2nd thoughts...help

I may kick myself for this later, but I'm not using an alias!!

Although we have not set a date, my FI and I have been engaged for 6 months, dating for 2 years, and have known eachother for about 12 years.
We have both been married once before, and as some of you know, I have a 5 year old son (which complicates the whole situation 10 fold)
I love my FI, and I know he loves me, but I feel like it's just not 'right'. I know I am overly skeptical because of my past marriage and want to be 1 MILLION % sure, and I'm not. We have been goint to premarital counseling for a few months, and it's helped, but FI had an awful childhood, and I feel like there are issues of his that will NEVER go away.
I am miserable, and a big part of that is because of my son. They are close, my son adores him, and it will break my heart to hurt him. Of course I also don't want to hurt FI, and myself as well!
I don't know what to do

I really don;t know how to give advice on this one, but wanted to send you lots of for you, FI, and your son...

This is definately a tough decision, and not one to be taken lightly. I would not even begin to know how to give advice, having never been married (yet), but , and remember what is in your heart.

So sorry to hear! Here are some hugs! Follow your heart. Just remember your child is most important. He is almost at an age where kids pick up on things. Maybe you just need some you time.

Stacy I don't know what to say with you other than search your heart and listen to your gut. If this is not 'right' then postpone the wedding. You need to do what is best for you and your son.

You said that you are in couples counseling can you go to see the counselor on your own and explain to him/her what you are feeling??



Feel free to FM anytime!

I agree. That is a tough one. Take your time and figure it out. In the meantime, some hugs from me too . Good luck!

Please do not stay with him because you are afraid to hurt your son or FH, stay with him for YOU

follow your heart for it will never steer you wrong

As a child of divorced parents I can offer you this advice. I understand how difficult it would be for your son if you didn't go through with this. But don't get married for his happiness. If you're not happy that will be a reflection in all of your relationships. Your son will eventually feel that you're not happy. If you are having any doubts I think you should bring them up in your counseling. Maybe not with your FI there. Can you talk to the counselor by yourself?

Good luck with everything and remember in the end that your happiness is the most important. If you're not happy you're not going to be able to make those around you happy.

Thank you all so much You are all so great, and I really appreciate your input. We just had a looong talk, and I told him exactly how I was feeling.
I don't know if this will change anything, but I feel better having said it.

Thanks again for all of your kind words

we are always here for you

Hi, sweetie, I just want to agree with some of the other ladies about a few things. First things first, really follow your heart. Your gut never lies. And second, your son is the most important thing in the world and it would be far worse for him to see you unhappy. But I have a question, did you start having doubts once you got engaged? Or did you always know in the back of your mind that this man wasn't 'the one'? I mean, I ask this because you might have some unresolved issues that reared their heads once you got engaged. And that, I'm sure, would be totally normal. I know you have been going to pre marital counseling, but maybe what you need is to talk to someone one on one. You might find that the fear of committment or the fear of another bad marriage is clouding what you have now. If you know this is the right man for you, and he has been married before as well, maybe the right thing to do is to be together, but without the wedding. There is nothing wrong with that either. But whatever you do, be true to yourself. From what I know of you, you are a sweet, caring and nice person, and I hope you realize what a big feat it is to be true to your emotions, be they good or bad. You are obviously doing something right if you are facing all of your doubts and fears. Everything will work out for the best. Things always do! Much love to you!

Thank you Rachel
I'd definately have to say the doubts were much more evident once we got engaged. He really is a good man, I know that. He is great to my son, and good to me, it may just be 'fear'. My ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant...maybe I just don't want to get hurt again, so don't want to get too close. I don't really know...?
I am going to the counselor alone this week, so maybe I'll have some more answers.

Thanks again, you are such a sweetie

I also just wanted to add Stacy, that my father had an AWFUL childhood, and it took a lot of getting used to , but he assimilated into my mother's family and had to 'learn' how to have normal family relationships, so just know that your FH can overcome his past. Also, I'm so glad you didn't feel the need to use an alias. This is what is for now and it is the reality of things and I am glad that you could share that with us.

As a child from divorced parents here is my story and maybe it will help you with your decision:

My dad did drugs and drank alot and by the age of 3 my mom threw him out. Art the age of 4.5 my mom ran into an old friend from highschool. They began dating. He was recently divorced as was my mom. We became close because my sperm donor dad was not in my life the wasy he should have been. At the age of 11 we moved into a new home and they decided to get married. It was not an easy marriage. They both went through depression while I was going through my own $hit. This was a time where severly times they considered divorce. To say the least its 2003 and they are happily married. No more depression, or divorce crap. You see they both brought issues to the table, but evently figured out how get through them together, which is how you should get through them. Now they are enjoying every bit of life as possible.

No marriage is perfect and adjustments are made in every relationship everyday. Its how you work them out between you and your hubby that matters. DH and I try to be very open, even from the begining. I came from a horrible relationship which was abusive, and he came from no real relationship ever. Nobody ever understood him. We layed everything out. What we wanted, where we want to go, how we wanted to get there, and how we wanted to be treated. We are doing well, going through rough spots, but nothing we can't handle by being open with each other. I hope this all helps you decide. If in the end you still have reservations, take your time. You don't need to rush, my parents didn't. Enjoy each other and what you mean to each other.


Hugs & Kisses