Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Xelindrya
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Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Do you want one? I do, but every time I think about I feel like I’m 18 and having a child will make me all grown up and responsible.
We’re too poor to have a kid. We can barely feed ourselves, literally. How are we supposed to have a kid? I mean Jim wants one too, but he feels like we aren’t ready either. Point is neither of us really WANT to have a kid but at the same time want a child, does that make sense?
I’m going to be 30 this year, he’s going to be 32. We don’t have forever to wait around. We both wan to raise a child with time to have fun and do stuff with them. We both love children and want at least one.
But is there EVER a good time?
We started talking last night about planning to start TTC next year, but even TALKING about it seems impossible. I’m back in college, I’m still figuring out my job scenario, I work so far from home, who’s gonna take care of the kid (This is a BIGGIE). We can’t afford a new car, but we expect to pay for child care and the basic (expensive) costs of a child?
At one point I said “can’t we just have a child and send it to my father’s for the first 5 years?” I have no family here, his mother works so I can’t count on that, this grandmothers too old.
Anyone feel like it’s just not meant to be?
Rainmama
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
We were by no means trying when I got pregnant. We weren't financially stable. Heck, we barely even knew each other. But, it was the best 'mistake' we ever made. Everything has worked itself out. Some times have been a struggle, some times we have been in utter ecstasy. Having a baby is a miracle that you shouldn't let pass by because you think you don't have enough money, too old, work too much...etc. In the big picture, all these things don't matter. If you want a baby, then DO IT!!! You will most likely regret not having one later in life, when it's too late. I'd say 'throw caution to the wind' and do what really is going to make you and your husband happy...and it sounds like starting a family is just that.
casey31
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
I agree! I say that if you want a baby then go for it- if you and your DH will love it and give it your best, I really believe the rest will work out!
I just turned 30 in October and we want to try this coming fall/winter when I'm 31. We're both really nervous about money but I'm planning on working so I think we'll be okay......I know we'll be sooo tired and stressed but we want children so badly I know it will be worth the exhaustion!
dpli
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
I think if your relationship is strong and you both want a baby, then everything will work out. I would recommend that you finish school first, if that is important to you. It is easy to put that on the back burner and not go back later on for a variety of reasons.
Xelindrya
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
schools YEARS away from being finished.
We really can't save up enough to take care of a child.
tourist
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
well, think of this way. You're only 30. You don't seem set on a big family, so you could wait 2 years before you start trying. Do you think anything will change fninacially for you in that timne? If so, then wait. If not, are you willing to let the the opportunity pass you by? I know this is WAY practical & cold , but maybe talign to a fincaila planner will give you a better idea wha t your financial life would be like with a child.
KarenB
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Xelindrya, I agree w/you. There are certain things that need to add up. Unfortunatley there are no baby sittter fairies to watch your child or daycare fairies to pay the cost. I feel your pain. DH and I aren't sure what we want but these things do come into play.
Xelindrya
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Posted by tourist
I know this is WAY practical & cold , but maybe talign to a fincaila planner will give you a better idea wha t your financial life would be like with a child.
Jim works FOR a finanical planner (or as they like to be called 'wealth managers')
THAT is why we're worried and hesitant!
dpli
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
I just wanted to say I admire your honesty and the fact that you are putting so much thought into what is best for you as a couple and a family. I am 37- I honestly am not sure what will happen with us either, and I am trying to finish up school (which I have been doing forever.) Good luck - it is atough decision.
tourist
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Posted by Xelindrya
Posted by tourist
I know this is WAY practical & cold , but maybe talign to a fincaila planner will give you a better idea wha t your financial life would be like with a child.
Jim works FOR a finanical planner (or as they like to be called 'wealth managers')
Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
im going to be 33 this year and dh will be 32 and i honestly dont know when we will start. i too feel so far away from ready but know that we cant wait forever. i have asked many people the question 'where you ready when you had your first child' most of the people that i asked said no way and didnt think that anyone is every truly ready so we arent alone lol. we first said that we would wait untill we bought our house but now its after we finish the renovation i think that im looking for excuses because the thought of being someones mom frankly scares the hell out of me lol. im going to have to face my fear soon and realize that being a mom doesnt mean that i will turn into my mom lol. so as it stands now it looks like we might start officially trying at the end of this year but that unless i come up with a good excuse or just stop being a chicken. i know ill be a good mother i was raised by a good woman so i have to stop letting my mind wander and convice myself that i wont have kids like my sisters yikes...........
christy
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Ok, I am going to say something different here. I feel that having a baby is a big responsibility. If you dont feel that you have the money etc...then you might want to wait. Yes, there may never be a great time to have a baby, but I suggest that you are as stable finacially as you possibly can be. Would it still work out..sure it would, But, I grew up with parents who struggled and just werent ready financially and it was hard on me. Just my opinion. I hope I didnt offend you.
