spinoff to the dramalicious 08 thread

i've repeatedly heard 'the first year of marriage is the hardest'

of course there are a lot of adjustments -- shared finances, family issues, living together (if you didnt already)

do you think living together before marriage eases the 'hard first year' thing? for the not-so-newlyweds... did you find the first year 'hard' and did you live together before?

i'm not trying to be dramalicious, so i apologize in advance if i offend someone

ETA: we've lived together since may 07 and split expenses but didnt truly share finances (we just now linked our accounts and consider all money 'ours') i think much of our stress is going to be linked to other issues -- primarily location and where we will live when i graduate

I think the 'first year of marriage being the hardest' derives from a time when most couples DID NOT live together before the wedding and since more and more couples live together before marriage, it is also an outdated statement.

Living together is an adjustment. If you've lived together for a while before marriage, shared household duties, expenses, bank accounts in some instances, etc, then all that 'adjustment' doesn't even exist after you get married.

I know I can't answer for everyone on here that lived together before marriage, but DH and l lived together for 4 1/2 years, already shared bank accounts, were each other's beneficiaries, etc, so after the wedding, we went home and lived like any other day. Sure I have another ring on my finger but there was no adjustment to speak of, therefore the first year of my marriage is no different and not hard at all.

We did not live together before the wedding & our first year was a piece of cake. Our relationship in general has always been easy because we both have easy going personalities.

Don't get me wrong, we have had some dumb fights in the past but nothing damaging to our relationship.

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Posted by missliss

I think the 'first year of marriage being the hardest' derives from a time when most couples DID NOT live together before the wedding and since more and more couples live together before marriage, it is also an outdated statement.

Living together is an adjustment. If you've lived together for a while before marriage, shared household duties, expenses, bank accounts in some instances, etc, then all that 'adjustment' doesn't even exist after you get married.

I know I can't answer for everyone on here that lived together before marriage, but DH and l lived together for 4 1/2 years, already shared bank accounts, were each other's beneficiaries, etc, so after the wedding, we went home and lived like any other day. Sure I have another ring on my finger but there was no adjustment to speak of, therefore the first year of my marriage is no different and not hard at all.

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ITA

Dh and I lived together (now for over 7 years) we didnt lose that 'newlywed' time, YES when we came home after the wedding things were different but they were more exciting.

We knew each others habits that we didnt mind, which ones made us NUTS, etc. etc.

I dont think its for everyone, its definitely a personal choice for an 2 people in a relationship. The first year of marriage there was no adjustment, no weirdness, no getting used to each other, etc. It was smooth sailing

In 2 days it will be 8 months, so we haven't been married a year yet, but in all honesty this year was the BEST year of my life!

We went to school together for 2 1/2 years before we got married, so we basically 'lived' together on campus lol, so maybe thats how we adjusted slowly to one another? I'm not really sure, but once we moved into our own home it was GREAT! We moved in a few months before the wedding, and once we found out we were having a baby we moved to live closer to our parents.

I LOVE living with DH, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I really think we've been blessed to have such a smooth transition, so far. Our babys due date is around our 1 yr. anniversary, so we know next year will be a bit more hectic, but we're sooo looking forward to it!

I was told that since we moved in together before the wedding, that things would feel the same after we were married, but to be quite honest, I still find that I love him more and more each and everyday. He's just such a great man, and living together has def. shown that side of him.

On the other hand though, my SIL and her DH lived together before they were married, and there first year together wasn't to good, they speak about divorce every time I hear from them , so I think its different for everyone, I really dont think living together or not will ultimately change the future.

i'm gonna just c&p what i wrote on the 08 thread:


I didn't live with my DH before we got married really--we moved into our apt. like 2 wks before the wedding and I was really just staying there. I loved it! Honestly I think the whole 'the first year is the hardest' of marriage is load of crap. The first year is fantastic--you're newlyweds, having a great time.

