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What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Original post by flairforfashion

Now we have been married for one week. I have to say- the wedding was phenomenal. I had one thing occur that royally pisssed me off.... I wanted to wait to discuss it on here but I think now it's time...

I have a good friend (I thought) since I was 18. I met her at college and we went through a lot together. Past few years, she has dated some losers that pretty much bring her down and we lost touch. Well, I wouldn't say completely but we didn't talk and hang out as much.

I still invited her to the wedding and my Mom invited her to the shower.

She called my Mom and said she was coming to the shower. My Mom paid for her to come and she didn't show up. Fine. I contacted her and she said she had a nasty stomach virus. Understandable. These things happen.

Wedding rolls around. She comes. Brings her new boyfriend whom I never met. A hippie. Fine. I am cool with this. However, he showed up at a very formal wedding wearring sneakers, a do-rag complete with a button down shirt and dress pants. Interesting choice of attire but again, didn't bother me much once he took off the do rag. LOL.

Fast forward to the reception. Music is going. People are having fun. All of a sudden, a friend of mine comes up and says 'Who is that guy? He offered me weed.' More people came up to me and said he was annoying. Then I look and he is twirling my 85 year old Aunt on the dance floor and I think he almost broke her hip. Still didn't let it upset me. It was my wedding. F him and his quirky ways.

The night ends. My friends told me he BARFED on the TABLE!!!!! During dinner!!!!! He drank too much. My friend didn't even say goodbye- again- I looked past it thinking she was probably embarassed and just wanted to leave because her man was being a douche.

Well, a few days passed and we open our gifts. She didn't give me a gift. I was really upset. She has a good job. So I know it's not a money issue. My Mom said that if she was a good friend, she would have at least given me a gift for the shower and obviously come with a gift to the wedding. Who does that?????? I don't know how to deal with the situation. She never contacted me to say sorry for leaving so early without saying goodbye to explain. Nothing. I am hurt. I could understand if finances are tough but I think it boils down to jealousy. My Mom said that and it opened up my eyes. She never congratulated me on my engagement, she never complimented my ring. I noticed these things but kept it in the back of my mind. She was engaged to a guy and the wedding was called off so that may have something to do with it.

My Mom thinks she purposely brought this guy to the wedding to ruin it. I don't know if I would go that far.....

So, tell me- how would you handle this? A former good friend who came with a jackasss and gave no gift...
RisiLeigh Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

I think the letter is very good. I HOPE you get something back, even if she is nasty, b/c at least you can end w/ some closure. I'm sorry you're going thru this, Hun!
Ayne11 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

I think the letter is great. It's very, very personal and from the heart.

You definitely expressed how you felt in a very mature & succinct way.

Too bad you're DH doesn't only go up to 2 strikes.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
RockysGirl Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by RisiLeigh

I think the letter is very good. I HOPE you get something back, even if she is nasty, b/c at least you can end w/ some closure. I'm sorry you're going thru this, Hun!


i agree. It still makes me a bit crazy that in MY situation, my 'friend' just never responded. It kinda leaves me feeling like there's no closure between these 2 lifelong friends and even though i've washed my hands of her, I still wonder
I would have rather SOME message back, even if it be nasty.

So I definitely hope that you get something back from her (even tho you probably won't).
SusiBtoM Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

My opinion differs from the others.

Let me ask you a question : what are you going to in return for sending this letter ?
You are hurt, you are pi$$ed. I would be too.
You mentioned that your friend has been dating loser type guys for a while, this jewel is obviously one of her best. The fact that she left so abruptly when the guy puked at the dinner table to me indicates that she was highly embarrassed. If this is the case, then the letter will just add to her embarrassment.

If you want to continue this friendship, then just point out to her that you were hurt by her, that by bringing such a character had a lot of people talking about his behavior and his ghetto attire. It sort of took the focus off of the reception and put it on the guy.
Let her know that the guy was offering weed to your guests. This guy obviously has no sense of right and wrong, and this has you concerned because then how would he know right and wrong when it comes to treating your friend ?

If you want to let the friendship die, then write the letter to make yourself feel better, but tuck it into a drawer. Nothing good will come of it.

Don't mention the no gift part. It happens, chalk it up to a loss.
skinny237 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

I had a similar thing happen w/ 1 of my bridesmaid's. I drafted several emails to her but never sent them. We haven't spoken since the wedding and I think it's for the best bc I no longer have such a toxic friend in my life. (I didn't get a gift from her either and SHE was the embarrassing person during the wedding....the other people @ her table were creeped out by her!)

08JulyBride Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by SusiBtoM

My opinion differs from the others.

Let me ask you a question : what are you going to in return for sending this letter ?
You are hurt, you are pi$$ed. I would be too.
You mentioned that your friend has been dating loser type guys for a while, this jewel is obviously one of her best. The fact that she left so abruptly when the guy puked at the dinner table to me indicates that she was highly embarrassed. If this is the case, then the letter will just add to her embarrassment.

