Just feel like venting

Hey, we had an OOT family of 5 give us a $100 Macy's gift card... and come to the wedding! We're not cutting them off.

I understand the frustration -- we certainly had our fair share of very generous and less generous (at least for NY standards) gifts, but we're not holding it against anyone. (Although I do admit I'm curious to reconcile our gift list with our invite list and see if anyone stiffed us)

this topic is always wonderful...

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your 'plate isn't being used'.....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

Does it suck you gave $400, yes but that was you & DH's choice.......would I cut the person out of my life over it? NO....

Maybe the couple when opening your generous amount, got really embarassed knowing that they couldn't afford to give that in return hence why they RSVPd no.

christ I got gift certificates from VERY good friends to BB&B for the wedding...did I write them out of my life over it...no way. would I give that to them as a gift, no but that's just me, everyone is different. Out of towners are very different, people are in all sorts of financial troubles that are never openly discussed so I could never run someone out of my life over it.

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Posted by DNicholes

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your 'plate isn't being used'.....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

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Many people are taught this. Its the 'nice' thing to do.

But not everyone subscribed to this school of thought, which is why I still do feel that any gift given by a non-attendee is still GENEROUS.

98% of our guests who didn't come to the wedding didn't send a gift.

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by DNicholes

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your 'plate isn't being used'.....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

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Many people are taught this. Its the 'nice' thing to do.

But not everyone subscribed to this school of thought, which is why I still do feel that any gift given by a non-attendee is still GENEROUS.

98% of our guests who didn't come to the wedding didn't send a gift.

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I never said everyone is subscribed to this school of thought, I said 'I always learned'

I wasn't saying it's wrong for people not to send a gift,

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by DNicholes

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your 'plate isn't being used'.....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

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Many people are taught this. Its the 'nice' thing to do.

But not everyone subscribed to this school of thought, which is why I still do feel that any gift given by a non-attendee is still GENEROUS.

98% of our guests who didn't come to the wedding didn't send a gift.

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I agree. We got a lot of small registry gifts (think $10-25) from OOT friends who couldnt come and I was happily surprised! OOTers as a whole were less generous than NYers so I'm assuming its just a cultural difference ($25 gift from a groomsman, $75 gift from a couple, etc). I was also pleasantly surprised to see how many people actually stuck to the registry with their gifts!

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Posted by MrsQ-in2007

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by loislane

No offense but from the looks of your mansion in your profile pics it looks like you can afford the 400. If you are going to black list someone for a 50 dollar gift maybe you should send it back to them.

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I'd say that's a perfect use of that emoticon!!!

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ITA

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Posted by DNicholes

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Posted by PreshusSmurf

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Posted by DNicholes

I will admit I always learned if you RSVP'd no to a wedding, you should send a gift but much much less then what you would normally b/c your 'plate isn't being used'.....our norm for gifts when RSVPing no...would be $75 which I think is generous for not attending the wedding.

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Many people are taught this. Its the 'nice' thing to do.

But not everyone subscribed to this school of thought, which is why I still do feel that any gift given by a non-attendee is still GENEROUS.

98% of our guests who didn't come to the wedding didn't send a gift.

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I never said everyone is subscribed to this school of thought, I said 'I always learned'

I wasn't saying it's wrong for people not to send a gift,

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I think you may have misunsderstood what I was saying Devon.

I was trying to agree with you and wasn't trying to imply that you said anything more than what you actually said.

Sorry if it came off that way.

I also wanted to point out at the same time that not everyone is brought up with manners or etiquette.

Heck, we didn't get gifts from some people in our Bridal Party!

Coming from someone who got $50 in cash for a family of 4 from a few people at our wedding, I'd say that was generous of them.

They didnt come to the wedding so technically they didnt have to send anything at all.

They also took time out choosing stuff from your registry which is thoughtful. They could have just sent a $50 check and be done with it.

Dont end a friendship over something so small.

