I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this....

Original post by ddnsp618

Feb 24, 2010 10:35 PM

I have been really really down lately. My dad died on 10/18/07, and when it happened I was ok. We knew he was going to die, he had bad cancer, and when it did happen, it was more of a relief. Well over the past two years and a half, I have been constantly thinking about him, and how I wish he didn't die. I obviously know that he isn't coming back, but I keep wishing he would.

So much has been going on with my family since he died (I got married, my sister moved to TN, my other sister had her 3rd and 4th kids, my brother got married and is expecting a baby, my mom graduated college) and I just feel like he would really want to be here to see it.

I don't know what I can do to stop thinking about him and how I feel he should be here still. I listen to the music he used to listen to ALL the time, and want to talk about him every second I can.

I don't know what I am trying to get out of this post (hence the subject) and I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I see a therapist, but every time we bring it up, I am unable to talk about it.

If you are still reading, I'm sorry to make you read about this. I really try not to ever post anything negative, because my problems are nothing compared to some things people have to deal with, but I just don't know who to turn to anymore. DH misses my dad a ton as well, and all we do is sit around some days, and say 'Oh, I wish Joe was here...' So I just don't know how else I can talk to him about it, or try to deal with it.

Thanks for reading.

Dreemer107 Posted: Feb 25, 2010 04:57 PM

Re: I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this....

Posted by Karsav7096

I'm sure your dad is watching over your family just look for signs!! For me it's a Cardinal and just the other day while DH and I were sitting in front of our house going back and forth about closing the restaurant and a Cardinal flew by and landed on the fence next to us.
DH and I just looked a the Cardinal and smiled knowing my dad was with us helping us make the right choice.

Just look and you will find him!! If you ever need someone to talk to about it you can call me!!!!

totally agree with this! I swear my sister sends me rainbows to say hi. I've never seen so many in the last 5 months!

ddnsp618 Posted: Feb 25, 2010 07:50 PM

Re: I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this....

thanks so much, i really appreciate everyone's concern. i like the idea of writing him a letter, i am going to try that.

i have thought about seeing a medium, but my aunts have seen one to try to channel my uncle, and they really didn't have any luck. also, they became addicted to going to see the medium!

rebekahlw164 Posted: Feb 25, 2010 07:53 PM

Re: I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this....

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I actually lost my brother on 10/18/03 so it made my heart skip a beat to read the beginning of your post. Even though it's been this long, it's hard for me to believe this happened so I can understand your feeling of not accepting that your dad isn't coming back. It's nice that you and DH are able to talk about him. I still have trouble talking about my brother and hate that he never got to meet DH. I imagine what it would be like for him to still be around and have a relationship with him still.

I also agree that, even thought I'd swear I don't believe in this, sometimes I think you can see signs of loved ones. Sometimes when I'm thinking of him, which I do a lot while I'm drinving, I'll notice some beautiful colors in the sky or an enormous moon out there. Just makes you wonder.

azailia Posted: Feb 25, 2010 07:58 PM

Re: I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this....

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my father when I was six. My whole life I have grown up missing him. he was 35 when he died. Ad he was full of life and very outgoing.

2 weeks ago, my stepfather passed away, suddenly. He has been in my life for 20 years. And these past 2 weeks have been a nightmare. I am in shock and I feel numb. And I am having anxiety.

I could go on and on about this. But just know that I understand what you are going through. If you ever need to talk FM me.

I love hearing stories about my Dad. And I have seen John Edward a few times, hoping to get read.

And now, dealing with my stepfather too... that is a whole different story.. i can't even begin that right now...

sorry to babble, nothing I say makes sense lately.

MirabellaNYC Posted: Feb 25, 2010 08:10 PM

Re: I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this....

I'm so sorry you're going through this

I lost my dad in 1994 to cancer-I was 15 when he passed.

15 years later, I still think of him..and still cry sometimes. Grief is strange, it comes in waves and hits you when you least expect it. I tried talking to a therapist too, but didn't really get much out of it. What really helped me was reading books on grief. It allowed me to read on paper what I was feeling, which was way easier than saying it. What also helped was pouring myself into a hobby, I was a ballet dancer growing up, and after he died I was in the studio 6 days a week for hours and hours a day. I focused my energy onto something else that I was passionate about.

Maybe you and DH can find ways to celebrate your dad-look at pictures, tell stories, watch home movies with him...as much as those times STILL tug at my heart strings and make me cry, I always feel better afterwards.

I'm telling you 15 years later it's still on my mind a lot. But I promise it will get easier.

Most importantly, don't hold back your feelings! YOu have to go through the really strong emotions to get to the easier ones.

We're here for you!