Could use a little support! :-)

So I am sure many of you will completely understand where I am coming from with this while others will think I am nuts. If you think I am nuts, that is ok, but please be kind as it this is something that is really troubling me! Thanks!

I am really having a hard time with weight/food/body image issues as of late. These issues are ones that I am no stranger to. To give a bit of background, for as long as I can remember I have always had image issues with food and very 'disordered eating.' In late high school/college I suffered from a combination of anorexia/exercise bulimia. I was super thin without periods and generally unhealthy for a long time. I met DH and my doctors put me on BC pills to help with the periods and I immediately gained weight (which was a very good thing.) Unfortunately, I gained too much weight for my build and it made me so sad. I joined Weight Watchers and lost a good chunk of the weight but still was unhappy. I tried trainers both online and real life (lol) and lost weight but was still disappointed.

For our wedding I decided that I was going to be the weight and have the look I wanted as these pictures would be forever and I know I would be devastated if i looked at myself and felt heavy. I found a nutritionist through a friend who is a fitness competitor and I started working with him. I worked really hard and managed to lose all the weight i wanted and felt perfect for our day. Here is the thing though. I still work with this Dr. and he has been advising me since the wedding to increase my food and weight. I was so reluctant to do it because I didn't want to 'get fat' again but I know he is right and that I hvae to do what is healthy for my body. I have probably put on maybe 2 pounds since the wedding which my Dr. has assured me is not body fat but just extra store carbohydrates, water weight and even muscle since now I am training extra hard, but I can't help but feel terrible. I weigh myself every day and have this massive amount of anxiety about what the scale will say or will my pants feel tighter than last time I wore them. I was so happy with the way I looked/felt at our wedding and I don't want to lose that but I know i have to be healthy. I just wish I didn't worry about these things. I thought I was past this but I guess not. I feel myself obsessing again and I am not sure what to do to stop. Luckily i have DH and a doctor making me do the healthy thing even though I want to 'diet' again to be back to my wedding day weight.

I don't know what I am asking for, I guess I just needed to write this all out and maybe hear some other stories. I know it is a very sensitive and personal topic and it took me a while to verbalize or feel brave enough to post this and I hope you understand where I am coming from.

i totally understand everything you are saying! I have a ton of issues with food and my weight! growing up i was always skinny, hs i guess i was average, and then college i gained a freshman 30 instead of the freshman 15 most put on! I hated that everyone else around me never had an issue with food and could eat whatever they want and still look good. I hated the way i looked in pictures, hated how i felt, and hated how things fit! prob around my senior year of college i started BC, i heard that it makes you gain weight and increases your appetite, so i was really nervous! i knew i didnt have a problem gaining weight myself i didnt need something adding to that. so thats when i really started watching what i eat lost a few, but i was not where i wanted to be. a year after DH and I started dating weight went back up! you are happy, in love, eating out, hes cooking for me! it was horrible. We planned a vacation and i had the motivation to lose weight! and i did! I lost just about 30 lbs! and ive pretty much maintained the weight thruought our relationship, up a few, then down a few, up again, then down a few. I was never at my true goal weight tho

Well we got engaged and i swore to myself i was going to reach my goal!! which was 115 (im 5'3') and i did it! I cant say i was the most healthy way about it, yeah i ate better, and yeah i worked out but for the last few weeks when i wasnt quite at my goal i pretty much started starving myself, not completly but pretty close! and of course its been 3 months and ive gained like 10lbs!!!

I have such a problem with extremes, im either Really good (too good prob where i cut out everything) or Really bad!! I really hate always having to try! why cant i just eat what i want and not gain a million pounds!

You are not alone with body issues and stuff! but i think its really great you are doing it the healthy way! listen to you Dr. he knows what he is talking about! and besides! you look AWESOME!!!!!!!




hugs!!!

Lauren I don't know much about this but I'm really sorry to see you struggling with it.
I think you are a gorgeous woman... inside and out! I look at your pics and I always think you look so teeny tiny! So I don't think that you need to loose more. I think gaining a few is totally fine... I know you lost the weight the correct way with a nutritionist which is great but please listen to them... I'm sure they wouldn't make you gain a few if they didn't think it was the right thing for your body.

Lauren, I deal with eating disorders everyday with a family member and close friends. Unfortunately I think it is something that never goes away. And while working with a nutritionist is a good thing you might also need to speak to a counslor to deal with the obsessive side of the behavior. Over exercising is just taking the place of another obsessive behavior. I also know that if other parts of your life might not be as good as you want them the eating disorder will rear its ugly head.

