Just had a fight w/ DH - money related - LONG

Original post by RisiLeigh

Jan 19, 2009 08:59 PM

When I say we had a fight - that means him getting angry and raising his voice and me just crying - that is what our 'fights' are like

Anyway...

We have been tossing around the idea of me going on his insurance. I need to switch to an OB/GYN out here in Centereach, and the group my SIL wants me going to (she's a labor & delivery nurse at Stonybrook so I totally value her opinion) doesn't take my medical, but they take his. The cost for him to switch to the family plan at this time is just obscene - $200 per PAYCHECK - and we just cannot afford it.

I guess I must've said something he didn't like, or something, b/c he then turned it into, 'I am NOT going to lose $200 from my paycheck just so you can see one doctor! If I am going to do that, then you need to help with more of the bills or switch your car insurance to mine or something to help out b/c I can't do it all,' etc. etc.

Now, let me just say that I ALREADY pay every bill with the exception of rent ($1200 - most of you know the story of my ILs and how they think they are giving us SUCH a break on rent) and National Grid ($191). I pay LIPA, our cell phone bill, Cablevision (which is also our phone & internet) and the water bill ON TOP OF paying all MY own personal bills like my car and credit cards and all.

Clearly, I thought we'd worked all this out, but apparently I am not doing enough?? The thing with the car insurance is that mine is under my mom's name so I can get her homeowner's discount (even though I no longer live there). DH gets no discounts, so he wants me to put it under my own name so we can go on 1 policy. If it is truly bothering him THAT much, I will do it, but it's a pain b/c my car is also under my mom's name. It's a lot of paperwork that I don't want to do, but I guess it's bothering him since all this just exploded tonight!!!

The other thing is, a few days ago, he asked me why I never tried to get a job like at Stonybrook or something owned by the state, since the benefits are so good, etc. His mom & sister both work at Stonybrook, and he feels sure his mom can get me a job there if I wanted. I asked him at the time why HE was asking... I said, 'I never thought my job was an issue?' He said that it isn't, but I haven't been able to forget that convo, and now this convo tonight...

I just feel like he thinks I don't make enough, or do enough, or contribute enough, or something... but it all just seems like it came out of nowhere!!! We need to have a long talk but I don't know when b/c I rarely see him Monday-Wednesday... Thursday night might be the first opportunity for us to have such a discussion and I really don't want to wait that long

The irony here is that I ask him all the time, 'What if I got pregnant right now? We would SO not be okay financially!' Every time, he swears to me that we would be fine... yet he came out with this tonight??????? How does that make sense?!

UCK! Thanks for listening/reading... I really just needed to vent. Please feel free to share any advice! I'll let you know what happens after we do eventually talk things out.

yelley77 Posted: Jan 20, 2009 11:20 AM

Re: Just had a fight w/ DH - money related - LONG

Posted by CD516

Posted by yelley77

Hugs for you!!!

I know this has nothing to do with what you are talking about, but it might help a little. Joey and I had seperate car insurance. As soon as we got married we combined. Alone, my car insurance was $220 and DH's was $150. Once we combined it, it went to $240. You get a discount for being married, etc. If you can save $150 or so somewhere, maybe that will help you go on his insurance.
This is such a good point! Same thing happened for us. It saved us a lot of money. And if you have seperate cell phone bills, or stuff like that, combining them saves money.

TRUE. DH and i combined plans and we both went from spending $50 each a month so the main line being $50 and the second line being $9.99

RisiLeigh Posted: Jan 20, 2009 11:48 AM

Re: Just had a fight w/ DH - money related - LONG

Posted by yelley77

Hugs for you!!!

I know this has nothing to do with what you are talking about, but it might help a little. Joey and I had seperate car insurance. As soon as we got married we combined. Alone, my car insurance was $220 and DH's was $150. Once we combined it, it went to $240. You get a discount for being married, etc. If you can save $150 or so somewhere, maybe that will help you go on his insurance.

The thing w/ the car insurance is that I am already getting a major discount b/c its under my mom's name and her name is also associated w/ Statefarm's homeowners insurance so my car insurance is a pretty good rate. DH doesn't get any discount at all, which is why he wants me to change it to my name so we can combine, so we can both benefit. It's a LOT of paperwork, b/c the car is also in my mom's name, so I opted not to do it for laziness purposes, really LOL - hey I am being honest. But, if it's this huge an issue for DH than I will just do it!

RisiLeigh Posted: Jan 20, 2009 11:52 AM

Re: Just had a fight w/ DH - money related - LONG

Posted by Jenn04

Hey - so sorry about this...but I wanted to share some stories/advice that may help.

First - My DH would probably not change our plans if it were more $$. Unless if I were going to stop working after the baby and be on his insurance anyway...then it would make sense to go on early. So I am not trying to take sides but I just see his point...$200 is alot. Can your sister recommend anyone else? Also maybe they take out of network insurance. FOr instance...many doctors do this and you will have to pick up a portion of the cost. It could get pricey though if you get pregnant and need to go for sonograms alot, etc..so I dont really recommend this option.

Second - about the job thing. Can you make more at Stonybrook? Ok we went through something similiar. When we moved here and I took a job transfer and the salary was pretty low. But it was immediate work and I ended up really like it. We didnt think we'd live here for that long (because DH gets transferred alot) but after a year we found out we were staying and he said I should look for a better job. I was so torn because I love my job but he helped me to realize I was worth more and once I put my resume out there I was shocked to see the offers that were coming in...they were HUGE! Low and behold I stayed at my job because they counter offered but I realized I was worth more and it is so great to make more money now. I am not saying this is the answer for you but just think about it.

Thanks, Jenn! I actually AGREE with DH that its not worth me going on his insurance right now. Once we have kids and all, then its much more worth it to switch to the family plan. My SIL will recommend some docs that are covered under my medical insurance. I am sure they won't be her top choices but oh well. We have to do what's better for us at this point in time.

I honestly have no idea what I could make at another job. I have a BS degree in Elementary Ed but have no desire to teach, so I've been mostly in Admin Asst types of positions, which I love. His mom does something Admin-like at Stonybrook and so that's where this whole thing came from. And b/c it's state-run, he says the benefits would be great, etc. I just really love my job, and I am so not motivated to leave right now...

Like I said, DH and I definitely need to have a long chat!!!