Need Advice... MIL issues...so upset

Sweetie, you're not alone. I never liked my MIL but I tolerated her for Dh and the wedding. She was the same way, wanting to know our every move, how much money we had in the bank, what our bills looked like, etc. But after the wedding she said some very hurtful things to DH about me, us, our wedding and my family. So I wrote her off. I simply do not talk to her anymore. I let DH have his own relationship with her. Granted, they're not talking right now either because she's acting like a child, but I know they will some day and that's fine. I just don't need it personally. Talk to your DH and make sure he knows how this is all making you feel. Let him talk to her and if she doesn't come around, don't talk to her. You married your DH, not her. He can have a relationship with her that is separate from you. This is a happy time in your life and you don't deserve to have someone make you unhappy because they're selfish. My life has been sooo much better since I stopped talking to my MIL. Feel free to FM me if you want to talk.

thanks.... usually when i tell him what his mom did, im either crying, or screaming
and i KNOW it hurts him to see me like that...but at the same time...im 'complaining' about the woman that gave birth to him...its such a tricky situation... i mean still i WANT to have a relationship with her...i want my future kids to know their grandmother....

i just argh HATE how she makes me feel...and her sneaky ways

Try writing it all out. I find that helps me. I have two emails sitting in my inbox to his mother and mine, but I'm not sending them. That's because it's just way beyond fixing at this point. But in your case, maybe write it all out and give it to your DH so he can truly understand how you feel without the emotions of you crying and screaming. Maybe some of the other girls will have other suggestions. But you definitely want to nip this in the butt now because when you have kids, you don't want it to affect them.

IM sorry and Im sure there will be some ladies on here that will NOT agree with me and that is fine.

There needs to be a line drawn with her and her relationship with DH. I gave this advice to a very close friend of mine recently. There is only so much of her you can handle-DH needs to be aware of what is going on. She has to remember way back in her time the woman doted on the men, we were responsible for cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. etc. but it really is no longer that day and age. Not saying it is wrong if a woman does this but today alot of woman DONT do all of these things.
DH needs to 'pick a side' he married you b/c he loves you and yes that is his mother-but he needs to tellher to step back or else...PERIOD! DH loves his mom and I thank God everyday that we get along very well~but on the rare occasion that she has crossed the line DH is the first one to step up adn tell her to watch her mouth. He is and will be the first one to say it and I truly believe that this is the way all HUSBANDS should think-for a time mom is your number one lady in their life....when you are married mom should be #2 regardless of how 'family' oriented they are.


ETA:This may be the problem-she still comes first or thinks she comes first and as long as he has her believing that she will always think her ways are right

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Posted by PegaLega

IM sorry and Im sure there will be some ladies on here that will NOT agree with me and that is fine.

There needs to be a line drawn with her and her relationship with DH. I gave this advice to a very close friend of mine recently. There is only so much of her you can handle-DH needs to be aware of what is going on. She has to remember way back in her time the woman doted on the men, we were responsible for cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. etc. but it really is no longer that day and age. Not saying it is wrong if a woman does this but today alot of woman DONT do all of these things.
DH needs to 'pick a side' he married you b/c he loves you and yes that is his mother-but he needs to tellher to step back or else...PERIOD! DH loves his mom and I thank God everyday that we get along very well~but on the rare occasion that she has crossed the line DH is the first one to step up adn tell her to watch her mouth. He is and will be the first one to say it and I truly believe that this is the way all HUSBANDS should think-for a time mom is your number one lady in their life....when you are married mom should be #2 regardless of how 'family' oriented they are.


ETA:This may be the problem-she still comes first or thinks she comes first and as long as he has her believing that she will always think her ways are right

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Couldn't have said it BETTER!!!

wow. im so sorry about all of this. NONE of this is her business. I would keep RIGID boundaries. I would be around her when I HAD to but otherwise, Id keep to myself, I wouldnt offer up any information. This can be horrible if DH feels like he has to be choosing who to side with. Let him love his mother and deal with her, you keep your distance if you need to in order to keep sane. But I agree with peg that DH needs to make it known to her that he is happy with how things are in your relationship, that she does not need to be concerned about it, and most of all that he is NOT okay with her speaking to you in any demeaning way or treating you badly. We're always here when you need to vent!!

