What do you think of...

OK so I realize that the PC answer for the question I am about to pose is 'who cares as long as they are happy?!' HOWEVER...I am curious because while I think people should do what makes them happy (within reason) I'm torn on this issue..

How do you feel about :

A) A MUCH younger man and an older woman in a relationship?

B) A MUCH older man and a younger woman in a relationship?

Now I am talking BIG age gap..not 2 years, 5 years or evn ten years....more like 20-25 years.

A woman I know has been dating a guy for about 5 months and they seem to be happy. She is 45. He is 25... They're happy and I give them kudos for that.

However I can't help but feel like it's a little inappropriate and before I am jumped upon for beign 'against happiness' this is why.

1.) her oldest daughter is 21 and boyfriend is 24. She's a little skeeved by her mom dating guy only a year older than her own b.f who spends most of his time playing video games.

2) This woman is the sweetest person but she has confided to me several times she 'refuses to get old or feel old.' So she dresses pretty innapropriately for 45 and working in an office setting, albeit a more casual one than most. Case in point..I have heard her coworkers calling her a slut behind her back which annoys me because she IS NOT but she IS dressing WAY too young for her age.... Mini skirts and knee high boots in an office when you're almost 46...not the best way to say I am sexy , confident and in charge.

3.) She has told me she 'is careful what she says' around her b/f; meaning she doesnt refer to anything that he might not be familiar with in terms of music, movies, etc., because she doesnt want to feel old when he goes 'HUH?! I wasn't even born yet.' ...I just feel that this is sorta hiding parts of who she is and shouldnt she in ahppy, stable relationship be able to share all or at least most of herself and not hide things?


I am normally a pretty non-judgemental person and as I said I am glad she is happy. But I wonder if she might be happier with someone not so much younger who shecould be more herself with, and be more comfortable in her skin around.

I'm not against younger/older relationships at all. DH is 6 years older than I am and we're great. And of course there are always special cases, but in general, what do you ladies think?

I hate to judge people, cause if its what makes each of them happy good for them.. but since you asked I think younger guy with older women, is off... why can't a guy that young get a girl, I always think whats wrong with him that we don't know...

Guys tend to be a little behind on the maturity level of women (sometimes).... But women doing the same thing (being the younger one) seems okay, cause once again the guys tend to be younger at heart then women so he's probally acting closer to the younger girls age anyway...

Just My opinion

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Posted by PeteysBride

A woman I know has been dating a guy for about 5 months and they seem to be happy. She is 45. He is 25... They're happy and I give them kudos for that.

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sounds like that new lady on real housewives of orange county! do you watch that show?

DH is 6 yrs older than me, kinda small gap. I dont think I know anyone personally who is married to someone who is much older/younger, so I dont feel like I have much place to talk here. But its like you said, it works for some ppl. I just think its kind of human nature that some ppl are a little shocked by it at first or think it a bit 'off.' Many ppl react that way to anything that isnt the norm, appears different. I think there are definitely cases where it is inappropriate. Esp if one person is reallly young or reallly old and theyre being taken advantage of! Thats wrong. Otherwise, I cant really judge it generally.

Its sound like, in the case you mentioned, shes having some issues with letting go of youth, but i dont know the particulars. I can see why you feel kinda sad that she might be missing out on a more fulfilling relationship with someone closer in age.

It also seems like there is a culture in some places, where its a status symbol to have a much younger woman on your arm and also for a young guy to have an sexy older woman on his arm (how ppl use the term 'MILF' or 'cougar'). Wrong reason to be in a relationship obviously, just bc you think someone is a nice accessory to show off.

I am sure there are plenty of normal cases of diff aged relationships, where there is a genuine love and not some weird motivation!! And good for them.

It's not something I'd be comfortable with personally. Especially if there were previous marriages or children involved.

However, a friend of my mothers is married to a much older man (about 20 years) and they have a wonderful relationship. I'm sure it was difficult at times but it has always been a very healthy, loving marriage. It can definitely work when 2 people really care about each other.

In the case of your friend it sounds like she wants a younger man to feel younger herself. It doesn't sound like they are truly in love (but I've never met them). If she is censoring herself so he'll like her more I don't see how that can be a healthy or sustainable relationship.

It may just be something she's going through, she definetly having issues w/ getting older.

