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What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

KathleenG Posted:

What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

Okay, so my mom has been gone for more than six years now. I have been with my hubby for close to that amount of time. Our usual routine has been DH going over to his sister's house and spending the morning with his mom and the rest of his family. Alone. It has worked out well for us; he goes to long island and I spend most of the day doing something for myself. The only question is: Is this going to be the routine forever? We are married now and it has been awhile so are they assuming I should start going to these things? If you were in lets say one of the sister's positions, would you find it rude? In all honestly, I am really not ready to do it yet. I still have bitterness and sadness and anger around that day, and would feel it especially being around 3 moms (even though it is wonderful for them). I haven't really had to deal with Mother's Day since my mom's death: it is almost like I am non practicing and I go about my own business. As the years are going by though, it is beginning to feel more and more awkward doing this, especially since we are married now. Any suggestions or should I keep it as is?

suven Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I think that you can't keep it as is forever. but, I think for this year, it might be a good idea for your DH to explain the situation to his family, about your feelings about your mom and her death and this holiday. Otherwise, it might seem like you're avoiding his mom/her family or that you're being disrespectful to her.

Janice Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

My mother's youngest brother married a really nice girl. Right after the wedding, she lost her mother in a horrific car accident. She is very angry that her mother is not around. The accident was 7 years ago, and NO ONE ever expects to see her on Mother's Day. She has announced that it is not a day she wants in her life. Her children celebrate it with her the day before. My uncle brings their kids to my grandmother's house with everyone else, but she stays home. Everyone's hearts break for her, and no one has ever said a thing about it ,and I don't think they ever will. She said it is a reminder of how her mother did not meet her kids, and she would rather stay home.
Do what you want and what feels right.
dpli Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I completely understand where you are coming from. I lost my mom 9 years ago and Mother's Day is still tough for me. I have a friend who has invited me to her house, where it is a HUGE family gathering and I turn it down. It is tough to be around other people's moms for me on that day in particular.

Luckily for me (in a way...) DH's mom is also deceased, so we don't do anything different that day. What if you took seperate cars and you went for just a little while and then left? If it's really too hard, perhaps you could explain to your MIL that you have a tough time with the day and you could take her out to brunch another weekend?
KathleenG Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

Thanks for the nice responses. I'm still mulling this over, still don't know what I am gonna do come Sunday.
butterfly20 Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I agree with the girls above, your dh should speak with his family about it,so that they know whats going on and that its tough for you to be there... maybe eventually you can build up to spending part of the time over there, like stopping by for an hour at the end or something....

TwoBugs Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I don't think there is proper etiquette for this. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Surely your MIL would understand that this is not about disrespect, no??
tourist Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

It is probabaly something you need to ease into- not just: bam- I'm married , I have to sepnd mother's day with my MIL.

My uncle lost his father a few years ago & never stopped coming to celebrate father's day with his FIL ( my grandfather) , but I guess thatis differnet b/c he had for years been seeing his family first, and then my aunts, so now he goes to the cemetary with his mom, and then comes over later.
nferrandi Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

If you have an otherwise good relationship with your MIL, I would call her yourself and explain that as much as you love her and love your new 'family' that it's still a really difficult day for you and you just aren't ready to be the social butterfly on that day. I'm sure she'll understand and I think it will be more heartfelt coming from you than from your DH.

TracyInQueens Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

Posted by nferrandi

If you have an otherwise good relationship with your MIL, I would call her yourself and explain that as much as you love her and love your new 'family' that it's still a really difficult day for you and you just aren't ready to be the social butterfly on that day. I'm sure she'll understand and I think it will be more heartfelt coming from you than from your DH.


I think that is a good idea too. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and I hope they are understanding people.
Kelly9904 Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I just recently lost my mom so this is my first mothers day without her. I will spend part of the day with my family and part with DHs family. This is my way of coping though. My mom was Huge into family and LOVED when family was together even just for a simple dinner so it makes me feel better to be around family!
However I have already told DH he is completely on his one for a gift or whatever he wants to do. In my mind, Sunday is not mothers day, its just another day!

I think you have to do whats best for you. I think that if expressed properly you ILs will completely understand. And maybe if you are up to it, you can just get your MIL a card or call her just to say hello.
eogara Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

Posted by TracyInQueens

Posted by nferrandi

If you have an otherwise good relationship with your MIL, I would call her yourself and explain that as much as you love her and love your new 'family' that it's still a really difficult day for you and you just aren't ready to be the social butterfly on that day. I'm sure she'll understand and I think it will be more heartfelt coming from you than from your DH.


I think that is a good idea too. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and I hope they are understanding people.


I agree. I would definitely give her a call and explain the situation to her before Mother's Day. This way, it will never be an issue and when/if you're ready to celebrate it in the future, they'll be very welcoming.
BlazeSyth Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I have the same issue; Mom has been gone for 9 years, but I just can't bear to go see someone else's mom on Mother's day.

DH came along after my mom; so I have never been to his mothers for 'the day'.

Problem is, my birthday is on Mother's Day too.. so it usually ends up being 'come over for your birthday; and oh yeah mother's day...' Even if we dont end up going over ON the day, the day we do go over in the beginning of may is the day my husband will celebrate mothers day with his mom.

oneday Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I don't think there is an ettiquite to it - I would say whatever you are comfortable with. When mom passed away 4 years ago, the first mother's day I spent with my dad - we opened our summer cottage and it was so sad, but I needed to be with him and I couldn't have handled trying to 'celebrate' it with MIL and I know they understood. Since then, I think I have spent each Mother's day with DH's family (for at least some portion of the day). It is hard sometimes, but I think I like being with DH and I enjoy his family so that makes it easier.
I agree that I think if you explain it to his family, they should understand.
to you!
KathleenG Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

Thanks ladies! So many things to consider. I guess the proper thing to do would be to speak with them at some point. I am not ready to do that yet, though. Often times when very delicate matters come up concerning my mother I get all emotional and embarrass myself.

Thanks for all of your help and advice!!
nferrandi Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

You could never embarrass yoursef when it comes to how you feel about your mother. It is obvious that she was such a special and important person in your life, and there's is no shame to still being upset by her passing.
Handle things how you feel is best and how you are comfortable with.
TracyInQueens Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

If it's going to be hard to chat with her (which I can totally understand) what about getting her a card just from you, in which you explain your situation and your feelings? You can give it to DH to give her.

wood2be Posted:

Re: What would be the proper etiquette for Mother's Day?

I'm the same way when it comes to Father's day and it's been 20 years! I can't even write this without tears. DH spends the weekend in Boston doing things for his Dad and I take my Mom out for dinner.
I would hope if your DH explained it to his family, they would understand. If not you need to what you need to do.
I know that one day when we have children, our routine will change. But for now, I can't handle Father's Day with Father's.

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