WHAT DO YOU THINK BUILD UP WALLS OF ISOLATION IN A MARRIAGE

I am asking this b/c so many couples around me are going through very tough times right now, I mean its as if they see no reason to want to work it out, it really saddens my heart, b/c the wedding pictures are still fresh from the printers and the smiles have left the faces, all I see now are hard looks and hard hearts and stubborn adults.

When Roger and I go thru our down times, the things that I see that can cause us to move further apart is

Holding on to hurt
Seeking revenge
Distancing ourselves
Holding back affection
Not seeking or granting forgiveness

I just want to hear what your experiences have been.

Isn't it harder to try to say you are sorry if you hold on to the hurt for a long time?? isn't it easier to just hash it out then and there and move on???

Without a doubt, everything that Shamma said plus

NOT WILLING DO DISCUSS THE SITUATION aka
LACK OF COMUNICATION!

talk it out, TALK IT out (after you both cooled off)
Every time we don't and just sit in separate corners all dignified with our own personal outrage with each other all hell breaks lose!

Hey Shamma!

We must know the same couples, because I am seeing this too, that is why I made that post about the love fading.

Well DH and I have gone through alot and were very immature at one point. We did all of the things on your list,but the ONE thing I was so guilty of was BRINGING UP THE PAST. Though it had nothing to do with the present argument, I would find a way to sneak it in there, and that caused major problems.

Now, my husband and I have grown soooo much, I mean we still have our days, but there is sooooo much respect in our marriage. We are very cognizant of each other's feelings, and we FINALLY learned to say SORRY. We are both STUBBORN AS HELL, so we have both swallowed our pride and said the S word.

Lack of communication
Fear of being wrong

I am reading this book now and I am loving it and I say look how simple it is to make this thing work, why can't us as humans just do it. I do believe it has a lot to do with fear of admitting you were wrong, ego, not knowing how to fight fear, not knowing how to even do it right. Who teaches us how to do marriage right?? It is trial and error but we do need to make the effort to make it work. Thanks for all the responses, they are all right on point.

Shamma, would you mind sharing what book you are reading, I would love to read it as well.

You touched on something else- Not Fighting Fair. I was also guilty of this.

Whenever I would get mad at DH I would call him an idiot or a fool, jerk whatever. Though I did not mean it, I could tell that it clearly hurt his feelings, not to mention it being rude and disrespectful.

Also, another thing is demeaning your spouse.

I had a friend who was with someone who was not in the best financial state. She would always attack his manhood and tell him he was worthless because he had no money, needless to say that did not end well.

Another thing about fighting fairly is using the terms ALWAYS and NEVER, this puts the person on the defensive.

The book I am reading I picked it up at a recent marriage conference that hubby and I went to it titled The Blueprints for Marriage....building love for a lifetime: by: Johnny Parker, it is religious based but not preachy, its as if I am having a conversation. I am so loving it, I plan on passing it on to 2 friends. Very easy read very enlightening and I have practically highlighted the entire book. I think it is a great read for both partners.

Lack of communication, I totally agree! Once you push all that anger down and away it is bound to come up later and make you fight unfairly.

I have friends that are engaged but he doesn't want to get married but she won't leave him. I said to her if you stay with him then you have to accept that he may never marry you and move on, if you can't, YOU need to move on.

Thanks, I will look for that book.

Shamma, another question- your friends that are going through these trying times-are they coming to you for advice? I know I would.

It seems as though you would be a great inspiration for them. You and Roger really work at your marriage and it shows.

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Posted by shamma

Holding on to hurt

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I'm very lucky - b/c DH will never let this happen...with him or me...even if I want to be mad...he finds a way



I think what helped us is that right after we were married we went through some very hard financial times...right away life tested us...and we passed

I just hope there isn't an advance class

It is amazing sometimes how walls can build up, even when you are with someone for most of the day, everyday of the week. DH and I continually go through little bumps - nothing major - where we are less 'connected' than we should be.

IMO, this happens from lack of communication (BIG ISSUE for us), and my DH is famous for making false assumptions about my feelings or my mood...this causes him to act (or react) differently than I (ideally) would like him to and we end up bickering or having some type of misunderstanding.

The key really is to TALK everyday about the things that matter to both people....even if it is only for 5-10 minutes...you need to 'connect' to that person and share a sense of understanding.

I find it very difficult that some days, DH and I only speak about everything to do with the baby, the house, the bills and work, but NOTHING to do with just US. Marriage is something that definitely needs nurturing every single day - from both people.

