ok many many of you have been asking so here is whats going on...

This is such a tough situation...I'd give you a hug for holding up. I know if my mom was sick or old, my parents would never understand the concept of hiring someone to take care of them, they'd be like what do we have 4 kids for!?

Firstly, just because your sisters have children and you dont doesnt make their life/work/family more important than yours.

If you want to move away to Long Island, and if thats what DH wants too, than you should do it, but learn how to drive!!! It will surely help you. You said theres 4 of you, well theres 4 weeks in a month. So one week you go over everyday, the next week your other sister does it and so forth. And you guys keep rotating. Also is your dad well enough to take care of her? if theyre living together...

Anyways, definately do have a talk with your sisters together you guys need to sit down...Pleas update us, hope it all works out I love my mom very much, and I would do anything for her, so I know how you feel, but you ahve to understand how your husband feels too, In his mind, he might think the whole marriage and your life is revolving around your mom, so thats why its important if all the siblings help out...

once had a spiritual advisor tell me that we are all like pitchers of water and if we only pour ourselves out for others without stopping to fill ourselves back up we will run completely dry. . that nurturing ourselves is indeed a necessity - not selfish -


I agree with everyone that says this is a hard situation. It's clear that you are sooooooo generous and giving to your mom but i agree you also NEED DESERVE SHOULD HAVE time for you and tommy and for creating your own life together. . we only have one chance at this and taking care of yourself and your DH is also important. . I'm not saying to abandon your mom bc I know that's not right but figure out a way to have your sisters help more and also to get some outside support - maybe not for the as personal things but to just get her used to the idea. . we went through this with my grandma too after my GF died and she was totally insistent that there be no outside help but at some point that just wasnt possible. . yes family takes care of family but if that is the case people should acknowledge that YOU need to be taken care of too!!

hang in there - you obvioulsy have such a HUGE heart but don't let giving to others let you not be able to nurture yourself bc if you don't at some point the love joy and spark of you will die out some and you won't be able to give to others as well. .

OK G... I'm going to be honest here...

where is your father in all of this? As I was reading I was under the assumption that it was JUST your mother and your father wasn't around. Then I got to the end and saw the part where you wrote 'your dad does not see the point'... and IMMEDIATELY my mind went to... 'What does he do to help? Is he around? What role does he play in all of this?'

I think that during the time you chose to alter your life and help your mother things were different. It was the best option at that time. And seeing as though times have changed.... I think your role might have to adjust accordingly as well. And this needs to be explained to the whole family.

I don't think you painted a bad picture of your sisters at all. I do think they are comfortable with the way it's always been; with you doing the majority of the work and them doing what they can then tending to their life, kids, jobs etc. Things were working out just fine for them so they see no need in changing anything. But if they love you, which I'm sure they do, then they should see why it is you need to make adjustments to the current way of life. BUT in order for this to happen you NEED to talk to them. Have a VERY open conversation about where your life is headed and the changes that are going to be happening.

Some of the sister's couldn't take on the role you took on because they had small kids. Well.. soon YOU will be the one with small kids. So as their kids are getting older they should have some more free time. Also, they should very well understand where you are coming from seeing as though this was their EXACT reason for not taking on the responsibilities you took on.

Either they will ALL have to chip in a little bit more to cover the responsibilites you had... so that you all have just about the same across the board. OR one of them will have to step in and do what you do (maybe even 2 can split it). OR your mother might just have to get a nurse to take care of her. And again... where is your father in this?

I cannot imagine your mother or father or sisters or any of your family wanting you to miss out on having a life that you dream of because you are doing the bulk of the work for your mother. But when you are paying the biggest price it's just not fair.

It's a very delicate situation. And wanting to have a house on long island (which you should so just go upstate to rockland county... ahem pearl river... and meet me up there instead) and kids and all that... does NOT in any way mean that you don't love your mother and family with all your heart or that you wouldn't do anything in your means for them. Please don't think that it does!!!

I think it's important to talk to the family now... and explain the direction your life will be heading. Get them to start thinking about a new plan and course of action. Perhaps implement some small changes now. Then when the time comes and you are pregnant or house hunting... you will have to revisit making new plans for things. I'm sure they had to have thought about what they would do when you become pregnant. Surely they didn't picture you 9 months pregnant and doing everything still... and what about when you are in the hospital and recovery time and all that??

Bottom line is.. you need to do what's right for you in your life. If you plans are to buy a house and have kids and all of that... do not let anything stop you. I really do believe it's time for one or more of your other siblings to step in here and alleviate some of the pressure from you.

your quote: my sisters are kinda saying w all should help out and why cant u stay here we have the kids - your answer to this should be... I WILL SOON HAVE THE KIDS TOO and thus things will have to change accordingly; this is why I'm talking to you all about it now. It wouldn't be fair for the kids rule to apply to your siblings but not to you. I think in a sense here you might be being too nice.

