I paid for most of our wedding expenses. (Before the wedding) In total, I paid a couple thousand more than my husband. When we deposited the gifts we received I only had about 1000.00 left over to go towards bills... (we ALMOST slpit it evenly.. I got about 1500 more than he did)
FH & I were both in a little debt when we got married, so our plan were to use whatever leftover money towards that so we can start saving. DH is in alot more debt than I am... but its only a few thousand.. not like 20,000 in debt.
I'm feeling slighted b/c if we paid off what we EACH paid for the wedding and then split what was left over, I would get at LEAST 1000 more, which would be tremendously helpful.
DH is insisting he spent more than (i think) he actually did... Thing is, we have VERY different ways of handling money. I'm very anal retentive and keep records of EVERYTHING and I use my CC more than cash but im smart about it...
We've decided to open a savings account together but keep our separate checking accounts. To make things work, we split the bills evenly (i.e: I pay the cable/phone & internet bill, he goes grocery shopping each week) ALso, any time we go out, he pays... anytime we have to pay for something for my son, I pay.. (boys scouts, baseball, school trips etc...) We've lived together for a while so far, it works.
But right now, I'm feeling as if I deserve a little more money from what we received to take care of my bills... I HATE discussing money with a loved one, b/c things can get ugly.
How would you handle this?
Also, how do you guys handle your finances with your DH? We both make about the same amount of money, and we both have different bills. (His car payments, I bought furniture before we moved in together, that Im almost done paying off etc etc)
I hate discussing money
Snickers76
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Tara-
I think that newlywed financing has got to be one of the trickiest issues.
For me,It has been very hard to let go of mine/his. I was an independent lady for so very long and a lot of his debt I will never acknowledge as mine because of what it is. Do i have to deal with it? Yes.
That being said, I think there are so many ways to handle joint finances. Right now, we don't have a joint checking account, but once we move on November 1st, we are going to open one. We will deposit a set amount of money each week and pay our bills out of that. It just seems like the rational thing for us to do at this point. I do know some couples who use one person's paycheck to pay the bills and the other paycheck gets banked or some variation of that.
If you feel like you would be more comfortable with a joint account that you each contribute to then you should talk to DH about that.
We are still going to keep separate accounts for our own personal spending money. I don't really want DH knowing how much I spend on clothes and makeup anyway.
B22
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by GettinHutched
Caroline, thank you for posting this!! I've been having issues too. Everyone has given you great advice so far....
Our wedding gifts went into our joint savings account to save for a down payment on a house. We still have separate checking accounts and I STILL pay him like a roommate would (we've lived together for a year)...he pays the rent, I give him half. Frankly, it irritates me. We've talked about it nonstop, and he thinks since it's worked so far, why change it? He doesn't see the point of merging into one joint checking account. But I guess in my mind, this isn't the finances of a marriage. Should that really matter? He also has this attitude since he's the accountant, he knows how to handle the money.
We've been really talking finances lately especially since we're on the house hunt. DH makes a good amount more than me and I have more debt (doesn't it figure - but I went to a seriously expensive college that I'll pay off forever). So there's no way once we get a house we can continue to 50/50 and he acknowledges that.
Are there any more perspectives out there you can give me to get him to see that a joint account for all the big bills is the way to go? I can't seem to come up with a good enough reason besides it being convenient (I don't have to keep writing HIM checks) and the arrangement is more 'marriage' like.
Or is there anyone out there that sees nothing wrong with this arrangement? I'd love to hear the arguments! Thanks!
Since FH moved in with me, I still pay the rent and he pays me half... I've tried to change it, maybe have him pay other bills equaling half the rent.. but he feels it just works better for him to give me a check each month...
I dont think there is anything wrong with separate accounts, if it really works for you...
The way I see it-- DH & I met and married in our thirties.. we both lived on our own for YEARS before even moving in together... we're both VERY SET in our ways and it works... so why change it?
