desperate

i sit here writing this contemplating if i want to stay in my marriage. i know it's only been 4 months since the wedding. they say the first year is the hardest, but i've been miserable for the past 2 years. The moment I realized maybe I shouldn't be doing this, was too late. we paid for practically everything and I just couldn't leave. the problem is, we're in a huge financial mess. i think he resents me for spending money and having alot of debt and now we're paying for it big time. we live with his parents which i hate his mother and don't get along with her. he always defends her and puts her first. i'm his wife for god sake, i should be number 1. it's not even like she babies him or shows him affection. she told him she loved him once in 6 years. maybe longer. we can't move out because our credit is horrible now because of our debt and no one will take us with 2 dogs. his a nypd cop and has alot of overtime and just works alot in general. we never see eachother. he pressures me to try and work more when i work so much i keep going into overtime (i'm a waitress and thats kinda hard to do when our shifts are only 4-5 hours each) and my managers are getting aggrivated and won't let me work any longer than the 40 hours.

he only kisses me goodnight or goodbye (goodnight is starting to fade away) forget about sex, i don't even know what that is. he only tells me he loves me when we get off the phone or when he goes to work. i feel so desperate. i don't know what to do. my heart physically hurts to think of me leaving him and not having him there, but my heart hurts when i'm with him. i can't stop crying over this. i honestly don't know what to do anymore. he just doesn't listen to me and blames me for everything. he makes everything either about money or his mother (he grew up comfortable and when his family doesnt have everything they want, they're miserable a$$holes) i just don't know what to do :(

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Have you spoken to him about your feelings?

have you thought about counseling?

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Posted by MJDoc12

first--i'm sorry that you are feeling like this. its terrible when you feel like your are choking with the person you love the most.

i know its cliche, but have you considered counseling? like perhaps you two could seek some counseling and talk about these issues. does he know how you feel? have you been able to express yourself to him and vice versa?

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great minds...

I'll be sending you FM

It might be helpful to set aside some time for just the two of you... time to catch up, reconnect, talk, whatever.

Discuss all of the issues that you're having, without placing blame or pointing fingers...

Try to talk out whatever problems you see, and whatever problems he might be seeing too. If you two love each other enough, but can't figure it out yourselves.... I'd suggest maybe seeking a professional.

Money can definitely be a huge stress factor in a marriage... but maybe someone can help you two get back on track.

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Posted by MJDoc12

first--i'm sorry that you are feeling like this. its terrible when you feel like your are choking with the person you love the most.

i know its cliche, but have you considered counseling? like perhaps you two could seek some counseling and talk about these issues. does he know how you feel? have you been able to express yourself to him and vice versa?

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ITA and not to sound cliche, but it may help with explaining how you are feeling without it falling on deaf ears. It also help YOU figure out whether it is really where you want to be or just the issues causin you to feel like you want to leave.

i dont have any words or wisdom for you, I just hope that for your sake you are able to figure out what is right and you are able to be strong about whatever decision you make

You have FM

wish i had some wise words for you---but all i can offer is

just a question---you said your DH is a cop--so is mine. doesn't he have health insurance? he could probably get counseling discounted--just have to inquire your company. now if he just doesn't want to make the effort at all--then that is a totally different thing.

i hope that whatever you do--you can work this out and come up with the best solution for you two both.

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Posted by XFINALLYX

he just got me my insurance this month (he's lazy) so i'll have to check if that is included. i think psychology is and if thats the case, i wanna go just for myself. maybe i'll realize why i'm sticking around instead of making myself free haha.

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This is so true. I hope that you are able to figure out what is going on! And save what you must have originally found in each other before you completely lose it.

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Posted by XFINALLYX

he just got me my insurance this month (he's lazy) so i'll have to check if that is included. i think psychology is and if thats the case, i wanna go just for myself. maybe i'll realize why i'm sticking around instead of making myself free haha.

