QOTD 4/17

Okay...so I posted this on LIF but I read a book and it is very thought provoking....

Baby Proof by Emily Griffin.

Basically a couple gets married with the agreement that NEITHER of them want a baby.Two yrs into marriage the husband changes his mind......problems insue.....WWYD??

oooOOOO that's a toughy...because if u both come to an agreement going into ur marraige - if one strays from that it's obviously going to cause issues!(lol can i state the obvious anymore?? this is what u just said the book was about )

HOWEVER, marraige is about compromise...and always meeting halfway..so i really don't know! I think many would just say 'well too bad u said u didn't want one' - but i think this is one of those situations where u cant speak untill ur in it! Maybe the compromise would be that you would have the baby, but the husband would be the sahd and be the primary caretaker??? i just don't know! also - i think once a woman becomes a mother it majorly changes u..so maybe u'd come around?? i really dont know! lol hopefully this is something that the dh & i never have to deal with!

here's a spinoff: what if u went into ur marraige saying u WANT kids, and 2years down the road the dh says he doesn't want them anymore??? hmm...

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Posted by ILOVEBRIAN2008

well DH and I both want kids...but if it was the opposite and all of a sudden he decided that he didn't want kids, I would have a HUGE problem with that

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Same here The book made me so sad, although I liked the ending, the whole idea irked me. I know people change their minds, it is natural, but also the repercussions are/can be scary

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Posted by jtgarsik

what happens in the book?? lol

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I dont wanna ruin the ending

It would be a huge problem!! WE have said no children. If DH decided that he wanted to be a dad, I would be really upset. If we could not reach an agreement then I would be afraid that it might be our breaking point.

LOL... I just finished this book yesterday.

DH and I both want kids but right now I'm in the character Daphne's situation.

But, if I didn't want kids ever and my husband did after a couple of years I think I would probably have a baby.

**Edited for too much info on the book.

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Posted by Kimbalina

It would be a huge problem!! WE have said no children. If DH decided that he wanted to be a dad, I would be really upset. If we could not reach an agreement then I would be afraid that it might be our breaking point.

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Agreed. DH and I both want children. If he decided 2 years from now that he didn't it would be a big problem for me. To know that I went all this time in my life planning we were going to have a family would devastate me.

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Posted by MSeed

LOL... I just finished this book yesterday.

DH and I both want kids but right now I'm in the character Daphne's situation.

But, if I didn't want kids ever and my husband did after a couple of years I think I would probably have a baby.

**Edited for too much info on the book.

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for you and baby dust (as they say on LIF I think )

I was thinking the whole time HAVE THE BABY..but that is easy for you and I to say bc we WANT BABIES, ya know? Would it be as easy to say....okay I just won't have one? hell no...it really is such a hard situation.

These are serious problem that can arise, even when one is ready and the other one isn't as yet. It is very important to be on the same page.

My husband jokingly tells me that I have to wait to have a child bc he will be in (med school) and I tell him very serious...you cannot tell me when to have a child 'it's my body' (even though I know he is joking) but I just say that just in case. I know if I wanted a child, there is no way my husband would take that from me.

But if it were the man who wants a child and the women doesn't and if no type of counseling works and if they can't come up with an agreement then the best thing would do is to separate. I think no one should miss out on the experience of having a child, especially being able to. (the same goes for the women wanting a child).

it's a really hard situation to deal with, one that i'm not sure many couples can really deal with. luckily most of us seem to be on the same page w/ our DH as far as wanting or not wanting children, but anyone can change their mind. really, what do you do in that situation?

hypothetically, if DH and i really never wanted children, and then 2-3 years down the road DH now wants kids, how do you compromise on that? just because he now wants children, does that mean i have to have kids? i may decide to have the baby to save the marriage, then end up hating my life, resenting him for making do something i really never wanted to do. it's such a life altering event, that it's really hard to see how things can be saved. would i be open to discussion about it, and re-evaluate my feelings to be sure i didn't want children - of course. but if after all that soul searching i know i never want children, and DH does, i don't see how it can continue. i wouldn't want to deny him being a father, but it couldn't be with me.

I was in the middle of writing something, and I realized that I really don't have an answer for this b/c I haven't been in that situation.

My original answer was that DH and I both agreed that we didn't want to have children, but we always say 'we will see'. I mean, if I were to find out I was pregnant tomorrow, we would make it work. I just don't want to deal with the stress and the screaming and the messes right now.

I had a friend who was married and she and her husband said that they would one day have a child. Then years down the road she said that she wanted to start having kids. She even stopped smoking weed b/c of it. He then said that he didn't want to have children. They unfortunately wound up getting divorced b/c the fights just escaladed from then on.




Edited b/c I still didn't like my answer lol nvm

That's a toughy. Honestly I probably would have the baby...but again that's coming from the mindset that I want one. It's a tough compromise to do something you agreed you wouldn't do from the beginning.

DH and I have spoken about what if we can't have one. How far would we go to try to have children??

We both decided that maybe I would do some hormonal treatment if I can't concieve naturally but if that didn't work we wouldn't go any furthur and we would only try that for 1 year. After that we would just accept the fact that we wouldn't have children, which would be hard for b0th of us but we rather preserve our relationship than lose it in the quest to have children. We also decided we wouldn't adopt.

When my uncle married his wife (fondly known as *****'s sister)- she didnt want kids but he DESPERATELY did, she had agreed that they would have one. they never did- they are now both horribly bitter

I hate to say this- but if I was in that situation, I think its a deal-breaker- I have seen what it did to my uncle and its just so sad

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Posted by Songstress

I think that would be horribly unfair for the other party. Its not easy to just say okay fine since you want one, lets do it. Having a child is more than that. I imagine in the book they end up divorced? That would tear two people apart I think.

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I think the party that changes their mind is in the wrong, although I know people change their minds. To me this issue is too important to not have resolved before marriage.

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Posted by lizzie217

I think the party that changes their mind is in the wrong, although I know people change their minds. To me this issue is too important to not have resolved before marriage.

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i agree..they are in the wrong if they came to an agreement beforehand..buuuut - time & maturity can change a person..i've seen it happen many times where people say 'oh gosh i dont want kids!' and then 5years down the road their mindset is changing & want a family.. i do agree that it's more the person that change's their mind's fault - but it just sux either way.. in a marraige u cant really say 'well u agreed to this so too bad' ...that will obviously just cause MAJOR resentment..it really is a tough one - i dont really have an answer! it is definetly something that can drive a couple apart though..many counseling sessions that's for sure!

A good friend of mine was 22 when she got married to a much older man who already had 2 kids. At the time she said she never wanted children (I told her over and over again she would change her mind), but her DH did not and does not want kids. Now that she is 26 she wants to have children. Its a very big problem in their marriage.

Since DH and I both want children, I can't imagine him changing his mind and saying he didn't. I don't know if I could handle living my entire life without having children. I think its sad and unfair to both people in the relationship, when one person changes their mind.

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Posted by lizzie217

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Posted by Songstress

I think that would be horribly unfair for the other party. Its not easy to just say okay fine since you want one, lets do it. Having a child is more than that. I imagine in the book they end up divorced? That would tear two people apart I think.

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I think the party that changes their mind is in the wrong, although I know people change their minds. To me this issue is too important to not have resolved before marriage.

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I agree! The one who changes their mind is definitely in the wrong.