Vent

Well, my husband has two kids. He has them when he was a teen and his baby mama was 16. Anyways, since my husband left her, it was drama after drama, despite the fact that she has a husband and 2 other kids. Well today her husband drops of DH's kids at work with a letter where she gives us parental right. Can you believe this c*nt! What a ******* mother!

Now of course I can't tell DH oh no I don't want them or I am leaving this marriage because you knew I never wanted to play the momma role before my time. I'm just upset and worried because I feel our marriage is going to really encounter issues because we will be living with his kids.

for 1) I don't cook not even for DH. 2) I go to school 3) I like take time for my hobby, etc.

and now we won't be free to do whatever we want whenever we want. Now vacations will have to be placed on hold, I won't be able to say oh lets go here tonight without having to worry about anything.

I hope you pro step kids don't jump to attack me but instead put yourselves in my shoes. I barely enjoyed our marriage as newly wed because we were both going to school, and all this time I thought to myself no biggie we will make it up this summer. I planned on going out every single weekend! And now my weekend will revolve around children. I just hope everything works out for all of us

It must be difficult to deal with i'll admit that. I hate when dh and i don't have time to do things on our own that we want to do. I adore kids and yes when im around them i want them, but i dont want kids now for this particular reason. I like dh and i making plans to do things just us two, even if its last minute, i want to go away when were able to of course.

However, with all that said, i hate to say this but you knew his situation before you married him. I don't mean this in a bad way either so don't take it the wrong way but not like this is something that is a surprise, you knew even before you were married, since you were dating that this is a man with 2 kids and anybody with kids will have to devote time to them. Tell you the truth, it would be messed up if he didn't, a man not taking responsibility well isn't a man so be proud that he is handling his responsibilities. This was a decision you had to made once you met him, and decide then whether or not to continue with this situation. Again, dont take it the wrong way but these are all things you should've really thought about even before marriage. Parents have more responsibilities and yeah can't just take off whenever they want, and will have these kids in their lives forever.

There is nothing you can do about his kids, no matter how much you hate the situation, there is nothing you can do to change that. Getting upset about it will only cause problems in your relationship. Instead you need to find a way to deal with this and accept it or else this will cause problems for the rest of your lives. Maybe you can't go away whenever you want, but you can still go away. You'll have to plan a bit more and figure out everyones schedules but these are sacrifices that have to be made. Whenever you two have the opportunity to do whatever you want to do, then take advantage of that. Every single relationship there have to be sacrifices made, not the same as yours but every relationship will deal with sacrifices. Relationships aren't easy, things don't always go as planned, but until you learn how to deal with this, im afraid it will just cause you more aggravation.

yes; she is a total piece of sh!t. She told the eldest that she is giving him to his dad bc the older he gets the more he looks like him. She is still obsessed with DH, she leaves him messages with crazy stuff, and what I don't get is that her stupid husband knows all of this. **** if she can give up her first 2 kids, she can easily give up her other two, but I know that won't happen unless her husband leaves hers.

What's sad that to DH's kids everything she does is normal. I also feel bad for her other two kids 1) cause they are stuck with her but 2) because they are DH's siblings.

People like her don't deserve to be walking around freely.

However, with all that said, i hate to say this but you knew his situation before you married him. I don't mean this in a bad way either so don't take it the wrong way but not like this is something that is a surprise, you knew even before you were married, since you were dating that this is a man with 2 kids and anybody with kids will have to devote time to them. Tell you the truth, it would be messed up if he didn't, a man not taking responsibility well isn't a man so be proud that he is handling his responsibilities. This was a decision you had to made once you met him, and decide then whether or not to continue with this situation. Again, dont take it the wrong way but these are all things you should've really thought about even before marriage. Parents have more responsibilities and yeah can't just take off whenever they want, and will have these kids in their lives forever.

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I know this whole thing about a man with two kids, but yes when I got with him I knew, but I was also 18. An 18 year old doesn't think as clearly as a 24 year old. I fell in love with him and my love for him was stronger so I couldn't walk away from the situation. Also, having two kids and have certain responsibilities is totally different from 100% responsibility, yes I would think he would have the kids lets say if that ***** died, but this is not the case, she gave them up like nothing, so I am upset bc I was not ready for this, and it will take time for me to adjust to the situation. Will his kids be better off with us sure, they are now in a safe place. but what worries me despite the fact that 'I knew he had kids' is that now our lives will change completely. Is it fair? No. Is there something I can do? No, just try to take it easy, but you (not necessarily you) have to understand that it is not easy, and the answer is you knew he had kids. My dad has 8 kids (3 different women). He devoted time to his kids, but never had 1 women raise the other children. Also, the fact that I don't have kids also makes things worse. Bc if I had a child it would limit what I can do, that is why I don't chose to have a kid until I finish law school, till I travel as much as I want to. I'm just worried about how our relationship might change and how this may affect us. I just hope things do work out and we are able to also have a life outside the '4 of us.'

