Hey Ladies, SOrry I'm late today, had a busy morning.
SO I was talking to one of my friends this past week who is unfortunately going through a divorce. He is really young and got married really young, he was only 19.
***** My question today is what's your take on Divorce? Do you think once you get married young (early 20s) you are at a higher risk for divorce? ********
I'm 23. FH is a couple years older but a lot of people are shocked by the fact that Im getting married at this age. For me, I've been with FH for years and people always ask dont you get tired of one another? And I have to say that my answer is always 100% NO. I find myself falling more in love with him all the time. So I am not surprised that people may judge me and my relationship, but honestly I could care less. Yes we're young but we know our relationship and I definitely dont see divorce in our future.
I think Divorce on a whole, is a tragedy. I think it has a lot to do with people rushing into it. .I also think a huge part of it is due to the fact that couples are just not willing to work things out when times get tough. And of course this is not 100% of couples. There are of course times when there's nothing else you can do but get out of it. But A marriage is work! Loving the person is the easy part but to keep the relationship going, both sides have to be willing to work at it.
RGEC47
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I agree that marriages and relationships are work and you are right BOTH parties have to make an effort. But when one partner does not want to try and commit to making the relationship work, it is hard to stay in the marriage. My parents were married for 23 years before they divorced. My mother put up with up infidelity and even my dad fathering a child outside of the marriage. So I think divorce is the last resort and sometimes neccessary.
jackieee
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I don't the age you get married matters; there are many 30+ who are not ready for marriage, and many people in their early 20's who are ready.
I think overall people walk away too easily. FH and I personally don't believe in divorce. We are in this for life.
For some people, divorce is probably the right option, but for us, it's NOT an option.
MikesBride2B
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I don't really think age has anything to do with it, although I do think that people who are very young may have a harder time realizing the huge change in their lives that marriage is.
Divorce in general is not something I believe in. Obviously I believe it exists, but its just not for me. There was no way I was going to agree to marry a man if I didn't truly believe that he was going to be willing to work out all our problems. I wanted someone who understood that marriage is work (sometimes HARD work) and that its not all hearts and roses and good times. FH definitely knows that
The only way I would divorce FH is if he had an extensive affair or if he was physically/emotionally abusive. I'm not even sure that a one time slip up of sleeping with someone else would drive me to divorce...although it would certainly damage us for a long time.
regy_k
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hard question
not sure how I feel about it. in life a lot of things happen and nobody knows where his life will end up.
that being said, FH is my family, and I believe there is no walking away from family. relationship is a lot of work, no doubt about it. I make sure me and FH always talk things thru, or sometimes fight things thru. making the utmost effort to be honest and respectful with each other is what helps to keep ppl together, if that is missing I guess no other choice but to end things
AdriandSteve
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I don't know if I necessarily believe in divorce. I think that 1/2 of the people who get divorced do it as a easy way out.
BUT there are circumstances where I would divorce my spouse in a MINUTE - physical abuse to either me or the children - if he cheated on me and had a relationship with someone else. (I'm not 100% sure if I would divorce him if it was a 1 shot deal. I dunno) - If we were fighting EVERY DAY to the extent that the children were now being negatively effected.
I would only divorce after the 3rd example as a last resort. Couple and individual counseling would be a first option.
jackieee
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Posted by AdriandSteve
I don't know if I necessarily believe in divorce. I think that 1/2 of the people who get divorced do it as a easy way out.
BUT there are circumstances where I would divorce my spouse in a MINUTE - physical abuse to either me or the children - if he cheated on me and had a relationship with someone else. (I'm not 100% sure if I would divorce him if it was a 1 shot deal. I dunno) - If we were fighting EVERY DAY to the extent that the children were now being negatively effected.
I would only divorce after the 3rd example as a last resort. Couple and individual counseling would be a first option.
ITA
FutureMrsLMS
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Good question! I think marriage and divorce are not to be taken lighty. However, I must respectfully disagree about the age factor.
I know that had I gotten married before the age of 25, my chances of being divorced would be higher now because at age 25 I really didn't appreciate the hard work that marriage really entails. I look at myself now (early 30s) and am always asking how our future marriage could be strengthened, etc. Back when I was 25, I just didn't think about life as cautiously as I do now.
I think divorces happen for many reasons, not just that people got married 'too young'. A lot of the time is because the couple is just mis-matched in a very important area (racial, financial, social, educational, etc). or because the people grow apart, or because there are incidents of emotional/physical abuse. Marriage takes work, and I am sure there are many marriages that occur between 20somethings that last as long as those for 30 and 40somethings..But I do think one's priorities in life at the age of 20-29 is very different from someone who is in the 40-40 age bracket or older.