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Posted by PegaLega

IM sorry and Im sure there will be some ladies on here that will NOT agree with me and that is fine.

There needs to be a line drawn with her and her relationship with DH. I gave this advice to a very close friend of mine recently. There is only so much of her you can handle-DH needs to be aware of what is going on. She has to remember way back in her time the woman doted on the men, we were responsible for cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. etc. but it really is no longer that day and age. Not saying it is wrong if a woman does this but today alot of woman DONT do all of these things.
DH needs to 'pick a side' he married you b/c he loves you and yes that is his mother-but he needs to tellher to step back or else...PERIOD! DH loves his mom and I thank God everyday that we get along very well~but on the rare occasion that she has crossed the line DH is the first one to step up adn tell her to watch her mouth. He is and will be the first one to say it and I truly believe that this is the way all HUSBANDS should think-for a time mom is your number one lady in their life....when you are married mom should be #2 regardless of how 'family' oriented they are.


ETA:This may be the problem-she still comes first or thinks she comes first and as long as he has her believing that she will always think her ways are right

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Amen!

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Posted by PegaLega

IM sorry and Im sure there will be some ladies on here that will NOT agree with me and that is fine.

There needs to be a line drawn with her and her relationship with DH. I gave this advice to a very close friend of mine recently. There is only so much of her you can handle-DH needs to be aware of what is going on. She has to remember way back in her time the woman doted on the men, we were responsible for cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. etc. but it really is no longer that day and age. Not saying it is wrong if a woman does this but today alot of woman DONT do all of these things.
DH needs to 'pick a side' he married you b/c he loves you and yes that is his mother-but he needs to tellher to step back or else...PERIOD! DH loves his mom and I thank God everyday that we get along very well~but on the rare occasion that she has crossed the line DH is the first one to step up adn tell her to watch her mouth. He is and will be the first one to say it and I truly believe that this is the way all HUSBANDS should think-for a time mom is your number one lady in their life....when you are married mom should be #2 regardless of how 'family' oriented they are.


ETA:This may be the problem-she still comes first or thinks she comes first and as long as he has her believing that she will always think her ways are right

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Agree 100%!!!!

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Posted by PegaLega

IM sorry and Im sure there will be some ladies on here that will NOT agree with me and that is fine.

There needs to be a line drawn with her and her relationship with DH. I gave this advice to a very close friend of mine recently. There is only so much of her you can handle-DH needs to be aware of what is going on. She has to remember way back in her time the woman doted on the men, we were responsible for cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. etc. but it really is no longer that day and age. Not saying it is wrong if a woman does this but today alot of woman DONT do all of these things.
DH needs to 'pick a side' he married you b/c he loves you and yes that is his mother-but he needs to tellher to step back or else...PERIOD! DH loves his mom and I thank God everyday that we get along very well~but on the rare occasion that she has crossed the line DH is the first one to step up adn tell her to watch her mouth. He is and will be the first one to say it and I truly believe that this is the way all HUSBANDS should think-for a time mom is your number one lady in their life....when you are married mom should be #2 regardless of how 'family' oriented they are.


ETA:This may be the problem-she still comes first or thinks she comes first and as long as he has her believing that she will always think her ways are right

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i could not have said it better. family DOES come first - and now YOU are his family, and you come first. end of story. if DH doesn't nip this in the bud now, and yes it's HIS responsibility to do so, then this will just cause bigger problems later on.

hope it all works out

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Posted by PegaLega

IM sorry and Im sure there will be some ladies on here that will NOT agree with me and that is fine.

There needs to be a line drawn with her and her relationship with DH. I gave this advice to a very close friend of mine recently. There is only so much of her you can handle-DH needs to be aware of what is going on. She has to remember way back in her time the woman doted on the men, we were responsible for cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. etc. but it really is no longer that day and age. Not saying it is wrong if a woman does this but today alot of woman DONT do all of these things.
DH needs to 'pick a side' he married you b/c he loves you and yes that is his mother-but he needs to tellher to step back or else...PERIOD! DH loves his mom and I thank God everyday that we get along very well~but on the rare occasion that she has crossed the line DH is the first one to step up adn tell her to watch her mouth. He is and will be the first one to say it and I truly believe that this is the way all HUSBANDS should think-for a time mom is your number one lady in their life....when you are married mom should be #2 regardless of how 'family' oriented they are.