well with someone having kids you never know how the situation can turn out. Sometimes when a kid gets older they want to live with the other parent, or god forbid somebody passed away and now the other parent has to take the kid. I mean normally its BOTH parents responsibility to have the kid with them at all times, but in todays world there is divorce, separation, and doesn't always happen that way. You kinda have to expect the unexpected

I understand at 18 you thought differently, but even at 24 right before getting married you think about life together and know the man you're marrying does have kids. Again, sorry if you took it the wrong way. I know you're frustrated and i'll say it again but being frustrated about this and saying you didnt expect this to happen and not what you were expecting, is not going to change the situation. I know we all do this, things go wrong and all we do is focus on 'why is this happening, it's not supposed to happen this way' ive done this many times too but then fixating on that never fixed anything. You have to roll with the punches and take whatever life throws at you. We all have fantasies of newlywed life, ours hasn't gone the way we expected either. Again, the problem is we all have these fantasies so when they don't go accordingly, we don't know what to do but be upset. Nobody is saying you can't be upset, thats how you feel and however you feel is not wrong, you can't change that. But for your own good, the only thing to do is figure out a solution. Your only choices right now are being upset about it and letting it get to you and causing problems, or take a deep breath, let out your anger and then just sit down and both of you talk about this and figure out how this will work, if you don't come up with a way to make this work, you're just going to live in anger. And don't let the kids see it either, imagine what they're going through. Abandoned by their mother and now probably feeling like they're not wanted around.

I sympathize with your situation, im not trying to knock you, i feel bad. I just think the healthiest and best thing for you is figure out a way to live with this. Telling you to stay angry, won't make you feel better. I wish you the best of luck in the situation and hope somehow things workout for the best.

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Posted by Espo22

well with someone having kids you never know how the situation can turn out. Sometimes when a kid gets older they want to live with the other parent, or god forbid somebody passed away and now the other parent has to take the kid. I mean normally its BOTH parents responsibility to have the kid with them at all times, but in todays world there is divorce, separation, and doesn't always happen that way. You kinda have to expect the unexpected

I understand at 18 you thought differently, but even at 24 right before getting married you think about life together and know the man you're marrying does have kids. Again, sorry if you took it the wrong way. I know you're frustrated and i'll say it again but being frustrated about this and saying you didnt expect this to happen and not what you were expecting, is not going to change the situation. I know we all do this, things go wrong and all we do is focus on 'why is this happening, it's not supposed to happen this way' ive done this many times too but then fixating on that never fixed anything. You have to roll with the punches and take whatever life throws at you. We all have fantasies of newlywed life, ours hasn't gone the way we expected either. Again, the problem is we all have these fantasies so when they don't go accordingly, we don't know what to do but be upset. Nobody is saying you can't be upset, thats how you feel and however you feel is not wrong, you can't change that. But for your own good, the only thing to do is figure out a solution. Your only choices right now are being upset about it and letting it get to you and causing problems, or take a deep breath, let out your anger and then just sit down and both of you talk about this and figure out how this will work, if you don't come up with a way to make this work, you're just going to live in anger.

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no your right and I do plan on making this work it's just hard for me at the moment. This is technically day 1 and you can't really count this as day one cause they are staying over DH's mom house cause we are actually moving into a new apt. That's the problem with me I live in a fantasy world and not only that, I just could never imagine a mother giving up her own kids just like that like nothing. Plus I know that this is not the end of it and eventually she'll appear again, and really I think I had enough of her...I don't want her to ever be involved in our lives!

Is there any hope of sitting down with her and coming up with a solution where they share joint custody. She can't just give her kids away like that whenever she wants, she needs to realize what she is doing to those kids. Somebody needs to set her straight. What about telling her that if she gives up her kids like this then you will take her to court and she will never be able to see them. Maybe going a bit far but seems like with this girl, drastic measures have to be taken. I am sure if she gets scared about not seeing her kids maybe she'll reconsider things.

I know my posts came off a bit critical but they really weren't. I feel for the drama you have to deal with and its not a healthy situation for anyone involved. Maybe you need a night away with friends for now or go to a spa tomorrow and take time for yourself, you need it

No there's no solution with her crazy @ss. I think it's best for all of us. This way DH kids is away from such a lunatic, and he doesn't have to deal with her or her husband. I really doubt she cares to be honest with you. I think she has some mental issues to tell you the truth. The only way I would ever accept her seeing her kids is if she gets evaluated and gets the help she needs. I was thinking of going with DH to tell her off tomorrow as he picks up his kids clothing, but like my mom says, I don't need to get involved with her dirty @ss. There may be a day that she repents and comes looking for her kids and that will be the day when I set her straight.

