Dont know what to do

futuremrsfab Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:14 PM

Dont know what to do

Please don’t quote because I will need to take this down because of lurkers

So it’s my best friend- she’s beautiful, smart and so sweet- and she has just about given up on men & lately it seems like life. She does nothing but care for her ailing parents- she cooks, she cleans, etc- they are the most ungrateful nasty people and are horrible to her. She really needs to move out but keeps putting it off with bs excuses.

Anytime that we are doing something- having a party, going out dancing or anything like that, she won’t come, she’ll only come if we go out to dinner, and she cant go with a group, needs to be one on one. She wasn’t always like this- its just in the past couple of years.

I have watched her go down hill for years now, listened to her cry over her life and begged her to get therapy- to the point that I sat with her while she made the appointment and was going to drive and pick her up- but she ended up cancelling it.

I am at my wits end and it literally pains me to see her like this. When I call her, I have to mentally prepare myself to be depressed by the end of our conversation and usually near tears for what she has become.

I don’t know what to do. She won’t go for help & I don’t know what to do. Has anybody been through anything similar?

Toucan311 Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:17 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

Maybe there is some way she can attend a group therapy sort of thing and you can go with her for support?

TommysWife08 Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:20 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

have you made her aware of how she has changed and how it is effecting your friendship? it is possible that she is unaware of how she is effecting ppl.... i think if you spoke to her about that it may be like the slap in the face

also - unfortunately, you cannot make someone get help they dont want help

futuremrsfab Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:23 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

Posted by Mimacat

Maybe there is some way she can attend a group therapy sort of thing and you can go with her for support?

thanks thats a good suggestion- I will try talking to her and see what happens

skinny237 Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:23 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

My sister was going through a similar depression-type period. I sent her a long detailed (and well thought-out email) to let her know what I had noticed. I was terrified that she would hate me for sending the email or it would make her even more depressed/ upset. She was so, so appreciative that I had noticed and cared enough to tell her. Just an idea!

GtBride Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:23 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

I have a friend like this also. We live in different states now so we don't get to see each other that often. I was in NY for the holidays and we made plans to see each other but she flaked out. Honestly, i dread sometimes talking to her cause she is so depressed all the time. I would like to know how she is doing but then after our conversation i feel like crap. She is such a downer. I asked her to see a therapist or something and she said she really doesn't want too. I totally understand what your going through. You feel the need to help her but then she doesn't even want the help so you feel totally helpless. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish i could offer some sort of advice but i am in the same situation.

Gigi08 Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:24 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

Aw, that's sad. It sounds like she is depressed, and understandably so. That's so nice of you to be such a good friend to her. It sounds like right now that is what she needs most. Unfortunately, you can not force her to go to therapy. It's very sad that she is so loyal to her family and it is not appreciated. Is there anyone else who can take some of the burden for her? She needs to have some time for herself too. Sometimes when you can't make changes or decisions in your life, things happen that kind of make that decision for you. That may be what she needs.

Is she a religious person? I understand your feelings that she brings you down, but try not to give up on her...it sounds like she is lonely and really doesn't have anyone and that is the best you can offer her right now.

ETA: She probably does sense that the other friends have kind of backed off. She may be well aware that she has become a 'downer' and that may be why she's become more comfortable one on one.

futuremrsfab Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:24 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

Posted by TM2008

have you made her aware of how she has changed and how it is effecting your friendship? it is possible that she is unaware of how she is effecting ppl.... i think if you spoke to her about that it may be like the slap in the face

also - unfortunately, you cannot make someone get help they dont want help

yea, you are probably right and she probably doesnt see it. I would have guessed it was obvious because we have a group of friends that hang out together- about 7 of us and none of them bother with her anymore, they have written her off.

futuremrsfab Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:25 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

Posted by GtBride

I have a friend like this also. We live in different states now so we don't get to see each other that often. I was in NY for the holidays and we made plans to see each other but she flaked out. Honestly, i dread sometimes talking to her cause she is so depressed all the time. I would like to know how she is doing but then after our conversation i feel like crap. She is such a downer. I asked her to see a therapist or something and she said she really doesn't want too. I totally understand what your going through. You feel the need to help her but then she doesn't even want the help so you feel totally helpless. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish i could offer some sort of advice but i am in the same situation.

thanks- actually that does help to know someone else has been there too

GinaBambina08 Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:27 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

That is so sad.....I can't even think of anything...maybe you could hang out one on one with her regularly (like a day every week) until she is comfortable going out in a larger group...maybe after a while you could add someone else on to hang out with you two, and gradually build from there....you probably need to take baby steps with her...doing something with her every week will give her something to look forward to every week..

futuremrsfab Posted: Jan 22, 2009 01:29 PM

Re: Dont know what to do

thank you for everyone's advice- I really do appreciate it! I will definately try anything at this point and you guys gave me some ideas that I didnt think of!