were dating..they didn't live together at all..she was just saying after all that time, she wasn't wasting another 10. extreme? maybe - but THIS i honestly understood. lol.

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Taryn - did they get married???? You can't leave us hanging like that!!!

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Posted by jtgarsik

honestly I really think it depends on the situation and the people. I don't think you should NAG to get engaged...I always say the same thing to the girls that do this & haven't been with their man very long...'Why would want to marry someone that u have to beg to marry you???'. and besides that, I just think both individuals need to be on the same page..it's something to TALK about - not fight about. Aside from having children, it's the biggest choice, and biggest commitment you are probably ever going to make in your life and it's for a lifetime(or atleast it should be). I knew i didn't want to be engaged before my man was ready too...i wanted him to WANT to be engaged..i wanted us both to KNOW we wanted it...especially with guys that are nervous over this - it's not that they don't love you, it's just that it's forever & they don't want to screw it up...and to add to that pressure adds to more pressure. When u nag, now not only do they have the anxiousness of proposing, but they have the anxiety of pleasing you, your terms, etc. It's their thing..let them do it I have one friend that was OBSESSED with getting engaged with every boyfriend she ever had...it was incredibly annoying and if i were her b/f i would've ran for the hills(like most did) lol.

Now that being said, I have another friend who was patiently with someone for 9years..mind u they met when she was fairly young, but 9years none-the-less. once she finished school, he was well into his 30's & their 9 was turning into 10, she basically said 'look...i want to get married, and you apparently want to get married. so i'm booking a hall - & if we're not engaged by the end of summer - i'm starting a new life'...She didn't plague him for the 9years they were dating..they didn't live together at all..she was just saying after all that time, she wasn't wasting another 10. extreme? maybe - but THIS i honestly understood. lol.

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i think you brought up the best point. I always think the same thing, and i think you should want the guy to REALLY WANT to get married. When he asks you, you want to be so excited that this is something he really wants in his life, planned it out and just as excited as you.

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Posted by JBoothIn2008

Taryn - did they get married???? You can't leave us hanging like that!!!

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i am SO sorry! didn't even realize i did that! lol. yes - they did..they're married 5years now - and actually just found out they are preggo! ..and as far as i know - happy

as for the other chick - she got her way too..found a guy to marry her...they are okay for the most part, but he does every little thing she says & i think will grow tired of it after a while. She's also preggo now...they got preggers right away because 'if she had her way she'd have been married a year ago & already on baby number 2'


Cassandra - do you KNOW who i'm talking about??!

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Posted by Espo22

i think you brought up the best point. I always think the same thing, and i think you should want the guy to REALLY WANT to get married. When he asks you, you want to be so excited that this is something he really wants in his life, planned it out and just as excited as you.

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EXACTLY. you want them to CHOOSE to spend the rest of their life with you...that is an amazing honor! like i mentioned in my earlier post - i do think situations are different and there are exceptions, but for me - majority rules in this case. lol.

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Posted by jtgarsik

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Posted by Espo22

i think you brought up the best point. I always think the same thing, and i think you should want the guy to REALLY WANT to get married. When he asks you, you want to be so excited that this is something he really wants in his life, planned it out and just as excited as you.

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EXACTLY. you want them to CHOOSE to spend the rest of their life with you...that is an amazing honor! like i mentioned in my earlier post - i do think situations are different and there are exceptions, but for me - majority rules in this case. lol.

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ITA with you girls.

I think it totally depends on the relationship. For couples that have not been together that long and to get engaged I always get a little worried. Do they know each other enough to commit to spend the rest of their lives together. I have seen many work and many fail. I think for someone to pressure someone to get married after not being together that long is not a good idea, like I mentioned before get to know each other first. The first year is amazing in any new relationship but can your relationship survive the hard times?
If a couple has been together for a while, especially if they are living together then I do think that this is a conversation that should take place. I have seen a lot of men get comfortable once they live with someone and thing why get married we act like we're married anyway. To me these women have a right to know if their partner is on the same page when it comes to commitment as they are. I know that I wouldnt want to be in a relationship 7 years to find out that my partner does not want to 'officially' commit. With or without the ring I think what most women look for is the reassurance of a commitment.
Lets face it some guys might get frustrated with 'the pressure' but others might need that extra push. Every relationship is different and I say do what works best for you.