Now making it work beyond that HM phase is when its harder---the cute newness of being a NW wears off and you have to work on your relationship. Whether you live together beforehand or not--I don't think that has anything to do with whether you can maintain a marriage.

we moved in 5 months before our wedding, during that time everything was more newlyweddie then now. After being married we are now just taking in the whole share and not individual thing. We split the rent and everything else is your own bill (my car is my car his car is his car, etc) but sometimes i feel it would be best if we just put both checks in one checking account and take money from there but this is a big adjustment to my DH who is 35 and use to doing things on his own.

I feel it depends on the relationship. We are happy but have to deal with adjusting still. But I think some people go through it right away (slightly delayed for us) and some people go through it later on. Eventually the adjusting pops up and the realness of the relationship is actualized.

I am sure everyone's response will be different and I just saw the 08 thread and am sure she meant no harm in posting what she thought was phrased as a general question.

DH and I personally came from very old school traditional Spanish-Italian households where the child usually doesn't leave home for the first time until they get married. Following the same traditions worked for us and does not mean that we know each other less because we had not lived together before we got married. We have been a couple for 8 years and have known each other 12, the best and worst of us has been bound to come out on all of our time spent together as friends, dating, engaged, and now married. Sure we adjusted to each others habits while living together for the first time, but for us that was part of the Newlywed package and we are willing to work any differences out. For me it doesn't bring up the question, should I have lived with him first before we got married? I love him unconditionally and would have married him regardless of his cleaning OCD!

Ok, here's my take on this subject ...

I don't think that either 'side' of this discussion can ever really truly know what it is like for the 'other side' ... you can imagine that it would be easier, harder, whatever ... but its hard to really say how it IS, ya know?

DH & I lived together for about 3 years before we even got engaged. Then we were engaged for a year and a half. So by the time we got married, we were together for 6 1/2 years and living together for 4 1/2 of those years.

As far as the first year of marriage ... for us we had a period of giggly-ness ... but basically it DID feel the same as before we got married ... just without the wedding planning stress . That's not a sad thing IMHO, though I know some of the 'didn't-live-together-before' girls have said it is.

We have had a rough year, but that's not marriage related. I have had a very hard year health-wise. But my DH has proven to me over and over again that we would do anything within his power to care for me, make me comfortable, calm my nerves, and make me as happy as I can possibly be at any given moment. And that makes me

my mom said it best a few years ago - it should be required for people who intend to marry to live with each other first.

i personally learned a LOT by living with my ex. I didn't know he was bi-polar until i moved in with him and got to see him 24/7 in some cases. he didn't become verbally abusive until then either..so wow - was that a lesson.

Dave and I got through a VERY rough first 6 months and got very close, very quickly. We moved in together, month 7 of dating and i wouldn't change a THING. It allowed us to grow TOGETHER, learn more about each other, etc.

NOT one single thing has changed now that we are married. We joke about it regularly, like, what's the big deal...

This is just my experience...but i think if you live together first, it shows you a LOT about the other person.

I have NO CLUE what happened in another thread - so i'm sorry i missed it.

I actually think the 08 post was pretty drama-free. The girl got so defensive I thought it was sure to turn bad fast but guess not! Although she did say on another post that in order for these boards to be drama free you cant say your opinion. I just dont understand why she doesnt get that when you say HOW CAN YOU, or HOW CAN ANYONE, its just a judgemental way of asking a question. People start a question off that way when they dont agree with something.

Anyway, my mother advised me to live with someone before I got married. And that was crazy coming from my mom because she knew what a prude I was. I planned on being a virgin when I married so living together was out of the question regardless of what my mom said. But that was the past I met DH and I quickly realized he was the one I wanted to spend my life with, the virginity thing didnt work out too well but I did marry my first which was pretty close to me. We ended up moving in together because circumstances were just right. And let me tell you, IM SO GLAD WE DID. We went through a rough stage and I think that stage would have been rougher if we were already married because we would have had that added pressure. Knowing you can walk away from something makes it easier to deal with it in my book. And that was my younger state of mind. I would never think that way now. But thats how we acted back in the day and moving in together helped us get over the hurdles we would be dealing with now. Okay sorry for the STORY

As far as finances, we've been sharing them since before we moved in. Only because we both started out with nothing and made money together. Weve never had issues about finances.