SeptWed
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Posted by christy
Ok, I am going to say something different here. I feel that having a baby is a big responsibility. If you dont feel that you have the money etc...then you might want to wait. Yes, there may never be a great time to have a baby, but I suggest that you are as stable finacially as you possibly can be. Would it still work out..sure it would, But, I grew up with parents who struggled and just werent ready financially and it was hard on me. Just my opinion. I hope I didnt offend you.
You don't offend anyone....i agree totaly with you.....I feel that there are people who make 'mistakes' (or gifts as i like to call them) and don't have the means to do anything and make it work and things turn out great for them. THen there are people who get preggo who are either trying to keep the man around, thinking having a baby is 'FUN', or something like that. Those are the people I don't think are ready.
As for me, i am almost 30 and i want to wait. We have the house, we lived together for three years and we are married. I enjoy my time with him, and trust me we can't wait to have a baby...but we want this time as OUR TIME. We have even talked about having the kid because we have everything we need, and you know what....right now i am so estatic to be married to this man that i want to enjoy every minute with him, and then we will start with our miracle.
Don't be upset abotu being 30 and not sure if you want a kid....THIS IS A BIG DECISION....my cousin has been married 8 years and is pregnant with her first at 39....make sure its right....and make sure you are not having a baby to make the relationship better.......
In the end...its a personal decision...don't ever feel like you should have a baby because that is what society says and not where you are in life...IT IS A HUGE DECISION...
mrswask
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
I have similar thoughts to a lot of you in terms of not being ready financially, emotionally, or in any other way - but starting to worry because of age - I will be 32 in the summer. I am so not ready now but don't know how long I should wait. I also feel, because of different health reasons, that I won't have the easiest time conceiving and am scared to wait other year or two to start trying and then it take a few years to get preggers.
Xelindrya
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Posted by christy
Ok, I am going to say something different here. I feel that having a baby is a big responsibility. If you dont feel that you have the money etc...then you might want to wait. Yes, there may never be a great time to have a baby, but I suggest that you are as stable finacially as you possibly can be. Would it still work out..sure it would, But, I grew up with parents who struggled and just werent ready financially and it was hard on me. Just my opinion. I hope I didnt offend you.
No offense taken. Thats my point.. no offense to the lucky girls here... I had it all for a bit then it was taken away. Growing up dirt poor (literally eating canned foods) has made me a stronger person and it's also made me very appreciative of my life and what I have.
Being that I grew up so poor and struggled to move up, I don't want my children to experience the same. There is a very clear division of those with and without means.
I will NEVER be financial ready as I want to be. It's a big part of my concern, but the care of my child is the most important. I wont quit my job, I know this, but I want my child to have a happy life. To smile, laugh, play and be a kid. I don't want the stress of juggling school, work and commute to affect Mommy time.
I don't have family here. I would never have a baby shower. Heck the only reason I had a bach party was the girl at the office wanted a reason to go out and drink. I only knew two girls at my bach party.
I am... unsupported here. That makes having a child harder. I dunno.. its all so hard.
Thanks for letting me vent and worry and thanks for letting me know Im not the only one. I really do appreciate it.
I had horrible mothers (biological and step). I have been waiting my whole life to give a child the love I never had .. to be 'Mom' and to know they love me and don't fear or hate me.
nov.bride
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
HOnestly, I don't think most people are EVER ready financially. ( the way they invision themselves to be)
That being said emotionally is another story. It sounds like you 2 are working on some goals- like you with school. I would work on that for a while. Maybe give yourselves a year or 2 - if it did happen before that I am sure it would work out in the long run. I have heard that 9 months gives you time to get your stuff together.
We have been together for 8 years - finacially we are ok- still have a ways to go, but we would have a lot of help from his family if I continue to work after having a baby. ( which I would need to do) But we were never sure until now that this is the right time.