ETA:This may be the problem-she still comes first or thinks she comes first and as long as he has her believing that she will always think her ways are right

---

I have to agree here. Yes he is her son but he is YOUR husband. I once heard a talk radio program where a woman was upset with ehr husband for dicplining their teenage son. The kid was 17 or so and talking back very disrespectfully and the father instead of saying the typical, 'don't tlak to your mother that way,' said 'Do not tlak to my wife that way or I will treat you the same way I would any other man speaking to ehr in that manner.'

The wife was upset that he 'threatened' their kid, but DH and i agreed that it was the rigth way to handle it because the fact is, IF any other man had spoken that way to ehr, she would ahve expected ehr husband to break their jaw.

My point is this... I KNOW how hard clsoe knit fams can be if certain members make life difficult. My mom is one. And as much as my family is dysfunctional, we are very close knit and they play that guilt card well. BUT I try and reinforce in myself this one thought;

My mom gave birth to me BUT she did so so that i could one day grow up and have a life of my own and make my OWN choices, including liing a good, christian life, respecting others, working sucecssfully and getting married. Which means that now that I have made my choices, I have to live them MY WAY. if she doesn't like it, I just say, 'I understand you may not share my viewpoints but you gave me a life to live and I am doing so the best way I know how.'

Essentially, you and your DH need to sit and talk it out. Explain to hiM EVERYTHING and tell him you understand she is his mom and you don't wnat to cause dissent but you are HIS WIFE and he promised to love and honor you as you promised to do the same to him. That means he comes first in your life and you come first in his. Some may disagree with em but thats the way i see it being spiritual-we were created to be with our mates-thats when we feel hole. two parts to make one whole. Family enhances but they are not part of those two parts.

I hope everything works out honey. We're all here for the ranting.

Sidenote: This is kinda wrong but I have done this and it worked soo..If worse comes to worse, carry around a small recorder with a microphone on in your pocket when around her. Knowing its there helps keep you calm and also picks up what she says. Harsh as it sounds, sometimes people need proof. Had to do this with my mom and though she was FURIOUS she'd been taped, when she heard some of the crazy **** she said to me, she did take several steps back.

this is a radical way to deal with it, but lets be honest, as parents get older, they become more stubborn and less tactful.... if none of the above suggestions work, MOVE

Physically MOVE so she can't be literally in your face. If these disrespectful conversations occur on the phone, SCREEN YOUR CALLS. I have no problems with my very busy-body-ish MIL becuase she lives 90 min away, and doesn't speak english well.... so we don't talk on the phone.

It may be radical, but just keep this idea tucked in the back of your head. It would surely eliviate 98% of the familial stress in your relationship.......

Sidenote: This is kinda wrong but I have done this and it worked soo..If worse comes to worse, carry around a small recorder with a microphone on in your pocket when around her. Knowing its there helps keep you calm and also picks up what she says. Harsh as it sounds, sometimes people need proof. Had to do this with my mom and though she was FURIOUS she'd been taped, when she heard some of the crazy **** she said to me, she did take several steps back.


GENIUS IDEA

this is terrible! WHy is she so involved in your life?
Does she live with you guys? Is there any way to remove yourselves? I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of why she is so involved.....do you live with her?
Regardless, this is a situation where you DH needs to step in. He is the only one who can rectify this.

Your husband is going to have to get involved. He will have to be the one who tells his mother to stop interfering. You confronting your MIL by yourself isn't going to work because she already believes you're doing something wrong.

Does DH believe that his MIL criticizes you when he's not there? Does he realize the extent and frequency of the criticism?

The next time MIL criticizes you, can you find a way take a firm stand and cut the conversation off ASAP?

'DIL, you never/always [fill in the blank] when you really should be [doing some alternate activity]!'
'MIL, DH likes doing things the original way and I agree with him.'
'But--'
'DH and I like doing things the original way and I agree with him.'
Lather, rinse, repeat. Even if you have to repeat yourself a hundred times and say exactly the same thing. Or say you'll take her suggestions under advisement and keep doing what you please.

But the key is getting DH involved to tell MIL directly to lay off.