From everything that I have learned is pretty much what you guys have said. Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking if they dont deal with something that it will go away...it doesnt, it builds up and causes resentment, which leads to isolation. Also, when isolation appears, ofetn times people find comfort in someone else which could lead to cheating, Ive seen it happen to several friends. Selfishness leads to isolation and not having the capability to compromise can really put a strain on a marriage. When I heard marriage takes work, I didnt know exactly how much work, Im just learning as we have only been together for three years. Im struggling with the selfish thing, Im not an extremely selfish person, but I have ways that Im not thrilled with. So does my dh, so we are finding a balance to keep each other happy. Every couple or familt that comes in for counseling is usually experiencing difficulty due to the lack of communication. When communication is gone,the other partner is forced to assume how the other is feeling and that it terribly scary. they say the best thing is although we all have hectic schedules, take 10 minutes a day to just talk face to face about how your day was. make date nights even when ya dont feel like going out. now do Dex and I actually sit face to face everyday and talk about our day, NO, we probably need to, im just passing on advice that Ive learned..but I need to practice what I preach!

Shamma you are right! For me and my hubby, marriage counseling and has done WONDERS for us! It has not only given us great tools to deal with marriage, but has taught us a lot about ourselves as well. I think that some people shy away and feel threatened when they have to produce a certain amount of emotional deepness or connection. Like you all said, bringing up the past, holding on to anger etc, contributes greatly to emotional separation.

The unfortunate part is some couples are so far gone, that it's hard for them to want to even try anything. In marriage I've learned that hubby and I are not an island, and it really does take lots of support and encouragement to help you through the hard times. We are lucky b/c we have that! My husband and I no matter what we both have gone through, have always kept a really high level of respect for one another and we talk things through until we feel they are resolved and we are comfortable. Communication wasn't always so easy, but as we are growing and learning, it only gets better!

I love what I am reading here, sometimes I just want to pick at your brains and see what's going on, b/c as I am reading the book it is bringing up questions to my mind, I wonder if people know this or do this. I said these things don't sound new, but it takes practice and effort.

Ky they are not seeking advice, I guess I would say they want a trustworthy/non-judgemntal ear. I pray for my friend's marriages, I believe we were not drawn together to end up apart. I believe in the unity of Marriage it can work and we can leave a legacy for our children to see that it can work.

I think it was Claud above who said her and her husband talk but it is only about the house, the bills, kids etc, in the book he calls that appetizer talk or superficial, he says talking is not the same as communicating. He calls the real communication the main course or substantial interaction, b/c it is usually in that meal you get your fill, so unlike with the appetizer you are left wanting more.

Ky Roger and I learn from each other, and whenvever I read something, I email it home to him and we discuss and we say how can we apply it our lives, b/c information w/o application is just information. To see real transformation we must apply what we have read/heard etc. I learn from you ladies as well.

Shamma I think what you are doing is great. Actively learning about your marriage, reading books, attending conferences. You are actually working on your marriage. Part of the problem is that people take their marriages for granted...and don't work at it.
They just come home and take it for what it is, instead of growing and listening to each other (which goes back to lack of communication).

Ironically, last night I shut off the tv and I called a 15 minute time out. Hubby and I went to bed and I said let's talk about us for change, not the house, not the bills, not the baby, not work. At first he rolled his eyes but we actually talked about us. I told him we should try to do this at least once a week

I am also an advocate of counseling, it really helps to have an impartial ear to listen to your problems. We did this prior to the marriage and we have been invited to participate in marital workshops with other couples, which we will soon take advantage of.

These are the type of discussions I like having on these boards- the kind where we can learn from.

Kysha, the organization that hosted the conference offers training in hosting these kinds of gatherings and I was thinking maybe hubby and I could host one, but I don't think we know enough couples who would be willing to do it with us. I am not saying to come and air out your laundry, by no means, we are not counselors. But to learn and discuss with other couples, how they handle things, how they keep the spark, how they create oneness etc.

From my understanding of it, they tell you the topics of discussions, you meet on a monthly basis and you as the leader have a manual and all the couples have 'student' for lack of a better term manuals which they have to do assignment together as a team with their mates and on their own and then we come together and discuss. We did it at the conference we went to. I think all couples could benefit from a source of positive friends who they can talk to and learn and grow with.

Sorry for being so long winded

Ky these are the topics I enjoy as well Uplift, enrich edify etc.

Shamma that would be a great thing to do.

However as you say some people may be hesitant to discuss their relationship. Also, if one couple hears how one couple excels in one area, it might cause some feelings of inadequacy and ill feelings with another couple.



I will admit I am curious as to how other couples deal with things.

I would not feel bad if you say to me for instance we always take time for each other daily, I would want to learn the recipe to success that you use to make this happen especially if it is something I have always wanted to do. My hubby and I might not do it exactly as you and your hubby do it, but we could tweak it to our liking if you get what I am saying, but now we have the info.

1) Lack of communication

2) Lack of emotional intimacy

3) Lack of patience, i.e not allowing your mate time to grow as a person, as a ahusband or as a wife.

4) Inability to deal with the reality of marriage (some people hold on to the fantasy they have of marraige and refuse to deal with the reality)

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Posted by nrvbrd
These are the type of discussions I like having on these boards- the kind where we can learn from.

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Ditto