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Posted by MJDoc12

Soooo because they didn't give you a gift that was equal to or more than what you gave them, it means the friendship is over???

How do you know their financial situation right now? Maybe they SEEM to have $$ and they don't and they wanted to send something anyway.

I know everyone is different but I really do NOT and NEVER WILL understand the concept of 'I gave this much and they are supposed to give us something of equal or more value in order for it to be okay'.

Its like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. I would hope you wouldn't end an entire friendship over a gift you deem too cheap.

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ITA!

This is a good friend of DH's, they owned a business together at one point.

I guess he just feels that since we gave him their gift first they should of been smart enough to say to themselves, lets put this aside because their wedding is in a few months.

I duno i guess we are odd that we think that way.

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

This is a good friend of DH's, they owned a business together at one point.

I guess he just feels that since we gave him their gift first they should of been smart enough to say to themselves, lets put this aside because their wedding is in a few months.

I duno i guess we are odd that we think that way.

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I don't think your odd. I'm clearly going to be in the minority here but I would be annoyed too. Why wouldn't you expect reciprocity?

I know a lot of people keep track of what others gave them for their wedding for that specific purpose...I have one friend who even has it in an excel file! Everytime she has a wedding she pulls it up and gives them the exact gift they gave her. And from the number of gifts I got at my wedding that were an exact match as to what I gave that friend when they got married, I know she isn't the only one that keeps track.

Everyone has a different mentality on this rather controversial topic. I read PPs' opinions and see their points as well, but I can understand where you are coming from. Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.

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Posted by MJDoc12

Soooo because they didn't give you a gift that was equal to or more than what you gave them, it means the friendship is over???

How do you know their financial situation right now? Maybe they SEEM to have $$ and they don't and they wanted to send something anyway.

I know everyone is different but I really do NOT and NEVER WILL understand the concept of 'I gave this much and they are supposed to give us something of equal or more value in order for it to be okay'.

Its like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. I would hope you wouldn't end an entire friendship over a gift you deem too cheap.

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ITA!! well said!

I wasnt going to chime in but I think I will.

While I dont THINK you should write them off for not sending you the same gift you sent them I can definitely see how it would be annoying or upsetting to DH.

I have always tried to reciprocate and give what I have been given or vice versa.

But you have to consider that they may have other *personal* things to attend to and Im sorry if I am having money problems (no I wouldnt be telling my friends this) I sure as helll would pay my bills first. Sorry. A roof over my head, etc. is more important then reciprocating a gift.

And we all say its etiquette to send a gift when we dont attend, I want to know how many people knew this info before htey got married? Or before they signed onto this site? I know I didnt know that and no, I didnt send a gift for weddings I didnt attend and truthfully unless the person is a very good friend of mine I wont send a gift either.

You have to keep in mind that no one knows what someone is going thru until we have walked a mile in their shoes. So you dont know where/what the reasoning is but neither you or anyone else for that matter can question why they didnt reciprocate.

That is how I feel, I know you were venting your frustrations and that is fine but to write a friend off for that is pretty low IMO. That shows how 'good' of friends they really are if he just shrugs at the thought.

ETA: I had people come to my wedding and not even give us a card......guess what, Im hurt that a card wasnt given but they are still my friends.

just to clarify, i'd be at least a little disappointed but not enough to write off the friendship

edit: like someone above said, i'd be more upset they couldnt come

well, i have to say that they said no, they owe you nothing.

you have no idea what is going on with them right now. Not everyone has the foresight to put aside money for your wedding....your wedding is not everyone's priority.

Let's even give them credit and say they did - what happens when they wind up with a flat tire on the way home from work and need 2 new tires. that 'your wedding' fund goes away right away...i'm sorry - but that is reality.

i know dh & I live check to check (not something we're proud of - but reality is reality). we don't put money aside for weddings we attend. some people get a gift right away - some people don't, it depends where we are that week.

if you & he are willing to write off the friendship because they did something that they didn't have to at all - then maybe you need to re-think the friendship to begin with.