Just had a fight w/ DH - money related - LONG

When I say we had a fight - that means him getting angry and raising his voice and me just crying - that is what our 'fights' are like

Anyway...

We have been tossing around the idea of me going on his insurance. I need to switch to an OB/GYN out here in Centereach, and the group my SIL wants me going to (she's a labor & delivery nurse at Stonybrook so I totally value her opinion) doesn't take my medical, but they take his. The cost for him to switch to the family plan at this time is just obscene - $200 per PAYCHECK - and we just cannot afford it.

I guess I must've said something he didn't like, or something, b/c he then turned it into, 'I am NOT going to lose $200 from my paycheck just so you can see one doctor! If I am going to do that, then you need to help with more of the bills or switch your car insurance to mine or something to help out b/c I can't do it all,' etc. etc.

Now, let me just say that I ALREADY pay every bill with the exception of rent ($1200 - most of you know the story of my ILs and how they think they are giving us SUCH a break on rent) and National Grid ($191). I pay LIPA, our cell phone bill, Cablevision (which is also our phone & internet) and the water bill ON TOP OF paying all MY own personal bills like my car and credit cards and all.

Clearly, I thought we'd worked all this out, but apparently I am not doing enough?? The thing with the car insurance is that mine is under my mom's name so I can get her homeowner's discount (even though I no longer live there). DH gets no discounts, so he wants me to put it under my own name so we can go on 1 policy. If it is truly bothering him THAT much, I will do it, but it's a pain b/c my car is also under my mom's name. It's a lot of paperwork that I don't want to do, but I guess it's bothering him since all this just exploded tonight!!!

The other thing is, a few days ago, he asked me why I never tried to get a job like at Stonybrook or something owned by the state, since the benefits are so good, etc. His mom & sister both work at Stonybrook, and he feels sure his mom can get me a job there if I wanted. I asked him at the time why HE was asking... I said, 'I never thought my job was an issue?' He said that it isn't, but I haven't been able to forget that convo, and now this convo tonight...

I just feel like he thinks I don't make enough, or do enough, or contribute enough, or something... but it all just seems like it came out of nowhere!!! We need to have a long talk but I don't know when b/c I rarely see him Monday-Wednesday... Thursday night might be the first opportunity for us to have such a discussion and I really don't want to wait that long

The irony here is that I ask him all the time, 'What if I got pregnant right now? We would SO not be okay financially!' Every time, he swears to me that we would be fine... yet he came out with this tonight??????? How does that make sense?!

UCK! Thanks for listening/reading... I really just needed to vent. Please feel free to share any advice! I'll let you know what happens after we do eventually talk things out.

I just want to give you a BIG .

I think that these economic times have everyone on edge and worrying about finances so please know that you guys are totally the norm and it is stressful one bill after another UGH!

The thing that took me a little getting used to is that it is OUR money...DH has no problem with this but for me it was wierd.

I think each couple works out their finances differently, but you need to sit down and figure out a system that works for you both and that your both comfortable with.

Does DH make a lot more than you? Has your salary been an issue before? Im asking bc he broght up the Stony Brook job, is this something your interested in or did he mention it out of no where?

Again I think getting married and combining everything is hard enough then add in the lay off buzz all around and the recession talk and people start to stress ugh! Im sorry your going through this hun


ETA: The fact that they want 200 more from his check is crazyness...health care in this country is apalling...thank god I work for NYC and dont have this issue but so many, too many people do....Heres hoping Obama can work to make health care better for us..!!!!!

Wow! Seems like you guys need to sit down and really talk about all these issues. Obviously these things are bothering him but in the heat of the moment is not the time to bring them up because it blindsided you. It sounds like you've talked about some of those things you have touched on but maybe you need to talk about them in more depth. It seems like this is putting stress on your relationship but I'm sure you can work it all out.

dh and i have had plenty of fights about money, so i understand how you feel. It seems like you guys are both contributing a lot, and take care of your responsibilities. It's not like you're spending money on fancy luxury items and giving him an attitude about it! I agree with the AP that times are tough and the economy is putting stress on all of us. Definitely talk after you both calm down and discuss what bothers you about your finances and come up with solutions together.

First if you like your job than that is wonderful..I realluy believe that this is so important I enjoy what I do and it makes the difference. Quality of life is very important.

I think that DH was prob. in a bad mood and blew up....when your both calm maybe you want to bring it up...and try to air out both your concerns. Obviously these convos are not easy...personally I would be offended if DH questioned my career (bc I love it) it sounds like you might feel this way which is totally normal

Dh and I are having some growing pains about money too. The OUR idea when it comes to money is hard to adjust too. It sounds as if your DH is having some stress over money and really didnt know how to communicate that to you.

i think we have all had our share of money issues with the economy so bad and spouses being laid off, i wouldnt take anything he said SO personally im sure its out of frustration....i hope u guys work things out! dont cry!

So sorry Marisa DH and I have issues about money sometimes too - I pay most of our bills and he pays for most of the rent plus whenever we go out ... he refuses to see it as OUR money and insists on giving me CASH or a check to pay rent instead of just transferring the $ online from his account to our joint account (which was a big move for him, to open a joint acct. but we had to to deposit our wedding gifts). We all have issues. I just hope they work out soon, for all of us!!!!

