If you're not attending the wedding...

what do you give as a gift? We were invited to two weddings this summer that we're not going to.

The first couple was invited to our wedding and did not attend (not our wedding in NY or the local celebration we had, they're local) and they sent no gift. They're wedding is in Maine, and we're not going.

The second couple went to our wedding. They live in NY and their wedding is on LI. But we're not coming back for it (we have another wedding that weekend in Seattle). They gave a nice gift at our wedding. Do we give the same, or less $ since we're not going? At the moment I'm leaning towards something off their registry for less than what we would have given if we went to the wedding.

We're not very close with either couple. The first is a co-worker of Al's that we've socialized with occasionally. The second is a childhood friend that we haven't kept in touch with often - before our wedding, I hadn't seen them in 10 years, but Al's mom is close to the groom's mom.

thoughts?

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

Couple #1 get nothing since they didnt send you anything.

Couple #2 - I would give them the same caliber of gift they gave me.

Before my own wedding, I would have sent a nice gift to both. But no gifters get squat from now on.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

I am with Stef especially on the no gifters

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

I ALWAYS give a gift even if they did not give me a gift because I always try to be a better person. In my opinion 2 wrongs do not make a right. I would give a small gift to the no-gifting people- something off registry or a nice bottle of champagne.

the 2nd people I would also send something off registry what you can afford.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

For people who never sent me a gift, I would not send them one. I would send them the RSVP card back with a nice note of congratulations.
For the other couple I would send them the same gift that they gave you.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

I agree, if they gave no gift I give no gift. RE the second weeking, I alsays send a gift off the ergistry if we can't attend... and determine the amount by how good friends we are/how close. If they gave you a nice gift I would try to give aroudn that same amount.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

First couple-nada

Second couple- I would send them something nice off their registry.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

First couple, a token gift, probably something off of their registry.

Second couple, a comparable gift to what they had given us.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

a coworker of mine is getting married this month...we are not going...he was invited to our wedding...didn't respond until 1 week before...and no gift..

I still sent him a $50 gift off his registry...to be the better person...and hopefully he will feel a bit bad about not getting me a gift


edited to say...the second couple...something the same as they got for you

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

You know, I would say be the better person and send a gift, maybe that would make them feel bad. However from the whole wedding experience now......I must say, if you sent them a gift, I don't even think it would register with them that they didn't send you anything. Think about it, it didn't register that they declined and didn't send a gift, so why would this register with them? Truly, I don't blame them, I just don't think people know wedding etiquette anymore. I had about 8 people that didn't even respond to our invitions, so we paid for them and they didn't show or even send a gift!!!! And others that declined and never sent a gift. So my feeling.................

no gift = no gift

$ gift = $ gift

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

I agree totally w/ the no gift = no gift.
The other one, if it was something off your registry, I'd get them an actual gift too. If it was $- then $ in return.
Where in Maine?

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

couple #1 - a big box of nothing

couple #2 - if they gave you $$, I would give them the same, I don't think it would have to be the same amount as they gave you since you are not covering a plate

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

I dont think it makes somebody a better person to give a gift when non was given to them. I think it would make somebody a better person to lets say, send back an rsvp card if an rsvp card wasn't sent back to them.
If it really would make you feel better, I would send a card at best.

To the other couple.. how about a bed bath and beyond or fortunoff's gift certificate?

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

Scott's cousin and his fiance cancelled the day before our wedding via e-mail and NEVER called, or sent a card or anything. When I got their wedding invite a few weeks ago (with their registry card inside the invite ) I told Scott to send them our regrets and that over my dead body would I send them a gift. I figure they cost me hundreds of dollars for the no-show and I am doing the right thing and RSVPing No and thus, not costing them a dime. So I am still doing the right thing, but not going above for rude people.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

From a few guests who did not attend our wedding sent like $50 or $100 as a gift. It is not necessary, but I would still send something if the person is a close relative or good friend.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

thats what we got too - from folks who didn't come, $50-100 checks, or nothing in a lot of cases.

So couple #1 gets nothing, couple #2 is definitely getting a gift. They gave us $150 which is less than we would have given if we went to their wedding, but I think I'll do a gift off their registry since I have gift certificates to C&B and they are registered there. I'd rather not shell out the cash, since we're trying to cut back on spending.

Re: If you're not attending the wedding...

I wouldn't send the first couple a gift but for the second I would buy them a nice gift from their registry. It doesn't have to be the same amount since you are not going.