relationship question: is it 50/50 or not?

Here's my question: do you strive for 50/50 every day in your relationship with your husband or do you take more of a long term approach - looking for 50/50 over the long term but accepting at certain points the burden of the relationship can swing way off of that?

I'm not sure if I' making any sense, so please excuse my babble if its incoherent. I guess I ask because I've always taken the position that a marriage is 50/50 over the long run and at times one person needs to shoulder more than the other (in some cases a lot more). I've taken a lot of flak for that stance, moreso even because my girlfriends feel that my FH hasn't held up his share in a while. There are a lot of reasons why, but I agree things with us are not so much at a 50/50 level. I don't know if I need to reevaluate my entire notion of how a marriage is supposed to work, or if I'm OK as I am, knowing that over the long run we will reach a balance.

I'm not a newlywed, but I think you are right--it (hopefully) should be 50/50 over the long run, with ups and downs along the way, sometimes each partner needs more help along the way.

A friend of mine just got married a year and a half ago, and her husband just broke his leg really badly, and she has to take care of him--he can't walk, can barely move from one room to another, and has a lot of needs that she never thought she'd have to address. She told me, 'When I took my vows, better or worse, I never thought that the worse would come so quickly'. But she does what she has to do. Now, her husband is physically unable to do anything, so they are now about 90/10...

I guess for me it depends on the reason things are not equal. If your husband is just being lazy, I might talk to him. But most relationships are not always 50 50, with each partner taking turns taking care of the other at different times. Now I don't know if I'm making sense!! I guess what really matters is how YOU feel in your marriage. Some people are more nurturing than others. I know in my marriage, I will probably be giving more than my FH on a normal day to day basis, because I always take it upon myself to help or get things done.

I hope this helps.

I agree with your view on relationships in general (I know nothing about your personal situation).

I can't imagine keeping score with DH on a day to day basis.

Overall we are always there for each other as a cheerleader or a shoulder to lean on. There will be times in our lives when we need more support and I expect DH will always be there when I need it, just as I will always be there for him.

There is no such thing as 50/50, that mean you are only giving 50% of yourself to your relationship, which is wrong and you are expecting the same of your FI/husband. This is the world's view of marriage, its wrong.

We have to always strive to give 100% of ourselves, we should do and act not b/c someone else does or act. This leads only to disappointment. I used to believe in the 50/50 concept, I have been re-trained.

Be careful where and who you get your information from, you are the ones that have to live the life together, do not use anyone else's ruler/yard stick to measure your relationship.

There is no he do his part or I won't do my part, that stance will never work, both people will only end up bitter, isolated, disappointed and resentment will build.

I am not a newlywed but I have to agree with Shamma. Marriage is about giving your all to someone and in order to do that you have to put your whole self into the relationship. Also look at your friends who you are taking advice from before you take it to heart. Take advice from people who are sucessful in there relationship, and who you admire. Marriage is hard work and the only way it can work is if you give it your all and not worry about keeping score of who is doing what.

Bridget

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Posted by bridget&jimmy

I am not a newlywed but I have to agree with Shamma. Marriage is about giving your all to someone and in order to do that you have to put your whole self into the relationship. Also look at your friends who you are taking advice from before you take it to heart. Take advice from people who are sucessful in there relationship, and who you admire. Marriage is hard work and the only way it can work is if you give it your all and not worry about keeping score of who is doing what.

Bridget

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The only list I try to keep these days are of his good points, I want him not to focus on my short comings so I try my best not to focus on his.

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Posted by shamma

There is no such thing as 50/50, that mean you are only giving 50% of yourself to your relationship, which is wrong and you are expecting the same of your FI/husband. This is the world's view of marriage, its wrong.

We have to always strive to give 100% of ourselves, we should do and act not b/c someone else does or act. This leads only to disappointment. I used to believe in the 50/50 concept, I have been re-trained.

Be careful where and who you get your information from, you are the ones that have to live the life together, do not use anyone else's ruler/yard stick to measure your relationship.

There is no he do his part or I won't do my part, that stance will never work, both people will only end up bitter, isolated, disappointed and resentment will build.

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Beautifully said Shamma.
I have to agree, I used to be a 'tally-keeper' and so did DH, esp during wedding planning. I cannot tell you how many times I yelled at him about how I was doing EVERYTHING for the wedding, he was no help, blah blah. I have learned that I would rather be happy than right, and keeping track of who is 'giving more' can only lead to arguements. We lwean on each other, support each other, and I really want to make sure my hubby is happy & loved, I know he feels the same way about me.