We both need to work on compromising on money we SHARE... and who pays what... Luckily we make about the same amount of $$ so the issue is not who can handle what.... (sadly... b/c neither of us make alot) DH has the potential to make aLOT more... if he gets into the union he's trying for... (funny b/c I'm the one with more education)
I'm content with NOT being the bread winner of the family b/c I'm the one who brings our son to baseball, boy scouts, parent teacher conferences.. etc etc
DH is INVOLVED, but I'm able to work my schedule so that I'm always available for my son... Its frustrating financially but I know things will get better...
BTW-- Im so glad that so many of you are in the same boat... makes me feel a TON better...
donegal419
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
I don't know.... I think your wedding money was a gift to BOTH of you and it should be BOTH of your money... i.e. joint savings account or however you choose to invest.
I paid for 90% of our wedding. i had been living at hime and saving money for about 2 years before I met DH, so I had most of the money we used for the wedding. DH had law school loans and for many years worked for his father's business... the business crashed and they all walked out with nothing. although i also had school debt, i had been in a better opportunity to save money.
i might be old school in thinking this way, but i truly believe my money is his money and his money is my money. we still have separate accounts in terms of the physical checks and cards, but we both pull from each others accounts. we will be joining checking accounts and credits once we move, which shoudl be soon. everything that is mine is his and vice versa. i don't like this 50/50 arrangement that people talk about. we share everything. right now, it's more me because i earn more (still not tons, but more) and i don't mind. i know when i take off for a baby, etc. it will be his money that will support me... it all evens out in the end. i am not directing this at you, but i don't like the whole 'tit for tat' things... marriage is NOT an 'Accounts Payable....' to us, it's a partnership and we share everything.... who cares if i pay the rent and he only grabs the groceries and the cell phone bill this month? it's all the same to me...
in terms of management, we have very similar spending patterns, so that works. none of us really wastes money or buys unncessary items. any expensive item or bill, we talk about before it's purchased.
B22
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by donegal419
I don't know.... I think your wedding money was a gift to BOTH of you and it should be BOTH of your money... i.e. joint savings account or however you choose to invest.
I paid for 90% of our wedding. i had been living at hime and saving money for about 2 years before I met DH, so I had most of the money we used for the wedding. DH had law school loans and for many years worked for his father's business... the business crashed and they all walked out with nothing. although i also had school debt, i had been in a better opportunity to save money.
i might be old school in thinking this way, but i truly believe my money is his money and his money is my money. we still have separate accounts in terms of the physical checks and cards, but we both pull from each others accounts. we will be joining checking accounts and credits once we move, which shoudl be soon. everything that is mine is his and vice versa. i don't like this 50/50 arrangement that people talk about. we share everything. right now, it's more me because i earn more (still not tons, but more) and i don't mind. i know when i take off for a baby, etc. it will be his money that will support me... it all evens out in the end. i am not directing this at you, but i don't like the whole 'tit for tat' things... marriage is NOT an 'Accounts Payable....' to us, it's a partnership and we share everything.... who cares if i pay the rent and he only grabs the groceries and the cell phone bill this month? it's all the same to me...
in terms of management, we have very similar spending patterns, so that works. none of us really wastes money or buys unncessary items. any expensive item or bill, we talk about before it's purchased.
I don't think ANY of us feel comfortable looking at our marriage as a 50/50 agreement and we're all trying to merge our lives together with our new husbands... But we're also LEARNING to compromise with regards to finances... It doesn't mean any of us look at our marriage as an 'accounts payable' dept and that we don't want to share eerything... But to put it lightly, when you've lived a big part of your life taking care of yourself, it's a little hard to share..
Snickers76
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by carolinep24
Posted by donegal419
I don't know.... I think your wedding money was a gift to BOTH of you and it should be BOTH of your money... i.e. joint savings account or however you choose to invest.
