WHAT DO YOU THINK BUILD UP WALLS OF ISOLATION IN A MARRIAGE

Ladies, this is great dialogue going on here and I'm loving it! Shamma, you know I'm always up for us getting together! I've held group discussions in the past and I found them to be really enlightening. However, the challenge is finding people who will be consistent with getting together. I find that some people will fall off after the second meeting. I also agree that some people are not as open or willing to discuss certain things. Hubby and I are always willing to get involved in group settings to share as well as learn.

I also want to add, sometimes the lack of communication or break down of a relationship comes from not having positive role models where marriage is concerned. That coupled with separate upbringing, values, life experience and past hurts and pains can really destroy a relationships if not handled correctly. In addition, if you are not communicating well and don't have common interests - forget it, things can really be a mess! I've been seeing a trend where couples get married and the wedding day is absolutely perfect and superb, but soon after, both individuals are ready to run in the opposite direction when it's really time to get to know one another. I've said this before, it doesn't matter how long you were with the person prior to marriage - after you make the commitment to spend your life together, it's a whole new world! Adjustment after the wedding is very normal, but some people take it as 'this relationship isn't going to work.' To me if you're not fussing, exploring, asking, getting on each other's nerves at times etc, then it's really hard to get to the core of each individual. I found that it's been through the hard times that hubby and I have been learning more and more about each other - not the good times! When you're upset at each other you're more vulnerable and you have to try to fight through the storm together. When you're happy, everything is smooth sailing and you don't have to really do much. With each argument I find that we are saying 'hey, we actually didn't raise our voice, or hey, I didn't cry or we actually worked that out by dialoguing with one another. Finally, hubby and I don't always make our conversations surround us or home issues (marriage, bills, money, cleaning etc) we like to talk about current events, hopes, dreams etc.... It's good to be light sometimes and just a enjoy a good ole generic conversation!

Okay I'm done!

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Posted by TrayLu47

Ladies, this is great dialogue going on here and I'm loving it! Shamma, you know I'm always up for us getting together! I've held group discussions in the past and I found them to be really enlightening. However, the challenge is finding people who will be consistent with getting together. I find that some people will fall off after the second meeting. I also agree that some people are not as open or willing to discuss certain things. Hubby and I are always willing to get involved in group settings to share as well as learn.

I also want to add, sometimes the lack of communication or break down of a relationship comes from not having positive role models where marriage is concerned. That coupled with separate upbringing, values, life experience and past hurts and pains can really destroy a relationships if not handled correctly. In addition, if you are not communicating well and don't have common interests - forget it, things can really be a mess! I've been seeing a trend where couples get married and the wedding day is absolutely perfect and superb, but soon after, both individuals are ready to run in the opposite direction when it's really time to get to know one another. I've said this before, it doesn't matter how long you were with the person prior to marriage - after you make the commitment to spend your life together, it's a whole new world! Adjustment after the wedding is very normal, but some people take it as 'this relationship isn't going to work.' To me if you're not fussing, exploring, asking, getting on each other's nerves at times etc, then it's really hard to get to the core of each individual. I found that it's been through the hard times that hubby and I have been learning more and more about each other - not the good times! When you're upset at each other you're more vulnerable and you have to try to fight through the storm together. When you're happy, everything is smooth sailing and you don't have to really do much. With each argument I find that we are saying 'hey, we actually didn't raise our voice, or hey, I didn't cry or we actually worked that out by dialoguing with one another. Finally, hubby and I don't always make our conversations surround us or home issues (marriage, bills, money, cleaning etc) we like to talk about current events, hopes, dreams etc.... It's good to be light sometimes and just a enjoy a good ole generic conversation!

Okay I'm done!

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Tracy, I feel like we are living in a parallel universe. We seem to have similar type relationships.

People often say to me- You and DH have been together so long this marriage thing, must be a piece of cake. Well that is not entirely true. Yes we know each other very well, and have been through alot together, but marriage is very different than just dating and such. I can honestly say like yourself our bad times have defintely made us stronger and at this point I can deal with just about anything.

I think the bad times is when we should learn the lessons, learn them quickly, never forget them, b/c when you do, you are bound to go back there and repeat them and this time you might not make it out.

Shamma, this is so incredibly interesting! Thank you for thinking, and sharing what you're reading!!!

I had a communication class in college and one of the books that the professor wrote was titled 'Learning How to Fight Fairly'. One of the first things you wrote about saying ALWAYS and NEVER was the first chapter.
K- what you spoke of, bringing up the past, was the 2nd chapter. It basically said, to try to avoid these at all costs. There were a list of things that were discussed. I had given the book to DH when we were dating and I wish I knew where it was now! (Probably in the garbage )

I loved this book & class. Fighting fairly works with every relationship, not just in a marriage. It said you need to make an appointment to discuss what's on your mind. You need tell the person, I'd like to sit down w/ you at 7pm if you're free to discuss xyz. This way, the person can think of what you're talking about, and you can cool down and talk in a mature manner. The example we used was 2 roomates and 'the chores'. So, let's say it's 7pm, and the 2 roomates A & B are getting ready to talk. They took 2 chairs from the table, and moved them to the center of the room, facing eachother. Roomate A, who called 'the meeting' states that she is mad and frustrated w/ Roomate B b/c they decided what the chores would be, and 'B''s was to take out the garbage, and A was to do the dishes. Well, the dishes are getting done, but the garbage is never being taken out, and A ends up doing both. NOW- 'B' has to REPEAT what A just said..... and as the discussion continues, you have to constantly repeat back what has been said to you so you the other person knows you fully understand, and so that you are listening.
This type, the chairs, only works if both people know how to 'fight fairly'. If there is a future discussion, you are not allowed to bring up the 'chores' discussion. It was discussed, and solved and it's burried now, in the dog house. Once something reaches the dog house, it's never bought out again.
Wow, this is getting long- sorry-
I think Listening is a huge part of talking. I know I'm guilty of minunderstanding something and jumping to a conclusion.

I'm going to try to find this one next time I go to the in-laws!!! There's another book I do have from the same class, 'Pulling Yourself Together'- but that's another thread