What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Now we have been married for one week. I have to say- the wedding was phenomenal. I had one thing occur that royally pisssed me off.... I wanted to wait to discuss it on here but I think now it's time...

I have a good friend (I thought) since I was 18. I met her at college and we went through a lot together. Past few years, she has dated some losers that pretty much bring her down and we lost touch. Well, I wouldn't say completely but we didn't talk and hang out as much.

I still invited her to the wedding and my Mom invited her to the shower.

She called my Mom and said she was coming to the shower. My Mom paid for her to come and she didn't show up. Fine. I contacted her and she said she had a nasty stomach virus. Understandable. These things happen.

Wedding rolls around. She comes. Brings her new boyfriend whom I never met. A hippie. Fine. I am cool with this. However, he showed up at a very formal wedding wearring sneakers, a do-rag complete with a button down shirt and dress pants. Interesting choice of attire but again, didn't bother me much once he took off the do rag. LOL.

Fast forward to the reception. Music is going. People are having fun. All of a sudden, a friend of mine comes up and says 'Who is that guy? He offered me weed.' More people came up to me and said he was annoying. Then I look and he is twirling my 85 year old Aunt on the dance floor and I think he almost broke her hip. Still didn't let it upset me. It was my wedding. F him and his quirky ways.

The night ends. My friends told me he BARFED on the TABLE!!!!! During dinner!!!!! He drank too much. My friend didn't even say goodbye- again- I looked past it thinking she was probably embarassed and just wanted to leave because her man was being a douche.

Well, a few days passed and we open our gifts. She didn't give me a gift. I was really upset. She has a good job. So I know it's not a money issue. My Mom said that if she was a good friend, she would have at least given me a gift for the shower and obviously come with a gift to the wedding. Who does that?????? I don't know how to deal with the situation. She never contacted me to say sorry for leaving so early without saying goodbye to explain. Nothing. I am hurt. I could understand if finances are tough but I think it boils down to jealousy. My Mom said that and it opened up my eyes. She never congratulated me on my engagement, she never complimented my ring. I noticed these things but kept it in the back of my mind. She was engaged to a guy and the wedding was called off so that may have something to do with it.

My Mom thinks she purposely brought this guy to the wedding to ruin it. I don't know if I would go that far.....

So, tell me- how would you handle this? A former good friend who came with a jackasss and gave no gift...

I would have had security or the maitr'd have him leave when I heard about the weed first of all. Good friend or not you have family and possibly coworkers there!

Seriously, she may have been a good friend at one time but apparently she is not anymore. If she was a good friend or had any social skills she would have had left with the guy before he got out of hand.

I don't know how others feel, but I'd be highly upset and feel extremely disrespected. It's a wedding. Not some college house party. Have some manners or stay at home! Think of the people at her table, it's not fair to the other guests.

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Posted by Autumn08

I would have had security or the maitr'd have him leave when I heard about the weed first of all. Good friend or not you have family and possibly coworkers there!

Seriously, she may have been a good friend at one time but apparently she is not anymore. If she was a good friend or had any social skills she would have had left with the guy before he got out of hand.

I don't know how others feel, but I'd be highly upset and feel extremely disrespected. It's a wedding. Not some college house party. Have some manners or stay at home! Think of the people at her table, it's not fair to the other guests.

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I wanted to have the Maitre D take care of it. But I wasn't told about the weed and the puke after it happened.

ITA about the part with her no longer being a good friend. I would have def taken him home if he was my boyfriend. I would never let an embarassment go THAT far.

That's exactly how I felt. Sure, he would have been the life of the party if it was at a bar but a formal event such as a wedding- I can't believe these people!

Wow I am speechless!

Ok so we had some no gifters but we never said anything to them. Sometimes that stuff happens.

However I think I would say something about her rude guy. Can you write a note? Its better to talk in person but I am a wuss.

I'm so angry for you! She was not a good friend- the no-gift thing I can swallow- we had a couple of those and said nothing- but her bf was a complete assss.

I'm so sorry but I think I would cut her off completely- unless there is a 180 turnaround, she dumps him and apologizes

I would let her have it! Actually maybe not. Maybe I would blow her off.

Honestly if it were me I would just wash my hands. If she contacted me and apologized I would say 'okay' but honestly Im 27, I have a lot of GOOD friends. She sounds like a BAD friend and I decided long ago I will not be wasting time or energy on people like that.