I paid for 90% of our wedding. i had been living at hime and saving money for about 2 years before I met DH, so I had most of the money we used for the wedding. DH had law school loans and for many years worked for his father's business... the business crashed and they all walked out with nothing. although i also had school debt, i had been in a better opportunity to save money.
i might be old school in thinking this way, but i truly believe my money is his money and his money is my money. we still have separate accounts in terms of the physical checks and cards, but we both pull from each others accounts. we will be joining checking accounts and credits once we move, which shoudl be soon. everything that is mine is his and vice versa. i don't like this 50/50 arrangement that people talk about. we share everything. right now, it's more me because i earn more (still not tons, but more) and i don't mind. i know when i take off for a baby, etc. it will be his money that will support me... it all evens out in the end. i am not directing this at you, but i don't like the whole 'tit for tat' things... marriage is NOT an 'Accounts Payable....' to us, it's a partnership and we share everything.... who cares if i pay the rent and he only grabs the groceries and the cell phone bill this month? it's all the same to me...
in terms of management, we have very similar spending patterns, so that works. none of us really wastes money or buys unncessary items. any expensive item or bill, we talk about before it's purchased.
I don't think ANY of us feel comfortable looking at our marriage as a 50/50 agreement and we're all trying to merge our lives together with our new husbands... But we're also LEARNING to compromise with regards to finances... It doesn't mean any of us look at our marriage as an 'accounts payable' dept and that we don't want to share eerything... But to put it lightly, when you've lived a big part of your life taking care of yourself, it's a little hard to share..
It is important for everyone to realize that we aren't all in the same financial position and for some of us it may not be so easy to pay the rent and bills while DH just picks up the groceries. I can support myself comfortably on my salary, but I could never, ever cover all of DH's bills alone. One of my major concerns in choosing a new apartment was that I would be able to cover the rent in one of my paychecks-it makes me feel secure knowing I would have a place to live if God forbid...
I don't think anyone should feel badly because they need time to readjust some of their habits after marriage. I feel like I am also learning throughout this newlywed process and when I sit back and think about all of the progress DH and I have made and how far we have come from when we first got married till now I think that this learning is actually quite a beautiful process.
donegal419
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by carolinep24
I don't think ANY of us feel comfortable looking at our marriage as a 50/50 agreement and we're all trying to merge our lives together with our new husbands... But we're also LEARNING to compromise with regards to finances... It doesn't mean any of us look at our marriage as an 'accounts payable' dept and that we don't want to share eerything... But to put it lightly, when you've lived a big part of your life taking care of yourself, it's a little hard to share..
Hi Caoline,
i didn't mean to imply that YOUR marriage is an accounts payable! i guess even though we were both on our own for so long, i personally really didn't have any problem compromising on finances... and it just fell into place for us,without much thought or stress. i realize everyone's situation is different.... I am sorry if I came across as rude and insensitive.
donegal419
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Member since
Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by Snickers76
It is important for everyone to realize that we aren't all in the same financial position and for some of us it may not be so easy to pay the rent and bills while DH just picks up the groceries. I can support myself comfortably on my salary, but I could never, ever cover all of DH's bills alone. One of my major concerns in choosing a new apartment was that I would be able to cover the rent in one of my paychecks-it makes me feel secure knowing I would have a place to live if God forbid...
I don't think anyone should feel badly because they need time to readjust some of their habits after marriage. I feel like I am also learning throughout this newlywed process and when I sit back and think about all of the progress DH and I have made and how far we have come from when we first got married till now I think that this learning is actually quite a beautiful process.
Hi... I realize EVERYONE is in a different situation... and believe me--- I know what it means to struggle to pay for it all!
I didn't mean to make anyone feel badly. We're all newlyweds and adjusting to life after marriage. I guess on this issue, DH and I were so similar and have similar spending habits, financial history, etc. that this was an area where it was not stressful for us to adjust at all. what we do just works for us... sorry if I came across as rude or insensitive... totally not my intent.