If you want to continue this friendship, then just point out to her that you were hurt by her, that by bringing such a character had a lot of people talking about his behavior and his ghetto attire. It sort of took the focus off of the reception and put it on the guy.
Let her know that the guy was offering weed to your guests. This guy obviously has no sense of right and wrong, and this has you concerned because then how would he know right and wrong when it comes to treating your friend ?

If you want to let the friendship die, then write the letter to make yourself feel better, but tuck it into a drawer. Nothing good will come of it.

Don't mention the no gift part. It happens, chalk it up to a loss.


I agree..
Autumn08 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by 08JulyBride

Posted by SusiBtoM

My opinion differs from the others.

Let me ask you a question : what are you going to in return for sending this letter ?
You are hurt, you are pi$$ed. I would be too.
You mentioned that your friend has been dating loser type guys for a while, this jewel is obviously one of her best. The fact that she left so abruptly when the guy puked at the dinner table to me indicates that she was highly embarrassed. If this is the case, then the letter will just add to her embarrassment.

If you want to continue this friendship, then just point out to her that you were hurt by her, that by bringing such a character had a lot of people talking about his behavior and his ghetto attire. It sort of took the focus off of the reception and put it on the guy.
Let her know that the guy was offering weed to your guests. This guy obviously has no sense of right and wrong, and this has you concerned because then how would he know right and wrong when it comes to treating your friend ?

If you want to let the friendship die, then write the letter to make yourself feel better, but tuck it into a drawer. Nothing good will come of it.

Don't mention the no gift part. It happens, chalk it up to a loss.


I agree..


Me too.

Strictly my opinion if I were in this situation...
I would let it all go. Focus onthe future with your family, friends and more importantly your husband. I would send the thank you letter and not communicate with her any more.

That's me.

I think a letter or an email is taking the easy way out. If youwant to keep this friendship I think it deserves in person chat or a phone call at the very least.
lizzie217 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Personally I would not send a letter. What is the point? I would just let the friendship die a natural death If she calls or pursues a friendship, tell her how you feel.
Celest Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

I am so sorry to hear this. It is hurtful when someone you thought was a friend acts this way, but wedding (& funerals) always show people true colors.

IMO - I wouldn't be surprised if that prize of a date stole your gift. I would maybe just gently have someone ask her if she left a card because they were worried it got lost.

I actually had a gift left in someone's car who helped brings stuff home after the wedding & they didn't remember until I saw it in a picture & started asking around to people if they saw some missing gifts
Butterfly123 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

If she was a really good friend at one point, I would send the letter. I would want to call out her behavior and would need closure as to why she did that. Id also expect an apology. Thats just me though. I wouldnt be able to let this one go.

Jenn04 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by flairforfashion

Here is the letter I started writing. What do you think? Any tips?

Jamie,

I never thought I would have to write such a letter to you but here goes…

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- IE- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But the wedding- you attended and I was very happy to see you…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I had people complain about your date. People came up to me and told me that he offered them weed. The fact that he showed up in sneakers to a formal event baffled me. Honestly Jamie- I can’t believe you would let him come to my wedding like that! All snobbery aside- you just don’t go to a wedding in sneakers!!!!! I had tons of people come up to me and ask me who he was. Then, to make matters worst- you didn’t even have the courtesy to say goodbye to me. I asked where you went. People told me that you left abruptly because he puked on the table! OMG! He couldn’t control himself????? At a formal wedding? This was strictly “bar” behavior and the fact that it went this far at my wedding was an insult to Pat and I. Pat wanted to kill him. He kept giving your date strikes. He said third strike- he was kicking his assss.

What it boils down to Jamie- is that I am hurt and insulted that you just came to the wedding and allowed this behavior. Not to share the special day with Pat and I. Just looked at it like a random frat party.


I wouldnt send this. It sounds like you are attacking her and is a bit immature sounding. Dont take offense to that, I am just trying to help.

I would write something more along these lines


Jamie,

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- ie- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But was glad you were able to attend the wedding and was happy to have you be a part of my special day…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I wanted to let you know that I am upset to see you dating a guy with such poor taste. I was very embarrassed when some guests asked me who he was and that some others told me he offered them weed! I am not sure if you knew that but I wanted to bring it to your attention. I was also upset to hear he got sick at the table and that you rushed out and didnt even get to say goodbye to me. Overall I am upset that you took someone of this stature to my wedding and even worse that you are dating this person.

Again I hope this does not come off the wrong way but I was just wanted to bring this to your attention. I miss you as a friend and want you to be happy but I feel I needed to talk to you about this.

GinaZ Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by lizzie217

Personally I would not send a letter. What is the point? I would just let the friendship die a natural death If she calls or pursues a friendship, tell her how you feel.


ya I actually agree. Sometimes you just have to let certain people go. Its sad but thats just the way it is.
futuremrsfab Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by Jenn04

Posted by flairforfashion

Here is the letter I started writing. What do you think? Any tips?

