Valentines Day Funnies 2*14*11
All hail the queen! Shower her with flowers and gifts and sing her praises so that she may decide to reach out and touch you! Sit on the floor at her feet like dogs! You’re so lucky to be in royal presence! If only she would distribute some bread and water for sustenance.
Ladies, ladies…cheer up! This is the moment you’ve been waiting for your whole lives! Finally, you’re wearing beautiful wedding gowns, getting married, AND indulging in your obvious love of tree-climbing …all on the same day! What is there to pout about?
The submitter says, “I will never understand why people go to McDonald’s on their wedding, let alone why they bring a photographer.” Hey, me neither! I’ve remarked on this quite a bit, but like trans grease in a fryer, it looks like this trend will be sticking around. Here’s a piece of advice, though, and this is gonna sound REALLY rude (because it is): If you make a pit stop at McDonald’s on your wedding day and bring a photographer with you, try not to pose in such a way where it appears that you have back fat sliding out of your dress. It’s just a bad idea. :( Also, that bridesmaid needs to step off (literally) the bride’s dress!
um....
how effing CUTE!!!
THIS IS FCKUING AWESOME!
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Always be on your guard in a public restroom. The next person who comes in might want to use the stall you're in, and they might be in such a hurry that they pull on the door hard enough to break the lock. #LFMF
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When searching the internet for a new sheet set for your son's room, do not search 'bedding teen boys.' You will not get the results you wanted. #LFMF
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Remember next time that you decide to search XXX on google images. The results will not be a Vin Diesel movie. #LFMF
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If it's extremely windy out, do not wear that one shirt of yours that comes unbuttoned easily, even if 'it probably won't come undone.' It will. Often. #LFMF
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where does he end and she begin?
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Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of 'Fart', and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML
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Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
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Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying 'We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up' I stumbled and said 'We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up...' FML
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Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML
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Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML
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gag:
Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML
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Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
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(636):
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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(612):
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
(612):
we need ur ladder
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(702):
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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(518):
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
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(404):
You just kept saying 'they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet.'
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(716):
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody siht outside of our door.
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(815):
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
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HAPPY FIRST VALENTINES DAY FELLOW NEWLYWEDS!