I think that there are some times when people do give too much of themselves for their husbands or vice versa. Many women in our age have heard the expression marriage takes hard work. But we need to better define just what that 'work' is. If a woman is getting abused for an example, is doing everything- working, cooking and cleaning and the man is lazy and/or selfish- this catch phrase cant be used. It can turn abusive. At a time when one is sick, that is the time the other should do 90%. It should NOT be the other way around. The person who is sick should not be doing 90%. JMO.

Also the person who is doing 90% could be giving into many hopes and dreams that they need and want. That person is just as important in the relationship and needs to try through talking to the other to even out the playing field a little and make certain it is a little closer to even, if that makes sense.

I totally agree with Shamma, 100/100 is how it should be. To a degree I think marriage is work in the sense of how you both evolve and keeping up with the changes of each other as you grow. However, when you really look at marriage logically it's really all about respect, honesty, trust, acceptance and liking each other! It really is that simple! Everything else pretty much falls into place.

Marriage won't be a bed of roses every day and like everything else in life you have ups and downs, but if you accept each other for who you truly are you stop measuring who does what and how much.

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Posted by shamma

There is no such thing as 50/50, that mean you are only giving 50% of yourself to your relationship, which is wrong and you are expecting the same of your FI/husband. This is the world's view of marriage, its wrong.

We have to always strive to give 100% of ourselves, we should do and act not b/c someone else does or act. This leads only to disappointment. I used to believe in the 50/50 concept, I have been re-trained.

Be careful where and who you get your information from, you are the ones that have to live the life together, do not use anyone else's ruler/yard stick to measure your relationship.

There is no he do his part or I won't do my part, that stance will never work, both people will only end up bitter, isolated, disappointed and resentment will build.

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Perfectly said Shamma!!

Gotta agree with Shamma regarding giving 100%, as well as comments about looking at the big picture, and not measuring chore for chore.

I easily do more of the day-to-day in terms of time, but then, for example, DH can't cook to save his life, and I can whip up a gourmet meal as easily as heating a can of soup or making a grilled cheese sandwich, so doing all the cooking is not a big deal. I actually enjoy cooking.

And, he, who's works from a home office and sets his own schedule, will give up 2 days of work to get major problems on my car fixed, and that counts a lot for me - I hate dealing with car problems.

The bottom line is that we both feel we contribute in the areas we do best, and make an effort to be supportive where we can in the areas we don't manage as well.

For what it's worth, we've been together several years before our marraige, and over the years as he's seen what it really takes to maintain a house, he's gotten better about pitching in - not because I nagged him, or we had a set list of chores, but purely out of love, and wanting to make me happy. And that's what it's really all about.

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Posted by shamma

There is no such thing as 50/50, that mean you are only giving 50% of yourself to your relationship, which is wrong and you are expecting the same of your FI/husband. This is the world's view of marriage, its wrong.

We have to always strive to give 100% of ourselves, we should do and act not b/c someone else does or act. This leads only to disappointment. I used to believe in the 50/50 concept, I have been re-trained.

Be careful where and who you get your information from, you are the ones that have to live the life together, do not use anyone else's ruler/yard stick to measure your relationship.

There is no he do his part or I won't do my part, that stance will never work, both people will only end up bitter, isolated, disappointed and resentment will build.

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i totally agree with you 100 percent

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Posted by sept20yay

I think that there are some times when people do give too much of themselves for their husbands or vice versa. Many women in our age have heard the expression marriage takes hard work. But we need to better define just what that 'work' is. If a woman is getting abused for an example, is doing everything- working, cooking and cleaning and the man is lazy and/or selfish- this catch phrase cant be used. It can turn abusive. At a time when one is sick, that is the time the other should do 90%. It should NOT be the other way around. The person who is sick should not be doing 90%. JMO.

Also the person who is doing 90% could be giving into many hopes and dreams that they need and want. That person is just as important in the relationship and needs to try through talking to the other to even out the playing field a little and make certain it is a little closer to even, if that makes sense.

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I don't think the giving of yourself would count in the situation of abuse. When there is abuse, the abused person has to get as far away from the abuser as possible, I am sure we would all agree. We are responding to every day normal living etc.

I really do believe that if you hold your mate to a high standard he/she cannot help but step up to the plate and do his or her part. This does not mean you should not do your part if your mate does not do his or her part.

Did anyone hear the story of the 8 cow woman?? In a culture the most sought after women, the parents are usually given 4 cows for their hand in marriage. There was one woman whose parents was told she will never get married, b/c no one would be willing to give even 1 cow for her

A man came to her father and offered 8 cows for her hand in marriage. When asked why he offered 8 cows he said that I wanted an 8 cow woman.

People will behave in a manner in what you expect of them. If you expect your mate to be a lazy and not help out, they will fall in to that role, but if you encourage and hold them up to a high standard they will not want to disappoint you.