Need advice...

How do you and your DH deal with family events, esp holidays???

ETA: Just deleting details in case of lurkers...

IMO, I would go to PA.

You can totally do the 2.5 hour drive....I have driven over 12 hour by myself.

I would go Saturday night and come home on Sunday evening. Just drink some coffee, listen to music and talk on the phone. The drive will go quickly.

Marriage is about compromise and it doesn't seem like your DH wants to compromise on this issue. So maybe if you go to PA he will get the point that he will have to compromise.

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Posted by nraboni

IMO, I would go to PA.

You can totally do the 2.5 hour drive....I have driven over 12 hour by myself.

I would go Saturday night and come home on Sunday evening. Just drink some coffee, listen to music and talk on the phone. The drive will go quickly.

Marriage is about compromise and it doesn't seem like your DH wants to compromise on this issue. So maybe if you go to PA he will get the point that he will have to compromise.

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ITA and hope that it will help get the point across

I've done long drives on my own and its not that bad at all, it's actually a little relaxing to me

We split holidays. Like my mother always does Thanksgiving so we go there & we go to his fam xmas eve mine on Xmas day & then easter is his fam & then so on. but alot of the times My family & his family get together. For Easter this year was at my sisters & they came. It was really nice to have everyone together. So we have been doing that alot either at my fams or his. If not then sometimes we will have dinner etc with oneside & then go to other side for dessert. It works out well.

I would discuss thi soption with your DH. See what he says. Sorry this is a problem for you guys. But you definitely should spend time with yourside as well.

we dont have this problem since my family is in FL. But they do come up here for Xmas so DH know and his family understands that Xmas is with my family.

When we di have both families to go to we did the lunch here, dinner here type of thing and it got really difficult since DH's parents are divorced.

Your DH needs to compromise and start it now cause it will only get worse when there are kids involved. I think you need to sit down with DH and discuss this again....and truthfully it doesn't matter how each family celecbrates the holiday.....you could sit in a closet for all that matters its just about finding the best way to see both families

It's such a shame that he isn't willing to compromise and split holidays. this could really potentially be a long term problem down the road. what happens when you have kids?

He is being selfish. i'm sorry to say... but VERY VERY selfish IMHO. And selfish behavior is never attractive so I don't blame you one bit for not even wanting to look at him or speak to him.

This is the way your family celebrates holiday's. And just because they aren't the same as his... doesn't mean you aren't celebrating them just the same. that's just ridiculous to think otherwise.

I think the only fair thing to do is split holidays. If he doesn't want to ... then you split them. He's the only one who will look bad. Spend one with your fam then one with his and then one with yours and go back and forth. And when kids are involved (if that's your plan) then have them split the holiday's with you too. Let him be selfish all he wants. i think both families will actually see it.

I'm sorry. I know this must be a really difficult situation to be in.

PS and I say you do this one in PA too!!!

ITA with the other girls!!

my bros wifes fam lives in pa..

so for xmas.. they drive to pa the23rd..and they spend it there..and the 25th they come over to my house and spend it with us.

why can tu do that/ im sure your dad would love to see u the day or 2 before farthers day..and your dh wont have an excuse not to go.

and the actual holiday u can spend it at the country club. so technically u spend 2 nights with ur fam...and just 1 afternooon with his.

it sound slike a lot..but 2.5 hrs is not bad a few times a yr.

holidays are really hard for us because we have my 2 sets of parents and then DH's parents

for holidays like easter, thanksgiving, etc we decidied to alternate years. basically my dad gets the shaft bc he goes to my step moms family's house so we alternate between my mom/step dad and the IL's.

xmas we do xmas eve with my family and the xmas day with the ILs. We try to do the day after with my dad depending on what day xmas falls...or we do it the weekend before/after. Its a ton of traveling for us because our families are all over the place but we realy want to see everyone.

other holidays like fathers day and mothers day etc we really just play it by ear but try to compromise and see them when we can.

can u see one family for father's day and then make it up to the other dad the week after or day after? I am sure ur dad's will understand that its hard to split time.

Well as far as going alone... I always fall asleep in the car as a passenger but its different when you drive.

He needs to compromise. Its really wrong that his family always takes priority. We have it tough because we are both really close with his family and his is in NJ. We work it out. We compromise as best we can. His family isn't always happy about our decisions but we try hard to make it fair. My parents are a big help though as they try to be flexible.

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Posted by KerriJohnS

It's such a shame that he isn't willing to compromise and split holidays. this could really potentially be a long term problem down the road. what happens when you have kids?

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This is a really good point. This may be a stressful situation now - but it will be even MORE difficult when you have children. This is an issue that need to be resolved now - in the beginning stages of the marriage.

