Please help me out

Please help me out

I have changed my name on here, I use to be a big poster before the wedding......Please help me out. I am coming to my six month anniversary and am completely dreadful. With all the stress around me I have put weight on before and after the wedding. My husband has now admitted to me that he is unattracted to me and that i need to lose weight. I have tried to lose weight but somehow am not feeling motivated enough as I find myself going back to the food to comfort me. My husband does not believe in divorce, and actual wants a child now, but I know that I couldnt have a child until I feel that we are truely in love and we are far away from that right now.. I am so scared right now because I dont know what im suppose to do, and dont know how I could go through a lifetime of this....

Re: Please help me out

Have you gone to counseling?

It's strange that your husband has issues with your weight, but wants you to have a child???

It doesn't sound like he's ready for a child at this point.

Re: Please help me out

What have you done to lose weight? Is your husband helping you in the process or making it worse? I agree with suven and how she recommended counseling. It's not the answer to everything but it may help you considering your situation.

Re: Please help me out

I would really advise you to go to counseling. It would kill me to hear that my husband was not attracted to me. It is hard, and nearly all of us gained weight (there is a thread about that!), but he has no right to lower your self esteem like that. DO NOT HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!! Babies will not fix anything!!!!!!!! It will only make things harder. You are right to want to wait.

ETA: Only one of you needs to believe in divorce. I don't think anyone takes divorce lightly, but if you feel like you haven't been happy in the 6 mos. you have been married there is a real problem. Is your DH older? Why is he pushing having kids?

Re: Please help me out

he feels he is ready to have a kid, but its not right when our marraige is suffering... he has tried to help me out with the weightloss, he tries to stop me from eating the junk food and reminds me to do the exercise tapes, I'd love to lose the weight but i just havent been able to keep the motivation up, I kinda also feel like he should love/feel attracted to me even if i did gain some weight... i dont think he would go to couseling....

Re: Please help me out

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know you are not the only one going through the weight issue. I, too, have gained the 'newlywed' weight, and am disgusted with myself. But for your husband to say he isn't attracted to you really is upsetting. Love is supposed to be unconditional. He should be supporting you, instead of making you feel worse. I wish I knew how to help you more, but all I can give you now is lots of hugs.

Please know that we are all here for you if you need us!!!

Re: Please help me out

Re: Please help me out

Maybe you could go speak with someone? I imagine it is hard to loose the weight when you are feeling so down. I hope you feel better soon.

Re: Please help me out

Definitely ask him to go to counseling! Set up an appt., and say you are going to it with or without him. I think it would really help you to go too--much of the weight gain could be from psychological stress.

Re: Please help me out

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Posted by shamrock12472

I am so sorry you are going through this.

First, let me say that your physical appearance shouldn't be your focus. I think you should find a counselor that can help you work through some of the feelings that you are having. Your weight gain may be a byproduct of your emotional state and it might be a physicalogical cause so you should see a Dr and let them know what is going on.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to take care of you and sort through your feelings.

Marriage is a big adjustment and it does take some time to settle into your new life.

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I agree with everything said here.

If you know your DH won't go to counseling, maybe you should go on your own for now. It might be helpful to talk to someone about the causes of your stress and depression, and figure out a way to pull yourself up.

I am not excusing what your DH said, because he should be your #1 source of support no matter what - but maybe when he said he isn't attracted to you, it has to do with your emotional state just as much as your weight. Maybe it's hard for him to see you so down.

Good luck with everything. There is an adjustment period after marriage, so don't give up on yourself and your relationship just yet.

Re: Please help me out

It sounds to me like you are stuck in the vicious cycle of eating because you are depressed about your weight - which makes you eat more, gain more, and be more depressed, etc.

You need to break this cycle - but for yourself, not just for your DH. YOU have to want this too in order to maintain the necessary motivation. To be honest, while it hurts, if it were me, I would appreciate my husband telling me that I need to lose some weight before it got really bad. I don't think he went about it the right way though, I don't think he should not be attracted to you just because of a few extra pounds. The other thing that worries me about this situation is that the word 'divorce' is coming up over a little extra weight, but then in the same breath having a baby is being mentioned.

First of all it doesn't make sense that he wants you to get pregnant while he thinks that you need to lose weight. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that being pregnant doesn't exactly make you skinny.

I think first and foremost, you need to be happy with YOURSELF before continuing to look into the problem with your DH, and eventually considering TTC. In order to do that, it sounds to me like you need to get yourself motivated to lose the weight, focus on that, and succeed at it. Then once you are happier with yourself, you can begin to address the other issues going on here.

Good luck.

Re: Please help me out

Your post angers me. I don't understand how your husband could be unattracted to someone he just recently took the most important vows with. I would be extremely concerned with what else HE may not be happy with (maybe its him) instead of trying to please him with your weight (not that you shouldn't try to be physically whatever your OWN ideal is). Maybe he should realize if he was emotionally supportive that would help you with any kind of struggle. It also doesn't sound to me as if he's matured to manhood to be ready to father a child.

