How do I respond to this?

DH and I have been married for nine months. We want to hold off on starting a family for a few years--I want to develop my career, get my CPA license, we want to travel and basically enjoy our life as just the two of us for now.

MIL has been badgering us nonstop over the last few months about when we are going to have a family. It usually takes the form of one of the following:

'When are you going to have kids?'
'All your (DH's) cousins have kids, now it's your turn.'
'Now I'm waiting for you two to give me another grandchild.'

And most recently:

'You're not getting any younger.....when are you going to have kids?'

I had just celebrated my birthday over the weekend. How nice of you to say that!

This occurs like 9 out of 10 times we come into contact with my MIL. It's getting to be redudant and outright ridiculous at this point. I have enough stress in my life without her adding to it.

So....have any of you girls had a problem like this? How did you address it properly and tactfully?

Thanks so much!!

ETA: I changed the topic icon to a more appropriate one.

People have been asking, but Mike and I are not having children because of our ages.

I'm at the point that if someone asks me when are we having children, I either just stare at them or mention that we already have three - a 73 year old, a 74 year old and an 83 year old. I don't need another diaper to change. That usually shut's them up. (For the record, my dad, his dad, his mom, and none wears diapers, yet)

If your MIL persists in asking, just don't answer. Ignore her. I know it is rude, but I find it even more rude to ask such a personal question.
Don't feel pressured by anyone to offer up an explanation.

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Posted by SusiBtoM

People have been asking, but Mike and I are not having children because of our ages.

I'm at the point that if someone asks me when are we having children, I either just stare at them or mention that we already have three - a 73 year old, a 74 year old and an 83 year old. I don't need another diaper to change. That usually shut's them up. (For the record, my dad, his dad, his mom)

If your MIL persists in asking, just don't answer. Ignore her. I know it is rude, but I find it even more rude to ask such a personal question.
Don't feel pressured by anyone to offer up an explanation.

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Thanks for your input. That's what I have been doing so far. I'll just laugh it off or just don't say anything back. I don't mean to be rude to her but I just don't feel like I owe her a reason or an explanation. But it's getting to the point that it's just downright annoying. I just thought if I actually give her a response along the lines of 'It's none of your business', then she will back off.

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Posted by PegaLega

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That's what I feel like every damn time she asks.

DH's dad does this to me alllllllllll the time---his new one is how he's gonna probably die soon...and he wants grandkids from us.

the best thing to do is have your DH talk to his mom. i told my DH that it makes me VERY uncomfortable when the subject is brought up...especially because i am unsure as to what the future holds if i will even be able to conceive naturally. i have a feeling that DH must have spoken to his dad and told him to lay off--cause the last few times i've been over there...he hasn't said anything. its best if your DH says to his mom, 'i understand you want another grandkid, but please respect that we want to wait.....its making it very uncomfortable for us both.'

if she persists....or DH can't bring himself to say it....you're gonna have to just be blunt and embarass her when she asks again. i know it sounds harsh but if she asks you'll just have to say 'I know you're excited for grandkids, and thats nice, but you have to realize that when WE ARE READY we will do it....with each time you ask me that question from now on...you can add 6 mos. to the amount of time we're waiting to start trying'

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Posted by MJDoc12

DH's dad does this to me alllllllllll the time---his new one is how he's gonna probably die soon...and he wants grandkids from us.

the best thing to do is have your DH talk to his mom. i told my DH that it makes me VERY uncomfortable when the subject is brought up...especially because i am unsure as to what the future holds if i will even be able to conceive naturally. i have a feeling that DH must have spoken to his dad and told him to lay off--cause the last few times i've been over there...he hasn't said anything. its best if your DH says to his mom, 'i understand you want another grandkid, but please respect that we want to wait.....its making it very uncomfortable for us both.'

if she persists....or DH can't bring himself to say it....you're gonna have to just be blunt and embarass her when she asks again. i know it sounds harsh but if she asks you'll just have to say 'I know you're excited for grandkids, and thats nice, but you have to realize that when WE ARE READY we will do it....with each time you ask me that question from now on...you can add 6 mos. to the amount of time we're waiting to start trying'

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I asked DH to speak to his mom about this but he said we should just ignore her I can ignore the question if it is asked sparingly but not almost every time she sees us! Does she not realize how stupid she sounds constantly asking the same question over and over??

But damn, I almost fell out of my chair when I read what you suggested I say I think MIL would have a coronary if I told her that!

That is so annoying. People should know to never ask this question just because you never know if people are trying or what is going on in their life.

Since it's your MIL giving a sarcastic answer would not go over well. When people who shouldn't be asking ask me I tell them something made up and way to much TMI to kind of embarass them but I wouldn't advise that with your MIL. Just say something like when it happens you will be the first person to know and then change the subject. talk about what you are doing at work and the travel plans you have. You could also make a joke and say you already have a baby a 25 year old one (or however old your DH is).