I also think that many of us got ourselves in crazy shape for the wedding and are gaining weight back but in reality its the weight we were always at.

Im here if you need anything or I can help in anyway.

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Posted by alli3131

Lauren, I deal with eating disorders everyday with a family member and close friends. Unfortunately I think it is something that never goes away. And while working with a nutritionist is a good thing you might also need to speak to a counslor to deal with the obsessive side of the behavior. Over exercising is just taking the place of another obsessive behavior. I also know that if other parts of your life might not be as good as you want them the eating disorder will rear its ugly head.

I also think that many of us got ourselves in crazy shape for the wedding and are gaining weight back but in reality its the weight we were always at.

Im here if you need anything or I can help in anyway.

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Took the words right out of my mouth. Ditto to this whole comment. It's so, so important that you have a safe outlet (and while LIW is one, that's not what you need) and counseling is so super important to help you ... nutritionists are not enough, unfortunately.

There's no shame in this, AT ALL, so don't ever feel ashamed or disappointed in yourself. The fact that you recognize that you are still struggling is something to be proud of. The next step is getting some counseling to go along with it.

GL, and please feel free to FM if you need a vent!

I kind of understand where you are coming from.. I can't eat one single thing without obsessing that my clothes wont fit. When I was in college I had some issues with my weight, i always thought that I looked so fat so I worked out non stop and ate healthy and ended up weighing less than 100 pounds. Looking back now I looked disgusting and unhealthy...then all of a sudden my obsession stopped (literally overnight) and I gained so much weight. I was eating anything I wanted to and drinking all the time and i looked terrible yet again. I look at those pictures and don't even recognize myself. I decided that I needed to get into shape so I started eating healthy again and lost alot of weight. Now i just maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle.. altho I am lazy and never work out ( i know i should!) So yes I can relate to that feeling of not being happy with your body image and almost being obsessed with it.

I think you are super beautiful and skinny and you look fanstatic. Seriously. If your Dr. thinks you should put on a few pounds then do it, I mean after all he is the Dr. He does know best. You will still be beautiful and hot!! No matter what you look like though, you will always be a beautiful person (both inside and out). I wish I could help more

It takes lots of courage to voice what you did.
I agree that you should consider looking for a different nutritionist and perhaps a therapist as well. I don't know what your plans are as far as family but if you ever decide to have children, body image is going to rear its ugly head in the worst way. You could end up endangering yourself and your child while pregnant.

Be safe.

Thanks for your comments ladies. As far as my doctor, he is wonderful and is definitely helping me to look at food from a health standpoint just as any nutritionist would. He has known about my issues from day one so that isn't an issue.

I know I should probably seek counseing but I just felt like it didn't help me last time and don't really know where to start. And yes, getting pregnant scares me to death because of this. But I know I will be smart enough to get through because I will be carrying a child whose life is dependent upon me making smart choices. I wish I didnt care and that I could just go out and eat whatever i wanted and be whatever size and not care! grr lol

I really think you need to find a counsler that is the right fit and if that takes seeing 10 different ones then that should be your goal. This is not something that will go away on its own....believe me my family thinks it we just ignore it then its gone. I can see if I can get recommendations for you.

Here's a little story of someone I know that has suffered through this....She had a servere problem and finally thought she had it under control...She got PG and was great through the pregnancy because it was the health of her baby. He son is 7 years old now and for most of his life she has been in and out of treatment because after the pregnancy she went to the extreme.

I dont want to see this happen to anyone. While you may think you can do this on your own its hard. I think counseling is a must but that is just my opinion. Take care of the issue now before it gets to be a problem where you can't function in your everyday life.

And I hate to say it but this site probably isn't helping. By nature brides want to diet and me the thinnest they can be. I know this can fuel the thoughts. Im not saying anyone here did anything or that you should stop being on here just realize that just because others are dieting and losing you should too....My mother and I were doing WW and when we talked about it to my family memeber it made her problems worse so we stoped talking about it with her.....I dont know if soemthing like that can be a trigger for you but it might be.

I'll get some counsler recs and you can decide from there if you want to go.

:

I almost feel like a dumb false hair infomercial, 'Not only am I the founder, but I am also a member.'

