guilt trip from SIL today

I just got a text from her (probably sent to everybody) that it's her daughter's dance recital on Saturday night and that we should all be there no later than 6:30. And 'since she worked so hard for this all year long it would nice to see everybody there.'

Okay, that's fine. I get that she wants us to support her daughter. But why not give us more than a 4 day notice if it's THAT important? Me & DH did have plans for this weekend, so now i'm kinda like what do we do? Cancel on our friends who we barely ever see, or go to his niece's recital? Gosh. I'm a jerk either way.

Don't you hate that tho??? I'm sure she knew about this for a long time (I used to be in dance too, I know how those recitals work). People definitely need more than a week's notice for that kinda thing - especially if it's a be there or die kind of situation

I agree with you both. It's wrong for her tell us on Tuesday and assume we don't already have plans for that weekend. DH would certainly say something to her about the short notice (they have a dicey relationship as it is) but I feel bad missing it. She's been having a hard time lately. Her husband's gone, who knows if he's coming back (long story) and she's been stuck alone with her 2 kids. Doesn't even live close enough to anybody to just stop by when she's feeling lonely. So i feel bad and think we should go. I just wish she wasn't so rude and sent a text invite (along with the guilt trip) only 4 days before the event

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Posted by RockysGirl

I agree with you both. It's wrong for her tell us on Tuesday and assume we don't already have plans for that weekend. DH would certainly say something to her about the short notice (they have a dicey relationship as it is) but I feel bad missing it. She's been having a hard time lately. Her husband's gone, who knows if he's coming back (long story) and she's been stuck alone with her 2 kids. Doesn't even live close enough to anybody to just stop by when she's feeling lonely. So i feel bad and think we should go. I just wish she wasn't so rude and sent a text invite (along with the guilt trip) only 4 days before the event

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Is there any way you can do both?!? Maybe leave the recital alittle early..or make the dinner plans later?

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Posted by Mrs. V 2008
Is there any way you can do both?!? Maybe leave the recital alittle early..or make the dinner plans later?

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I was just thinking that. I'm gonna ask DH when he gets home from work. See if we can move things around (rather than cancel). I texted her back and told her that we did have plans, but I'll see if we can change them. She wrote back and made me feel even MORE guilty - saying that her daughter's been in dance for 4 years and not many family members ever come to see her. So it would make her happy to have us there (and her little brother too, who's got this little boy crush on me. lol). So the guilt trip just keeps getting worse. I think we're gonna have to. We'll figure it out

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Posted by RockysGirl

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Posted by Mrs. V 2008
Is there any way you can do both?!? Maybe leave the recital alittle early..or make the dinner plans later?

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I was just thinking that. I'm gonna ask DH when he gets home from work. See if we can move things around (rather than cancel). I texted her back and told her that we did have plans, but I'll see if we can change them. She wrote back and made me feel even MORE guilty - saying that her daughter's been in dance for 4 years and not many family members ever come to see her. So it would make her happy to have us there (and her little brother too, who's got this little boy crush on me. lol). So the guilt trip just keeps getting worse. I think we're gonna have to. We'll figure it out

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Well it sounds like your SIL isn't giving up on this one. LOL.. I mean she should have given you more notice, but she doesn't have to guilt trip people!

With only 4 days notice, I wouldn't feel bad. If you were given 2 weeks notice and you didn't go, then that's a reason to feel bad.

Well... I guess that family should come first, so I tried talking to dh about it last night and asking if we can move things around to do BOTH this weekend. And after a while, he finally gave in.

HOWEVER - his damn SIL made one fatal mistake last night. I had told her in the original text that even tho we have plans, I'll try to move things around and that I'd talk to DH when he got home from work. So she should have just left it at that. Instead, she decided to guilt trip him even further. She had her DAUGHTER call dh and invite him herself. Trying to make him REALLY feel like a jerk if he says no. Which is just rude, I think. She knows that we have plans, so it's not as though anybody's saying 'I don't care about your stupid daughter'. And I already told her we'd try, so I don't know why she felt the need to manipulate him like that. Luckily he didn't have the phone on him, and just got the voicemail from her a little later. He was pisssed off and decided that now he's definitely not going. He can't handle people playing games like that. But I still think we should.

I'm contemplating on sending her a message and telling her that that was big mistake. I understand him though, he doesn't want her to feel as tho she succeeded. I don't know - that woman. She's got some issues, man!

honestly it just sounds like she has a lot going on and is desperate. Maybe she feels bad that she didn't give enough notice and now thinks that no one will come and its her fault that no one will be there for her daughter. Having the kid call wasn't right. I don't like when people use their kids as pawns. I think you should go for the kid. I really don't know what I would say to the sister, sorry!

gee--if your SIL is only giving 4 days notice -- i can't imagine WHY people haven't gone to her daughter's recitals more in the past 4 years.

my brother gives me guilt trips all the time with my niece. if he wants me to do something and i have plans he'll be uber passive agressive and say 'oh i guess blood ISN'T thicker than water--its fine--no worries' he's even told my niece 'sorry--your Titi doesn't love you enough to come by and see you' if i don't drop everything at that moment to do what he wants. (He thinks its HILARIOUS to do this -- and doesn't get why I get mad)

If you can do both--that's great -- but I would have your DH talk to his sister and let her know that if she pulls something like this again....trying to guilt you guys into going, and using her daughter to do it, that you won't take the bait. if you don't address the situation, it will just get worse and worse!

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Posted by MJDoc12

gee--if your SIL is only giving 4 days notice -- i can't imagine WHY people haven't gone to her daughter's recitals more in the past 4 years.

my brother gives me guilt trips all the time with my niece. if he wants me to do something and i have plans he'll be uber passive agressive and say 'oh i guess blood ISN'T thicker than water--its fine--no worries' he's even told my niece 'sorry--your Titi doesn't love you enough to come by and see you' if i don't drop everything at that moment to do what he wants. (He thinks its HILARIOUS to do this -- and doesn't get why I get mad)

If you can do both--that's great -- but I would have your DH talk to his sister and let her know that if she pulls something like this again....trying to guilt you guys into going, and using her daughter to do it, that you won't take the bait. if you don't address the situation, it will just get worse and worse!

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yuck, it's horrible for your brother to say that stuff to his kid. It's not funny. Just because you have a life, it doesn't mean that you don't care. People can't drop everything to be at every single function.

And about dh talking to her, he's way too upset. I know we've gotta say something though. I agree with you - if we let it go unaddressed, it'll just get worse. Which is why he doesn't want to give in and go to the recital at all. His sister is like that too. She takes advantage of the family by always dropping her kids off and expecting them to drop everything to babysit while she goes off to do God knows what. That's why DH REFUSES to babysit even just once. He told me to never give in, because if i do it'll never end and those kids will be here endless hours every weekend. lol. I'm starting to believe him!

So I wouldn't put it past her to constantly use this manipulative 'weapon' of hers if we let her.