ok many many of you have been asking so here is whats going on...

i really appreciate the fms asking if i am ok..it means so much to me to know so many of you care how i am feeling

ok..sorry if this is long...

many of you know my mom had a stroke 4 years ago..she is paralyzed on her right side and needs care do do daily functions...when she first was sick,i was working and continued for most of the first year mainly because she was in the hospital and rehab centers so she had people taking care of her etc etc..

when she came home everything changed..i have 3 older sisters..2 with families one who is married to her job..when she came home we all decided it was best for me to leave my job and take care of her since i was the only one stil living at home and i didnt have any kids..and i was fine with that..and i did what i had to do..was there every morning to change her shower her make food clean the house etc etc

now i dont mean to say my sisters do nothing..we all have 'shifts' when we come over but im here in the mornng till like 4 or 5 thn back at night to help her get ready for bed...

now time has gone by and we got engaged thn married and im still doing what i do...my sisters kids are older and they have a little more free time so they could help out more but they dont(it kills me to say anything bad bout my sisters cause i love them but its the truth)..i dont know if they have just gotten use to it or its cause i dont say anything to them and just do what i do..

we have been married for almost 9 months and the time has com to start starting a family an buying a house(dh and i have always wanted to go to the island)..here is where my problems start

when we got married we moved into a apt down the block from my parenst so i could be close...
i have spoken with my family bout me leaving,getting a full time job etc etc and they kinda were like its not fair..we all have to do our part(if we moved to the island it would be so hard for me to come home everyday cause i dont drive)...my sisters are kinda saying w all should help out and why cant u stay here we have the kids etc etc...now my mom is happy for me and dh..she wants us to go and be happy but i can see n her eyes she wants me to stay..she depends on me so much..she would be home alone most of the day if i was not here and the thought of her sitting laone not able to get up and get something drives me insane..i feel so guilty

now dh loves my fam but his take is enough is enough and we have to live our lives and i say to him..what if it was your mom?what wuld you do?could u just up and leave knowing how much she needs you?i feel like if i go the guilt will eat me alve and if i stay i will fee like its not fair to dh,me or our one day kids

now i know u r all wondering why not get someone at home to help out but both my parents are against that..my mom does not want a stranger showering her and my dad'does not see the point' why we should pay someone when he has 4 kids who can help

i m sorry its so long and i hate that im making my sisters out to be monsters cause they r not..i just think they got use to they way things have been andont want their lives to change..but im ready for mine too

thanks for reading this

have you talked to your sisters?

Oh gina...my heart just breaks for you. I can see both sides of this completely..I feel like you have to do what works best for you. You have been there to help all this time when your sisters had reasons making YOU be the main caretaker. Now it's time for them to let you do what you need to do with DH...

This is a tough one...I love you and am here to talk whenever you need to

gina, you did not make you sisters sound like monsters at all....

wow, this is a tough situation. I am not even thinkin gof your sisters at the moment. I am just thinking about you. All of your feelings are valid. Please don't feel guilty for wanting a life. You are entitled. Unfortunately, I can't come up with an answer that will solve all problems. All I can do is support you and listen if you need someone to talk to. Since I am in a similar situation. where do your sister's live? are you planning on going back to work full time? Is it possible, once you get a place in LI, to go back to your mom's house during the day? then your sister's would only be responsible for the evenings. Do your sister's have any days off during the week? Can you work out a schedule?

I think that you should sit down with your sister's and explain how you feel. You have been doing this for 4 years, and it sounds like you are still willing, but you just need some help. There are 4 of you so hopefully, you can all come to some sort of agreement. Maybe Tommy should be there with you, if you feel you won't be able to get your point across??

I also suggest seeing a therapist. I think everyone should have a therapist, it is so helpful to have someone to talk to who doesn't know anyone, so you can be really honest.

But in the meantime, you know I am here for you. For whatever you may need.

But most importantly, do not feel guilty for wanting to have your life back. You should be able to enjoy being a NW before you have a child. You are not abandoning your mom!!

