Need Prayers & Advice ASAP! (LONG- sorry)

Background: Ok so DH & I went out for open mic night last night @ a local bar - for him to play with this new band he's been practicing with. He was totally awesome, we had a lot of fun & I took a ton of pics.

FFW to today: He asks me to upload the pics & send them to him so he can post them on FB. Well apparently he didnt quite like what he saw (physically) of himself & this caused him to go weigh himself (DH has had a lifelong weight battle). He's been on a very restricted diet (and having a cheat weekend on his weekends off & he's still pretty good even when he cheats) He exercises just about every day, has been doing cardio interval training & weights & yet in the past 2 weeks his body fat has stayed the same & he has even gained a pound. This has sent him into a total depression & it's affecting us. I told him maybe it's time to try a nutritionist - he tells me we dont have $$ to do that. I tell him let's go back to the dr & get your thyroid checked again - (I just read an article of a woman whose thyroid test was technically 'normal' but had the slightest imbalance which affected her enegy levels, & metabolism. He refuses to acknowledge that this is the case. (he's had 1 thyroid test already - about 2 or 3 years ago & it was 'normal' - but maybe there is something there that IS slightly off...I feel like it would be worth it to go check it out. But he refuses to acknowledge a 'possibility.'

I also told him that I think the scale might be off b/c he had a few beers last night & ate some food late at night & very early morning, & also didnt weigh himself on an empty stomach 1st thing in the morning. He told me his stomach was empty b/c he just went to the bathroom & he was hungry - to me I dont know if that truly constitutes an empty stomach or not.

So he initally decided he was just going to eat whatever & be happy b/c he was tired of counting calories & doing everything right & still gaining weight. (He does keep a food journal & writes EVERYTHING down that he eats - even if it's a handful of nuts.) He checks his calories burned vs what he eats & he eats about 1200 & burns about 800 - so he doesnt understand why he isnt losing any weight & quite frankly neither do I) A tyipcal guy of my DH's height is supposed to have 3200 calories a day, 2400 if you're trying to lose weight - & my DH is eating 1200. When it's a cheat day he has about 1700-1800.

But I am trying to ask what can I do to help I try to talk to him to help him - but he is pushing me out & away & I am so upset & feel so helpless to see my sweet & wonderful husband struggle through this. I dont know what to do & I am really afraid for him, b/c now he talking about only eating/consuming 800 calories a day & still working out. I know this is NOT healthy whatsoever, but I dont know what else to tell him. He wont even let me hug him or kiss him right now - he says that just makes him feel worse (like Im pitying him ...I just am trying to support him & give him love while he's struggling & I dont know what to do....I really dont.

If you have any advice for him or him or both of us - I would sure appreciate it. I also ask for prayers b/c I have a feeling this is something that is here today & not gone tomorrow. Thanks if you made it this far. & TIA for any advice & prayers.

I feel like I'm only 'qualified' to give advice on the thyroid portion of this...I have a borderline hyperactive thyroid, so the opposite problem. I would eat like a beast and I was still very close to being underweight for my height. When I was originally diagnosed, I was told that my numbers came back as hyperthyroidism. HOWEVER, when I went to a real endocrinologist, he told me that the general MD was using an outdated scale, and that I wasn't hyperactive at all, but rather that I just leaned on that side of the fence. Just that inclination was enough to affect me. Was your DH ever tested for nodules on the thyroid? Sometimes that can cause imbalance as well. That was the case with me, it causes me to lean on the hyperside...and I can always tell when the nodule is filling or draining because that's when I'll drastically lose wait, or when I'm lucky, fill out a bit.

So if he hasn't been tested by an endocrinologist, just the regular Dr, I'd suggest trying to get him to go to the specialist. A LOT can happen in 2-3 years with thyroid issues....a test that long ago is null and void. At least then you'll know that he's been tested using an accurate scale.

If he had a few beers, it's very possible that he was retaining water, thereby increasing his weight temporarily. I know if I have a drink or two, I swell up like mad!

It also sounds like he may not be consuming enough calories. Although it's counterintuitive, having too few calories will put your body into starvation mode and cause it to try to hang onto as much body fat as possible to survive.

Lastly, if he's been doing the same routine for a while, his body may just have adapted to it. He may just need to shake things up a little to kick start his metabolism.

For what it's worth, though, I feel his pain!

I think his problem is that he is not eating enough......His body is holding on to what he is getting because its in starvation mode.

I also think that if he is this obsessive about his weight then he needs counseling about it. His behavior as you have described sounds like many girls I know with eating disorders.

I just reread your post and realized that my original response may have been off-point.

I know when I'm feeling fat and unattractive, I don't want DH to touch my fat, etc. And when he tries to tell me 'but you're not fat', etc., it feels (to me) like he's being dismissive, even though to him it feels like he's being supportive. Even if he doesn't agree with me, I need to feel like he's validating my own emotions. I'm much more receptive when he says things like, I understand that you're not happy with how you feel right now, but _________ (insert supportive words here).

Aww Laurie, your poor DH! Prayers for him and hugs for you!

