Ok long rant here...DH is down visiting his sister & Mom..and tells me they had a 'family talk' about Mom moving from Indiana to VA to live with sister. (Mom is about 65 healthy & independent..just wants to be by the grandkids) So Mom will sell her house & sister will be adding an apartment onto her McMansion. It will cost about $300k to add on to her McMansion and DH offered to give her $100k toward the add-on (eventually, cause we sure as hell don't have that now or anytime soon).
Mom is not poor...neither is sister...we ARE. Why are WE giving $$$ is what i asked DH...he says to help take care of Mom. Mom will be selling her house...why isn't that $ going toward construction since that will be her new home? DH is mad at me saying it's to help take care of his Mom...I told him I'd like to be able to BUY our own house before we offer $ to help someone else. (we live in a house i own with my brothers...DH doesn't want to invest any $ into this house because he doesn't own it..same reason I don't want to pay to add on to his sisters monster house!) He argues that he'd do the same for my folks..which i know he would...i told him that the difference is...my Mom would be happy with a room of her own & wouldn't need her own $300k apartment added on! Uggghh..i know i am sounding so selfish & mean right now...but his family just as a higher standard of living compared to mine & i don't feel like paying for it! Vent over....thanks for listening to the rant.
MrsQ-in2007
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While I can understand a son trying to help out his mom, it REALLY sounds like his mom doesn't need it!!!! HELLOOOO, if his mom has the means (and by selling her house it sounds like she will), why do you guys need to pay for a third of this very expensive add on? I'm sorry, I'm allllll for being there for your parents and helping them out - I would do it in a heartbeat for my mom or DH's parents, but they have very little means and would not be able to do something major without someone's help.
So sorry you're going through this!!!
SusiBtoM
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Valid point you have, but I can see where your husband wants to be part of his mom's care and not feel left out. Look at it as a 'me too' thing.
Instead of adding on to the McMansion, what about one of those 55+ complexes that have some assisted living ? Seems like a better investment especially if MIL is selling her home.
Sticky situation, but I'd be pissed too, especially when that 100K can help you guys buy your own house.
HamptonsBride
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Posted by SusiBtoM Instead of adding on to the McMansion, what about one of those 55+ complexes that have some assisted living ? Seems like a better investment especially if MIL is selling her home. .
I asked the same thing...she doesn't want to live alone and wants to be near the grandkids...he says it won't be happening for like a year or two...the sister just had her house up for sale too...so why not find a new house that meets all the needs...i can't beleive and addition would cost that much...that's the part that angers me the most...you could buy a freakin house for $300k!
PeteysBride
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Posted by HamptonsBride
Posted by SusiBtoM Instead of adding on to the McMansion, what about one of those 55+ complexes that have some assisted living ? Seems like a better investment especially if MIL is selling her home. .
I asked the same thing...she doesn't want to live alone and wants to be near the grandkids...he says it won't be happening for like a year or two...the sister just had her house up for sale too...so why not find a new house that meets all the needs...i can't beleive and addition would cost that much...that's the part that angers me the most...you could buy a freakin house for $300k!
I'd be PISSED! The main problem here I think is he is a guy and most of the time though not all, men are closer to their mothers than women are. Same thing happens with DH; he knows all my MIL's shortcomings but he will still do what she needs or wants and thats one subject we lock horns on because I have to trea SUPER lightly.
I think your MIL should get a new house. I would try to talk to your DH about it calmly, basically pointing out you wouldnt mind at all (LIE!) if you guys had the money but you don't and you really would like to be able to have your own home situation stable first. Don't tell him 'no.' Just phrase it like 'ok we can think about this but let's play it by ear.'
As someone else said, he probably doesn't wnat to be letf out so fingers can be pointed at him like 'oh he's a lousy son.' Its hard for him Im sure cause he could blme it on you (thats what I'd tell my DH to do-make me the villian and see if I care) but then it also seem like he has no balls; like YOU run the house (hah which Im sure u do )
he seems caught in the middle and it ***** but I think if you're gently persistent and state your case calmly and hey even play up the 'poor you' card as she seems to be, it might go over better. You are his wife; just as you had to cut some strings with your family to create a new life with him, he has to be able to do the same.
HelenZ
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I absolutely do not think you should have to kick in $$$$ to build onto your SIL's house......I agree that money from the sale of her house should go towards the construction. my mom has an apartment in the house that DH & I purchased....but considering I cook for her, do her laundry etc., we took money from the sale of her house (the one I grew up in) and put it towards the house we bought.....we still had to mortgage half of the total purchase price, since it's a bigger house than we had before, and the neighborhood is a little better. the point is, your MIL & SIL will be sharing a home, and your SIL's property value will actually increase from this, she stands to gain and you stand to lose if you chip in. I don't think you guys should, I hope you & DH can work it out!!!
cookiemonster
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Did your DH ask you about giving the money before he offered? If not, that would really irk me - but if so, he should realize that you're being incredibly generous and giving to have agreed to it, knowing that you 2 need that money for yourselves. MIL should realize this and tell him he's sweet to offer but you should keep the money and use it to buy your own house - but if she doesn't, then you should have a heart to heart with your DH and explain how you feel. There are tons of ways he can 'take care' of his mom, who sounds like she's doing great already, including visiting often, buying a special piece of furniture for the house, flying her to NY to visit him, etc.
diva7531
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Re: Would this upset you?
The first thing I see wrong is that he offered the money w/o asking you first! DH and I have discussed briefly the obligations of taking on our parents in the future. We know we could never make a decision like that w/o one another.
Yes you should have a house of your own before dolling out money to those who obviously don't need it.
Also what type of extension costs $300,000, especially outside of NY?