Is your dad working? what is his schedule like?

just wanted to send a hug. im going to fm when i get home and have time, rather than at work

Aww I'm so sorry.... that's such a hard decision to make and obv you're the only one who knows what's best for you and your family, but lots of for you!

awww gina!!! im soo sorry you are going thru all this! i get exactly what you are saying..

maybe you can get your sisters together and talk to them about how you are feeling...not that you dont wanna take care of her anymore, but you want to start a family, and have what they all have already....

im sure you guys can work something out where it will work out so that every does their part, and its not all on you.

i mean what if you get preggo like now?? you kinda need a game plan for what will happen.

im sure when you look for houses you can find a house on long island that is still close enough to be sure to make trips to help out

new hyde park, floral park, etc...all close to queens.

You are an amazing daughter and your mom is so lucky to have you take care of her. I know it is going to be hard, and so much easier said than done, but you really have to do whats best for you and DH right now. Im sure that is what your mom would really want, even though she will miss you dearly. I think its important to talk to your sisters and explain this to them and maybe make the care more evenly distributed.

Gina I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I think the best thing to do is sit down with your sisters and work out a schedule. If there are 4 of you there is no reason one should be doing more than anyone else. I don't really have any other advice unfortuantely but if you need anything or need to talk I am always here! I hope you and your sisters are able to work something out that is fair to everyone.

Good luck!

Just because your sisters have kids, doesnt mean that their personal lives are more valuable than yours. I think its reasonable that all of your parents children should help out equally. And at some point your mom HAS to get used to the idea of someone else helping her out. It simply isnt fair to ask you to put your life on hold.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. I'm not sure that I really think it was fair to ever ask you to do this.

Wow im sorry that you are in this situation. I just wanted to let you know that you are a great person for doing all this for your mom. There are so many kids out there that would dump them in some sort of home and not care.

Our family had a similar situation and we all pitched in, but unfortunately most of the responsibility fell on two family members. They put a lot of their life on hold and suffered mentally because of it.

My advice...dont forget to take care of yourself. If you start doing all the work and get worn down from it all, you wont be able to do anything. Its also not fair for you to put your life completely on hold especially since you are a young newly married couple. Is there any way to get a nurse or someone to come in a few days a week to help out?

ETA: just read that you dont want a nurse coming in. Can a nurse just really sit with your mom? Make sure that everything is ok? Maybe your dad or another sibling can do the personal stuff for her (showering, etc).

If you ever need anything feel free to FM me

Have u looked into getting you rmother on medicare/medicaid that will supply an aid for free for a certain amount of hours????

I dont blame you at all. You are so giving you never think of yourself & now is the time to do so. I think your sisters need to understand that its your turn to start your life. I would tallk to them more. Drill it in.

Gina, my heart goes out to you. My mom had a mild stroke a week before my wedding and I was devastated. And you didn't say anything bad about your sisters~the situation is a very tough one!
Sorry I don't have any advice, but I'll give you some huggies~

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

Oh gina...my heart just breaks for you. I can see both sides of this completely..I feel like you have to do what works best for you. You have been there to help all this time when your sisters had reasons making YOU be the main caretaker. Now it's time for them to let you do what you need to do with DH...

This is a tough one...I love you and am here to talk whenever you need to

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I agree with this 100%. I totally see how you feel with wanting to start your own life and family, and I also see how the rest of your family would feel. But it's time to 'renegotiate' so to speak, because it's been four years and life is different for everyone involved. It's only fair to sit down and try to compromise with everyone figuring out what works best for the family as a whole - and your mom in particular.



You know I think it is an amazing thing what you do for your mother and your entire family ... they are all so very lucky to have you.

Oh Gina...my heart breaks for you...this is so hard for ANYONE to deal with, no matter how strong you are.

I do think its time for you to do whats right for you and DH. This doesn't mean abandoning your mom completely...and while I understand they have lives of their own, SO DO YOU NOW. And its not fair that their lives have taken priority over yours for as long as they have.