Laurie, I am handing over the computer to Vin. He used to be a physical trainer for men...

Hi. He is not eating enough. His body needs at least 2,000 calories(And i say that sparingly) when burning 800. He should consider trying a week of 2,500 calories of protiens, greens and sugars (apples yogurts etc)

Have him try the following diet for a week and then let me know. I can help out:

Breakfast

Egg whites and cheese with two slices of whole wheat toast

Snack 1 (About an hour later)
Half an apple cut up

Snack two (Another hour later)
One cup dry cereal

Lunch:
Whole wheat bread, with low sodium turkey and cheese
Greek yogurt (At least 120 calorie worth)

Snack 3:
About an hour later other half of apple

Snack 4:
Serving of nuts (unsalted)

Dinner:
Nightly have one cup of vegetables
Baked potato
Serving of (Meat, chicken, salmon etc) seasoned to taste
Two cups of salad with tomato, and cheese(Feta or mozzarella)
Balsamic vinegar

Snack (About an hour after)
Popcorn (one serving)

**If still hungry eat one of the following:

Whole fruit
Serving of cottage cheese
Dried cereal
dried fruits
chex mix
etc

Hope this helps. Also- stay away from soda, try seltzer, fresh brewed iced tea and hot tea.

Laurie, I am so sorry to hear that he is going through this. It is a terrible feeling for you both I am sure. As someone who goes through issues like this I can second 2 thoughts that have already been expressed. 1. He is not eating enough AT ALL and 2. It sounds like he has some disordered eating habits and emotions towards food. Right now, I am eating around 1200 calories (this is slightly more than a woman of my size needs since I am trying to put on some muscle.) I am pretty sure that he is not a 5ft tall so he needs to be eating way more than this!

When your brain plays tricks on you and wants you to lose weight, it convinces you that you need to not eat to do this fast! This could not be further from the truth. Granted, you need to have a caloric deficit, but not so much that your body thinks you are starving and slows down. He really should talk to a nutritionist about where calorically he should be eating for his body. I can relate to his mathematical computations all day regarding how many calories in vs. how many expended. I used to wear my heart rate monitor every time i exercised and even when i wasnt exercising to make sure I was 'breaking even' each day. It is so draining and I feel so terrible for him..but also for you. I watch what I put DH through and it is awful...just know that he can't stop it right now. He needs help to get through it and I hate to say it but he needs more than just YOUR help, ya know?

As for the alcohol, it can DEFINITELY cause you to be up in weight. Actually, your weight can fluctutate pounds per day. The nutritionist and trainer I work with are constantly reminding me that the scale weight is just a snap shot of progress and that I really need to not fixate on it. Granted, it is the easiest 'measurement' to take and I do get obsessed unfortunately.

As I sit here typing all of this to you, I want you to know that it makes complete sense as I write it but I can't take my own advice. As someone who has battled and will continue to battle eating disorders for the rest of her life, I can tell you it is an addiction that you can't avoid since you need to have food in your life! Do you guys have a health insurance plan? When I was really sick, I was able to find a nutritionist on my plan so I only had to pay a copay. I would definitely check into it. Please let me know if i can help in anyway. I am always here for support.

Laurie, I don't know anything about thyroid disorders, but I do know quite a bit about psychological issues. Your DH is not fat AT ALL. He could gain 10 pounds and still not be fat. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news or anything, but it sounds like he needs to talk to someone because he is obsessed with food and that's really not healthy on any level. And if he is so upset about this that he's even pushing you away, maybe this runs deeper than just a weight thing? I know it's really hard for guys to talk about their feelings, but it sounds like he might need to.

I'm dealing with this a lot with my DH right now. He is really concerned with his weight (he's not fat either) but I think it has to do with how his mother (who we all know what she's like) eats when she's depressed and he doesn't want to turn into her. Plus he's dealing with a lot of feelings with the death of his father and stress at work. Because of how he grew up he turns all his stress and anger towards himself. He calls himself fat, stupid, etc. Thank God he's not doing anything else besides that, but his behavior definitely mimics what his parents have said to him in hard times when he was a kid. It makes me that much more glad he's seeing a therapist, because even though we talk on a regular basis he needs to have that outlet.

So bottom line, you're not alone! And if you need someone to talk to I am here any time!

Thanks for all the advice girls. I am trying to talk Dh into going to at least see an endocrinologist so we can at leat rule out any possible issue of problematic thyroid. (His older sister has a thyroid problem & is on meds for it too - but she eats like crapp & doesnt do ANY form of exercise/activity, hence why shes as big as a house). DH has gained like 20 lbs since the wedding (just like me) so we're both a little 'frustrated.' DH hurt his knee in Oct & it's still on the mend so he can only do weights & modified cardio - like going on the elliptical - but he still gets his heart rate on the elliptical to where his range is supposed to be for fat loss. He works out 5-6 days a week for about an hour, and has been trying to eat healthier as well as take in less calories & try to burn at least half of what he eats in calories.