Hopefully, she will realize that she is not able to be her authentic self w/ someone so much younger and it will fizzle.

Let me start off by saying I'm 27 and DH is 43, so that's a 16 year age difference. Now, I'm NOT going to flame you. In fact, I see where you're coming from.

Yes DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, but she's only 10. If she were older, then I could see it being uncomfortable for both her, myself, and DH. But she's happy and her dad is happy and she likes me, so it's all good.

DH will mention things sometimes, he'll refer to a musical artist or movie and I'll be like and have to remind him that either I wasn't born yet or I was just a kid and wasn't into grown-up stuff in the 80's. So then he'll have to educate me a little, which is fine, it's a part of the dynamic of our relationship. I'd never want him to 'be careful' around me and not mention things that happened before 1980; bc that's not fair to him. To 'forget' about the first 16 years of his life just bc I wasn't born yet?? That's ridiculous!!!!!!

It sounds like this woman is having a bit of a mid-life crisis, she wants to 'hold onto' her young years and is in denial that she's getting older. Not soley bc she's dating a younger man, but bc she's not being true to herself and curbing her behavior so as to pretend like she's still in her 20's.

I don't really find a big deal with this....but I also think it depends on the circumstances. This is an issue that hits close to home considering my parents were FORTY years apart. Yes you read right, FORTY. My mom was an illegal alien and my dad a lonely widower, so even though each had ulterior motives for gettting married, they did have me & my sister in the process.....so I guess it wasn't all that bad!! and despite my dad being 76 when I was born, he lived to be 94 years 'young' (I was 17)......my dad was definitely a spunky old guy!!

So I guess the obvious answer without knowing your friend would be I have no problem with her dating a younger man (in fact more power to her!! usually it's the other way around). I'm just curious, how do you know her? Is she family?

ETA- I just wanted to say that I KNOW there are plenty of people who have a problem with large age gaps.....including my own half brother. After my parents got married, he didn't speak to my dad from that point until the day he died- you're talking 20+ years. Something like this can really turn into a sad situation for many people when you let it put a rift in your family. It's definitely a sensitive issue, and I have no problem with anyone who disagrees w/ those who date younger people, but I just wanted to point out that there's a lot of people who for one reason or another marry (or date) someone significantly older (or younger) than they are. Obviously my parents are just a (very) extreme example of this.

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Posted by cindyandkevin

Let me start off by saying I'm 27 and DH is 43, so that's a 16 year age difference. Now, I'm NOT going to flame you. In fact, I see where you're coming from.

Yes DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, but she's only 10. If she were older, then I could see it being uncomfortable for both her, myself, and DH. But she's happy and her dad is happy and she likes me, so it's all good.

DH will mention things sometimes, he'll refer to a musical artist or movie and I'll be like and have to remind him that either I wasn't born yet or I was just a kid and wasn't into grown-up stuff in the 80's. So then he'll have to educate me a little, which is fine, it's a part of the dynamic of our relationship. I'd never want him to 'be careful' around me and not mention things that happened before 1980; bc that's not fair to him. To 'forget' about the first 16 years of his life just bc I wasn't born yet?? That's ridiculous!!!!!!

It sounds like this woman is having a bit of a mid-life crisis, she wants to 'hold onto' her young years and is in denial that she's getting older. Not soley bc she's dating a younger man, but bc she's not being true to herself and curbing her behavior so as to pretend like she's still in her 20's.

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I agree w/ Cindy......it does sound like she may be having some kind of a mid life crisis, and I wouldn't necessarily say that based on her dating a younger guy, but more so on the mini-skirt outfits you described her wearing. how long has she been w/ this guy? maybe it's just a phase or something

No she's not family Helen. She works for the other company on my floor and we're pretty friendly because the other women in her office hate on her...witches that they are.

I wouldnt have so much of an issue with the age thing if I didnt feel she was doing it to retain her youth as others said. I dont care about the relationship as much as I care for her and worry she's setting herself up for heartache. I mean the guy lives with her ; she lives part time in NY or her job and part time in Boston and she really does dress YOUNG and is always mentioning she think he'd like it..

We all do things for our significant others but I just feel from the things she says inadvertently, that its not a relationship for entirely the right reasons.

