okay.. while i have a few minutes.. here are some more:
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Today, I ate at Chipotle. There was a girl sitting alone, so I asked if I could eat lunch with her. She said yes, and as I sat down I tried to open my bag of chips. When trying to do so, my hand slipped, and I punched myself in the face. She laughed, and promptly left. FML
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Today, at work my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said 'What's up *****? What are you going to complain about now?!' It was actually my boss. FML
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Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML
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Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML
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(605):
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
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(503):
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
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(360):
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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(209):
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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(317):
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
(1-317):
He's the ******* cop whisperer.
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(440):
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be 'I just farted a little'
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(804):
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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(210):
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
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(913):
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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okay. the end.
happy friday!