As far as going to talk to a therapist that's a NO WAY. It $ucks b/c of his line of work - that even though he may be going to see someone for an 'eating disorder/issue' when his job finds out through his medical ins that he's seeing a 'shrink/therapist' they automatically think he's mentally unstable & will relieve him of his duties. We cant afford that to happen (& yes it's happened to about a half dozen guys on the job already - so we know it's not just BS)

The funny thing is, I dont even know if it's so much the # on the scale that bothers him, but the fact that all his pants are super tight on him so he feels like since he sees a high # on the scale, AND his clothes are tight, then he's becoming fat.

I am trying to be supportive as possible, I just hate the being pushed away part.

Laurie, Im so sorry u have to go throught this & this goes to show all of us women that men struggle with weight & have as many problems with it as we do.

What the hubby needs to realize is that everyone plateaus. Its very common & normal. I think he needs to not cut cals but up them but with different foods from what he was eating. More greens less meat more veggies nuts grains & some carbs. He also needs to change his workout. Do something different that he has not done at all. Challenge himself to a whole new type of workout. Maybe kickboxing or regular boxing. He needs to lose the scale & go to measuring his body 1x every two weeks.

As for the alcohol. Alcohol is a dehydrator. It is a diuretic, which means that it stimulates your kidneys to filter more water out of your blood.
It pulls the liquids from your body so after drinking believe it or not the next day you could be lighter. However, if you are eating late then that would tip the scale.

Its ok to indulge a bit but if he wants to lose weigth he needs to be strict overall.

I sincerely hope all gets better. Remember to be patient with him & let him have his time. Then try to discuss his options with him.

Good luck.

Laurie, One IMPORTANT thing about alcahol-

When you are working out and dieting, One glass of alcahol will defeat what you did for the day. Something with the muscles... dont remember exactly

Thats why Vin doesnt drink...

hope that makes sense. Vin used to have 3% body fat when I first met him and this was withhim eating hourly and working out.

---

Posted by PoppedInASnap

Laurie, One IMPORTANT thing about alcahol-

When you are working out and dieting, One glass of alcahol will defeat what you did for the day. Something with the muscles... dont remember exactly

Thats why Vin doesnt drink...

hope that makes sense. Vin used to have 3% body fat when I first met him and this was withhim eating hourly and working out.

---

Because when it dehydrates you, youcould damage muscle mass while working out. But Jenn 3% body fat?? Ar eyou sure thats like almost impossible. Normal body fat for 20/25 year old male is 18%. lol

I don't really have any advice... my husband doesn't gain a lb no matter what he eats. But I do think he should weigh himself the same time each time and on the same empty stomach, completely empty, before eating anything. Also your right, what you had the day before can effect your weight.

---

Posted by VickiR510

---

Posted by PoppedInASnap

Laurie, One IMPORTANT thing about alcahol-

When you are working out and dieting, One glass of alcahol will defeat what you did for the day. Something with the muscles... dont remember exactly

Thats why Vin doesnt drink...

hope that makes sense. Vin used to have 3% body fat when I first met him and this was withhim eating hourly and working out.

---

Because when it dehydrates you, youcould damage muscle mass while working out. But Jenn 3% body fat?? Ar eyou sure thats like almost impossible. Normal body fat for 20/25 year old male is 18%. lol

---

3% is actually very realistic if he was on a strict diet and working out. My DH has 7%-8% body fat and that is just his genetics.....when he was playing hockey it was much lower.

aww laurie im sorry you are going thru this with DH. its prob a bunch of things one being that he is prob not eating as much as he should. Make sure he eats like 5 or 6 small meals thruought the day. I def think seeing a nutritionist is a good idea...i know its expensive, but maybe one time will help to get him a better idea of how he should be eating...
i dont have much advice besides that and just be there for him! i know when i get all self conscience i hate it when DH hugs me...he always says im perfect the way i am, but when i dont think i am it comes off that he is just saying that to make me feel better and not that its the truth so thats prob how your DH is feeling...

Laurie,

I read this last night while I was on my BlackBerry and so haven't been able to respond - because I knew I wanted to write a long one! - so here goes:

First of all, I know how draining it can be to care about someone who has these kinds of issues. When I was in college I had a very good friend of mine struggle with disordered eating/body image and it is TOUGH. You want to help them but they either refuse the help or take your offers to help as an indicator that there is something wrong with them. My friend was in and out of treatment centers for as long as I knew her and it was so difficult to watch and feel helpless.

I feel that I must echo previous sentiments in telling you that your DH needs some help. I understand what you mean when you say that he can't seek out any sort of mental health provider under his insurance because it would get him in 'trouble,' so to speak, at work. But there's got to be another option. I am positive that if you do some research you can find either free counseling or a support group that applies to him. I understand this might be an embarrassing thing to him but it's SO important for him to get a handle on this. It sounds like he has struggled for a lifetime with his food habits. I can't tell you how paramount it is for him to talk to someone and get in some counseling or support from someone other than you. While of course you love him and want to help him, I think it is something that needs to go beyond you. If you want to help him, I suggest looking into free counseling/support groups that he could get involved in, and then gently encouraging him to go.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Laurie. I hope that your DH can get the help he needs.