I would do the drive. I have been driving all over since I was 18 so 2.5 hrs is a drop in the bucket. I do that now living upstate & driving to see my parents, brother, other family down on LI- so outside of getting stuck in the crazy LI traffic sometimes - it goes pretty quickly. Bring some good CD's to keep you pumped, and some water & maybe either some cut up fresh fruit &/or veggies to keep you going for the ride.

Fortunately I dont have to worry too much about this b/c my IL's live in FL as well - so w/ the exception of 1 year when we were dating & they came up for Thanksgiving, we never had to worry about it. But since DH & I have had our home we had started our own tradition of having Thanksgiving at our home and then we always go to my parents for Xmas, & my cousin's for Easter. This seems to work out pretty well.

Do you & DH live in an apt, a house? Is it an option to host a holiday here or there @ your place & have everyone come to you? Just trying to think of some 'compromises' that may help the situation, but still - you shouldnt be expected to go alone anywhere - I'd be pretty PO'ed if my DH wouldnt come with me to my family's.

Good luck, stay strong & go do the drive - maybe by taking a stand your DH will see that this is no longer a single-person relationship....

I agree that I would go to PA but I agree that you all should try to find a way to sort it our before it becomes some crazy thing in the future bc it's not really sustainable the way it is. . IMO DH really needs to compromise. . of course we all want to be with our families but we can't always get it. .

I might suggest talking about it when there's not an actualy holiday there. . like there's no pressure for a decision just about well what will we do. . though it sounds like he's not ready to talk so I don't know. .

but you def should get to be with your family too!!

could you all ever host something and have people over there? that way no one misses family?

Holidays are very dificuly once you are married & are even harder once you have children. Maybe a good idea for this Fathers Day would be for you to go with your family & him to go with his.

Then within the next couple of weeks you & DH should sit down & discuss your holiday plans so it doens't turn into an argument every year.

For us, we spend Fathers Day with my family because DHs dad passed away a couple of years ago.
Meanwhile, for Mothers Day, we go in the morning, to see his mom & grandmother & then have dinner with my family.

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Posted by meara


I agree that I would go to PA but I agree that you all should try to find a way to sort it our before it becomes some crazy thing in the future bc it's not really sustainable the way it is. . IMO DH really needs to compromise. . of course we all want to be with our families but we can't always get it. .

I might suggest talking about it when there's not an actualy holiday there. . like there's no pressure for a decision just about well what will we do. . though it sounds like he's not ready to talk so I don't know. .

but you def should get to be with your family too!!

could you all ever host something and have people over there? that way no one misses family?

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ita with all of this

Thank you so so much ladies!! You really did calm me down last night.

Update:

I went to bed last night and wouldn't even look at him and made it obvious. I just fell asleep. Then this morning, I left the house without saying good bye or anything (he is still asleep when I leave for work), but I made sure to go up and down the stairs multiple times to make sure he knew I was leaving.

Of course it was on my mind all day long, but I finally made a decision, to an extent. I appreciate everyone's input, but I was weighing pros and cons. As of last night, I was totally going to PA on Saturday, but when my head was a little clearer today, the stress I felt when thinking about the drive alone was just too much and my mom even said not to do it and that she would worry. She also told me that my brother couldn't go, so we could just do Father's Day with EVERYONE another day next week.

So, I have decided not to go to PA. Aside from that, i did see my Dad after work today and saw my whole family since I didn't feel like going home. I finally got home a little after 6 to a husband who wouldn't speak to me (both of us were very nasty in what we said in our arguments yesterday). So, I took a nap (I had spent the afternoon helping my sister and her DH move everything from their second floor to the first including furniture because they're having construction starting Monday). Now, I can gauge DH's attitude when this stuff happens, because if he had no intention of speaking to me, he wouldn't help make dinner, but he did. And he also said a few sentences here and there...of course not about the hot topic. He also made some gestures of being ready to make up (and no, not that way ladies...)

Oh, in addition, when weighing out the pros and cons, if I were to go to PA, I know I would be there with my Dad, but if this happens again, DH would just feel it's going to be a routine for me to do everything alone and I will not allow that to happen!

So, at this point, things are ok. ITA that we have to talk about it and come to a compromise...this just isn't a good time to bring it up. I will most likely not go to the country club anyway, and probably just go out with my brother I will make a stand that I'm not doing his family all of the time but still not be alone.

Anyway, I appreciate all of your opinions and I don't want anyone to be offended that I didn't go to PA even though most of you suggested I should. I really appreciate what all of you have said and thank you for truly calming me down from this upsetting situation.

I will be approaching this subject again with DH when there's no holidays and we are on good terms (ya know, when there's some sense!!!)

I really can't thank you all enough!! You really got me through this!!

ETA: After rereading everything, I know I made him sound so nasty, but he really is a doll and it's just a touchy subject for both of us. Like I told someone else, we really become nasty beasts when arguing about this. I truly love him but we just need to resolve this ASAP because it kills us every time a holiday comes up!