I just advised DH to have an officer escort him while he goes pick up the kids clothing as she gets these crazy @ss attacks that its not even funny. I wish I could download them for you to here. I swear if it wasn't for me going into the law field I would have punched her in the face long time ago.

Thanks for understanding and not being judgmental. I will have a girl night out once finals are over or so I hope.

I totally agree with how you feel. I know that you feel like you wont be able to make time for yourself, but people/couples/mothers/fathers do it all the time. I would definitely tell DH how you are feeling, and then tell him that you don't want this to cause any kind of strain on the relationship. You want to be as helpful as you can, and then discuss your concerns as well. I mean , yes, you were young and you knew that he had kids, but you didn't know she was going to up and leave them on your doorstep now! I mean, what about finances? What about paying for the things that you wouldn' have had to pay for if they weren't living with you and the mother had custody as well. Maybe you can take her to court just for that. If she doesn't want the children , fine, at least get her for some money so she can help out. If a father was to do this, he would be hit up for child support. Is she going to give him child support???


I am sorry you are in a situation like this, regardless of knowing that he had children or not, you weren't prepared for them to be 'dumped' on your doorstep like this now. Either way, whatever happens, I really hope you and DH work it out.

I'm so sorry that your going through this. I honestly can't say how I would react because I'm not in the situation. But I can honestly say that going from no kids to teenage kids seems awfully daunting... I just dont get how this happened, has his ex ever said that she was going to do this? I can't imagine just one day abandoning my kids.

But you also said that you wanted to go out every weekend this summer, when is it that your DH saw his children if it wasn't on the weekend? If he hasn't been seeing his children all this time, then honestly I do think he needs to step up to the plate more and be proactive, and maybe she was feeling resentful that she has them all the time and he doesn't. But I hope this wasn't the case anyways, because I think kids need both their parents in their life.

I hope things work out for the best for EVERYONE involved.

Wow that must be so hard, everyone here has good points...
I'm not sure how this works, but would the Judge
allow you guys to have parental right when you're both still students? How can you raise them when your going to school and working? Is this for the summer only, or is this forever?

PS Im pretty sure she was planning on doing this way before you got married. Sick B*tch!

Good Luck to you

(edited to add another point)

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Posted by MrsJ08

Wow that must be so hard, everyone here has good points...
I'm not sure how this works, but would the Judge
allow you guys to have parental right when you're both still students? How can you raise them when your going to school and working? Is this for the summer only, or is this forever?

PS Im pretty sure she was planning on doing this way before you got married. Sick B*tch!

Good Luck to you

(edited to add another point)

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My DH would pick them up on Sundays and once a month for the whole weekend. By going out every weekend I mean Fri and Sat, after all we barely go out while we are in school.

As far as courts go I doubt they care that we are students, they assume it's DH responsibility to find someone to care for them.

I guess the child support DH was giving her can be used for the kids. She always threatened to so, and I just guess she hit ground bottom with her obsession with DH. I mean what the hell does her husband think of all of this. Sh!t if I was him I would be worried for my own kids (he has 2 with her).

I know for sure that it bothers her down inside that she is stuck in Rockaway with 4 kids, never finished H.S. is living off welfare and DH and I are in her eyes 'Happily Married.' To me it seems that this is a way for her to shake up our marriage, but I guess it's better this way because if she were to have them then we would really have to deal with her.

I told DH that he better take her to court for Child Support (she works part-time) and to report to the State that she no longer has them so she can loose wtvr benefits she was getting for them. (That's why she never took DH to court).

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Posted by Mrs. Bernabe

I told DH that he better take her to court for Child Support (she works part-time) and to report to the State that she no longer has them so she can loose wtvr benefits she was getting for them. (That's why she never took DH to court).

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I was about to say the same thing - - your dh definitely needs to take her to court for Child Support. It wouldn't be right for her to just be able to give up ALL responsibilities when your DH had to pay when SHE had the kids.

This whole situation completely shocks me!!! I just don't understand how a mother could do this. Just give up on her children like that. Especially when you said that she told the oldest it's because he is looking too much like his dad. Are you kidding me???? This woman has so many issues and that is SOOOO sad. I agree with you - - what's to become of her OTHER children??? I mean, doesn't her current husband see that something's not right in the situation?