Aww Marisa

Sounds like he's been bottling this up and just exploded last night. If this is really bothering him, he should have said something to you in a nicer way (calmer too).
Thursday isn't that far away. It will give you and him a chance to calm down and then hopefully go over everything rationally.

GL!

would it be cheaper for you to go a non participating doctor and pay a monthly bill than to have to deal with him being a butt head to you???

I think he is feeling the pressure maybe. MAybe everything right now is just stressful for him??? Are you guys trying to buy a house soon? Or think about having a kid soon? Maybe he just needs to relax and undersand that things will be okay. $200 in the grand scheme of things isn't that much money.

If it really is going to be an issue, maybe you can go and just pay them monthly. Or I know some insurance plans offer a discount towards non participating providers. Like, they will pay a certain amount of the bill, but not alot to help out a little. ? I hope you guys figure it out :( Sorry your so upset hun.

Money issues are a difficult topic to discuss.
It is even more difficult when you still think of it as yours and mine instead of ours.

It took over a year for DH and I to combine our finances. DH readily admits that he su cks when it comes to money management and that he does spend frivilously (no more trips to Mohegan or AC). I am more cautious with spending, frugal rather than cheap. He turned over all of the financial responsibitlity to me, but I discuss with him what I do and what our plans for saving are.
DH makes more money than I do, and also has the opportunity for over-time pay. I don't. He also spends more than I do and has hardly anything saved.

Bottom line is that we balance each other, and we trust each other to be financially mature. At this point in our lives, we are getting closer to retirement and don't have as much time to build our finances from scratch.

As for the increased cost for family plan insurance, that's alot of money out of pocket. Would it be less if you went to this particular doctor out of network and just paid out of pocket expenses ?

The car insurance - if you and DH combine your cars under the same insurance, then you can get a multi-policy discount. Add on a renter's policy and the poilcy that covers your e-ring, you've got some nice discounts. May be worth sitting with an agent or two to get a price quote. No obligation to buy the policy.

Good luck and I hope that the two of you can come to a good understanding.

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Posted by lizzie217

The thing that took me a little getting used to is that it is OUR money...DH has no problem with this but for me it was wierd.

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i was going to say this as well - i hear a lot about how the $200 xtra a paycheck will effect HIM, but in the big picture, it will effect BOTH of you!!

this concept took a while for my DH to get used to as well, but when you look at it - if something costs $200 extra out of my paycheck, that effects how much is put towards bills and food - which effects DH as well

i went through something simular when i got a new job & the insurance didnt kick in for 6 months... i still wanted to be covered, but the COBRA that was offered from my previous job was $400 a month obviously, that would be coming from BOTH our monies, so we opted not to. i went with GHI which was $200 a month... a much better option for BOTH of us!

anyways, remind him that its not ME and YOU anymore, its US! good luck

Im sorry Marisa I think that maybe you should have a conversation regarding the bigger picture- that its no longer him and you. I think if you combined everything and figured out what the best solution is for you as a couple, that might be easier. If not, you are pitted against each other in a sense, and that is very difficult (JMO) I cant speak for everyone, but i know we are faced with financial difficulties in this time as well. I hope it gets better for everyone soon. Good luck

Hey - so sorry about this...but I wanted to share some stories/advice that may help.

First - My DH would probably not change our plans if it were more $$. Unless if I were going to stop working after the baby and be on his insurance anyway...then it would make sense to go on early. So I am not trying to take sides but I just see his point...$200 is alot. Can your sister recommend anyone else? Also maybe they take out of network insurance. FOr instance...many doctors do this and you will have to pick up a portion of the cost. It could get pricey though if you get pregnant and need to go for sonograms alot, etc..so I dont really recommend this option.

Second - about the job thing. Can you make more at Stonybrook? Ok we went through something similiar. When we moved here and I took a job transfer and the salary was pretty low. But it was immediate work and I ended up really like it. We didnt think we'd live here for that long (because DH gets transferred alot) but after a year we found out we were staying and he said I should look for a better job. I was so torn because I love my job but he helped me to realize I was worth more and once I put my resume out there I was shocked to see the offers that were coming in...they were HUGE! Low and behold I stayed at my job because they counter offered but I realized I was worth more and it is so great to make more money now. I am not saying this is the answer for you but just think about it.

Hugs for you!!!

I know this has nothing to do with what you are talking about, but it might help a little. Joey and I had seperate car insurance. As soon as we got married we combined. Alone, my car insurance was $220 and DH's was $150. Once we combined it, it went to $240. You get a discount for being married, etc. If you can save $150 or so somewhere, maybe that will help you go on his insurance.

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Posted by yelley77

Hugs for you!!!

I know this has nothing to do with what you are talking about, but it might help a little. Joey and I had seperate car insurance. As soon as we got married we combined. Alone, my car insurance was $220 and DH's was $150. Once we combined it, it went to $240. You get a discount for being married, etc. If you can save $150 or so somewhere, maybe that will help you go on his insurance.

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This is such a good point! Same thing happened for us. It saved us a lot of money. And if you have seperate cell phone bills, or stuff like that, combining them saves money.