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Posted by RadiantBride

I think it totally depends on the relationship. For couples that have not been together that long and to get engaged I always get a little worried. Do they know each other enough to commit to spend the rest of their lives together. I have seen many work and many fail. I think for someone to pressure someone to get married after not being together that long is not a good idea, like I mentioned before get to know each other first. The first year is amazing in any new relationship but can your relationship survive the hard times?
If a couple has been together for a while, especially if they are living together then I do think that this is a conversation that should take place. I have seen a lot of men get comfortable once they live with someone and thing why get married we act like we're married anyway. To me these women have a right to know if their partner is on the same page when it comes to commitment as they are. I know that I wouldnt want to be in a relationship 7 years to find out that my partner does not want to 'officially' commit. With or without the ring I think what most women look for is the reassurance of a commitment.
Lets face it some guys might get frustrated with 'the pressure' but others might need that extra push. Every relationship is different and I say do what works best for you.

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well said

i dont think you should nag or ask or beg - to me that is ridiculous - or say, lets go look at rings when you didnt even talk about marriage seriously yet - you know - like hinting to the guy - i've seen people do these sort of things and i think its tacky.....

i think that if you are in love and commited to someone at some point you will feel ready to take things further - i think that is a point that both parties have to come to on their own without being cohersed or pressured.....

i think that getting engaged is something you should talk about - not pressure or hint at......if you are in a serious relationship and you are in love then i think its totally normal to talk about maybe moving in together, and marriage, and future children (if you want them/dont want them), etc. - i think its normal and totally healthy to be discussing your future together - there is big difference between that and hinting and pressuring.....

my DH and i talked about getting married after we moved into our second apartment together - we would say oh maybe in a few years would be a good time - no rush at all b/c we were both young....and then when it would come up we would both start coming to the conclusion that the only thing in our way was the money and if we could save up for a wedding there was really no reason to wait any longer to do it - i don't know why but we both felt ready to take that next step - it was kind of like why wait - we are in love - we want to get on with our life - and we decided we could get married first and then save up again and buy a house - for us that was the way we wanted to do things.....so after a few conversations like that we both kind of knew where we were at.....with that said i dont think proposals should ever be a 'shock' to girl - like if DH just proposed out of nowhere without us talking about marriage first and our plans for the future (what kind of wedding, what year we would get married, how much we wanted to spend and how we could save, when we wanted to buy a home and of course MOST importantly if we were BOTH ready and this is what we BOTH wanted) then im not sure that i could say yes.....i think proposals out of left field are kind of crazy - that is JMO though - i dont think it would be responsible to just propose marriage to someone without ever having any serious talks about marriage....but anyway, that doesn't mean i don't think it shouldn't be a 'surprise' my proposal was still a really big surprise, i had no idea he even got a ring, orwhat the ring looked liked - and i had no idea he was doing it that day, week, even month! of course i knew that eventually sometime soon (like that year) he was going to propose b/c its all we ever talked about how excited we were to get married and how he couldn't wait to surprise me with a proposal and a ring and by that time we had so many talks about our future together.....

i dont know, i teased DH and joked with him AFTER we talked about getting married - we both teased eachother - i say DH tortured me actually b/c he would always bring it up - rings - diamonds - proposing so being silly and talking about it b/c you are excited is different than pressure - and getting upset when it doesnt happen b/c you thought it would happen and you got your hopes up and then you guilt the guy so he hurries up with it.....KWIM? i dont know - those kinds of tactics are just tacky i feel like if you have to pressure someone to want to marry you then there is a problem - ok yeah, maybe get the ball rolling by having those conversations about your future together - but dragging a guy to the jewelry store or giving him an ultimatum is just crazy to me

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Posted by jtgarsik

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Posted by Espo22

i think you brought up the best point. I always think the same thing, and i think you should want the guy to REALLY WANT to get married. When he asks you, you want to be so excited that this is something he really wants in his life, planned it out and just as excited as you.

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EXACTLY. you want them to CHOOSE to spend the rest of their life with you...that is an amazing honor! like i mentioned in my earlier post - i do think situations are different and there are exceptions, but for me - majority rules in this case. lol.

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it so funny b/c DH and i wrote our vows to eachother and in my vows i said to him 'i am honored to be your wife' meaning that he asked me, he wants me, and i am SO honored that i am the girl he wants.....so i totally agree with that.....omg DH was so excited when we got engaged maybe more excited than me b/c i couldn't wipe the look of shock off my face hahahaha - but he was really into it - the ring shopping and planning the proposal......i couldnt imagine forcing him to do all those things.....

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Posted by jtgarsik

as for the other chick - she got her way too..found a guy to marry her...they are okay for the most part, but he does every little thing she says & i think will grow tired of it after a while. She's also preggo now...they got preggers right away because 'if she had her way she'd have been married a year ago & already on baby number 2'


Cassandra - do you KNOW who i'm talking about??!

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Yesssss! I know EXACTLY who you are referring to. lol. That marriage does frighten me a bit. A man shouldn't ever be 'pressured' into marrying a girl (and it was pretty clear to me that this was not what he wanted). That makes me nervous. But i don't feel bad for him at all. He knew what he was getting himself into and he should learn to stand up for himself