I'd be just as mad as you are. It's horrible to be forced into motherhood before you're ready. Especially when they're not YOUR kids. It's so different to be raising somebody else's children. And I just pray for you guys so much for this not to cause problems in your marriage. It's gonna take a lot of patience, maturity & understanding from the both of you. But I also can't help thinking of the kids. Oh my God, what they must be going through!!! Poor things. When DH was little, his mom married a HORRIBLE man who treated him so badly. The dumb guy was jealous and angry that his wife had kids with another man before they met, so he'd kind of beat up on dh just because he wasn't his child, and the fact that he looked too much like his dad. It makes me so sad to hear about that. Beating up on a KID who hasn't even done anything??? So I have to admit that i am at least happy that even though these kids have a HORRIBLE mother, you are a wonderful person (whether you cook or are 'mother material', or whatever). You're still an awesome person and a great role model. Those kids are going to grow up appreciating that somebody took them in and loved them.

How is Dh handling it?? I'm sure he's having as much of a panic attack as you are.

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Posted by RockysGirl

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Posted by Mrs. Bernabe

I told DH that he better take her to court for Child Support (she works part-time) and to report to the State that she no longer has them so she can loose wtvr benefits she was getting for them. (That's why she never took DH to court).

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I was about to say the same thing - - your dh definitely needs to take her to court for Child Support. It wouldn't be right for her to just be able to give up ALL responsibilities when your DH had to pay when SHE had the kids.

This whole situation completely shocks me!!! I just don't understand how a mother could do this. Just give up on her children like that. Especially when you said that she told the oldest it's because he is looking too much like his dad. Are you kidding me???? This woman has so many issues and that is SOOOO sad. I agree with you - - what's to become of her OTHER children??? I mean, doesn't her current husband see that something's not right in the situation?

I'd be just as mad as you are. It's horrible to be forced into motherhood before you're ready. Especially when they're not YOUR kids. It's so different to be raising somebody else's children. And I just pray for you guys so much for this not to cause problems in your marriage. It's gonna take a lot of patience, maturity & understanding from the both of you. But I also can't help thinking of the kids. Oh my God, what they must be going through!!! Poor things. When DH was little, his mom married a HORRIBLE man who treated him so badly. The dumb guy was jealous and angry that his wife had kids with another man before they met, so he'd kind of beat up on dh just because he wasn't his child, and the fact that he looked too much like his dad. It makes me so sad to hear about that. Beating up on a KID who hasn't even done anything??? So I have to admit that i am at least happy that even though these kids have a HORRIBLE mother, you are a wonderful person (whether you cook or are 'mother material', or whatever). You're still an awesome person and a great role model. Those kids are going to grow up appreciating that somebody took them in and loved them.

How is Dh handling it?? I'm sure he's having as much of a panic attack as you are.

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thanks you for your kind words DH was planning on getting them but was not expecting for this to happen. There's not much time for him to think at the moment. He has a whole apt which he needs to paint and organize over the weekend. He then has to take off Monday to enroll them in school go to the court, etc. I also can't focus on this right now, I have to finals, and so does he on (Thurs). I guess once we are done with finals and the apt is finished we can sit down and see how things are going to work out, see who is going to take care of them while we go to school. It's going to be really tough I know but we will really need to have patience and lots of communication (something he lacks) but I just hope for the best and I guess we will have to take it day by day. Hopefully his mom won't mind watching them while DH finishes this semester.

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Posted by Mrs. Bernabe

thanks you for your kind words DH was planning on getting them but was not expecting for this to happen. There's not much time for him to think at the moment. He has a whole apt which he needs to paint and organize over the weekend. He then has to take off Monday to enroll them in school go to the court, etc. I also can't focus on this right now, I have to finals, and so does he on (Thurs). I guess once we are done with finals and the apt is finished we can sit down and see how things are going to work out, see who is going to take care of them while we go to school. It's going to be really tough I know but we will really need to have patience and lots of communication (something he lacks) but I just hope for the best and I guess we will have to take it day by day. Hopefully his mom won't mind watching them while DH finishes this semester.

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Exactly - day by day. It's too much to think about everything at once. I tend to do that and then I get much too overwhelmed and then have serious panic attacks. You just need to focus on one thing at a time. Right now with your finals, then the apartment, etc. I do hope that your MIL takes them for you while you guys are in school. And that your DH is able to communicate with you better and that your relationship just gets STRONGER. I do wish you ALL the best. I'm sure that even though this is very new & scary & overwhelming right now, years from now when you look back, you'll see that it DID work out. Things will be okay Just breathe and take it one day at a time.

Wow. Many for you. This is a tough situation but honestly if it were me I would WANT those kids with me and DH and not that psycho. My DH has no children so bviously it is hard to relate BUT I love children, I work with kids and I see the effects of neglect and maltreatment (which sound like what their mother does to them) and honestly although it will be a big change and responsibilty for you those are DH's kids and he must do what is best for him....and it seems pretty obvious that being with you and their dad is what is best.

I am sorry bc I know you are young and it will be hard but IMO there is no question that they are better with you and DH .

I hope that everything works out for you two and the kids