That said, if you an make it work, great> I WILL SAY that I do have an issue with one party being VERY young..like 19, or 20 years old and their SO is 40. The reason is that I was a very mature 'kid' yet I still needed to do a lot of living of life to become the woman I am today. I'm not saying you cannot grow with someone else, but I do think you need to do some growing on your own first and 19 is the time to do that jmo.

Also, I do wonder about people who are successful and older and want to get together with someone young enough to be their kid. Maybe it is genuine love in some cases as with Cindy and her hubby, but in my experience most of the time (in situations with older men especially) when they have an interest ina woman THAT much younger..unelss she is MENSA brilliant and worldy from having an ambassador daddy and wealtheir and more accomplished then the Hiltons, there is only one MAJOR reason why they'd wnat to hook up with her...

So I am a sceptic but if it can work for others out there, more power to you and the best of luck.

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Posted by HelenZ

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Posted by cindyandkevin

Let me start off by saying I'm 27 and DH is 43, so that's a 16 year age difference. Now, I'm NOT going to flame you. In fact, I see where you're coming from.

Yes DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, but she's only 10. If she were older, then I could see it being uncomfortable for both her, myself, and DH. But she's happy and her dad is happy and she likes me, so it's all good.

DH will mention things sometimes, he'll refer to a musical artist or movie and I'll be like and have to remind him that either I wasn't born yet or I was just a kid and wasn't into grown-up stuff in the 80's. So then he'll have to educate me a little, which is fine, it's a part of the dynamic of our relationship. I'd never want him to 'be careful' around me and not mention things that happened before 1980; bc that's not fair to him. To 'forget' about the first 16 years of his life just bc I wasn't born yet?? That's ridiculous!!!!!!

It sounds like this woman is having a bit of a mid-life crisis, she wants to 'hold onto' her young years and is in denial that she's getting older. Not soley bc she's dating a younger man, but bc she's not being true to herself and curbing her behavior so as to pretend like she's still in her 20's.

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I agree w/ Cindy......it does sound like she may be having some kind of a mid life crisis, and I wouldn't necessarily say that based on her dating a younger guy, but more so on the mini-skirt outfits you described her wearing. how long has she been w/ this guy? maybe it's just a phase or something

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Its been 5 months she said. We work in NYC; land of walking lol and she wears 5 inch stilletos to work on a daily basis...Its one to be sexy and another to be crippling yourself. Mind you she has a GROIN injury that shes getting rehab for...I keep telling her I love her shoes when she wears flats lol trying to get ehr to take the hint but so far, no dice.

I definitely hear where you're coming from Jen, you're taking a stance out of concern for your friend and whether she has the right reasons to pursue a relationship with a younger man. After I went back and re-read what you wrote, I kind of realized she was a co-worker. It sounds like she needs someone like you in her corner, especially if her co-workers are witches!! At least you're trying to be subtle by saying things like 'you look good in flats' lol so maybe she'll dress down a bit.

well at least my mom was 33 when she met my dad, so he definitely didn't rob her straight 'out of the cradle'

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Posted by HelenZ

I definitely hear where you're coming from Jen, you're taking a stance out of concern for your friend and whether she has the right reasons to pursue a relationship with a younger man. After I went back and re-read what you wrote, I kind of realized she was a co-worker. It sounds like she needs someone like you in her corner, especially if her co-workers are witches!! At least you're trying to be subtle by saying things like 'you look good in flats' lol so maybe she'll dress down a bit.

well at least my mom was 33 when she met my dad, so he definitely didn't rob her straight 'out of the cradle'

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LOL well 33 is a grownup. I just get concerned when I see older men especially, with girls that look like they're in highschool. Just soemthing that doesnt meld there. I saw alot of that when we went to New Hope and DH was distrubed by it. he doesnt like that some of these 14 year olds look 20 by their form of dress and the heavy makeup. LOL I think thats why eh said if we have kids I need to talk to my womb and say NO GIRLS!

this old lady is too tired to read all of these long posts

DH is almost 11 years younger than me. (25 this week, vs 36 next march). I've got thick skin, so I survived all the flaming comments and attitudes.
trust me there were TONS.... because the good ol' stereotype that a woman should be beautiful, young, and naiive and follow her more worldy and intelligent husband is alive and well... and having a young good looking DH whose younger than me is to most. People kept saying to him 'you could do better'

Concerning this couple your discussing: Sure, there's a chance it's a sex thing that will fizzle itself out and the guy is all happy that he caught a young one...

however, it could be a deeper relationship than you realize..... it's really not anyone's place to judge what happens between 2 consenting adults.... JMO....

