Not something I ever wanted to post... (long)

But due to circumstances beyond my control, and the Big Guy upstairs, I am unfortunately writing this. Before I start, I would just like to thank MichelleW and JennRenee, for the wonderful support and kind words and thoughts. It's amazing how much support you girls can give, especially when we either just met or haven't formally met at all! I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now, on to my news. After undergoing 3 sonograms, I found out that I had a miscarriage last week. I was supposed to be 9 weeks, but unfortunately the baby stopped growing at almost 7 weeks. So, I had to have surgery on Thursday and last week was a TOTAL nightmare for me. I always felt for anybody who had to go through this, but I now can feel their pain and I wish that nobody would ever have to go through this again, but I know I'm not the first and will not be the last (unfortunately). My head knows all the logical things: it wasn't my fault, there's nothing I did/didn't do, it's nature, something would have been wrong, blah blah blah. But my heart knows a different story. The one where all our dreams went out the window and instead of thinking of all the things we would've done, there's a blank. And another setback. My clock is ticking and it scares the crap out of me, but the dr says not to worry.

The ironic thing is that I didn't want to tell ANYBODY until after the first trimester, which would have been, appropriate enough, around my anniversary. So I had this big dinner planned for our families where we would have announced the big news, well that went out the window when the dr's office called my mother's house by accident (they forgot to put my new info in the computer) and my mother and sister (Scoop and Scoop Jr) started speculating about whether I was or wasn't. And when my sister confronted me about it and said she would know by me not drinking at our parent's 40th anniversary party, I had to tell her. And since I told her (and I wasn't ecstatic, I was pissed), Joe told me we had to tell our mothers, which we did after my parent's party. So now they are all happy and my biggest fear came true -- having to tell them that I just turned their worlds upside down and see the disappointment written all over their faces. That killed me because even though I know they were devasted, nobody is more then me.

I knew I loved Joe more then anything before this, but that love has grown deeper and stronger since this because he has been there for me and with me and I know it isn't easy for him either, but he hurts more for me and what I'm going through.

I'll stop now because I can't see what I'm typing. I just wanted to say thank you for listening and being the support I need.