DH & I decided that we were going to have to turn down some wedding invitations since it can be very expensive to attend alot of weddings. We just can't afford it with a mortgage, one salary, one child and another on the way. I mean, I would never not attend a close friend or family member's wedding but we have to draw the line somewhere.
We received an invite from a guy in my DH's firehouse for his wedding. First, my DH just got transferred to that house about 2 months ago and he doesnt really know the guy too well, I'm not even sure if he knew the guy was getting married. He was surprised to receive the invite. My DH is his superior so I said he probably didnt know what's the proper etiquette and didnt want to insult the officers in the house and invited them. Or for all I know, they are the type who invite EVERYONE to their wedding.
So here's my question...we are not going to attend but are we supposed to send a gift? With my wedding, we had some people not attend who did send a gift and some who didnt so I'm not sure. Plus we knew all those guests, which is different from this situation.
Anyone up on the etiquette as to sending a gift? On one hand, I really don't feel like putting out money for people I dont even know just because they decided to add us to their guest list (and truthfully can't really afford to spend) but on the other hand, I don't want to be cheap either.
I had 2 invites from people I worked with...who I knew for a time...and we were not available for their weddings...although if we were we probably wouldn't have gone...
I got a little something from their registry...$40-50...
the kicker is that NEITHER sent us a thank you...so I am pissed that I sent anything...(both declined our wedding...and neither sent a gift)
but I don't think I could ever not send something....
not sure if I healped...
karen32
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
i think you should definitely send a little something - $50 sounds good. most of the people who declined for our wedding sent a check with the decline - and most were about $50 for a couple. family members that i am super-close with sent more. a few also sent registry items.
Teri
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
For us, the ones that did decline and send a gift were only closer family - no friends. I really didn't expect anything from the friends that couldn't make it either. I would probably do the same but maybe I'm just cheap?!
anna
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
We did the same recently with a coworker's wedding. Got a gift off the registry.
HeatherandNick
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
a gift from the registry sounds like a good idea, am I correct t assume you do not even know where they are registered if you are not that close with them.
For those who couldn't attend our wedding we did receive checks ranging from $50 - $200. Of course the latter was family. There were also some who didn't send anything. I don't think it is written anywhere that you have to send soemthing if you do not go, more of just a nice gesture.
HTH
Jenn P
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
I'm going to deviate from the minority and say if money's tight and you barely know these people don't send anything. If it was a close friend or family member then I could see sacrificing (more than I'm sure you already are) a little to send them something nice. But that's not that case. Wish him well but unless Derek feels strongly about it I wouldn't send a gift. Like you said, you have to draw the line somewhere.
janwinterbridejoy
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
i agree if you truly cant afford it i wouldnt do it. im sure that since your d.h was his new supervisor he figutred it was the correct thing to do.
Stacey1403
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
Posted by Jenn P
I'm going to deviate from the minority and say if money's tight and you barely know these people don't send anything. If it was a close friend or family member then I could see sacrificing (more than I'm sure you already are) a little to send them something nice. But that's not that case. Wish him well but unless Derek feels strongly about it I wouldn't send a gift. Like you said, you have to draw the line somewhere.
I have to agree
Wendy
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
You aren't obligated to give a gift if you are not attending a wedding. We had this same situation last year with one of DH's co-workers. I don't know him at all and DH works with him, but doesn't socialize or know him other than at work. All of the people that work in their unit were invited, although none went. They threw him a party at work a few days before and purchased a group gift.
If it were someone that I knew outside of work I would feel differently but in this case I wouldn't send anything.
dcwife
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
You definitely don't have to give a gift. We had many family memebers and friends who did not come who did not give a gift. You should not feel obligated to give a gift just because you got an invite.
normally I would agree and say you don't have to get a gift....but as a supervisor that brings in other issues for DH...
Claud2001
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
I understand the budget issues - especially w/baby #2 on the way, but I would send a little something to them. If it were me, I'd look at the registry and see if I could find an item on sale, or I'd just send a small thoughtful something w/a card and leave it at that.
Also keep in mind - your DH is the person's superior at the firehouse - you don't want to insult him and cause any animosity (subconscious or not) between this guy and Derek. Even though Derek was just transferred, he still has to work with this guy for who knows how long, right?
I'm a little surprised by how many women are saying you don't need to send anything - especially b/c everyone on LIW always gets so uptight about being 'stiffed' by their own wedding guests who either attened or didn't. Oh well.
Catch22
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
I would have to agree with the whole 'send something from the registry' posse. especially since your dh is his supervisor. my boss didn't come to my wedding, his wife sent to the house a mikasa vase (not on the registry but very nice). I was glad they acknowledged my wedding, if they didn't it could have gotten a bit awkward... just my 2 cents...
Niecey
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
For me it was 50/50 if people sent a gift who was not able to come to my wedding and the gifts ranged from $50-$200. I personally would stills end a gift even if it is just something small. I would either do a check for $50 or a gift from the registry. Esp since you said DH is his superior...as someone's manager I would feel bad not doing that.
KarenG
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
I would not attend the wedding but since DH is his supervisor, I would send a gift.
If you can make the trip, go to the Lenox or Mikasa outlet in riverhead and buy something there.
Or you can shop online at Macy's from Lenox's wedding promises collection.
This 8 x 10 picture frame is $22.99 on sale now and the album is also on sale for $29.99 (and holds 160 photos). My cousin received the album as an engagement gift and she loves it.
I am going to send a gift. I'll look at their registry (I found them listed at Macy's) and come up with something. I guess I knew it was the right thing to do all along but we never got invited to a wedding where neither of us hardly knew the couple. Thanks for all the responses.
Tammy5-03
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
I think you made the right decision. Maybe you don't have to send a gift when you don't know the couple well but its nice. I didn't get many gifts from people who declined-including family-but I still think its the right thing. I agree that it should be something small off the registry.
franksbride
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
I think sending them a little something from their registry is going to be perfect.
jlf41
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Re: Question re: not attending a wedding.
Posted by Claud2001
I'm a little surprised by how many women are saying you don't need to send anything - especially b/c everyone on LIW always gets so uptight about being 'stiffed' by their own wedding guests who either attened or didn't. Oh well.
We are on the same wavelength!
I think you made the right decision to send something. I was under the impression that you always send a gift, even if you don't attend the wedding. We usually send a check with a card the same say we send our regrets in the reply card.