All kidding aside, I study psychology (have my BA and MA and on my way to my PhD, and plan on studying Eating Disorders) so I have experiences on both sides of the couch. In high school, I never thought of it as a disorder until I took classes on the topic, but I came to realize that I definitely did not have healthy eating habits. I used to eat one meal a day when I came home from school, and it was basically a binge. Eventually that stopped, and I was addicted to working out, and I did that because I thought it would be more healthy than a lot of other mentally unhealthy things I've done to myself over the years. It took me a long time to learn to love myself and be happy, but some of those bad habits still lurk there. It's basically an addiction and it will always be in the back of our minds. You need to make the conscious decision to say no, you need to be healthy, and choose to do the right thing. It is really hard, and I know that I struggle a lot, especially when I'm stressed out. I just always remind myself to stay strong and not give in. And when that fails I remind myself that it's also really hard for someone you love (ie. DH) to watch us suffer like that (that I have also been on both sides for, and I truly think it is harder to be on the loved one side. When you are the one doing it, you don't care and think it's fine, but when you watch your loved one you feel completely helpless and worthless because you don't know how to help).

I think it is very courageous of you to be honest and share your feelings and struggles here to us, and it's a great thing that you can even talk about it. You are on the right track with getting support from your doctor and DH, but if you are seriously worried about a bad relapse you need to see a therapist. Sometimes they don't help because they are not the right one you. Don't be afraid to shop around until you find one that you're comfortable, trust me, that makes a world of difference. I saw my therapist for three and a half years, she kept me sane through the hardest parts of my life. I really owe her.

And if you ever need to talk, feel free to FM me.

AH, I can totally relate.

In high school, I was incredibly skinny. People thought I had an eating disorder. I didn't. I just ate very little and was always walking and stuff. So, after that in Senior year I put on a few pounds. I was healthy looking. At the time, I didn't care because I didn't realize it. Then I let it go on and I got to about 140. Not terrible. I was chunky. Then it didn't phase me when I put on weight. It is NOW I have a problem with it. In 2003 I was diagnosed with thyroid disease. So, at one point in a three month span I put on 30 pounds without even overeating. Doctor told me it was due the thyroid being unstable. Put me on meds and in 2005 I lost almost 40 pounds. I kept at it for SO long. To the point where it became obsessive. I was on high protein low carbs. I worked out. I enjoyed myself once a week with food. But I was kind of miserable. Everything revolved around what I ate and my workouts. Now, since I got married I have been eating carbs and and working out less. Honestly, I am happier and haven't even gained much. 2 pounds or so. I am not going crazy. I feel healthier and happier. I like having a more relaxed lifestyle yet work out when I can. I am just going to continue enjoying my healthy carbs and foods and just work out. I won't make it my life anymore. Life is too short. We need to enjoy ourselves while keeping ourselves healthy.

Lauren, I think you look great. Honestly, I remember that time you showed us before and after and honestly, you look great either way. One thing that led me to stop obsessing over the scale was to stop weighing myself. I weighed myself everyday. And now that I don't, I am realizing it's not needed. As long as I am within a healthy range and working out when I can and eating well, it's going to be fine. I hope you find something that eases your need to stay within range without obsessing over it. I think when you find it, you will be much happier. It took a long time for me to become happy in my own skin. I think approaching 30 is what's doing it for me.... I got two years to go and they always say the older you get, the more comfortable you are in your body.

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

Thanks Ali and Lila! Any recommendations of people to look to for this sort of thing? I would like a therapist that specializes in this sort of thing If I am going to go!

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i can totally get you a name of a therapist who specializes in eating disorders....

i have a friend who suffers from this.. it never goes away, you just have to keep it in check. she also suffers from severe anxiey as well... it goes hand in hand...she also suffers from ibs too....

however, you recognizing you need help.. is amazing and very courageous..

.

Lauren, I am writing you, do you have email at work right now?
If you would like my doctor, he specializes in eating disorders, and he was amazing throughout my problems, his name is Doctor Tilson. But he is in BK.

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Posted by PoppedInASnap

Lauren, I am writing you, do you have email at work right now?
If you would like my doctor, he specializes in eating disorders, and he was amazing throughout my problems, his name is Doctor Tilson. But he is in BK.

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Thanks Jenny. Unfortunately i think BK is toof ar for me to actually go

All the people I know are in the city and that's a little too far. Sorry, I wish I could help more.

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

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Posted by PoppedInASnap

Lauren, I am writing you, do you have email at work right now?
If you would like my doctor, he specializes in eating disorders, and he was amazing throughout my problems, his name is Doctor Tilson. But he is in BK.

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Thanks Jenny. Unfortunately i think BK is toof ar for me to actually go

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I'm sure Jenny's MD could make a recommendation for someone in your area ... most MDs with specialties know other MDs in their specialties!