Sorry your dealing with this

ugh, sorry. This whole things sux. I had a situation with a past 'friend' as well. We met in 2nd grade and just grew up together - close as anything. A few years into college, we began to lose touch, but still loved each other and were in each other's Bridal Parties. However, on the week on my wedding, she all of a sudden starts getting cold to me. Without getting into too much detail - she almost didn't come to the rehearsal dinner and then finally did (almost in a grudge) and only stayed to eat - leaving just before I handed out the gifts and read my 'thank you' speech to the group. I was pretty hurt by that. And then at the wedding she just had attitude. Never even said hi to me that morning or said 'you look beautiful!' (as most people do to the bride). She would roll her eyes every time we needed her for pictures. I just didn't understand. And this was somebody I really really care about. I was MOH at her wedding only 5 months before mine, and I didn't behave so poorly, so I was confused

Here's how I handled it - Just basically I wrote her a letter. It was very kindly worded. I told her how much she means to me and thanked her for being such a big part of my life and for helping so much at my bridal shower (things like that). I told her that I noticed she was distant the week of my wedding and just wanted to understand why. I basically apologized for anything on my part that it could be and asked her to tell me what it is that i've done. And if it wasn't me, but something personal going on then I can understand that too. She never wrote back (and it was on myspace so I could see that she read it). After about 2 weeks I wrote her again and asked why she didn't respond. I told her that I wouldn't keep 'stalking' her inbox and basically let her know that our friendship is on the line if we can't be honest with one another. I told that this was my final attempt to fix things. Needless to say, she did not write back again and I've washed my hands of her. A 17 year friendship is gone, and I still don't know why. Like you, I also have a feeling that some jealousy was in hand. She's always kind of been that type. And when i think about it, I did have a much classier wedding than she did (hers was just in a church basement with an average buffet and paper plates). Or maybe it was the romance me & dh had (whereas, her dh just proposed in the heat of an argument). Or the fact that she doesn't have any family (both her parents are crazy), whereas at my wedding it was FILLED with all of mine (and i'm very close with my parents). I don't know. I really don't,

But maybe that's something you could do too (if you actually want to stay friends with her). If you wouldn't want to call and talk to her about it (in fear of getting too emotional or angry) then you could write to her. Certainly not in an 'attacking' manner, but just ask what's up. Worth a try, I guess.

But of course, maybe she's not worth it. My situation was different, cause that friend is somebody I still miss having in my life. But for you, maybe it's not the same. It could be wise also to just move on without her.

HTH

Thank you girls- you have all posted some helpful solutions.

I am def sending her a letter / email. It needs to be known. I can't let it go. She may think that I am okay with her sleazy date acting like a complete douche at my wedding. I think by saying something, she'll know how I feel instead of thinking I am okay with it.

I don't care to be her friend anymore. I have way too many important people in my life who would never ever do such a thing to me. It's time to focus on the good people in my life and F the bad people.

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Posted by 08JulyBride

She is clearly not your friend anymore, she has no regard for you or your feelings at all. I personally wouldn't contact her at all & leave it be... I doubt she'll contact you either. I've heard weddings show you who your real friends are.. seems to be true!

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ITA

I'd drop her like a hot potato. The gift is the last thing that would bother me.

Not showing to your shower, no explanation. Not apologizing for the mess she brought to your reception or leaving early. Shes pretty much been absent from your life as it is

She doesnt sound like she cares the slightest bit. Doesnt sound like a friend at all...

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Posted by flairforfashion

Thank you girls- you have all posted some helpful solutions.

I am def sending her a letter / email. It needs to be known. I can't let it go. She may think that I am okay with her sleazy date acting like a complete douche at my wedding. I think by saying something, she'll know how I feel instead of thinking I am okay with it.

I don't care to be her friend anymore. I have way too many important people in my life who would never ever do such a thing to me. It's time to focus on the good people in my life and F the bad people.

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definitely! I think in your situation, it would probably be best to be rid of her. You don't need somebody like that in your life. But I would definitely write to her. By just cutting her out, she may not even notice (or care). But if you tell her first how you feel, then at least she knows that what she did was unacceptable to you.

Good luck!

Here is the letter I started writing. What do you think? Any tips?

Jamie,

I never thought I would have to write such a letter to you but here goes…

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- IE- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But the wedding- you attended and I was very happy to see you…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I had people complain about your date. People came up to me and told me that he offered them weed. The fact that he showed up in sneakers to a formal event baffled me. Honestly Jamie- I can’t believe you would let him come to my wedding like that! All snobbery aside- you just don’t go to a wedding in sneakers!!!!! I had tons of people come up to me and ask me who he was. Then, to make matters worst- you didn’t even have the courtesy to say goodbye to me. I asked where you went. People told me that you left abruptly because he puked on the table! OMG! He couldn’t control himself????? At a formal wedding? This was strictly “bar” behavior and the fact that it went this far at my wedding was an insult to Pat and I. Pat wanted to kill him. He kept giving your date strikes. He said third strike- he was kicking his assss.

What it boils down to Jamie- is that I am hurt and insulted that you just came to the wedding and allowed this behavior. Not to share the special day with Pat and I. Just looked at it like a random frat party.

I think your letter is good. I would think you will probably get a legnthy one back.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know losing a close friend is hard, but sometimes, it is for the best.

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Posted by Kimbalina

I think your letter is good. I would think you will probably get a legnthy one back.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know losing a close friend is hard, but sometimes, it is for the best.

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ITA,

this is a completely horrible situation, i think your letter is very good, however i have to assume that you probably won't get a letter right back unless she has already realized that this guy is a waste and has stopped seeing him. history shows the girl usually sides with the boyfriend.

i'm glad you are sending a letter to get the anger off your chest, i for one know i wouldn't be able to keep that bottled up!

keep us posted!!