PegaLega
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
I dont even think the issue is who pays what bills and 50/50 this and that. I think the issue more is that the gifts from the weddings were given to both of you. There shouldnt be i should get more or he should get less issue at all. I understand that you have seperate accounts-we dont do this-just b/c its never been an issue with us. If it works for you then stick with it. But truthfully, and Im sorry if this is taken the wrong way but your gifts are YOURS not his or mine. When it comes down to dollars and cents, I spent more on the wedding then DH did, but my ILs spent more then my dad....this didnt change our gift money. If that was the case, DHs guests gave more then mine...but there were alot more of them. Am I making any sense or do I just sound ridiculous? I dont know. I really thing that this is something you need to talk to him about if you feel that strongly about it. You are going to get 2 sides on this subject and it may not help you at all to reach the understanding or the conclusion you are trying to achieve-it may just make it more confusing
GettinHutched
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
I think in some of our cases, it's certainly true that being in our 30's, or at least having lived on our own for awhile, we're definitely accustomed to the way things were financially. You girls are absolutely right- it's just an adjustment period, and yes we're all gonna have different perspectives on the matter. It's not a matter of right or wrong, but what works for each couple. I was definitely curious to hear different perspectives, and to see if other couples handle things similar to DH and I.
MushesGirl
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
I never thought there was anything wrong with the 50/50 arrangement until this thread. Now i'm starting to wonder about it. We lived together before the wedding and this is how we did things, simply because i guess it was convenient. Now we do it this way simply because we never discussed doing it differently or opening a joint account. Even if you have a joint account, one person is still responsible for paying the bills (not financially but the actual writing checks/online payments etc). I keep thinking about the comment someone made about living like roomates. I sure don't want our financial life handled like roomates thats for sure!
On the other hand someone also mentioned about being on our own for so long, having separate finances, being in your 30's, that it just seems natural to keep separate checking accounts and split things down the middle.
hm what to do. I can't really picture how we would handle a joint checking account and a savings account AND 2 separate checking accounts. Too confusing!
B22
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by donegal419
Posted by carolinep24
I don't think ANY of us feel comfortable looking at our marriage as a 50/50 agreement and we're all trying to merge our lives together with our new husbands... But we're also LEARNING to compromise with regards to finances... It doesn't mean any of us look at our marriage as an 'accounts payable' dept and that we don't want to share eerything... But to put it lightly, when you've lived a big part of your life taking care of yourself, it's a little hard to share..
Hi Caoline,
i didn't mean to imply that YOUR marriage is an accounts payable! i guess even though we were both on our own for so long, i personally really didn't have any problem compromising on finances... and it just fell into place for us,without much thought or stress. i realize everyone's situation is different.... I am sorry if I came across as rude and insensitive.
no apologies necessary... I understand a lot gets miscontrued when you're reading something rther than speaking to someone.
what you wrote just hit a nerve b/c my marriage (and relationship in general) is VERY LOVING and so much a shared life... We just havent figured out how to live together financially... but by no means is it a business and i dont want anyone to think that way
=)))
Pencils
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
Posted by carolinep24 I don't think ANY of us feel comfortable looking at our marriage as a 50/50 agreement and we're all trying to merge our lives together with our new husbands... But we're also LEARNING to compromise with regards to finances... It doesn't mean any of us look at our marriage as an 'accounts payable' dept and that we don't want to share eerything... But to put it lightly, when you've lived a big part of your life taking care of yourself, it's a little hard to share..
That's not entirely true. I'm 40 years old, and got married in June for the first time. We've combined all our money. Period. It's a 50/50 arrangement. And I don't have a problem with sharing. I like it, in fact. We actually have very similar spending habits so it's been a very workable arrangement.
I think you guys should see a financial counselor. They're not just for retirement accounts and that sort of thing, there are people who help you learn how to handle your every day finances. Money is probably the #1 reason that couples get divorced, and it should be taken very seriously because of that. It can put terrible friction into a marriage, and a lot of the time it's totally unnecessary.