My friend had her baby with her family living in another country, just buying a new house ( finding renters 2 family), Working as a flight attendant and having to be away( finding babysitters who can deal with irregular hours and she is so happy and feels it was the best decision she ever made. It all fell into place.
My point is keep tossing around the idea, work on where you 2 want to be ( goal wise ) and when you pass that 50% goal point in your lives start to think about getting pregnant.
I hope I am making sense- if not I am sorry I should be in bed
brideinapril
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
I have to agree with some of the other ladies, Rainmama for one, like her, my son was not planned, but it was the best 'mistake' I ever made. I, however ended up being a single mom for his first 5 years, it was difficult Veronica, but I did it. I am not rich, I make an 'okay' living. I had no help, (via social services or the likes). I was not ready to tackle this on my own, but hey, thats what life threw at me. I took it and ran. I have the best little boy in the world and I would never change a thing. I struggled, but we had each other. I live on Long Island in Suffolk County, its very expensive for everything. I'm not saying its easy to raise a child, but my point is that I don't think you will ever be fully ready. I think you just have to follow your heart and if its telling you to have a child than do it. Everything else will work itself out. I promise it will.
ambersmom
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
I was in the same boat as you all. 32, working two jobs, struggling with finances, bills, etc. I wasn't speaking to my inlaws at that point so I couldn't count on any type of support from them. That combined with my own insecurities about becoming a mother; not wanting to 'grow' up or be mature. Taking into account all the sacrifices, etc. I wasn't trying-trying per say when I got pregnant, but I wasn't completely preventing it either. I was off the pill, etc. Let me tell you - I still work as hard as ever maintaining everything (house, bills, etc.) AND have a beautiful blessing of a baby. Any sacrifice I have to make at this point, I do willingly and without complaint. I have never looked on her as a burden or an inconvenience. So, I don't get to go out with my friends late; so I don't have any extra cash (tell me a time outside of living at Mom's when I did). You get by. If you're resourceful enough, the costs of a baby aren't as staggering as you think. If you go out to eat at least one time a week, there's the money you'll need to diaper and feed your baby. People think there's this HUGE sticker shock with a baby and that you need every XYZ gadget that is out there for them. I look around at half the crap I do have for her (and thankfully they were gifts that were very generously given) and she doesn't need half of it. It's society that makes us think we need EVERYTHING for the baby when really the basics are all they require.
pschica
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Posted by Xelindrya
Do you want one? I do, but every time I think about I feel like I’m 18 and having a child will make me all grown up and responsible.
We’re too poor to have a kid. We can barely feed ourselves, literally. How are we supposed to have a kid? I mean Jim wants one too, but he feels like we aren’t ready either. Point is neither of us really WANT to have a kid but at the same time want a child, does that make sense?
I’m going to be 30 this year, he’s going to be 32. We don’t have forever to wait around. We both wan to raise a child with time to have fun and do stuff with them. We both love children and want at least one.
But is there EVER a good time?
We started talking last night about planning to start TTC next year, but even TALKING about it seems impossible. I’m back in college, I’m still figuring out my job scenario, I work so far from home, who’s gonna take care of the kid (This is a BIGGIE). We can’t afford a new car, but we expect to pay for child care and the basic (expensive) costs of a child?
At one point I said “can’t we just have a child and send it to my father’s for the first 5 years?” I have no family here, his mother works so I can’t count on that, this grandmothers too old.
Anyone feel like it’s just not meant to be?
i feel like you sometimes too....its so hard...i posted about it last week on parenting!
spazybride04
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Re: Ladies at or around 30 married a year or so... BABY QUESTION!!
Posted by Rainmama
We were by no means trying when I got pregnant. We weren't financially stable. Heck, we barely even knew each other. But, it was the best 'mistake' we ever made. Everything has worked itself out. Some times have been a struggle, some times we have been in utter ecstasy. Having a baby is a miracle that you shouldn't let pass by because you think you don't have enough money, too old, work too much...etc. In the big picture, all these things don't matter. If you want a baby, then DO IT!!! You will most likely regret not having one later in life, when it's too late. I'd say 'throw caution to the wind' and do what really is going to make you and your husband happy...and it sounds like starting a family is just that.
I couldn't have said it better myself.. I look at it this way, We're never going to be 'financially' ready... you just have to be ready physically and emotionally.... It'll all work out.... good luck