ETA: Be strong and good luck

Re: Please help me out

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Posted by PleaseHelpAdvice

I have changed my name on here, I use to be a big poster before the wedding......Please help me out. I am coming to my six month anniversary and am completely dreadful. With all the stress around me I have put weight on before and after the wedding. My husband has now admitted to me that he is unattracted to me and that i need to lose weight. I have tried to lose weight but somehow am not feeling motivated enough as I find myself going back to the food to comfort me. My husband does not believe in divorce, and actual wants a child now, but I know that I couldnt have a child until I feel that we are truely in love and we are far away from that right now.. I am so scared right now because I dont know what im suppose to do, and dont know how I could go through a lifetime of this....

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I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm going through the same situation myself so I know how you feel. I know in my head I should be doing it for myself and for the other right reasons but if you don't feel like the love is there unconditionally, it can definitely limit your motivation. Please don't consider having a baby at this time. I'm not trying to be mean here, but the baby will not help your weight situation, in fact it will get worse and your metabolism and body chemistry will definitely be affected by having a child. I haven't been able to lose a pound since the baby was born and it's not for lack of trying. I'm actually going to see about medical intervention to help me out.

I hear you when you say he should love you as you are. I'm sure he has some shortcomings that you are not presenting to him because you love him and don't want to hurt him. How unfair for him to put this in your face and then discuss having a baby on top of it? If he's not supporting you now, how is he going to 'look' at you when you obtain stretch marks and swollen ankles. Very few women hit the height of attractiveness while being PG. You need the support NOW and it sounds like you're not getting it. I'm so sorry

Re: Please help me out

I cannot understand how your husband could want to have a baby right now and tell you that he is not attracted to you. Does he realize that you will be putting on more weight with the pregnancy and that your body will be completely different. Also the lack of sleep and stress that CAN go along with having a baby CAN cause a lot of stress on a marriage. Now is definitely not the time for you to be having a baby. If he will not go to counseling you should go by yourself. You need to work on your self esteem and work on why you are seeking comfort from food.

Good luck

Re: Please help me out

I really don't kow what to say...

I think your DH is very selfish and needs to think about other people aside from his wants and needs..I would suggest counseling too!
Telling someone they are not attracted to them and then expect them to be positive when trying to lose weight is impossible

HUGS TO YOU

Re: Please help me out

Im sorry your going thru this. I do think you have to step back and see that this is HIS problem, not yours.
You can help yourself, but he has some work to do too, and losing all the weight in the world wont help.
Im sorry but I would feel very hurt if my husband said that to me. I joke with mine, as Im not thin at ALL, and need to lsoe a considerable amount of weight, will he still 'Want me' if I gain 50 lbs, and he says 'every night' ..THATS what you need to hear. If he doesnt, then there are OTHER issues there. Thats my opinion. You do not stop being attracted to your WIFE because of some weight.
I do think anyone with extra weight, myself included needs to lsoe for their own health and self esteem reasons, but never ever to please another.
I dont think having a child would make things better, so I think your right on that part. You would gain weight and find it hard with a baby to find time to lose weight afterwards.

I think you both need couseling. You will end up feeling a lot of resentment towards him if you are not able to get how you feel out in the open to a non boased person, a professional.

Good luck to you! Im sorry you are having such a rough time, no one deserves that !

Re: Please help me out

there are other issues there, like he says i dont listen to him and that im always trying to think of my response instead of letting him speak, and that i dont give him consistent attention, that its sporadic bursts of attention..... but the big thing is still the weight....

Re: Please help me out

I agree with dm24angel... I've run into similar battles with DH because he's a health freak, mostly because his father died when he was 13 of heart disease. When I met him I was overweight and had the worst diet, and a few times he tried to talk to me about how I eat and how it's unhealthy for me to be overweight. I freaked out on him because in my mind I couldn't distinguish between him being concerned for my health, and him being concerned about my appearance. We had a long drawn out talk about it one night, and he assured me six million times over that he was attracted to me when we met and I was overweight and he will always be attracted to me, but that he doesn't want to lose me at an early age for health reasons... my point is, I don't think it's necessarily a horrible thing when a spouse is concerned about weight, but for HEALTH reasons. When that crosses the line to concern about 'appearances', and makes it into an attractive/non-attractive issue, that's when things have gone awry. I would seek counseling, and do everything you can to get him into counseling - it seems he definitely has image issues that he needs to work through.

Re: Please help me out

In a way you are saying that your weight is a deal-breaker for your husband. But then he still wants to have a child with you and continue the marriage. It sounds like the weight is just one issue and it might be manifesting from all of the other issues. Counseling seems like the best option as well as losing weight. But having a child would be the worst solution!!

Re: Please help me out