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Posted by portjeffbride

this old lady is too tired to read all of these long posts

DH is almost 11 years younger than me. (25 this week, vs 36 next march). I've got thick skin, so I survived all the flaming comments and attitudes.
trust me there were TONS.... because the good ol' stereotype that a woman should be beautiful, young, and naiive and follow her more worldy and intelligent husband is alive and well... and having a young good looking DH whose younger than me is to most. People kept saying to him 'you could do better'

Concerning this couple your discussing: Sure, there's a chance it's a sex thing that will fizzle itself out and the guy is all happy that he caught a young one...

however, it could be a deeper relationship than you realize..... it's really not anyone's place to judge what happens between 2 consenting adults.... JMO....

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i dont think 11 years is a big deal..i believe jen stated that too...i think she was more talking when it gets to 25-30yr difference. I actually have a bunch of friends that are 10-12 years from their spouses & their as happy as can be as well I'm glad u dont let what other people say bother u - u're in love and thats all that matters

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Posted by portjeffbride

this old lady is too tired to read all of these long posts

DH is almost 11 years younger than me. (25 this week, vs 36 next march). I've got thick skin, so I survived all the flaming comments and attitudes.
trust me there were TONS.... because the good ol' stereotype that a woman should be beautiful, young, and naiive and follow her more worldy and intelligent husband is alive and well... and having a young good looking DH whose younger than me is to most. People kept saying to him 'you could do better'

Concerning this couple your discussing: Sure, there's a chance it's a sex thing that will fizzle itself out and the guy is all happy that he caught a young one...

however, it could be a deeper relationship than you realize..... it's really not anyone's place to judge what happens between 2 consenting adults.... JMO....

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I think you missed my point or didn't read all of my posts cause you totally took it out of the context I said it in. As I said before, Im not judging what they do. If I felt she was doing it because she truly cared about the guy and vice versa then as I already said, mroe power and good luck to them. HOWEVER as I also said, she keeps telling em things here and there that speak volumes; as in she doesnt reveal things she is interested in ebcause they will 'age' her or date her. and make him think she's too old to be with. O r that she is 46 with a high profile job wearing mini skirts and the latest fashions from the Juniors sections and not doing ehr own beauty justice because she is trying to keep up with her daughter whose b/f is a year younger than her own b/f.

I am talking about her as her friend. And frankly, friends DO get to judge a little bit when it comes to plain good old fashioned concern. Do I care who she sleeps with if its truly making her happy? NOPE. But do I worry about her if I feel that she's doing it to 'stay young' rather than embracing herself for the age she is and how beautiful and sucecssful she is. YEP I do.

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Posted by jtgarsik

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Posted by portjeffbride

this old lady is too tired to read all of these long posts

DH is almost 11 years younger than me. (25 this week, vs 36 next march). I've got thick skin, so I survived all the flaming comments and attitudes.
trust me there were TONS.... because the good ol' stereotype that a woman should be beautiful, young, and naiive and follow her more worldy and intelligent husband is alive and well... and having a young good looking DH whose younger than me is to most. People kept saying to him 'you could do better'

Concerning this couple your discussing: Sure, there's a chance it's a sex thing that will fizzle itself out and the guy is all happy that he caught a young one...

however, it could be a deeper relationship than you realize..... it's really not anyone's place to judge what happens between 2 consenting adults.... JMO....

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i dont think 11 years is a big deal..i believe jen stated that too...i think she was more talking when it gets to 25-30yr difference. I actually have a bunch of friends that are 10-12 years from their spouses & their as happy as can be as well I'm glad u dont let what other people say bother u - u're in love and thats all that matters

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Exactly Taryn. Im 6 years younger than Pete and my MOH is 10 years younger than her husband. I don't think it matters much once you're both mature adults. But unelss you have a 20 yr old diff when one is 30 and the other is 50, I do think its a bit odd. Because what can a barely starting out 20 yr old really offer to an accomplished 40 yr old? Thats what I meant.

But 11 years, who cares. She however is 20 odd years older than he is AND she doesnt seem to be doing it for the rigth reasons. THATS where my concern plays into it.