And I hope they don't blame Tommy. If it wasn't him, it'd be someone else! And I think hes probably been AMAZING throughout all of this, right?

My girlfriend is going through something similar too. Her mom has very advanced Alzheimers and there are 4 of them as well. Her dad is retired though, so he does most of the caretaking. The rest of the kids rotate--but someone goes over every night of the week and one son lives in CT and one upstate in Brewster.

Why don't you drive? Can that be the first step? If you had a license, it seems like all of this would be a bunch easier. Even if you didn't, you could take the train to be with mom and have Tommy pick you up later? Just throwing sh!t against the wall to see what sticks, lol.

Anyway, we're here for whatever you need.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I can see your dilemma, both sides have their right/wrong points. I wouldn't want to leave my momma either, but you have to live your life for you. You're the kid, not the parent! Sorry you're going through this!

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

Oh gina...my heart just breaks for you. I can see both sides of this completely..I feel like you have to do what works best for you. You have been there to help all this time when your sisters had reasons making YOU be the main caretaker. Now it's time for them to let you do what you need to do with DH...

This is a tough one...I love you and am here to talk whenever you need to

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ITA hun.
My mom is 1 of 5 girls, 2 boys. When my grandmother was dying all her daughters pitched in to help, no boys of course. But I must say we lived up stairs from my grandma, another sister in the same part of the house, another a town away, my other anut was in the same town with kids and last but not least my other aunt was in Conn. with kids. Each and every one of them took a night to take care of my grandma. We would sleep down stairs with my mom, my other aunt would have my cousin's sleep over with her, etc... My one aunt that lived in Conn. would spend the weekends and sometimes the kids came.

Im writting all this out because they ALL took part in taking care of my grandma and we also had someone during the day to take care of her on top of all this. She need help around the clock and no matter how hard it was on any of my aunts they did what they had to do and didnt make one do more then the other.
I think you should talk to them, you have every right to want to start a family with Tommy and shouldnt put it on hold for anyone. They love you just as much as you love them and things will work out trust me. Take some advice you give me

I love you Gina and Im here if you need me

Oh Gina. You deserve the right to start your own life w/ your hubby! And yes, your sisters should start helping out with your mom. Why should it only be your responsibility?
You should definitely talk to them about it.

I know this may be a totally out there idea..but would ur parents consider moving to the island with you & Tommy? You could try finding a mother/daughter type house out here.


I know you'll be able to figure this all out and something will work out. You're too nice of a person for it to not work out!!!

But you know where to turn even just to vent

Gina - it makes me so sad that you are going through this. The hardest job in the world is to be a caregiver.

Do NOT feel guilty - you are NOT trashing your sisters. Anyone who knows you knows how much you love your family.

That being said, you need to do what's right for you and Tommy. I can totally understand your mom not wanting someone to take care of the 'personal' stuff but if you and your sisters could get together and come up with a more equitable schedule and then maybe have someone come in a few hours a day to sit with your mom and make sure she eats - it would definitely help you out.

You and Tommy deserve the time to build your lives and your own family together. You are such a warm wonderful person who deserves every happiness that life has to offer. By caring for your mom, you are already proving what an amazing mom you are going to be!!!

And the driving thing - I can understand how it's a little scary. I wasn't like most kids who couldn't wait to get their permit at 16 - I was 20 before I got my license! And if you want to learn, I am offering to take you out driving!!!

Hang in there! We all love you over here. If you need to talk, please FM me.

what an amazing thing you have done for your mom these past few years! you sound like an amazing daughter! its pl to want to have your own life. i know you said they were against live in help but thats def my recommendation. when my gma was sick she had live in help-she didnt like it at first but git use to it. its something that takes getting adjusted to.
when i think about someone cleaning me at the hospital after i gave birth to my daughter I would feel unoomfy but when the time came I appreciated it and it wasnt bad.
its something to reconsider and maybe you can start off slow like her be there when your there. gl