I also think that couples who get divorced did so because 1 person in the relationship simply gave up and decided that they wanted out. Sometimes there are serious problems like infidelity that threaten the monogamous structure of Marriage. Sometimes 1 person in the relationship changes their personality so much that the person he/she was on wedding day is not the same. Sometimes life's events throw curve balls that really show a person's true colors, and over time, it erodes into the marriage, causing tension to increase and eventually explode. I've seen couples who have been together since HIGH SCHOOL suddenly change so much in ther late 20s/early 30s, that the relationship becomes strained and before you know it - the divorce may even be a mutually beneficial arrangement!
FH's parents got divorced in 2004 after being married for almost 30 years. FH is very much anti-marriage and until he met me, he swore that he would never get married. It isn't until recently that FH's belief system in marriage has changed for the better.
I think for me, marriage is more about companionship and being with a person I consider my equal in every way. Back when I was 25, I seemed more concerned about being more socially connected with my fiance and building a life together, planning kids, planning a future where we would grow together as a couple. But a lot of the time, the couple ends up growing apart - and that is def the biggest challenge!
mariedsgn
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I don't think that age has anything to do with it! I am one of the older ladies on the 2010 board, turning 30 in may before out wedding.
We have talked about it and we both say that it is NOT an option. I think the divorce rate is so high because people don't work on their relationship and the take the easy way out, a relationship takes work and you need to put the relationship first.
BUT I tell him - if he every wanted to get rid of me all he would have to do is have an affair
edit typos- and I had to add the affair part
KatieG2010
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My parents got divorced after 21 years 6 years ago and it has to be one of the worst things that ever happened to my siblings and I. Just for that I would not want to do the same and hurt my children. However you should never say never because we don't know what the future brings.
jm2010
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i told FH that this wedding is too darn expensive and he's stuck with me, whether he likes it or not! ...
to answer the question: i agree that sometimes people take the 'easy' way out of a marriage and opt for a divorce (if a divorce can be called 'easy') ... only way i'd choose divorce was if there was abuse (physical or emotional) ...
GR2010
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It depends on the people... I personally feel (and this is not an attack on anyone getting married young) that you are not the same person you are at 20 that you are at 30 and so on... so unless the person you choose to marry changes and grows as an individual at the same rate as you there is a chance that the marriage could end in divorce. On the flip side the same thing can happen to someone who is older, say late 20's into their 30's but I think at that point if we're honest with ourselves we know who we are and what we want out of life and out of a relationship and partner. I only say this out of experience. I was engaged at 24 and called it off at 25 and thank god I did because I don't even know the person I was back then and honestly I don't think I would like her very much if I met her today. For me, getting married young would have been a mistake. But like I said at the start of my post this isn't the case for everyone.
ETA: As for my thoughts on divorce, if two people are not happy and there is nothing that can be done to repair the relationship I think it is the right thing to do. Of course relationships take work but sometimes things are just broken and can not be fixed. If someone's trust is broken that is a very difficult thing to get back and sometimes the person can never get over it. Other times a little alone time and adding some romance back into the relationship goes a long way... but if two people are truly unhappy I think it is the worst thing in the world to just stay together. Especially when children are involved. It's never good for a child to grow up in a household where their parents are constantly at each other's throats and arguing about everything. It takes a real toll on the kids.
Future Mrs H
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Wow- I cant believe I am going to answer this.
This is a question I can answer from experience. Most of you know I had been married before. I got married at the age of 25- 1 month before I was 26 and my ex-husband was 30. I dated my ex for 6 years before we were married. At that age when we got married I thought that I was going to change him and that after we got married he would stop the partying ways. Well I was wrong. It got worse and the abuse started. So what I am trying to say is that divorce can happen if you get married at 19 or at 26. Things happen in a marriage that you cant know beforehand.
My thoughts on divorce when I first got married was- no way will I get divorced- I believe in my vows and we will always work things out. After 14 years of mental and physical abuse which got worse and worse I found the guts to get out. I guess the people who are saying that divorce is an easy way out for some people- It was my way out of a horrible abusive relationship.
Just to add and not to be a downer but if anyone thinks that after they get married that they will change their husbands....it doesnt happen. If anyone sees the signs now- get out before it gets worse. I chose to ignore them.
luvly73
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Just to add and not to be a downer but if anyone thinks that after they get married that they will change their husbands....it doesnt happen. If anyone sees the signs now- get out before it gets worse. I chose to ignore them.