Jamie,

I never thought I would have to write such a letter to you but here goes…

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- IE- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But the wedding- you attended and I was very happy to see you…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I had people complain about your date. People came up to me and told me that he offered them weed. The fact that he showed up in sneakers to a formal event baffled me. Honestly Jamie- I can’t believe you would let him come to my wedding like that! All snobbery aside- you just don’t go to a wedding in sneakers!!!!! I had tons of people come up to me and ask me who he was. Then, to make matters worst- you didn’t even have the courtesy to say goodbye to me. I asked where you went. People told me that you left abruptly because he puked on the table! OMG! He couldn’t control himself????? At a formal wedding? This was strictly “bar” behavior and the fact that it went this far at my wedding was an insult to Pat and I. Pat wanted to kill him. He kept giving your date strikes. He said third strike- he was kicking his assss.

What it boils down to Jamie- is that I am hurt and insulted that you just came to the wedding and allowed this behavior. Not to share the special day with Pat and I. Just looked at it like a random frat party.


I wouldnt send this. It sounds like you are attacking her and is a bit immature sounding. Dont take offense to that, I am just trying to help.

I would write something more along these lines


Jamie,

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- ie- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But was glad you were able to attend the wedding and was happy to have you be a part of my special day…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I wanted to let you know that I am upset to see you dating a guy with such poor taste. I was very embarrassed when some guests asked me who he was and that some others told me he offered them weed! I am not sure if you knew that but I wanted to bring it to your attention. I was also upset to hear he got sick at the table and that you rushed out and didnt even get to say goodbye to me. Overall I am upset that you took someone of this stature to my wedding and even worse that you are dating this person.

Again I hope this does not come off the wrong way but I was just wanted to bring this to your attention. I miss you as a friend and want you to be happy but I feel I needed to talk to you about this.



I think this is great- it allows her to save face, apologize and you both to move past this and get on being friends
GinaZ Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Posted by Jenn04

Posted by flairforfashion

Here is the letter I started writing. What do you think? Any tips?

Jamie,

I never thought I would have to write such a letter to you but here goes…

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- IE- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But the wedding- you attended and I was very happy to see you…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I had people complain about your date. People came up to me and told me that he offered them weed. The fact that he showed up in sneakers to a formal event baffled me. Honestly Jamie- I can’t believe you would let him come to my wedding like that! All snobbery aside- you just don’t go to a wedding in sneakers!!!!! I had tons of people come up to me and ask me who he was. Then, to make matters worst- you didn’t even have the courtesy to say goodbye to me. I asked where you went. People told me that you left abruptly because he puked on the table! OMG! He couldn’t control himself????? At a formal wedding? This was strictly “bar” behavior and the fact that it went this far at my wedding was an insult to Pat and I. Pat wanted to kill him. He kept giving your date strikes. He said third strike- he was kicking his assss.

What it boils down to Jamie- is that I am hurt and insulted that you just came to the wedding and allowed this behavior. Not to share the special day with Pat and I. Just looked at it like a random frat party.


I wouldnt send this. It sounds like you are attacking her and is a bit immature sounding. Dont take offense to that, I am just trying to help.

I would write something more along these lines


Jamie,

I have always valued our friendship even though things have changed the past few years. I always looked forward to you being a part of my wedding planning times- ie- shower, bachelorette party and of course- the big day.

I understood why you couldn’t make the shower and even understood why you missed the bachelorette party. But was glad you were able to attend the wedding and was happy to have you be a part of my special day…

However, as much as I was happy to see you as a part of our special day- I wanted to let you know that I am upset to see you dating a guy with such poor taste. I was very embarrassed when some guests asked me who he was and that some others told me he offered them weed! I am not sure if you knew that but I wanted to bring it to your attention. I was also upset to hear he got sick at the table and that you rushed out and didnt even get to say goodbye to me. Overall I am upset that you took someone of this stature to my wedding and even worse that you are dating this person.

Again I hope this does not come off the wrong way but I was just wanted to bring this to your attention. I miss you as a friend and want you to be happy but I feel I needed to talk to you about this.



Second letter is a much better way to go about it if you decide to send one.
kristin597 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

Sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience with a friend (who was in the wedding) at our engagement party. His date was caught doing coke in the bathroom.

I think your letter is really good. No real advice for you, just try not to let this sour the memories of your day. Hopefully, you can get some answers and explanations from your friend as well.
Mrs. V 2008 Posted:

Re: What would you do? LONG RE Post from 09 boards... UPDATE LAST POST WITH LETTER

wow!!! I don't even know what to say! thats absurd...I too, would be very hurt. I would definately say something to her, especially if you want to continue your friendship..otherwise I would lose all contact..You don't need that BS! And I agree with your mom...she sounds like she has jealousy issues !! . The best advice I can give is please don't let this ruin your special memories that day!

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