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well its worth looking into--even if it winds up being just for your own mental health.

i think sometimes when we are in for such a long time---we are just so afraid of having to start over. it can be very overwhelming and daunting--cause in the end you hope more than anything that you can go back to the 'fun' times when you first fell in love. believe me--i've been there....i know how that is.

only you know for sure whether you are holding on to an ideal vs. a reality....either way it stinks for you and hopefully you can figure it out.

you have FM

i just wanted to say that we're all here for you if you need to vent or just need , and Im really sorry that you're unhappy. as others have said, counseling may really be helpful for you guys, and if not both of you, like you said...just you going might be very beneficial. i recommend looking into that, and i hope financially/insurance-wise, it works out for you.


also, you have FM.

I know a lot of clergy also offer free counseling, so perhaps if you feel comfortable you could seek that out.

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Posted by hayleyandsteve

It might be helpful to set aside some time for just the two of you... time to catch up, reconnect, talk, whatever.

Discuss all of the issues that you're having, without placing blame or pointing fingers...

Try to talk out whatever problems you see, and whatever problems he might be seeing too. If you two love each other enough, but can't figure it out yourselves.... I'd suggest maybe seeking a professional.

Money can definitely be a huge stress factor in a marriage... but maybe someone can help you two get back on track.

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everything said above and my MJ is dead on...before u leave, PLEASE first try to figure things out. Being in love is easy when it all fun & games & the beginning 'lovey dovey' stages...but it's when we run into hardship that teaches us what marraige is all about. It's 'Through good times & in bad'.... I'm sorry u are feeling this way...and if u've felt this way since ur engagement I'm offering u lots of hugs - because while part of me feels like u should've left then if u felt this way, the other part of me deeply understands and knows how hard it is to leave someone u love and something u're so comfortable with. Honestly, if u feel when u talk to him he's not hearing u - then u NEED to see somone & consider counseling...it's not an option, it's a must. Yes money *****...me & DH have been in an insane financial rut these past few months...but this is ur marraige..and if anything is worth spending money on that u dont have, it's this. Even if u two can find the money on ur own, maybe consider talking to some family members about lending it to u since ur using it to get ur marraige back on track. again i am so sorry....i do know of an AMAZING marraige counselor so if u want any info swing me some FM. they're great & they're in suffolk county. again lots of hugs & love i hope everything works out for u.

Sorry, you shouldn't have to feel like this. You need to tell him that you both need to prioritize getting out of that house. That will help. No spending, just saving. Therapy is a great tool and your MIL should mind her own business.

How about also talking to her kindly and explaining the stressors and maybe if you have a heart to heart she will help you instead of making you both go 10 steps back.

I know I am overly optimistic, but try first. At least if you find you can't you will have no regrets.

And I can't overemphasize how even personal counseling will help. Try to push him if you can.

Best of luck

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Posted by XFINALLYX

we can't afford counseling and i've asked him to go to counseling years before we were married and he just doesn't feel like we need it. i've tried talking to him but he never really hears me. i know that sounds cliche as well but he really doesn't hear what i have to say. he just blames it on me talking bad about his mom or i went and spent money on something or blah blah blah. i know i can be hard on him but that's only me reacting to the way he treats me. i am a newleywed, i should be crazy in love, thinking this is the best time of my life. i was even miserable on our honeymoon. i was miserable right after we got engaged because he kept reminding me that we couldn't afford the wedding i wanted, or that i was wasting my money on something stupid for the wedding when it meant something to me. he always rains on my parade. i know that sounds juvenile but he really does. his mother does the same thing to me. i blame her for the way he is.

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something about men... they aren't so open to the idea of therapy.. my husband is the same way..

my advice to you is to at LEAST see a therapist or a psychiatrist for YOU. It seems as though you have a lot on your plate and a lot of extra weight floating around in your head.

as someone who has dealt with anxiety for YEARS... therapy is a wonderful thing. sometimes a person just needs a thrid person to listen/... and someone who has been trained to recognize certain behaviours and feelings, is wonderful. I really learned a LOT about myself, just by talking...

see if that works... and then maybe you'll be strong enough to incorporate what you've learned into your situation with your husband. maybe the right move IS to leave him... only you can decide

I wish you all the best... it can't be easy... Just hang in there, ok?