Great Point!
JennandAnthony
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I think it all depends on the person and the couple....if i wouldve married my ex who i was with from 19 to 25 we wouldve gotten divorced....simply bc as I grew up and we didnt grow together we ended up growing apart (there are a lot of other issues but thats another topic)
Diana508
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Posted by Future Mrs H Just to add and not to be a downer but if anyone thinks that after they get married that they will change their husbands....it doesnt happen. If anyone sees the signs now- get out before it gets worse. I chose to ignore them.
ITA I also don't mean to be a downer, but I do agree that sometimes age does have a role. I've heard of girls who've been with guys since they were really young...and then they get the 'itch' to live life...go out, drink, travel..I'm not saying this is everyone's scenario AT ALL, just that it's not unheard of.
I'm 29 and feel happy to be getting married at this age. I'm happy with everything I've done and everywhere I've traveled. I know you can do this with your partner, but I feel happy to have done it with and without him.
I also divorce is a last resort and people nowadays do use it as an easy out..a 'break up' more or less, when they should've just tried harder instead of giving up. I do agree for it if someone has cheated or if children are being negatively affected. People who fight every day should not stay just for the kids. My parents just got divorced recently and it should've happened a long time ago. They just weren't compatible.
jackieee
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Posted by Future Mrs H
Wow- I cant believe I am going to answer this.
This is a question I can answer from experience. Most of you know I had been married before. I got married at the age of 25- 1 month before I was 26 and my ex-husband was 30. I dated my ex for 6 years before we were married. At that age when we got married I thought that I was going to change him and that after we got married he would stop the partying ways. Well I was wrong. It got worse and the abuse started. So what I am trying to say is that divorce can happen if you get married at 19 or at 26. Things happen in a marriage that you cant know beforehand.
My thoughts on divorce when I first got married was- no way will I get divorced- I believe in my vows and we will always work things out. After 14 years of mental and physical abuse which got worse and worse I found the guts to get out. I guess the people who are saying that divorce is an easy way out for some people- It was my way out of a horrible abusive relationship.
Just to add and not to be a downer but if anyone thinks that after they get married that they will change their husbands....it doesnt happen. If anyone sees the signs now- get out before it gets worse. I chose to ignore them.
I am sooo sorry you went through that and bravo for standing up for yourself and walking away from that situation!!!
jackieee
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Posted by jackieee
Posted by Future Mrs H
Wow- I cant believe I am going to answer this.
This is a question I can answer from experience. Most of you know I had been married before. I got married at the age of 25- 1 month before I was 26 and my ex-husband was 30. I dated my ex for 6 years before we were married. At that age when we got married I thought that I was going to change him and that after we got married he would stop the partying ways. Well I was wrong. It got worse and the abuse started. So what I am trying to say is that divorce can happen if you get married at 19 or at 26. Things happen in a marriage that you cant know beforehand.
My thoughts on divorce when I first got married was- no way will I get divorced- I believe in my vows and we will always work things out. After 14 years of mental and physical abuse which got worse and worse I found the guts to get out. I guess the people who are saying that divorce is an easy way out for some people- It was my way out of a horrible abusive relationship.
Just to add and not to be a downer but if anyone thinks that after they get married that they will change their husbands....it doesnt happen. If anyone sees the signs now- get out before it gets worse. I chose to ignore them.
.
Nina1010
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Its not really age, but the foundation of the relationship. You have to want to move in the same direction in life to make it work. You also have to WORK at it. It won't be all fun, happiness and laughter. There will be real trials that challenge your love, trust and respect.
I think a lot of 20 somethings are stereo-typed only b.c in general marriages have a short life ellyxpectancy, so the odds are against them (really anyone following that logic). I'm optimistic.
miamimerger
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As someone whose parents divorced when their kids were young (we were 1, 4, 7--I was the 4 year-old)i can 100% see why people divorce. My parents were AWFUL together. However, I've also had over 20 years to deal with this, so I can see how people do not agree with divorce. Now that they are not together, they have two completely different belief systems, values, methods of communication, etc. And from the perspective of someone that grew up in a divorced household, it was way better for me because I didn't see two people fighting all the time. My mom has been with the same person for about 15 years now, so it hasn't been tragic. I can see how divorce is different for children who are grown up though because it's SUCH a huge change when you are used to one family model your entire lives.
I would like to say I would never divorce DH--we have a VERY strong foundation, and our communication with each other is impeccable. We have had many conversations about what we believe in and what we would like for the future. I'd like to think our relationship is strong because we know ourselves as individuals AND as a couple, but only time will tell :).
