XXX jokes
My friend posted these on FB......I think the last one is super funny.
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Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Jon says, ‘Hey, Matt, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in.’
‘But we're privates,’ protests Matt.
...‘We're sergeants now,’ says Jon, pulling him inside. ‘Now, Matt, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink.’
‘But we're privates,’ says Matt.
‘You blind?’ asks Jon, pointing at his stripes.
‘We're sergeants now.’
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. ‘Your cute,’ she says, ‘and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.’ Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, ‘Matt, go look in the dictionary and see
what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.’
So Matt goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
‘Matt,’ he says, ‘Why'd you give me the okay?’
‘Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates.’ He points to his stripes. ‘But we're sergeants now.’
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One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said, ‘Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind.’... So they set off to get their fruits.
The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, ‘Ok now you have to shove them up your @ss without flinching or anything.’ So he shoves the first one up the guy's @ss but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven.
The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his @ss and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy
says to the second guy,
‘Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!’ and the second guy says, I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!
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A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.
‘I think you mean spermicide,’ says the cashier.
‘No,’ he says, ‘I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ***, and I’m going in after it.’
________________________________________
Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Jon says, ‘Hey, Matt, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in.’
‘But we're privates,’ protests Matt.
...‘We're sergeants now,’ says Jon, pulling him inside. ‘Now, Matt, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink.’
‘But we're privates,’ says Matt.
‘You blind?’ asks Jon, pointing at his stripes.
‘We're sergeants now.’
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. ‘Your cute,’ she says, ‘and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.’ Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, ‘Matt, go look in the dictionary and see
what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.’
So Matt goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
‘Matt,’ he says, ‘Why'd you give me the okay?’
‘Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates.’ He points to his stripes. ‘But we're sergeants now.’
One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said, ‘Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind.’... So they set off to get their fruits.
The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, ‘Ok now you have to shove them up your @ss without flinching or anything.’ So he shoves the first one up the guy's @ss but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven.
The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his @ss and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy
says to the second guy,
‘Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!’ and the second guy says, I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.
‘I think you mean spermicide,’ says the cashier.
‘No,’ he says, ‘I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ***, and I’m going in after it.’