Good luck

the simplest way, in my opinion would be to sit her down and tell her something like, 'your son and i have chosen to wait a little while to get pregnant. if you continue to pressure us and ask about it all the time, when the time has arrived, we will not share the news right away with you, because you are causing more stress than anything else with the way you are acting. we are sorry if this is harsh to hear, but it doesn't exactly make us feel great to be berated every time we see you. This is affecting our relationship and makes us want to see and talk to you less & less.'

in a perfect world, she'd cry and hug you - but in real life - she may be offended and GOOD...let her be.

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Posted by shopaholic07

Thanks for your input. That's what I have been doing so far. I'll just laugh it off or just don't say anything back. I don't mean to be rude to her but I just don't feel like I owe her a reason or an explanation. But it's getting to the point that it's just downright annoying. I just thought if I actually give her a response along the lines of 'It's none of your business', then she will back off.

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That's so RUDE of her, but I just BET she doesn't even realize that its rude, by the sounds of it!! Given that she's oblivious (vs. being deliberately spiteful/nasty) I know what I would do, I'd have DH talk to her 'in private' and tell her to lay off; perhaps even hint that you're having issues.... Don't deliberately lie, just have him hint at something vague like 'we've been working on it, no news yet '. She doesn't need to know you're stll on BCPs.
Hopefuly her TACToMETER will kick in and she'll leave you alone after that, given how 'sensitive' you'd be about it. That buys you some time, but a grandmama-to-be is certainly a force to be reckoned with, eventually it'll come up again!!

Just smile, ignore, breathe....

I don't know what to tell you because I deal with the same thing with my FIL. However, I tried the 'mature' approach with him. I told him we are waiting a LONG time for our own personal reasons. Well, that didn't work and now he likes to point out that if we have children NOW they will be grown before we are 40 and we can vacation and do all we want then.

Well, guess what? I am 25 now and I want to enjoy life NOW! I shut him up for a little while by mentioning that I am sure my sister thought the same thing, until her son was diagnosed with autism and she will be responsible for his care for the rest of his life . . . i doubt she will be gallavanting to Europe any time soon!

Anyway, people are nosy - try to be firm and try not to let them get to you!

My mother is like this too. I laugh at her and/or I tell her 'You raised me to be the selfish person I am today. I could not possibly give up my lifestyle for a kid. Sorry!' That shuts her up.

That generation has a different mentality. Women were stay at home moms for the most part so establishing yourself in a career is foreign to them. The idea of being an 'older' mom is just bizarre to them. They don't understand that we have worked hard to be where we are at and want to enjoy that before sacrificing a bit to raise a family.

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Posted by shopaholic07

I asked DH to speak to his mom about this but he said we should just ignore her I can ignore the question if it is asked sparingly but not almost every time she sees us! Does she not realize how stupid she sounds constantly asking the same question over and over??

But damn, I almost fell out of my chair when I read what you suggested I say I think MIL would have a coronary if I told her that!

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honestly---it took me breaking down and CRYING to my DH about how i hated the pressure for him to finally listen and realize it DID bother me more than just a simple 'ignore it'. cause he said the same thing to me...until i was sobbing saying that it was too much for me. sometimes a few tears go a long way. haha

yikes! seems like she needs you to be super BLUNT (but maybe youve tried that). 'We've talked about it and we're just not ready yet, period.' if she doesn't stop, 'i'm sorry, i just don't want to discuss it any further.' other than that, i wouldnt address it or talk to her about it at all. very rude for her to continuously bring it up. i can understand being excited and eager but badgering, like you said... .

My friend used to get asked this question all the time and when asked she started responding with

'We will have children when God Blesses us with them.'

People stopped asking after they heard this.

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Posted by dimples092907

My friend used to get asked this question all the time and when asked she started responding with

'We will have children when God Blesses us with them.'

People stopped asking after they heard this.

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Ohhhhh good one!!!!

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Posted by shopaholic07

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Posted by dimples092907

My friend used to get asked this question all the time and when asked she started responding with

'We will have children when God Blesses us with them.'

People stopped asking after they heard this.

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Ohhhhh good one!!!!

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Yes I always said I would use it if needed, but thankfully it hasn't been that bad.

I just don't answer people anymore because I am almost at the point where I have come to terms that I will not have any children. It is heartwrenching for me.

I've always wanted them, but now my husband and I are too old. Yes, i know that women can have children after 40, I hear the lectures from the busybodies all the time, which I why I have given up on answering that all to nosy question, 'so when are you having children'.

somebody on here once gave me great advise and I have used it it works well.

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Start issuing a newsletter called 'The State of ' INSERT NAME' Uterus' and it would be blank. Every month.

Seriously, when anyone brings it up, I tell them that my uterus wants no part of the conversation.

The word uterus makes them uncomfortable.

Uterus.

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Posted by gemmifer

somebody on here once gave me great advise and I have used it it works well.

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Start issuing a newsletter called 'The State of ' INSERT NAME' Uterus' and it would be blank. Every month.

Seriously, when anyone brings it up, I tell them that my uterus wants no part of the conversation.

The word uterus makes them uncomfortable.

Uterus.

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OMG that is hilarious!

I wonder how uterus is translated in Greek.........