I think there are shades to the whole living together thing--it's not just about living together, but what your living situations have been. Of course individual people always react differently to the same situations so you really can't make any generalizations.

For DH and I, we did not live together before marriage, but we had been together for 7 years and had spent a lot of time at each others' places, learning those things that many ladies have brought up as things to get used to. DH actually used to say he would never get married without living together first, but it didn't make sense in our lives at that point. Then he proposed! I was suprised b/c he said he would want to live together first, but it still didn't make sense for us job-wise and living situation-wise. He said he thought a lot and just knew it was right and didn't want to wait!

As someone who had been living on her own for a few years, I wanted DH to do the same so he would really understand what goes into running and maintaining a household. He had been in grad school and had basically lived with his family, then in dorms at college, then off campus houses with 4 other guys for 4 years (end of college and grad school). He moved out on his own for about 10 months before I moved in with him. I think this really helped b/c for the first time he was responsible for everything (bills, utilities, cleaning, etc) and I think that really helped our transition to living together--we both understood each other, and understood what needs to happen to maintain our home

Sorry so long, just our story! As for the 1st year being hard, it's been pretty good so far!

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Posted by Snick n Nick

I think there are shades to the whole living together thing--it's not just about living together, but what your living situations have been. Of course individual people always react differently to the same situations so you really can't make any generalizations.

For DH and I, we did not live together before marriage, but we had been together for 7 years and had spent a lot of time at each others' places, learning those things that many ladies have brought up as things to get used to. DH actually used to say he would never get married without living together first, but it didn't make sense in our lives at that point. Then he proposed! I was suprised b/c he said he would want to live together first, but it still didn't make sense for us job-wise and living situation-wise. He said he thought a lot and just knew it was right and didn't want to wait!

As someone who had been living on her own for a few years, I wanted DH to do the same so he would really understand what goes into running and maintaining a household. He had been in grad school and had basically lived with his family, then in dorms at college, then off campus houses with 4 other guys for 4 years (end of college and grad school). He moved out on his own for about 10 months before I moved in with him. I think this really helped b/c for the first time he was responsible for everything (bills, utilities, cleaning, etc) and I think that really helped our transition to living together--we both understood each other, and understood what needs to happen to maintain our home

Sorry so long, just our story! As for the 1st year being hard, it's been pretty good so far!

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HA! i really wish my DH lived on is own first....his mother did everything for him...cook, clean, laundry....and now he doesn't know how to do it...and I guess i'm not a good help either b/c now I do it for him! It is something i knew in advance though b/c I think that could be a toughy when moving in...knowing who does what in the house..

It all depends what your situation is the first year you live together regardless of whether you are married or not. I didn't live with dh until after the wedding. At first we lived in a cheap apartment without a worry then we bought a house. With the house came loads of responsibility, bills, work and stress. It wasn't exactly bad stress but it can be tough. I think if you are dating, married or living with a best friend that situation can be tough. Added on top of that is the adjustment to living together.

I lived away from my parents for four years before I was married my dh lived out of his parent's house for a few years too. I am glad I saw what it was like to be independent, to grocery shop, cook, do laundry and learn how to balance my budget. If I moved in with dh straight out of my parent's house and he did the same I think it would have been a nightmare.

I loved my first year of marriage it was an adjustment for the both of us but sometimes chnage is good . Now if only he would stop using seven towels everytime he takes a friggin shower and things would be great.

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Posted by MeNBobs

Now if only he would stop using seven towels everytime he takes a friggin shower and things would be great.

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