Where do your siblings live?

Is there any possibility of getting a license? When you move to the Island?
I mean it's a good comprimise.... you moving to the Island but also getting a license so you could come back to Queens to help out here and there (not the same schedule you have now).

I think they really need to know that you want a job and a house and kids and you need help now with your mother so that you can obtain your life goals. there's nothing to feel guilty over. It's perfectly normal to want those things. And you have a LARGE family that can and should help. Everyone can do their part.

I can't give you advice because it's such a tough situation, but I just wanted to give you some . Though a lot older than you, my mom was my grandma's caretaker, and she basically had to stop her entire life to take care of her. I know from that perspective what a struggle it was (esp. since her two siblings didn't help at all--which i know is different from your situation). There's no right answer for this, but please feel free to vent and process on here!

I'm sorry you are going through this..it sounds really tough. First I think it was really really selfless of you to leave your job and take care of your Mom. I don't know too many people who would have done that. And I think that it's time for you and DH to live your lives.. I don't blame you for wanting to move to LI..IMO it's a better place than NYC to raise children.. I agree with another poster regarding your father. Does he work full time and that's why you're scared your Mom will sit at home alone all day? And I think you guys should look into a home health aide..if she doesn't want a stranger showering her, can your father help out with the showers? The home health aide can just keep her company during the day, help her to the bathroom, get her meals, etc.

I definitely agree that it's time for you and your husband to live your lives..And honestly, how would it make your mom feel to know that you weren't going to have children because you needed to take care of her full time? I think everyone in your family needs to be more flexible on what they were willing to do.. your father shouldn't have the opinion 'why pay someone if you have daughters'...the truth is, it is not a child's responsibility to take care of their parents..if you and your sisters all decided to move to the west coast for whatever reasons, there is still nothing selfish about that. I realize that's not the case, but I'm just trying to help you understand that your father needs to really budge on paying someone to help with your mom. You and your sisters deserve your own lives.

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Posted by Marianne13


I definitely agree that it's time for you and your husband to live your lives..And honestly, how would it make your mom feel to know that you weren't going to have children because you needed to take care of her full time? I think everyone in your family needs to be more flexible on what they were willing to do.. your father shouldn't have the opinion 'why pay someone if you have daughters'...the truth is, it is not a child's responsibility to take care of their parents..if you and your sisters all decided to move to the west coast for whatever reasons, there is still nothing selfish about that. I realize that's not the case, but I'm just trying to help you understand that your father needs to really budge on paying someone to help with your mom. You and your sisters deserve your own lives.

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I COMPLETELY agree with this.

I sent you an FM!!!

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I understand both sides of the story, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

i just want to say from the bottom of my heart how much i appreciate all the advice and the fms..it means more to me and tommy than you know

we talked yesterday and we r going to do what we want to do and have the family talk thats been neded to have for a whie..i new this day was coming but have been puttingt off cause i was afraid of fighting,yelling etc etc..i hate confrontation..but it needs to b done and something neeeds to change

thank you again for everything love u girls so much

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Posted by KerriJohnS

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Posted by Marianne13


I definitely agree that it's time for you and your husband to live your lives..And honestly, how would it make your mom feel to know that you weren't going to have children because you needed to take care of her full time? I think everyone in your family needs to be more flexible on what they were willing to do.. your father shouldn't have the opinion 'why pay someone if you have daughters'...the truth is, it is not a child's responsibility to take care of their parents..if you and your sisters all decided to move to the west coast for whatever reasons, there is still nothing selfish about that. I realize that's not the case, but I'm just trying to help you understand that your father needs to really budge on paying someone to help with your mom. You and your sisters deserve your own lives.

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I COMPLETELY agree with this.

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Me too

What you have done/are doing for your mom is incredibly selfless and as the prior posters said, wanting to start a family and move to the Island, do not make you any less selfless.

How did your family handle the caregiving tasks while you were on your honeymoon? Did they all pitch in then?

I wish there were some easy answers for you, but I think you need to sit down and TELL them, not ASK them, to step up a bit more.

Good luck!

Oh Gina You are the most selfLESS person I've ever met. I'm so sad to hear this is going on. I have no advice since I've never been in that situation but I'll pray that it all works out for you.

First, you are an amazing person for taking on all of that responsibility so that your sisters can raise their children and focus on their families. With that said, I think you need to sit down and speak to your sisters, let them know you and DH want to start your own family and you need some help bc you too would like to have a job. I think you and your siblings can split the time you help out your mom. Maybe you each can take a couple of days a week and this way you can still move out to LI, get a job and have your own life.

You and your family are in my prayers sweetie, your parents raised a great daughter, you're so caring and selfless. Best of luck to you

Gina I want to give you hugs