Good Luck! That is going to be a hard one if DH thinks he has to choose between your new family and his mom. I am sure he got swept up in the conversation and wanted to be the MAN and offer to 'da da da dah' save the day.
PegaLega
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Re: Would this upset you?
I would be extremely upset! He offered up $ and help without talking to you about it, if she is selling her house that $ should pay for the upgrade of his sisters house. If SHE wants to be near the grandkids then SHE should pay for the costs incurred. While its one thing to help 100K is alot of money to add on to someone elses house.
Summer07Bride
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From what you are saying, I do not understand why his mother does not use the money from the selling of her house to pay for the addition to her daughters house. At 300k, she should just buy her own house in VA. That seems like a ridiculous amount of money for an extension.
FullersBride
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Interesting, they live in VA right??? What kind of 'extension' are the planning on adding for $300,000???? You can build a house in VA for less than that!!!!! This sounds a bit fishy to me! I would NOT CONSIDER putting money in to add on a piece of property that you don't own, and will never see a penny in return. NOt somethign i would do. JMO
PeteysBride
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wait..I misread this? its his SISTERS house not the MIL's? OH HELL NO! and a 300,000 extenson is ridiculous. i don't care if it's ffamily; i say the same thing to anyone, myself and DH included, who complains about expensive housing; You do NOT have the privelage to live wherever you like if u cant afford it. Thats why we are going to move to NC-cause we cant afford NJ. He reallly should discuss things like that first, I'd talk with him ASAP.
aimes1313
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I would be livid. He should have spoken to you before offering anything. $100k is a huge amount of money, especially when your working towards buying your own home. If your MIL and SIL want to do this, then the financial burden should be theirs. If it was because your MIL had health issues and needed care it would be a different story. There is no reason at all that the money from her home shouldn't pay for the extension. And if she can't get enough for the home, then the extension should be smaller or they should find another solution.
I would put my foot down and not allow him to give that kind of money without your consent. The money will be a lot more useful in 20 years when MIL may need nursing facility care or assisted living. Tell him he can offer it then.
Aug07OFCbride
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you dont sound selfish OR mean, kathryn!! id have the same reaction. if you guys are working so hard to make things happen for yourselves and youre not where you want to be yet, how can you offer out such a large chunk of money that you dont have for such a grand plan?? did he offer that w/o talking to you?...that would be my main issue!!!!
MrsQ-in2007
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You know, the more I think about this, the more upset I am on your behalf... the $100,000 he offered will go to improving his SISTER'S house... a house she previously had up for sale. Once this mega-addition is done, the property value will go up immensely and SHE will be the only one that reaps the benefits. Unless they have a LAWYER draw up papers that says that he gets back his 100,000 or an exact portion thereof upon the sale of the McMansion ( at that, by the way), then it will be like putting an extra 100,000 in the hands of his sister - NOT his mother.
Sorry, I say this is a big no-no. Help his mom out, sure! Throw 100 grand into his sister's investment, um NO. AND he really really should have spoken to you before he offered that money.
kitty1224
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First I understand that he wants to help his mother and if she really needed your help I could understand excpecially since you guys do not own your own home. I would seriously be upset, upset that he didnt discuss it with you in the first place because the truth is its both your future.
If his mom didnt have any money and was going to live on the street fine I could understand but if she will be selling her home she should really take that money first and then if she needs help and you guys are able to help then fine. I am sorry because I would be upset myself because I really want my own home.
HamptonsBride
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thanks ladies....SIL lives in an affluent neighborhood in an expensive house...that is probably why it's going to cost so much...and they want to build on a whole private entrance apartment, not just a room or two...and NO he did not discuss this with me before offering which is another reason I am so mad, he just mentioned it this morning when he called...he is away on business right now so i figure when he gets home we will discuss it....thanks for making me feel better!!
BoxOfRocks
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Re: Would this upset you?
Does your SIL live in Northern Virginia, outside DC?
For the other posters, if the OP's SIL does indeed live in NoVA, it's completely feasible that the extension will cost $300K, and I assure you there is no way MIL can buy a condo, much less a house, at $300K. That's what my parents paid for the middle-class house in which I grew up--in 1987. The cost of living here is ridiculous--condos in my neighborhood, which is not even in the city--now start at $500K.
Doesn't change the ultimate answer, though--the sale proceeds of the NY house should be used for the extension. DH shouldn't have promised any funds without consulting you.
jtgarsik
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bottom line: u said she is by NO means in a financial rut. if she were, then yes I could see this being something worth shelling out the money for....but she's not. and you're not in a position to just be throwing around 100k. AND he didn't discuss it with you at all??? your his wife. i dont think if someone asked u to give them 100k u'd just say yes without even saying anything to ur husband?!?!! I know it's his mother, and yes we help out family...but if she's not stuck in a rut where she needs the help, then i dont see why you guys(who are trying to save for urself) are shelling out the dough. She's selling her house, shes making plenty on it...she's not going to be financially unstable. it just seems silly to me. i agree with jen(peteysbride)...u need to TALK and not argue with DH about this. dont focus on 'NO.UR WRONG', but wrather talk about the positive side for the TWO OF YOU if u didn't do this, and the negatives if u do...all the ladies who responded above have all said things worth saying....u know it's his mom, but she's not in a desparate NEED for it, and your not in a 'McMansion' state yet wear u could just lay 100k on the table.
donegal419
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Re: Would this upset you?
$300 K to add on an extension for an apartment? you build an entire HOUSE for that amount of money... sounds fishy....
i see your DH's point of view, and yours as well. i think DH needs to sit down with mom and sister and work something out. clearly, they have the money and don't need his help, whereas it seems like you guys need it. perhaps he can help with some of the work or something like that?
